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Am I being played?

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th January 2019, 10:37 PM   #31
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You know if the gender of the thread start was reversed you would be telling him how he should trust his wife.

Sammysix I would be the first to say dig deeper if the PIís you hired found anything suspicious. You went straight to having your husband followed and they found nothing.

Any one can make up a story. When I was in the service a female service member had a male service member in her room, both drunk and half dressed when caught. I took her statement that Friday night, she was crying because she knew her husband back in the states was going to leave her when he found out. By Monday morning her story changed to she was raped. Just so there was s not confusion Friday night her story was that the guy and her had this planned out and didnít think they would be caught. The only reason they were was because their drunk Sargent was looking for them and he lead us to the pair.

The story is just a example of what people will do or say in a given situation.

The guy that tried to hook up with you. He couldnít do it by his charm so why not by saying you should because your husband already is.

His sister just got called out so why not accuse the accuser. She could have known that your husband was at the dog walk at times with out you. How convenient that the witness can no longer be found and talked with. Yes some people think that quickly on their feet.

I really donít think your husband is cheating. If you read my other post you will see I rarely take this stance.

If he was trying to hide stuff I would be saying that you have a reason to think that he was.
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Old 6th January 2019, 1:05 AM   #32
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Thereís too much to wonder about.

A polygraph should sort it out.

Ask him if heís ever cheated on you since youíve been together or married.
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Old 6th January 2019, 7:05 AM   #33
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You KNOW polygraphs don't actually work, all they do is scare people into confessing. They're not real.

We have an OP who has become paranoid over very little evidence, and a marriage which is struggling based on fear rather than reality. She needs to TALK to her husband.

If she goes in like "You're definitely cheating and I know it!!! Polygraph or nothing!!" then the marriage is already over and she may as well just divorce him now, innocent or not.

If she sits there continuing to hide her fears, this marriage will fall apart messily in the near future, because it will eventually become obvious to him that the love has been broken and that she is keeping secrets. He might even start to think that SHE'S cheating because she's being withdrawn and secretive.
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Old 7th January 2019, 8:22 AM   #34
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Thank you everyone for all the help.

I don't like the idea of a polygraph test. I doubt the accuracy of them myself so regardless of what the results showed I couldn't be confident of their validity. And that's if it even got that far. Asking him to take one would not just be saying that I think you might have cheated but also says I'm not going to believe any answer you give.

I do need to get this sorted. It's not fair to either of us continuing with this doubt. As has been suggested I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, sit him down and open up to him. I really don't know how he will take it.

Any suggestions for the best was to start a conversation like this? Every way I imagine in my head just comes out all awkward and wrong like I am accusing him rather than just discussing with an open mind and no preconceived judgements.
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Old 7th January 2019, 11:22 AM   #35
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Wow, this is a tough situation. I can certainly see why you have doubts. I think your husband cheated on you at some point. I wouldn't be able to just brush aside the words of 3 people as if they all have some evil vendetta. The first guy was obviously a jerk, but not neccesarily lying. I say that because this very scenario happened to someone I know and it turned out that the jilted guy was actually telling the truth. Does the guy who hit on you know your husband or has he socialized with him? Is there any way he could know anything about your husband?

Your bestfriend maybe knows more than she is letting on. Like maybe she saw your husband hitting on someone or maybe he even hit on her, but she doesn't want to be the one to set that bomb off in your marriage so she says it's just a feeling. Perhaps you should talk to her again and let her know that you are desperate for any information she may have.

Lastly your sister in law. She could have just been lying as a means of lashing out at her brother but even when she called you to apologize she stuck by what she said and even provided more information. Is she normally a lying vindictive monster? If she hasn't ever made up lies for the sake of causing drama before then I would be very concerned about what she said.

My feeling is that something happened at some point. Your husband cheated on you but it might have ended a long time ago and now there is no obvious evidence. Your choices are either just put it to rest until more evidence falls into your lap or go digging into the history of your marriage. Look at old phone records, bank statements, and credit card spending. However doing the latter could just turn into an obsession so I would recommend just letting it drop for now.
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Old 7th January 2019, 11:26 AM   #36
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Is there anything new that you havenít asked?

If not It will be because you havenít believed his previous answers.
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Old 7th January 2019, 1:34 PM   #37
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I know and agree that you need to talk this out with your husband.

Know before hand what you need from him.
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Old 7th January 2019, 1:48 PM   #38
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First rule in the cheater's handbook
Deny deny deny.

That is why it is often best to let the commotion die down but keep your eyes and ears open as during times of suspicion he will take the whole affair underground. He will however in time relax and get sloppy, so at that point you may be lucky to find real evidence.
Once you have hard evidence you can confront, but even then you may only find denial and gaslighting... but at that point the only person you need to convince is yourself and with hard evidence it is then easy.

If you are going to go in with no evidence, he may think all his Xmases have come at once...
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Old 7th January 2019, 6:58 PM   #39
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I rang my sister-in-law today and it was a hard conversation. She is a known liar as people have asked but I just needed to hear what she had to say. She basically abused me for the whole time telling how blind I am for not being able to see what's under my nose. I kept asking for a name or more information but she wouldn't give anything up other than telling me to open my eyes and look close to home. I don't know if she's giving me good advice or stirring the pot.

I also rang my best friend and she told me that she knows nothing but I need to go with my gut on this one. That's not helpful. I feel like she might know more but she assures me she doesn't. I begged her to tell my and don't worry about my feelings but she said she couldn't add anything.

I'm going to sit down with him later tonight and basically just say I'm worried about what his sister said and ask for his help to alleviate my fears. I don't know what will happen after that, I don't think it's something I can plan for. I'm scared he's going to tell me that it's true.
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Old 7th January 2019, 7:20 PM   #40
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Sounds like she's full of BS.

How about this.. tell him to call his sister -immediately- with you listening but her not knowing and have him confront her about the accusations to the effect of WTF are you talking about, do you really believe I was cheating.. etc.
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Old 7th January 2019, 7:44 PM   #41
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Your sister-in-law doesn't sound like a very reliable source. She comes off as vindictive and is toxic to your relationship with your husband and marriage. She is someone that needs to be out of your life. She may be family, but she is not a friend of your marriage.

What is your friends own relationship with her boyfriend or husband like? Is it healthy or does she have problems of her own. People who themselves are not in good relationships will often project negativity into the relationships of others around them. Especially when they have recently gone through a breakup or divorce. I'm sure you have heard the old saying that misery loves company.
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Old 7th January 2019, 9:11 PM   #42
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I have to say, I withdraw my previous recommendations about getting a PI involved again. You SIL has the ability to blow up her brother's life/marriage and is not taking advantage of it. Unless your husband has really really bad dirt on her, she's lying.

Maybe you should start with that conversation. Ask about everything he knows about her actions.

Did you ever tell your husband that you were hit on? If you didn't and you bring this up, it makes you look dishonest. That's something to keep in mind.

Again, I would discount what your friend said since you told her that someone told you he was cheating before she said she suspected it. You planted a seed in her mind.

Good luck!
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Old 8th January 2019, 12:19 PM   #43
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Is your friend a blond?

You SIL said look close to home. Neighbors, family, friends blondes etc.
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Old 8th January 2019, 12:53 PM   #44
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Why do you believe the words of a known lier?

Has your friend been cheated on in the past?

You hired two detectives that found nothing.

You have the problem with trusting your husband. His actions have nothing to do with your mistrust.

Have you ever cheated on your husband? Even while dating.
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Old 9th January 2019, 11:37 AM   #45
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It's also possible he and the blond had already broken up by the time you had the PI follow him.

Last edited by Mrs._December; 9th January 2019 at 11:39 AM..
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