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Am I being played?


SammySix

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Can people please give me their views on this.

 

I have been married for 11 years. I have never had an inkling that my husband has cheated. I have never felt anything other than totally loved from him.

 

An ex work colleague of his hit on me at a wedding we attended a while back and I obviously rejected him. He told me that I should as my husband has been doing it for years. I dismissed this as sour grapes.

 

Then curiosity got the better of me and I confided in my best friend. She says that she’s always had a feeling but had no evidence. Now I was worried. I hired someone to follow him which ended up being for 6 weeks and they found nothing other than him being at a bar when he said he was at work one night playing pool with other guys. I let it go but I had this inkling inside so had him followed for another 4 weeks. This was about three months after the initial time. That found nothing either. As far as I was concerned that was the end of it, other than me feeling really guilty for not trusting him.

 

We had family together over Christmas and him and his sister got in a massive fight. He called her out for cheating in front of her husband. But she said to him, and I’ll never forget these words, “What about the blond s**t you’ve been f***ing for the last three years”. It was real messy. It got violent. But now I’m worried again.

 

Obviously I confronted him about it. He denied it. Said she was just deflecting from herself and it’s because she and I don’t get along which is true. But this is now two people that have told me as well as my best friends gut feeling even though I have no evidence whatsoever.

 

He doesn’t protect his emails or close his facebook. His phone does not have a lock on it. I have snooped a little in the past and never seen anything wrong. But it’s hard to ignore three people. I don’t know whether I’m worrying about nothing or being played a fool by him.

 

His sister rang me to apologize for what happened but swore it was the truth. She gave details that could be true. Like she didn’t give a time when I know for a fact he was with me.

 

His best friend who I’m pretty close with swears he would never cheat on me but then of course he would say that.

 

I feel like I’m being played. I just don’t know whether it’s by my husband or by those around him. What should I do? I thought of counseling to address my lack of trust but that's only relevant if I know for sure he's not cheating and I'm no longer sure. I feel like I'm losing my marriage. I'm just not sure whether it was over years ago when he allegedly cheated or over when I started not to trust him or whether it can be saved.

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somanymistakes

It's a complicated subject and you're caught in a no-win situation here.

 

If he's not cheating, there will never ever be any way you can 100% conclusively prove that he's not cheating. No matter how deep you search, no matter how long you follow him, you'll never know for certain whether he's innocent or just really good at getting away with it.

 

If he's cheating, then he'll probably never tell you the truth and he'll make you feel bad for doubting him, and putting your faith in him will lead to you getting more hurt in the long run.

 

 

 

Overall I would think the odds are that he's probably NOT cheating. Why? Because the first person who told you that was telling you with an ulterior motive to try and get into your pants. He gave you no evidence, he was just trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband in the hopes of being able to sleep with you. Your best friend, also, just 'had a feeling' - no evidence. And you hired a PI for months and found nothing!

 

His sister, again, only accused him because she was in trouble for cheating herself. Could it possibly be true? Maybe. But all the evidence so far isn't really pointing in that direction.

 

 

My honest advice, at this point, is to tell him everything. Tell him who told you what and when. Tell him that you hired someone to follow him and found nothing. Tell him that you're scared and confused and not sure who to believe - that you don't WANT to think that he would do things like that, but that the fear is preying on you and driving you crazy. Make sure that he sees that this is hurting you, that you're not just being angry and attacking him, but trying to deaql with your own pain. Ask for his advice on what to do. Ask if maybe you should go to counseling together.

 

Then see how he responds.

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Happy Lemming

Then curiosity got the better of me and I confided in my best friend. She says that she’s always had a feeling but had no evidence. Now I was worried. I hired someone to follow him which ended up being for 6 weeks and they found nothing other than him being at a bar when he said he was at work one night playing pool with other guys. I let it go but I had this inkling inside so had him followed for another 4 weeks. This was about three months after the initial time. That found nothing either...

 

I'll give you a pass for the first time you hired a Private Investigator, but a second time... uncalled for, in my opinion.

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I can't imagine allowing other people to play such an impactful role in my marriage that I'd spend my money hiring an investigator to follow my husband.

 

I think that's where you need to start examining things. Why do what these other people say impact you and your trust of your husband so much?

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None of us here can tell you with any certainty whether your husband is cheating. You need to decide, do you trust your husband or not.

 

If I needed to hire a PI and search his phone, the answer would be not. And, I would make my decisions accordingly...

Edited by BaileyB
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Starswillshine

Usually where there is smoke, there is fire.

 

I would be concerned that 3 different people without relation would make such claims.

 

Who does he work with? Does he travel for work?

 

It doesnt mean that he is indeed cheating. What is it that makes your best friend believe this?

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Since he doesn't protect his email, phone, or Facebook, and the PI didn't find anything, I do not think he is currently cheating. What he did 3 years ago is anybody's guess.

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I can't imagine allowing other people to play such an impactful role in my marriage that I'd spend my money hiring an investigator to follow my husband.

 

I think that's where you need to start examining things. Why do what these other people say impact you and your trust of your husband so much?

 

 

Yes I realise the problem is with me. Unless of course he is or has been cheating. I don't want to but I'm sabotaging my own marriage with these thoughts. I just don't know how to get back to where I was from where I am.

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Betrayed&Stayed

My first task would be to find out who is this blonde? Maybe she lives out of town which is why the PI didn't see anything. Husband only sees her as opportunity presents itself.

 

Also, why/how does his sister know about alleged affair/blonde?

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Usually where there is smoke, there is fire.

 

I would be concerned that 3 different people without relation would make such claims.

 

 

Those 3 people don't constitute "smoke". At least two of the three (if not all three) have vested motives.

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I feel like I’m being played. I just don’t know whether it’s by my husband or by those around him. What should I do? I thought of counseling to address my lack of trust but that's only relevant if I know for sure he's not cheating and I'm no longer sure. I feel like I'm losing my marriage. I'm just not sure whether it was over years ago when he allegedly cheated or over when I started not to trust him or whether it can be saved.

Couple things:

 

Being "played" is a dating term and does not apply to this. It means being "tricked" into sex with someone who only wants sex and doesn't care about you. So no, you aren't being played. But in a way, your husband is being treated pretty bad here. IF you would have gave in to the guy who wanted you to "give him some" behind your husband's back, then yes you would have been played,...by him

 

The other thing is that even if he is not guilty,...your distrustfulness will eventually CAUSE him to cheat. If you (the guy) are going to keep getting blamed for something, and can't convince anyone of your (the guy's) innocence,...then you (the guy) might as well go ahead and just do it.

 

All three of the accusers have a dysfunctional relationship with your husband. One of them was trying to get laid by you behind your husband's back and was rejected. All three have a vested interest in one form or another to break the two of you up. The only really objective evidence was when you had him investigated,...twice. He came up clean.

 

The only person in this whole mess, in terms of objective proof, that has not done anything wrong,...is your husband. Everyone else in the story, including you to some degree, are all guilty of something.

Edited by PRW
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The Dude Abides

Hello Sammy

 

From my point of view abut marriage, and the way I feel about my wife, I would be devastated if she felt or suspected or worried, even in a small way, that I had been cheating on her. The minute she felt that way I would want to know so I could drop everything to start doing whatever necessary to ease her mind and allow her to feel confident that nothing had happened.

 

If I found out later that my wife had been feeling that way for some length of time, I would be sick knowing that she had suffered and didn’t let me know.

 

Maybe your husband shares the same committment to you and your feelings? If so, please address your concerns with him and let him help you feel at ease again.

 

I wish you both the best.

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I think he is cheating.

I'd ask him directly, and maybe give some thought to what your moves will be whether he says yes or no.

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What was his reaction when his sister made the accusation? did he deny it, change the subject or just keep arguing?

 

 

 

 

You're between a rock and a hard place. I cna't speak for your husband, but I will say that if someone accused me of cheating ( which I've never done) in front of my husband, there would be some extremely vehement denials.

 

 

 

 

 

I'll trow this out there but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. Is it possible to sit down with your husband and his sister and ask the two of them about the accusation and why she made it? That might provide you with a bit more information without you having to hurt your husband by believing he's cheating when he's not, and if he is, you might find out more details about when and with who.

 

In other words, don't ask the two of them if he is cheating, instead, ask why she would say that.

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The Dude Abides

Sammy, I just reread the part about his sister making the claim about the blonde.

 

It is either true or it’s false. Why the sister said it is irrelevant at the moment. What has your husband been doing to follow up with you? It was a serious allegation, not to mention quite graphic. Carrying on with another woman for three years is a serious accusation.

 

If I were your husband I would have dropped everything and would for about 24 hours a day :confused: be working on trying to resolve this with you.

 

What has he been doing? Is he taking this seriously? Any spouse, not just you, deserves to have that addressed thoroughly, completely and immediately by the other spouse. You are entitled to your piece of mind and he should be devoted to helping you get it back.

 

And the sister needs to be cut off. With family like that, who needs.......... :sick:

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First red flag:

A guy trying to convince you to cheat says your husband is too. If he can’t provide something concrete I would strike this as invalid.

 

Second red flag:

Your friend who has always had a “feeling” that your husband is a cheater. This is pointless and should be ignored.

 

Third red flag:

The fight with his sister where she called him out for cheating. Since it is quite likely she was trying to throw a hand grenade into his life to get back at him I wouldn’t give this much weight, UNLESS she can give you actual verifiable information. I would corner her and point out that you can’t unring that bell and that if she’s going to say he is she better back it up. Tell her she either honest or lying and to leave vague bs to fortune cookies. If she can’t or won’t, then I would chalk that up to just trying to stir the pot.

 

I agree with others here, if it’s bothering you that much then open up to your husband and have a frank discussion of how you feel. If you don’t get your bearings soon on this matter it will continue to be a detriment to your marriage.

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I would also be suspicious, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Of course that is largely colored by my experience of ignoring red flags for years with my xH.

 

I just think it's odd that two different people accuse him of cheating just to get back at him - there are so many other things they could have said. Your friend's suspicions I would have probably given a pass if it weren't for the other two.

 

Just keep your eyes open and give it a little time. I wouldn't bring it up any further with him at the moment unless something else happens. Hopefully your fears and suspicions will be relieved soon by his every day words and actions.

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Your sources

 

1. A guy that tried to get you to cheat. Really.

 

2. Your sister in law who doesn’t get along with your husband. Who never denied that she was cheating. I can see her trying to ruin your marriage.

 

3. Your best friend that has no real proof just a gut feeling.

 

Your husband shows none of the signs. He doesn’t hide anything. No phone guarding nothing. What do you do on the word of a cheater, you have your husband followed.

 

I would seriously reconsider my marriage if I found my wife doing what you have done.

 

I hope you find a way to put this to rest one way or another.

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Eternal Sunshine

People don’t just randomly say that someone is cheating if there isn’t something to it. There are many ways how this could be true even if current evidence is lacking. Perhaps it happened in the past and is not currently happening. Perhaps the OW lives out of town. Perhaps your husband is smart and has a burner phone just for this purpose. His sister gave too much detail to just make it all up on the spot. Is she known to be a compulsive liar?

 

I wouldn’t let this go. You need to have a very serious and in depth conversation with your husband. It’s also concerning that he hasn’t initiated it if innocent. Sounds like he has briefly denied it and moved on. Who is the blonde woman? Could his have sister been mistaken? Is he explicitly saying that his sister is making all of this up, the blonde woman doesn’t exist etc etc.?

Edited by Eternal Sunshine
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Stuck between a rock and a hard place is an understatement in this situation. Your girlfriends suspicions cannot be considered. You told her beforehand that you had suspicions. All she did is reinforce your suspicions. She provided no evidence or even information.

 

Now as far as the other two accusers are concerned, I think your biggest mistake in hiring a private investigator was it not contacting the guy who made a pass at you. Through your sister-in-law, you now have additional information, about another affair, or possibly the same person. I I would contact the guy who made a pass at you, and get a name. Give this name to the PI as well as all the information from your sister-in-law and have him look into it.

 

The alternative to this, is the question yourself forever, and wonder about your husband's actions, whenever he's out of your sight. It's a no-win regardless of what you do.

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Hello Sammy

 

From my point of view abut marriage, and the way I feel about my wife, I would be devastated if she felt or suspected or worried, even in a small way, that I had been cheating on her. The minute she felt that way I would want to know so I could drop everything to start doing whatever necessary to ease her mind and allow her to feel confident that nothing had happened.

 

If I found out later that my wife had been feeling that way for some length of time, I would be sick knowing that she had suffered and didn’t let me know.

 

Maybe your husband shares the same committment to you and your feelings? If so, please address your concerns with him and let him help you feel at ease again.

 

I wish you both the best.

 

 

I'm scared to tell him. He could act the way you suggest and that would be lovely. But he could also be angry that I don't trust him when in his eyes he's given me no reason to doubt. Having someone follow him could be the proverbial straw.

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What was his reaction when his sister made the accusation? did he deny it, change the subject or just keep arguing?

 

 

When his sister made the accusation I ran out to our bungalow we were staying in. He was seconds behind me assuring me it wasn't true. We spent the rest of the night alone and he reassured me repeatedly that there was not an ounce of truth in it. The next day he confronted her and that's when it got violent.

 

 

When I spoke to his sister the information she gave me was not very detailed but there was nothing to prove it fake. Like there was no time she mentioned when I know it is fake because he was with me. She gave three dates. She either got lucky or she knows something.

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Why wouldn’t you find out who the blonde gal is?

 

He said in that night that he has no idea who she's referring to. Regardless of whether he is cheating or not that would be the answer though.

 

To paraphrase what she said because it was littered with swear words, she said it was some blond from the dog park. She found out because her friend lives right next door which I know is true. The thing is that I take our dog there. He'd be lucky to take him once a fortnight. And he's not a really social person, I couldn't see him even striking up a conversation with a stranger let alone taking it further.

 

I tried to speak to the woman that lives by the park but apparently they were evicted and not even his sister knows where she is or so she says.

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