LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Am I being played?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree23Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd January 2019, 8:28 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 12
Am I being played?

Can people please give me their views on this.

I have been married for 11 years. I have never had an inkling that my husband has cheated. I have never felt anything other than totally loved from him.

An ex work colleague of his hit on me at a wedding we attended a while back and I obviously rejected him. He told me that I should as my husband has been doing it for years. I dismissed this as sour grapes.

Then curiosity got the better of me and I confided in my best friend. She says that sheís always had a feeling but had no evidence. Now I was worried. I hired someone to follow him which ended up being for 6 weeks and they found nothing other than him being at a bar when he said he was at work one night playing pool with other guys. I let it go but I had this inkling inside so had him followed for another 4 weeks. This was about three months after the initial time. That found nothing either. As far as I was concerned that was the end of it, other than me feeling really guilty for not trusting him.

We had family together over Christmas and him and his sister got in a massive fight. He called her out for cheating in front of her husband. But she said to him, and Iíll never forget these words, ďWhat about the blond s**t youíve been f***ing for the last three yearsĒ. It was real messy. It got violent. But now Iím worried again.

Obviously I confronted him about it. He denied it. Said she was just deflecting from herself and itís because she and I donít get along which is true. But this is now two people that have told me as well as my best friends gut feeling even though I have no evidence whatsoever.

He doesnít protect his emails or close his facebook. His phone does not have a lock on it. I have snooped a little in the past and never seen anything wrong. But itís hard to ignore three people. I donít know whether Iím worrying about nothing or being played a fool by him.

His sister rang me to apologize for what happened but swore it was the truth. She gave details that could be true. Like she didnít give a time when I know for a fact he was with me.

His best friend who Iím pretty close with swears he would never cheat on me but then of course he would say that.

I feel like Iím being played. I just donít know whether itís by my husband or by those around him. What should I do? I thought of counseling to address my lack of trust but that's only relevant if I know for sure he's not cheating and I'm no longer sure. I feel like I'm losing my marriage. I'm just not sure whether it was over years ago when he allegedly cheated or over when I started not to trust him or whether it can be saved.
SammySix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2019, 8:54 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,239
It's a complicated subject and you're caught in a no-win situation here.

If he's not cheating, there will never ever be any way you can 100% conclusively prove that he's not cheating. No matter how deep you search, no matter how long you follow him, you'll never know for certain whether he's innocent or just really good at getting away with it.

If he's cheating, then he'll probably never tell you the truth and he'll make you feel bad for doubting him, and putting your faith in him will lead to you getting more hurt in the long run.



Overall I would think the odds are that he's probably NOT cheating. Why? Because the first person who told you that was telling you with an ulterior motive to try and get into your pants. He gave you no evidence, he was just trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband in the hopes of being able to sleep with you. Your best friend, also, just 'had a feeling' - no evidence. And you hired a PI for months and found nothing!

His sister, again, only accused him because she was in trouble for cheating herself. Could it possibly be true? Maybe. But all the evidence so far isn't really pointing in that direction.


My honest advice, at this point, is to tell him everything. Tell him who told you what and when. Tell him that you hired someone to follow him and found nothing. Tell him that you're scared and confused and not sure who to believe - that you don't WANT to think that he would do things like that, but that the fear is preying on you and driving you crazy. Make sure that he sees that this is hurting you, that you're not just being angry and attacking him, but trying to deaql with your own pain. Ask for his advice on what to do. Ask if maybe you should go to counseling together.

Then see how he responds.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2019, 10:45 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 2,396
Quote:
Originally Posted by SammySix View Post
Then curiosity got the better of me and I confided in my best friend. She says that sheís always had a feeling but had no evidence. Now I was worried. I hired someone to follow him which ended up being for 6 weeks and they found nothing other than him being at a bar when he said he was at work one night playing pool with other guys. I let it go but I had this inkling inside so had him followed for another 4 weeks. This was about three months after the initial time. That found nothing either...
I'll give you a pass for the first time you hired a Private Investigator, but a second time... uncalled for, in my opinion.
__________________
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2019, 10:53 AM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: .
Posts: 1,706
I can't imagine allowing other people to play such an impactful role in my marriage that I'd spend my money hiring an investigator to follow my husband.

I think that's where you need to start examining things. Why do what these other people say impact you and your trust of your husband so much?
Wallysbears is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2019, 10:55 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,854
None of us here can tell you with any certainty whether your husband is cheating. You need to decide, do you trust your husband or not.

If I needed to hire a PI and search his phone, the answer would be not. And, I would make my decisions accordingly...
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd January 2019 at 10:58 AM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2019, 11:46 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 484
Usually where there is smoke, there is fire.

I would be concerned that 3 different people without relation would make such claims.

Who does he work with? Does he travel for work?

It doesnt mean that he is indeed cheating. What is it that makes your best friend believe this?
Starswillshine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2019, 1:01 PM   #7
Oak
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 16
Since he doesn't protect his email, phone, or Facebook, and the PI didn't find anything, I do not think he is currently cheating. What he did 3 years ago is anybody's guess.
Oak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 7:46 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
I can't imagine allowing other people to play such an impactful role in my marriage that I'd spend my money hiring an investigator to follow my husband.

I think that's where you need to start examining things. Why do what these other people say impact you and your trust of your husband so much?

Yes I realise the problem is with me. Unless of course he is or has been cheating. I don't want to but I'm sabotaging my own marriage with these thoughts. I just don't know how to get back to where I was from where I am.
SammySix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 9:57 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 743
My first task would be to find out who is this blonde? Maybe she lives out of town which is why the PI didn't see anything. Husband only sees her as opportunity presents itself.

Also, why/how does his sister know about alleged affair/blonde?
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 11:00 AM   #10
PRW
Established Member
 
PRW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: In Illinois, within driving distance of the St Louis, MO area
Posts: 1,496
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starswillshine View Post
Usually where there is smoke, there is fire.

I would be concerned that 3 different people without relation would make such claims.

Those 3 people don't constitute "smoke". At least two of the three (if not all three) have vested motives.
__________________
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site by me are my opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice.
PRW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 11:11 AM   #11
PRW
Established Member
 
PRW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: In Illinois, within driving distance of the St Louis, MO area
Posts: 1,496
Quote:
Originally Posted by SammySix View Post
I feel like I’m being played. I just don’t know whether it’s by my husband or by those around him. What should I do? I thought of counseling to address my lack of trust but that's only relevant if I know for sure he's not cheating and I'm no longer sure. I feel like I'm losing my marriage. I'm just not sure whether it was over years ago when he allegedly cheated or over when I started not to trust him or whether it can be saved.
Couple things:

Being "played" is a dating term and does not apply to this. It means being "tricked" into sex with someone who only wants sex and doesn't care about you. So no, you aren't being played. But in a way, your husband is being treated pretty bad here. IF you would have gave in to the guy who wanted you to "give him some" behind your husband's back, then yes you would have been played,...by him

The other thing is that even if he is not guilty,...your distrustfulness will eventually CAUSE him to cheat. If you (the guy) are going to keep getting blamed for something, and can't convince anyone of your (the guy's) innocence,...then you (the guy) might as well go ahead and just do it.

All three of the accusers have a dysfunctional relationship with your husband. One of them was trying to get laid by you behind your husband's back and was rejected. All three have a vested interest in one form or another to break the two of you up. The only really objective evidence was when you had him investigated,...twice. He came up clean.

The only person in this whole mess, in terms of objective proof, that has not done anything wrong,...is your husband. Everyone else in the story, including you to some degree, are all guilty of something.

Last edited by PRW; 4th January 2019 at 11:24 AM..
PRW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 1:28 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 179
Hello Sammy

From my point of view abut marriage, and the way I feel about my wife, I would be devastated if she felt or suspected or worried, even in a small way, that I had been cheating on her. The minute she felt that way I would want to know so I could drop everything to start doing whatever necessary to ease her mind and allow her to feel confident that nothing had happened.

If I found out later that my wife had been feeling that way for some length of time, I would be sick knowing that she had suffered and didnít let me know.

Maybe your husband shares the same committment to you and your feelings? If so, please address your concerns with him and let him help you feel at ease again.

I wish you both the best.
The Dude Abides is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 1:39 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 100
I think he is cheating.
I'd ask him directly, and maybe give some thought to what your moves will be whether he says yes or no.
lovely81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 2:31 PM   #14
Established Member
 
pepperbird's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 976
What was his reaction when his sister made the accusation? did he deny it, change the subject or just keep arguing?




You're between a rock and a hard place. I cna't speak for your husband, but I will say that if someone accused me of cheating ( which I've never done) in front of my husband, there would be some extremely vehement denials.





I'll trow this out there but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. Is it possible to sit down with your husband and his sister and ask the two of them about the accusation and why she made it? That might provide you with a bit more information without you having to hurt your husband by believing he's cheating when he's not, and if he is, you might find out more details about when and with who.

In other words, don't ask the two of them if he is cheating, instead, ask why she would say that.
pepperbird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2019, 3:09 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 179
Sammy, I just reread the part about his sister making the claim about the blonde.

It is either true or itís false. Why the sister said it is irrelevant at the moment. What has your husband been doing to follow up with you? It was a serious allegation, not to mention quite graphic. Carrying on with another woman for three years is a serious accusation.

If I were your husband I would have dropped everything and would for about 24 hours a day be working on trying to resolve this with you.

What has he been doing? Is he taking this seriously? Any spouse, not just you, deserves to have that addressed thoroughly, completely and immediately by the other spouse. You are entitled to your piece of mind and he should be devoted to helping you get it back.

And the sister needs to be cut off. With family like that, who needs..........
The Dude Abides is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Am I being played or am I being selfish? Buckmeister Dating 34 26th March 2018 7:09 AM
Musical Chairs being played havNfun General Relationship Discussion 8 4th August 2004 4:42 AM
Am I being played, or is it a just a series of goof-ups? savethedrama4allama Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 26 8th July 2004 9:56 AM
Am I being played??? fool4love Breaks and Breaking Up 2 5th June 2004 11:20 AM
Am i Being Played? Troubled15 Second Chances 9 14th April 2004 6:19 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:59 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.