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[Counselor stated] affairs save marriages?


Tanchik

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That's what my IC says! Anyone else's?

 

I kept asking her about my own history, and how I am having a hard time with my actions, etc. But she wouldn't go there. Affairs are quite common she says, they help keep marriages together.

 

Isn't it nice to know that as OW/MOW we help save not only our own marriage, but also out AP's! While we typically want the complete opposite of that!

 

Another reason to break off the A? Maybe.

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TBH, I'd find a different IC. Generally, mental health professionals don't give advice like 'affairs help marriages', rather assist patients in their own process. One can of course choose to explore how an affair can help or hurt a marriage with their IC, as well as why or how non-disclosure or disclosure can do same. The therapy is about process and tools to better understand oneself, one's behaviors, one's motivations. It's personal.

 

Do you think an affair can help a marriage? Why? That's a question our psychologist would've asked, how he would've phrased it. He asked me different questions about my affair but never offered an opinion until after over a year of therapy. He stated 'Well, I believe you have a decision to make'. That was it.

 

Were you surprised your IC made such statement? Why or why not?

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I have read they help because the miserable person is finding happiness elsewhere; thus, making his/her marriage more tolerable. And can also help that person realize they want in their marriage what they have with their affair partner, so they return to work on the marriage.

 

If your therapist is suggesting you have an affair, run. Find a new one.

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Were you surprised your IC made such statement? Why or why not?

 

I was, and told her that. She said that she's not here to give morally correct answers, that I know the answers myself.

 

It kinda makes sense. Right or wrong, it helped me to prolong my marriage!

 

It also made me mad, that I was helping my AP to do the same.

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That person needs a new profession ...

 

My doctor told me I should have some alcohol here and there, so maybe I should get fall down drunk...that's what he said....that's just ridiculous.

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Yes, I know a MW personally where both have had affairs and their marriage is long, 30+, has a great appearance and they generally do OK together, though intimacy I've seen isn't what I'd want in my M. It's more cordial than anything. Back in the day when I knew more MW's I called them 'marriages of convenience' but of course I'm not a mental health professional. I think people should live as they see fit regardless of how others may view that fit. The couple in my example above is one. They do a great job of it. Not my cuppa but not my life either.

 

IMO, if you're staying in your M, a MC competent with affairs would be a better choice. However, if your choice is to not disclose, an IC can help with tools that benefit you with that choice, mainly how to deal with your 'secret'. That sounds easy but IME it's not.

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That's outrageous. Affairs just add layers of **** to a marriage, to one's life and to the life of everyone around me. I've had multiple affairs and it has added a layer of ****, another layer(s) of **** to work through. My counsellor (it's been a few weeks, but reminds me now that I'm out of the hospital, to make an appointment) told me that infidelity in her profession is one of the hardest things to overcome in a marriage/relationship and to maintain a healthy relationship afterward.

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This advice makes about as much sense as the old medical advice that cigarette smoking helps individuals with breathing problems...

 

I hope you didn't pay a lot of money to this counsellor, because you may as well have opened the window and thrown your money into the wind.

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That's the first thing I thought... and I wouldn't go to another session of the current one.

 

I guess she will keep her, I mean who doesn't want to hear what they want to hear. Were she to visit a REAL therapist she would be forced to really think about her poor decisions and behavior. Much better to just hear you're doing great, and your behavior is netting you positive results.

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, and how I am having a hard time with my actions, etc. But she wouldn't go there.
It depends on the tradition/culture in which she was raised. (Many European cultures find North American sexual morēs simply quaint.)

 

The concern is that she will not (or cannot) "go there" to whatever place you want or need to go. If for nothing else, for this reason alone you need to find a new therapist.

 

It's perfectly fine to just find somebody else; you don't need to give this one any reason or explanation for why you're leaving.

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Also, consider, if not already doing so, seeking out a clinical psychologist with specialty in your area of concern. Be mindful of other impacts in your life which might be relevant. As example, we chose a MC whose clinical experience was with both infidelity and child abuse and the potential confluences. In our case it was my wife (now exW) who was abused/molested as a child, and had previously had professional help with that. In such cases, IMO the most competent of professional help should be sought.

 

I can offer one anecdote from my past with a MW I had an EA with long before EA's were a 'thing'. Her IC, at a point of disconnect with her H about six years into our deal and after a couple years of NC, actually suggested to her that she 'look him up'. She did, sent me a card in the mail (this was ages ago) and we met for dinner and that's how I found out about the IC. TBH I thought that was a bit nutty but was young and hormonal so ;)

 

Anyway, the point is IC's don't always operate in one's best interest and definitely not always in the best interest of one's marriage. If tossing the marriage in the dumpster is their path to the patient's personal health, into the dumpster it goes. The individual is the client, not the marriage. Keep that in mind with an IC.

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I suppose if you assume that an IC is a crisis in the marriage that brings things to a head & forces the couple to deal with various issues they could be brought together. But that seems like the hard way. Instead they would be better off dealing with the issues before the crisis & the betrayal happen.

 

I would definitely get a new IC. While it might not be professional to make moral judgements, her advice to behave in an immoral way is definitely off.

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I agree that finding a therapist/counselor who specializes in the problem at hand is best.

 

<snip> IC's don't always operate in one's best interest

I think that ICs who leave their clients with this impression simply do not have high-level skill-sets or insights -- that is, from their perspective they truly felt that they were doing their best

for each of their clients, but, because of their lack of proper understanding of psychology and human nature, they just weren't very good at their jobs. :(.

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While it might not be professional to make moral judgements, her advice to behave in an immoral way is definitely off.

 

Brilliantly said.

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I could see purveyors of morality, like a clerical advisor or therapist, moralizing, but it has no business in the therapeutic process, projecting the mental health professional's personal morals onto a patient. I'd report them to their licensing authority for such behavior and never darken their door again. Beyond their duties as a mandatory reporter of potential or real illegal activity, leave personal beliefs and biases at the door.

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She's not suggesting that's the right thing to do, not at all. Just that it's common, and in her experience, they've helped keep people together.

 

Putting all moral issues aside (and they are valid!), it IS true. It's a fact. It's a way to get what you need without having to destroy your marriage, impact your kids. I am simply playing devil's advocate here, not saying it's the *right* thing to do!

 

She said that to me because she believes that it's a symptom of other issues in my marriage. I chose to deal with it in this way, it's common, but it's not the solution. So with that, let's talk about a solution that will help you, and not dwell on something you already know is wrong.

 

I actually appreciate a therapist that will not tell me the "right" thing, but will make me think.

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I actually appreciate a therapist that will not tell me the "right" thing, but will make me think.

 

That was what i greatly valued in our MC even though he and I butted heads many times over my affair. He made me think and reflect and self-analyze and will always have my respect. IMO, respecting one's therapist or psychologist is crucial. That's earned.

 

Normally I'd say ask for a referral for a potentially bad fit but IDK if I would in this case. Asking for referrals is normal in the mental health field and the practitioners are used to it and often know a clinician more appropriate for the particular client. We actually got ours referred by a client of my exW and who was a clinical psychologist at a women's prison and someone we both knew and respected but she couldn't assist due to her relationship with my exW, so she referred out.

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She's not suggesting that's the right thing to do, not at all. Just that it's common, and in her experience, they've helped keep people together.

 

It IS true. It's a fact. It's a way to get what you need without having to destroy your marriage, impact your kids.

 

How is it that an affair does not impact the children?

 

By best friend's mother had an affair. When her father found out he divorced her mother. They moved away to a small apartment where they lived very modestly, as her mother had to go back to school and get a part-time job.

 

I have another friend who had an affair - her husband left her. Her children suffered with anxiety and went to counselling, their grades fell, and it has taken years for the whole situation to settle down...

 

With all due respect, affairs destroy families. There are individuals on this board who will share their experiences of how their relationships with their parents were forever altered because of an affair.

 

Affairs may well be common, but let's not normalize the destruction that extramarital affairs can cause - to the lives of everyone involved. Furthermore, to suggest that affairs are a way to get what you need while not affecting others is simply not true, in most cases. And even if it was the case, the selfishness and sense of entitlement to make such a statement is rather stunning.

Edited by BaileyB
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To normalize affairs by stating that they are common is deny and dismiss the destruction that extramarital affairs can cause - to the lives of everyone involved. Furthermore, to suggest that affairs are a way to get what you need while not affecting others is simply not true, in most cases. And even if it was the case, the selfishness and sense of entitlement to make such a statement is rather stunning.

 

I am not suggesting that, nor advocating affairs. Your examples are all about cases when affairs are found out. In those cases the impact to children you describe is similar to that of a divorce.

 

It's a chance/choice one takes, and if it's not found out, one can keep the facade of his/her marriage going for whatever reason. And WHEN is works, it helps prolong the marriage.

 

I did think it was an unusual perspective on something that happens all the time, but is not socially or morally acceptable.

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Putting all moral issues aside (and they are valid!), it IS true. It's a fact. It's a way to get what you need without having to destroy your marriage, impact your kids. I am simply playing devil's advocate here, not saying it's the *right* thing to do!

 

It's amazing the doors that are opened if we put "all moral issues aside".

 

Just like an affair, as long as you don't get caught embezzling from your employer or PTA helps your marriage right, right? Gotta fund the kid's college accounts. And I might as well hire someone to beat up that guy at work up for the same promotion as me, successful career advance also good for the old home life.

 

The possibilities are endless...

 

Mr. Lucky

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loversquarrel

Lol, how asinine. Ask my ex wife how her affair helped our marriage, then ask her how she felt when I had a nice revenge affair before I kicked her to the curb. The only thing her affair helped was me coming to my senses and changing my life for the better without her.

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Well that's different.

 

As an aside, I don't see "prolonging" a marriage to be a positive thing in and of itself. If an affair just makes it easier for someone to put up with staying married, that's a really low bar to set.

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Even if your wife/husband doesn’t find out, I think it most likely is impacting the marriage. People have only so much attention to give. If you’re focusing on someone else, instead of the person you made vows to....

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