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Wife's in love with her boss


snowsports36

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snowsports36

I just found out the day after christmas my wife is having an affair with her boss. We have been married for 15 1/2 years and together 18 years. we have three kids with the youngest being 11. While our marriage has had ups and downs over the years, it's been good and our kids are wonderful humans. i'm totally devastated to to find out out she has been unfaithful. I'm struggling to get out of bed every day and can't move out because it would kill my kids who I adore.

 

her job for her lover ended in early november and she claims the affair started right about then when her boss and her realized they would not be working together any longer and the project hadn't gotten accepted/approved. They are however talking about starting up a new project since the last once terminated in November. she et with him to "go over things" the wednesday before christmas. In finding her secret, i found photos of her with him saying it was his future wife. how he "gets her" and doesn't just say it. they love each other, talk of sex in the back of his car, promises of an event in a big city in the future. lots of stuff i didn't need to read. I vomited and stopped reading, only making it to chrismtas day.

 

she has been distant since her job started back in July, rarely present emotionally or conversing when she has been home. her job was pretty intensive and required lots of phone calls. managing, traveling with her boss - and his wife, other staff. as the end of the project came to a close she often times stayed in the city where here boss lived. sometimes at his home with his wife and 2 kids, sometimes shed say at the office. His wife also worked for him during this project.

 

about three weeks ago she was so distant and disengaged with not only me, but our three kids and things going on in our hoe and lives. I asked her what was the deal and she claimed the job ending was tearing her up, she had anxiety, didn't know what she was going to do. Said it wasn't me, that she had to figure things out for herself. I asked if she wanted me to move out. she said no. I asked if she wanted a divorce...she said no...I asked if she wanted to go to counseling, she said she needed to go, but the two of us should probably go as well at some point. she said she would make an appointment after the holidays, she needed to get thru the holidays. Prior the holidays, she was odd, wouldn't look at me, was mean to me for no reason. She's basically been making me feel like **** and pushing me away since early november when the affair supposedly started. i just don't know as she has lied about everything.

 

the 26th she woke up really early claiming she had to work. I left for work and had to stop back home to check on our 11 year old son who was home alone. my route took me by my wifes work and her car wasn't there. come to find out she'd go buy coffee and have a virtual walk with her lover. I managed to get onto her FB and find the text...her last one killed me after myself and two of my kids were gone she messaged her lover --- I can talk Now! Baby call me!!! ugh, makes me want to puke again.

 

when confronted, she blamed me, said our marriage was broken from the start. drug up mistakes I had made in the past. said I shouldn't have snooped because she was going to tell me after the holidays in counseling. She spent most of christmas day FB messaging her lover. sending photos of our kids, photos at her parents for dinner. all looking forward to talking with him the next day. she was disconnected and on her phone a ton christmas night. She did say they were talking about marriage, she loved him or maybe fell in love with the job.

 

after being confronted and getting mad at me, she said she would cease all contact with lover and work on our marriage thru a marriage counselor. she often times starts talking about how bad I was and how our marriage is terrible. the use of her phone has dissipated, but I think she's still talking with her lover.

 

I'm heartbroken and not sure what to do. she's rude to me when the kids aren't around. she did make an appointment for a marriage counselor friday, i'm not sure what that will bring. I began to go see someone three weeks ago as I saw this coming and realize i have things I need to work on my self.

 

I don't trust a word she says anymore. I have trouble looking at her. I did look at her last night on NYE, starring at her as she looked miserable, heartbroken, and ready to cry. she caught me and said "WHAT??!?!" I indicated i was just looking at her and she yelled "whatever"

 

I just don't what to do and how to not hurt so much. Friday can't come fast enough...although, she has gotten bitchy at me and said "that will come up at therapy, don't you worry" so mean spirited and bitter. 90% of the time I say anything she retorts like I'm the dumbest guy every.

 

She sneaks into the bathroom still, not as much but for longer than normal. I can't ask anything or she flips and we don't want the kids to know something is up.she did apply for a job the other day and said "well i need to make XXX$ because that how much i would have made with this other project (with her old boss) I'm encouraged by that but just don't know how things will ever be good between us....or if i even want them to be good.

 

hopefully the counselor will be helpful. I'm sure my wife will dredge up lots of stuff from our past....I certainly have questions about OM that i hope to get answered. again, how will I know whats true? the lies are really bad. shes had lying issues in the past.

 

Had to vent as I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want friends to know as I'm so embarrassed and don't want them to think ill of my wife. I can't talk to family as they will hate her and IF we stay together that wont be good long term....

 

UGH

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Sorry man but your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about this except it's happening to you.

 

She is blaming you for her affair which is total BS. You didn't cause this. Wake up to that fact. All cheaters do this. It's just a ploy to justify her actions.

 

She made the very conscious and willful decision to have the affair. It wasn't a mistake but something she wanted to do.

 

Don't make the mistake of leaving your home!!!!!!

 

You should inform the other mans wife immediately. Do not tel you wife. Do it without any warning. She's still in the affair. You have to try and end it before any work on your marriage can happen. Jumping into marriage counseling upfront is a bad idea. Most are inadequate to deal with infidelity and may just cause more damage.

 

Better wake up quick

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I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.

 

I'm sure you know, but her affair is 100% on her. She should have brought up the marital issues with you long before now and either tried to resolve them or been honest if she didn't think they could be resolved. There is no justification for having an affair.

 

Her rude and disrespectful treatment of you on top of all that now is just unbelievable.

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You sound weak and affraid to make her mad. This is the worst thing you can do.

 

Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone.

 

If you don't get strong now you will get played, manipulated and wallow in this limbo hell.

 

She may have put you there but make no mistake you'd better take actions to get out.

 

Talk won't get you a thing. Only your actions will count

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snowsports36

Certainly not leaving my home or kids. Coming from a family with a nasty divorce, my focus is on making sure the kids are okay and not impacted by this decision their mother made.

 

I'm basically living with her and interacting only as we need to....kids stuff, dinner plans....etc. our eldest has a friend home from college to work where my son does. so things are interesting here. can't talk at home with the kids. we aren't alone much.

 

It just seems easier to not say anything and avoid any drama with her, especially with the kids around. she says she's committed to the therapy but doesn't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure she's gonna end up with this guy. I just need to take the high road for the kids. plus we live in a not so big town. I'm above her childish bs...her lover lives 90 miles away so at this point it has morphed into a teenage-ish FB chat about their love, etc. by the way- she turned 40 sometime around when the affair started. they had a major deadline so I hung with the kids while she had a fundraising event.

 

this is obviously my first time being betrayed so the emotions are running raw....anger, fear, upset, pissed, confused, hurt, a litany of them for sure.

 

I appreciate the input from all.

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Are you sure you want to maintain the marriage, knowing she's been involved with another man and experiencing such rude and disrespectful treatment?

 

Your focus should be on what you want, not on whether or not she'll end up with the other guy.

 

I'm sure you can't really think straight right now, but when you can THAT should be your first item to deal with - what do YOU want? What can you realistically come to terms with emotionally?

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You want to try and save the marriage sitting back and helping them hide their affair will only get you walked on further. There is no high road in that. More like an excuse to do nothing.

 

If not then just file. Get out of living in infidelity. It's a soul and self respect killing place to be.

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Certainly not leaving my home or kids. Coming from a family with a nasty divorce, my focus is on making sure the kids are okay and not impacted by this decision their mother made.

 

This isn't possible. She's already impacted them. What would you as a child think of your mother treating your father like this? What would you think of your father taking this treatment?

 

I'm basically living with her and interacting only as we need to....kids stuff, dinner plans....etc. our eldest has a friend home from college to work where my son does. so things are interesting here. can't talk at home with the kids. we aren't alone much.

 

Your kids aren't stupid. They see and know more than you think. Being a martyr isn't going to impress them. I suspect they are wondering why you let yourself be treated like this.

 

It just seems easier to not say anything and avoid any drama with her, especially with the kids around. she says she's committed to the therapy but doesn't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure she's gonna end up with this guy. I just need to take the high road for the kids. plus we live in a not so big town. I'm above her childish bs...her lover lives 90 miles away so at this point it has morphed into a teenage-ish FB chat about their love, etc. by the way- she turned 40 sometime around when the affair started. they had a major deadline so I hung with the kids while she had a fundraising event.

 

There is no excuse for cheating. You are correct. It's the easy way out to do nothing. Would you recommend that to your kids when they grow up and have to go through something like this?

 

this is obviously my first time being betrayed so the emotions are running raw....anger, fear, upset, pissed, confused, hurt, a litany of them for sure.

 

I appreciate the input from all.

 

I get you're in shock. Laying in the victim chair will get you nothing.

 

Kids learn most from their parents. What are you teaching them?

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This has got to really be hurting you. When is trash collection day in your neighborhood? Put your wife out by the curb that day because she’s just terrible. I can see her blaming this on some of your faults, which is BS, but how will she blame you for neglecting her own children?

She maybe thought this would be her ticket out of the marriage and is throwing a tantrum. Boss man had the perfect set up for an affair with no intention of following through or leaving his wife. In time this shock will start to fade and you’ll know what to do then. Hang in there.

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isolatedgothic

I've always kind of admired The 180. I think it is posted here somewhere. When I found out that my husband was having an affair, I did my best to do the 180.

 

I think its a very good way to handle a very very emotionally destroying situation with a disrespectful partner, and admittedly, having an affair is about as disrespectful as a person can get.

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snowsports36

I did find the 180, thank you. I have been reading the 33 things not to do daily. I will be fine and better off without her.

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snowsports36

my wife and I went to counsouling together last week. as expected, the first session was pretty much her blaming me for everything, the affiar, bad marriage, etc. etc. she said she wasn't sure what she wanted out of the relationship, divorce or staying together. i said the same thing and we both agreed that our three kids and family unit are inportant. we felt that having someone else guide us would make a divorce easier and less difficult for the kids. pretty much the onlky good thing she said about me was that I was an amazing father.

 

I still think/bekieve that she is texting/sexting with AP, but I know she hasn't seen him since well before christmas. She's sullen and sad at home but finally engaging with the kids again and being pleasant to me 90% of the time.

 

I need to heal my self and take care of my children... to hell with her and her BS. we'll see where everything goes, I'm not sure a life with her is best for me or my mental health.

 

thank you for the hlep and encouragement. It's helpful to know that others have gone thru this misery.

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You and only you can keep yourself in limbo.

 

The affair was on her. She's done a marital history rewrite to justify her actions. It's all bull****. Make no mistake this is who she is.

 

No action on your part tells her you accept her treatment of you.

 

Wake up and stop living in infidelity. Life is short and this will get you nothing.

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Has anyone mentioned informing the other betrayed spouse?

 

 

 

This guys wife is the other half of the equation. Inform her and I'm sure the om will have less time and space to fill your wife's head with sweet nothing's. Plus it is the moral thing to do. AND she will probably make his life hell! Lol.

 

 

What state are you in? The laws on divorce are different depending. If you are in a no fault state you have the worst of it. Most states are no fault. Does the om own the company or is he just management?

 

 

 

But if you live in an at fault state.... you may want to look into an at fault divorce. If your state has alienation of affections laws...... go after the om. Sue his pants off.

 

 

Other than that do not by any measure do the pick me dance. Even should she come back to you. In all likelihood if she does come back it will be because he dumped her.

 

 

If you want YOUR actions to shock her out of the "fog" you have to give her some shocks. Divorce papers would be a good way to do that. You have to take the initiative from her. You have to rip that steering wheel out of her hand look her dead in the eye and inform her she is no longer in control of the destination. Not to say you can or should force her to stay married. You can't. But you can inform her you are not waiting around for her to decide how to end this. Let her see you pull the plug yourself. On your own schedule.

 

 

As it is right now she is waiting for her OM. She is waiting for her OM to get clear of his wife. To become available so they can sail of into dreamland. Don't be a good boy and wait for that to happen. Dump her on her ass and let her dust herself off. She is waiting with you because she isn't 100 percent sure the om will commit. You are the fall back plan. Plan b. Don't be a fallback plan. Don't be plan b. Don't be a chump.

Edited by Adotta
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This is heartbreaking.

 

Firstly, if anyone has to move out of the house, it's her, not you.

 

Secondly, I'd strongly suggest that you seek professional legal and financial guidance. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Get your legal and financial ducks in a row to protect both yourself and your children's future. Now, how to do that depends on your jurisdiction so I can't offer any specifics.

 

The key is to start to financially dissociate your money and credit from hers. Ignore this step at your peril. The stories of one party financially destroying another because the other didn't protect him/herself are too numerous to mention.

 

Bear in mind that this is not about taking her money from her. This is protecting your children for their financial well-being.

 

If - and I sincerely hope this comes to pass - you and her can get through this, you can easily undo that. But if this is the end of the relationship, you really need to protect your kids' financial future by taking this step.

 

Good luck.

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If the roles were reversed, would your wife be so accepting and passive as you have been? Get checked for STD's. Inform the OM's spouse. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Nobody loves a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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Friend, you need to talk to a lawyer immediately. You need to protect your children and that does not mean staying married to her. You can make that choice once you have all the facts. Tell the other man's spouse or partner, if he isn't married tell his immediate family. They can not continue to work together if you plan on reconciliation. If your plan is to divorce then listen to your lawyer about exposing her to her employer, it could affect your support payments. If she continues to rewrite your marriage, continues to communicate with her boyfriend ask her to leave or at least live in another part of the house. Having a boyfriend and choosing him over her family is immediate cause for firing her as your wife, she looses all her wife privileges as long as the affair continues.

 

You can't control her actions but you can make it very clear to her that she is free to be with the other man just as long as she knows it won't be as your wife. She makes very bad choices so do not give her the control of making decisions about your future, she lost that privilege, a privilege that is earned with trust. Christmas is forever changed for you because of her selfish actions. Absolutely follow the 180, because as long as she longs for her boyfriend you need to distance yourself from her. Get tested for STD's, no sex with her for two reason's. The first is you don't know if she is safe, they always lie about using protection(exchanging bodily fluids is part of the cheaters rush). The second reason is some Courts view having sex with them after learning about their infidelity as forgiveness, you need to talk to a lawyer.

 

They usually rewrite your marriage history, making everything your fault otherwise they have to accept the fact that it's all their fault and that they are the sh*tty partner. That doesn't fit the false image they have of themselves, it's easier to blame you. Please talk to a lawyer before you do anything else, you need to understand what your rights are, you need to know how to protect your children, your finances. Who knows, you might have a case against her employer.

 

None of this is your fault so shut her down the minute she starts blaming it on you, you are both in the same marriage, she's the only one that cheated.

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op,

 

 

my heart is breaking for you. It's a really horrible place to be to have someone you love and trust treat you this way.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you are going to have to let go of your old view of your wife and really accept the new version. She's treated you with great disrespect and cruelty, been rotten to her kids and just generally made a series of poor decisions. Add to that the fact that, from what you say, she would be involved on these trips that would include her affair partner's wife. That's just nasty. I expect she was nice to her face, all the while sleeping with her husband. How can you ever trust someone like that? So two faced. THAT is who your wife is. Even if your marriage is awful, it didn't cause her to act out of character. This was always there.

 

 

 

 

 

I echo the advice about seeing a lawyer immediately. Find out where you stand and what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. You can no longer count on your wife to do so.

 

 

 

 

Also, take some time for yourself. Go out with the guys, reconnect with old friends and family, sign up for an activity that will be just for you. It's so important to look after yourself, as you will need to be strong fro your kids.

 

Some people have a "revenge affair". I think that's a rotten idea, but if you do decide to go down that path, please be honest with the woman. Make sure she understands what's going on and that you are not in a position to offer anything permanent. ( please don't have a revenge affair though...it's so messy and you just be using someone)

 

 

 

 

 

Also, her choices are NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! She made the choice to cheat. She could have stopped herself at any time, and she didn't. That is 100 percent on her, and if she doesn't like that, well, she can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

 

 

 

 

 

My recipe for a happy future with her? Unless she is willing to fully accept responsibility for actions ( and "I cheated because you did x., y and z" has zero place int he discussion) and put in the heavy lifting to repair the damage she caused, then you best bet is to walk away. Move on in your life, make a happy home for your kids and let her wallow in the mess she's created. A couple of years from now, my guess is that she'll be at home, wondering who her new "love" is shagging behind her back, the way he did with her to his current wife. Let her see how crappy that feels.

 

 

One more thing. Please don't fall for the " I'm just a poor widdle girl who got chased by the big, bad married man until I just HAD to give in, and it's all his fault". :sick::laugh: That is such nonsense! If she tries that, tell her to eff off. It's okay to be be mad at her.

 

( note: there is a woman who is a former wayward wife on here who is , as the saying goes "putting in the heavy lifting". It's been a hard go for her, but if you check out her threads, you can see what that looks like when someone is really trying to make amends for and repair the damage they caused. Compare her actions to those of your wife, and you'll see how just far away from taking responsibility for her actions she is)

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You need to sit down with your older two and tell them the truth.

 

The youngest not so much just that you and your wife are having issues.

 

Get a divorce lawyer and find out the facts of what it will look like. Go for 50/50 custody or more.

 

You have no family unit, she broke it all to hell.

 

Your kids know there is a problem.

 

Let the other betrayed spouse know what has happened.

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You need to get her out of your house. Why are you letting her stay there? Let her be alone to go with him or to him and fulfill her fantasy but she would not be allowed back. I would put her out and close the door. Let her find somewhere else to live. She is not going to stop seeing or loving the other man no matter what she tells or promises you now or in the future. Her love for you is gone. Having her under your roof wondering if she's trying to see him or not will keep your mind on her when it needs to be on other things. Get that trash out of your house. The woman you married is gone and can't be revived. As a matter of fact I would find out where the OM lives, collect all of your wife's things and dump them in the front yard of the married man she's having sex with and let him and his wife deal with her.

Edited by stillafool
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40somethingGuy
my wife and I went to counsouling together last week. as expected, the first session was pretty much her blaming me for everything, the affiar, bad marriage, etc. etc. she said she wasn't sure what she wanted out of the relationship, divorce or staying together. i said the same thing and we both agreed that our three kids and family unit are inportant. we felt that having someone else guide us would make a divorce easier and less difficult for the kids. pretty much the onlky good thing she said about me was that I was an amazing father.

 

I still think/bekieve that she is texting/sexting with AP, but I know she hasn't seen him since well before christmas. She's sullen and sad at home but finally engaging with the kids again and being pleasant to me 90% of the time.

 

I need to heal my self and take care of my children... to hell with her and her BS. we'll see where everything goes, I'm not sure a life with her is best for me or my mental health.

 

thank you for the hlep and encouragement. It's helpful to know that others have gone thru this misery.

 

There are very few therapists who are effective in infidelity. Remember, they are in this for the money so they want to keep you coming. They use canned approaches and would NEVER call out the woman and hold them accountable for their actions. Instead, they will focus on communication styles. It is a bunch of money grabbing crap. I would google 'Lee Baucom." At least Dr. Baucom is not going to be a waste of money. Trust me. It is NOT your fault she feel for a married man and acted on it. For the love of God please tell his wife. You seem TOO PASSIVE. You need to go nuclear. I have been in your shoes. Marriage Therapy is always the first thought but you get a bunch of laundry lists of how you were not 100% perfect over the years and mistakes you made somehow justify her immoral decisions to risk the family. Do you really want your kids to see their parents in a loveless marriage? You two are terrible examples of marriage to them right now and it is YOUR WIFES FAULT 100%. She of course didn't expect to get caught. But she risked her whole family for this creep. One more thing- over time your resentment will grow once the shock wears off. You still are in shock even if you've known for 3 weeks now. You will continue to get resentful as you see your $$ going down the drain to a therapist who (95% plus are this way) has no clue how to approach this. They are basically feminists who give a platform for a woman to air out all grievances to justify their actions. You already said they plan to work together again. How can you ever tolerate this? I hope your wife knows the kids will find out that she ruined the family.

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Turning point

I've been through this same scenario, similar affair situation, same cruel and reckless behaviors, total lack of empathy for others including the other mans wife and children, too.

 

That she stayed at a home with the wife and children of the man she is cheating with is a special kind of F** up. It should send a chill down your spine on par with an episode of Criminal Minds.

 

The advice others are giving you about moving swiftly and deliberately to protect your self and your kids is something you need to do YESTERDAY.

 

The level of selfishness displayed here is DANGEROUS. Your wife is not the person you believed she was. Her true self has finally come through like the lid being blown of a long boiling pot. She has shown you who she really is - BELIEVE HER and evaluate her behavior not her words.

 

The parallels I see here are incredible, and admittedly the suggestions I make below are based on my personal history and not some special insight into your reality. (Use your own judgement.)

 

My prediction is she'll quit counseling by the third session. That will be the point where she will have exhausted her blame game and the therapist will start to ask her questions she won't want to answer.

 

Eventually, the other man may dump her or she may dump him as the strain and drama of this juggling act becomes to difficult and costly. That's not necessarily good news for you and your kids (and it could last for years.)

 

She's more likely to move onto another affair at a new job, etc. because what I found in my experience is that people like this require a villain to justify their past behavior in their own psyche. Crucifying her husband is how she off-loads shame. If she doesn't leave you it's because she requires you for this purpose but, you're life from now on is to be the target of her abuse. She is already abusing you.

 

These women can't reconcile a marriage with the same person upon whom they off-load all this shame. We become the psychological equivalent of a spittoon - an object where they spit the filthy chaw of what is really their own self-disgust.

 

If your experience is truly like mine - then at some point you'll have a moment of clarity where you see this shame dumping occur in real time upon an issue that is too obviously absurd for you to absorb as your own, even under the emotionally weak state you may currently be in.

Edited by Turning point
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Also, please understand even if the OM dumps her it will only make her obsess over him and want him more. Do you understand?? All of her heart and thoughts are with and on the OM. This will not change no matter how much money you throw away on therapy. She will only stay with you because she can't have him. It will never be because she is now back in love with you.

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Turning point

Sometimes, they're not obsessed with anyone except themselves. My STBX strung men along because she was using them.

 

With the boss: because he'd steer all the cushy sales accounts to her and pay her a big bonus even while bonuses had been shut down company wide.

 

With the customer: because he behaved as her water boy; bought her a new car, picked up her dry cleaning, paid for travel, clothes, etc.

 

With a co-worker: because she coveted his territory and planned to take it from him.

 

She would always change jobs right before the crap hit the fan, escaping the fall out and cleanup.

 

Your wife also seems to have have her job "projects" neatly bundled up in this affair. Don't torture yourself by believing this is about love. She may be a lot colder than you've ever realized. Protect yourself and (if still viable) don't get her pregnant!

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I made a costly mistake in not separating my ex from me financially from the get go. Actually it never even occurred to me but it sure did her. She got me real well with the credit cards and cash advances. The one thing I did do right was consult with an Atty for legal counsel and did not reveal that to the ex.

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