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What's holding me back??


Tanchik

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Cliff notes:

 

- married over 20 years, he was my first, married young

- grown kids, younger one is college bound

- he's a nice guy, kind, loves me unconditionally, great roommate

- very few interests together, mostly spend free time separately, doing our own thing

- no sex with him for 2 years now, prior to that it was maybe twice per year, and it was always horrible, that's why I refuse to do it anymore. He thinks that I have no desire.

- on the contrary, I have a very high sex drive. Have had affairs to satisfy that need for almost the whole duration of marriage. On and off. Learned so much about what it can be like - WOW! Never really got emotionally involved, just looked at it and used it for what it was.

- would specifically seek out APs

- always thought that if I meet someone who caught my attention, I would leave my husband. Otherwise, why break up the family? Kids, etc.

- well, I finally have met that someone - MM. Strong EA/PA for 1.5 years. I was ready to make the move, he wasn't. Typical story. I ended it. Heartbroken still.

 

And now I am at a crossroad. I don't want to continue to do what I've been doing. With my last AP I understood what I've been missing - I want that (minus the affair fog)! Kids are now grown, so there's no reason to stay for them.

 

Yet, I am in this constant state of ambivalence! I am so unhappy, yet so scared to do make the move! Gave myself until younger one goes to college.

 

Talked to him about it, and he correctly says that I had shut down. I do not allow or initiate any physical contact, and my last affair completely checked me out of our marriage. That he can't do anything, unless I at least make one small step forward. He's right! But I can't. I cannot make myself do this. I am not in love with him anymore.

 

I want out. And logically, given the above, it's the right thing to do. Why is it so hard for me to pull the trigger???

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Cliff notes:

 

- married over 20 years, he was my first, married young

- grown kids, younger one is college bound

- he's a nice guy, kind, loves me unconditionally, great roommate

- very few interests together, mostly spend free time separately, doing our own thing

- no sex with him for 2 years now, prior to that it was maybe twice per year, and it was always horrible, that's why I refuse to do it anymore. He thinks that I have no desire.

- on the contrary, I have a very high sex drive. Have had affairs to satisfy that need for almost the whole duration of marriage. On and off. Learned so much about what it can be like - WOW! Never really got emotionally involved, just looked at it and used it for what it was.

- would specifically seek out APs

- always thought that if I meet someone who caught my attention, I would leave my husband. Otherwise, why break up the family? Kids, etc.

- well, I finally have met that someone - MM. Strong EA/PA for 1.5 years. I was ready to make the move, he wasn't. Typical story. I ended it. Heartbroken still.

 

And now I am at a crossroad. I don't want to continue to do what I've been doing. With my last AP I understood what I've been missing - I want that (minus the affair fog)! Kids are now grown, so there's no reason to stay for them.

 

Yet, I am in this constant state of ambivalence! I am so unhappy, yet so scared to do make the move! Gave myself until younger one goes to college.

 

Talked to him about it, and he correctly says that I had shut down. I do not allow or initiate any physical contact, and my last affair completely checked me out of our marriage. That he can't do anything, unless I at least make one small step forward. He's right! But I can't. I cannot make myself do this. I am not in love with him anymore.

 

I want out. And logically, given the above, it's the right thing to do. Why is it so hard for me to pull the trigger???

Let's make it easy...tell your husband you have cheated your entire marriage...boom done deal...you will find that unconditional love only exists between a parent and child.

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Talked to him about it, and he correctly says that I had shut down. I do not allow or initiate any physical contact, and my last affair completely checked me out of our marriage. That he can't do anything, unless I at least make one small step forward. He's right! But I can't. I cannot make myself do this. I am not in love with him anymore.

 

You talked to your husband, and told him about your affairs? And, he didn't kick you out and change the locks?

 

What makes you think that you are deserving to keep your marriage? Doesn't your husband deserve more than to be married to a woman who does not love him, has lied and betrayed him repeatedly, and shows absolutely no remorse for her actions?

 

Lying to your husband and engaging in affairs is a rather cowardly thing to do. Perhaps, your difficulty making this decision is consistent with your decision to betray your husband and pursue your own selfish interests... Perhaps, you lack the courage and the integrity to do what is required and end your marriage - to set aside your own selfish needs and do the right thing by your husband. You tell us...

Edited by BaileyB
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Perhaps, your difficulty making this decision is consistent with your decision to betray your husband and pursue your own selfish interests... Perhaps, you lack the courage and the integrity to do what is required and end your marriage - to set aside your own selfish needs and do the right thing by your husband.

 

Nailed it.

 

Tanchik, it's one thing to have the emotional awareness of the importance of meeting your own needs.

 

It's quite another to be willing to throw your spouse and father of your children under the bus in the pursuit of doing so.

 

Nothing wrong with what you've wanted, everything wrong with the way you gone about getting it. You've saddled your husband with years of rejection and even today, toy with the idea of playing house with him while you engage sexually with others.

 

I don't doubt your ability to rationalize this all away. Have to admit, I got a chill in my bones just reading your post...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I didn’t want to sound harsh, but you’re coward and selfish. That’s why you can’t make a move. You also want to secure your next relationship and way of living first so that poor you doesn’t struggle. You should at least try counseling and give your husband an opportunity to know that you have been unhappy. Truly, there’s tons of sex to be had out there, but not marriages with good partners. So give your husband an opportunity to be the great guy to a girl that will rock his world and honor the commitment.

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You say you don't love him any more I would question if you ever did. Was the marriage your way out of a bad situation and you used this man to get a better life? Sex was part of the price, until you reached a point you felt comfortable saying 'no'.

 

It may surprise you to know that most people are not born great lovers, it is a learned skill. Bad sex? That was something you could easily have worked on early in your marriage, but as I already mentioned I think you got with your BH as a means to an end!

 

You've robbed this man of a life with a partner who loves him, more than that, who respects him. You should divorce him if you're not going to try 100% to be the wife he needs and deserves.

 

I suspect you won't because this post is all about your wants and needs.

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I ended a marriage after 23 years. It's difficult in more ways than anyone even realizes, but I just do not understand why anyone who feels the way you do would choose to stay married.

 

My guess would be security in having someone around for emotional support, family connection, financial stability and support. But those are selfish reasons if your husband isn't aware that's why you're hanging in there.

 

Does your husband know about your history of affairs (it's not clear from your post)? If not, telling him is obviously the right thing to do, you're cheating him of the ability to make fully informed decisions about his own life. Show him respect as a long-term partner and the father of your children.

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Does your husband know about your affairs?

 

 

My view on a satisfying sex life is as follows......

 

 

If you abstain from porn and extra-marital relations then sex with your spouse can be exciting and fun. If you have exciting sexual affairs or/and masturbate to exciting porn then sex with your spouse is going to be boring. I think it is that simple. Stop shagging around for a while and see if you can inject a bit of passion into your marriage. Affairs are just a cheap buzz and a cop out.

Edited by smi11ie
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All fair. I almost posted this to see it on "paper", and knowing how frank this community is, to get the responses I got.

 

I've met him when I was 16 - he was my first everything, including my first love. But what do you really know at 16??? Everything was great (as far as I knew) then. The first 5-6 years together with him were the best of my life! Then kids came, and my priority shifted - I didn't have time to figure out if sex was good or not, and our relationship started to decline. He wasn't a good father - all of kids responsibilities fell on me. I became resentful.

 

Then he did something, that I won't get in here, that betrayed our whole family. It put me and the kids in great hardship, which we had survived... but I am guessing the resentment continued to build.

 

My intention was always to keep the family together, and so was his. Still is. When I first got the opportunity to explore my sexuality with someone else, I understood that he is a terrible lover! And while I've tried to communicate this to him, to show and tell, it's obvious that his heart was not in it. He doesn't want to change or improve. He'd go through the motions of whatever I tell him to do... what a turn off!!!

 

I've worked really hard to communicate, change, fix, improve, make it work. Not just in sex - that's just a small part, but in our overall time spent together. Until I eventually gave up, chose a path of least resistance that of course is a terrible choice.

 

I AM afraid. Scared to break apart the family that we worked so hard to build for 20+ years. And of course I am scared of what the future might hold. But I know it's time to do this, as I won't continue with affairs.

 

No, he doesn't know (and I think it is crazy that he hasn't noticed anything in all these years!), and I won't tell him. He seems to be perfectly happy in this state of "blah" that we have, and doesn't even complain too much about lack of sex... His lack of desire for better, for life, to improve is driving me crazy!

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I AM afraid. Scared to break apart the family that we worked so hard to build for 20+ years.

 

There's a number of ironies and contradictions in your post, but I'll just point out this one - you've engaged the entire marriage in the behavior that breaks apart more families than any other circumstance.

 

Almost everything you've done has been at cross purposes, you've claimed to want one thing and then embarked on a path that nearly guarantees the opposite result. And figured out how to blame your husband along the way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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There's a number of ironies and contradictions in your post, but I'll just point out this one - you've engaged the entire marriage in the behavior that breaks apart more families than any other circumstance.

 

Almost everything you've done has been at cross purposes, you've claimed to want one thing and then embarked on a path that nearly guarantees the opposite result. And figured out how to blame your husband along the way...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr lucky is right...

 

We hear your version of things all the time, oh I was great, the best wife, the best mother, unfortunately my husband is not...blah blah.

 

In my own situation my wife had similar views right up until she was holding divorce papers. Example, I worked away, I worked really hard to clear some time so I could fly home for her birthday. I took her for a picnic, the whole time she was upset and snappy. She told me, "you on only did this because its what you think a husband should do, not because you care" I was confused by this until I found out about her affair.

 

Point being, once you allow a third party into your marriage, the effort by your spouse goes unseen, or met with resentment.

 

You're digging for and holding on to things that rationalize your poor behavior. It's your behavior and totally independent of anything your husband has done

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You won't get a divorce because you are comfortable in the marriage. You probably get along, have a house and family you've built, financial security and it's safe and secure. If you get a divorce, you will be alone, without love, passion and sex, but then you will also not have all the comfortable things I listed above. There is no guarantee that you will find someone else once you get divorced, so why get divorced? Unless you like taking risks. The only reason to get divorced is to save your husband from your wretched ways.

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No, I'm not comfortable in my marriage. And I'm ok to be independent. I'm already alone.

 

Divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Is it really fair to the kids to break up a family because their father is a lousy lover? What if he is also a so-so father? What if we also have nothing in common? Where's that line? Is it that as soon as you are not happy about something, and unable to resolve it, you divorce? I'm not so sure.

 

Of course, an affair is wrong for so many reasons, but what if (and there's no way to know this) the intact family provided the kids with opportunities that they wouldn't have had otherwise? I know that in my case it definitely did, even given the above.

 

I've always struggled with this, and always chose to keep it stable for the kids. And yes, that meant getting what I wanted elsewhere. I viewed it as selfish to get divorced just because I wasn't happy.

 

Now that kids are grown, the impact of divorce is still significant, but I no longer see another way to proceed.

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No, I'm not comfortable in my marriage. And I'm ok to be independent. I'm already alone.

 

Divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Is it really fair to the kids to break up a family because their father is a lousy lover? What if he is also a so-so father? What if we also have nothing in common? Where's that line? Is it that as soon as you are not happy about something, and unable to resolve it, you divorce? I'm not so sure.

 

Of course, an affair is wrong for so many reasons, but what if (and there's no way to know this) the intact family provided the kids with opportunities that they wouldn't have had otherwise? I know that in my case it definitely did, even given the above.

 

I've always struggled with this, and always chose to keep it stable for the kids. And yes, that meant getting what I wanted elsewhere. I viewed it as selfish to get divorced just because I wasn't happy.

 

Now that kids are grown, the impact of divorce is still significant, but I no longer see another way to proceed.

Again, your talking right out of the wayward handbook. Your words are a clear indication of a woman dumped by her AP and somehow believing being single will change the outcome.

 

I'm not for one second suggesting you stay married, your husband deserves better, I'm sure in your mind you've been an exceptional wife and mother. That's because you refuse to see the damage your behavior has caused. Just because they dont know doesn't mean they haven't felt the years of having a part time wife and mother.

 

I would guarantee you that your husband is as unsatisfied with you as you are with him. I'm guessing you dont see that either. As I told another wayward wife, your husband would have to be emotionally incompetent to not realize that something is off after decades of you cheating. often people in your situation soon find that their spouse has also been involved with another or others.

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Divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Is it really fair to the kids to break up a family because their father is a lousy lover? What if he is also a so-so father? What if we also have nothing in common? Where's that line? Is it that as soon as you are not happy about something, and unable to resolve it, you divorce? I'm not so sure.

 

Of course, an affair is wrong for so many reasons, but what if (and there's no way to know this) the intact family provided the kids with opportunities that they wouldn't have had otherwise?

 

Exactly what opportunities do you think your children are enjoying with their family intact that they wouldn't have with divorced parents? Their parents don't respect each other, they don't love each other, their father is an uninvolved and poor parent (by your account), their mother's time and attention has been directed toward her affair partner(s)... Do you understand what I'm saying? Other than the financial benefit for pooling your financial resources, I don't see any benefit to your children for keeping your family intact...

 

There is nothing "wrong" with divorce. What's "wrong" is to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy, to stay with a man who you do not respect or share any affection, while turning outside the marriage for affection - thus putting the "stability" of your family at risk.

 

Divorce allows your children the opportunity to see their parent(s) find happiness, to witness their parent(s) hopefully find a relationship that bring them love and affection, thus teaching them what a healthy relationship looks like as they prepare to go out into the world and find their own life partners...

 

If given the choice, I think most children would chose to have two happy and healthy, divorced parents any day...

 

And as DKT3 says, I'm quite sure that your husband is equally miserable in his marriage with you.

 

If you do decide to divorce, you are not divorcing your husband because he is a lousy lover. You are divorcing him because you married young, you grew apart, you are no longer compatable (in many ways, not only sexually), he has made poor decisions in the past that have put your family at risk, you don't trust him, you don't respect him, and he is not engaged with the family any more (again, by your own account).

Edited by BaileyB
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Of course staying married for over 20 years increases your alimony entitlement if or when you divorce, however I'm sure that never been a consideration in your decision to stay in the marriage until now?

 

Right?

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Of course staying married for over 20 years increases your alimony entitlement if or when you divorce, however I'm sure that never been a consideration in your decision to stay in the marriage until now?

 

Right?

 

It also decreases the child support, assuming that her children are older and her husband has a good income.

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RideTheLightening

I've met him when I was 16 - he was my first everything, including my first love. But what do you really know at 16??? Everything was great (as far as I knew) then. The first 5-6 years together with him were the best of my life! Then kids came, and my priority shifted - I didn't have time to figure out if sex was good or not, and our relationship started to decline. He wasn't a good father - all of kids responsibilities fell on me. I became resentful.

I AM afraid. Scared to break apart the family that we worked so hard to build for 20+ years. And of course I am scared of what the future might hold. But I know it's time to do this, as I won't continue with affairs.

No, he doesn't know (and I think it is crazy that he hasn't noticed anything in all these years!), and I won't tell him. He seems to be perfectly happy in this state of "blah" that we have, and doesn't even complain too much about lack of sex... His lack of desire for better, for life, to improve is driving me crazy!

 

A couple points. Is your husband a terrible lover? Maybe, maybe not. What I can say for certain is that based on your statement you inspire very little passion in him. Perhaps you have let all the years of resentment wreck his feelings for you.

 

Also... you didn’t just cheat on your husband, you cheated on your whole family.

 

Last point... I’ve been in a lot of relationships, and I will tell you that often times what makes a man desire for something better is having someone worthwhile to share that with. A bad woman kills the desire to achieve anything better. Be better and in time his attitude will change.

 

I believe it potentially worthwhile for you to ponder these things. I don’t think you are able to get past your resentment and that you are just wasting you and your husbands time. However, if you can get over it... a better marriage is possible.

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A couple points. Is your husband a terrible lover? Maybe, maybe not. What I can say for certain is that based on your statement you inspire very little passion in him. Perhaps you have let all the years of resentment wreck his feelings for you.

 

Also... you didn’t just cheat on your husband, you cheated on your whole family.

 

Last point... I’ve been in a lot of relationships, and I will tell you that often times what makes a man desire for something better is having someone worthwhile to share that with. A bad woman kills the desire to achieve anything better. Be better and in time his attitude will change.

 

I believe it potentially worthwhile for you to ponder these things. I don’t think you are able to get past your resentment and that you are just wasting you and your husbands time. However, if you can get over it... a better marriage is possible.

 

I would normally agree, but here, I dont think a better marriage is possible. She has been unfaithful for so long and with many different men that the honesty needed to improve her marriage would most likely end it in a horrible fashion.

 

I believe based on the length that she has been unfaithful and the clearly lacking connection for years that her husband too has turned his attention elsewhere. No one is unaware of decades of cheating, this leads me to believe they have silently entered into a no ask no tell open marriage. Im guessing OP will have a hard time seeing this, since she seems blinded by anything that isnt in her own best interest.

 

Met at 16 been together some 20 plus years that would make them early 40's at the oldest. Adult kids, mean absolutely no reason to fix a marriage lacking in love and respect. Plenty of time to find and be with more suitable options.

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Of course staying married for over 20 years increases your alimony entitlement if or when you divorce, however I'm sure that never been a consideration in your decision to stay in the marriage until now?

 

Right?

 

This is not a factor at all. Don't expect any alimony, hoping for a fair and easy separation. Thankfully I can support my self.

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Again, your talking right out of the wayward handbook. Your words are a clear indication of a woman dumped by her AP and somehow believing being single will change the outcome.

 

This is interesting. Wasn't dumped by him, but regardless, isn't the whole idea behind being single, and dating someone who's available increases the chance of a better outcome?

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This is interesting. Wasn't dumped by him, but regardless, isn't the whole idea behind being single, and dating someone who's available increases the chance of a better outcome?

 

Not when the single person is married and you believe if you were no longer married it would change his decision.

 

Ps I say dumped because it was really him that ended things because he didn't want to progress with you. So, because you didn't get what you wanted you officially ended it....however it's not over. Most MM want extra and you will go back.

Edited by DKT3
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Ps I say dumped because it was really him that ended things because he didn't want to progress with you. So, because you didn't get what you wanted you officially ended it....however it's not over. Most MM want extra and you will go back.

 

It's like you can't wait for me to get hurt. Nice!

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It's like you can't wait for me to get hurt. Nice!

 

No, your wrong. If you just read the stories here you will find that wife after wife do what you've done...rarely for decades and with so many men, but there is a general pattern. I see nothing that's says you wont follow the pattern.

 

I think you are being dishonest with yourself about alot, I believe you aren't taking responsibility for your actions or the direction your life is headed. I believe that you dont want a divorce and you are currently very unhappy but cant see an easy way forward. your posts indicate you are like water and follow the easy path. Thing is there is no easy path out of infidelity, in your situation a lifetime of infidelities. Running away from your husband and marriage isnt going to fill the void, having sex with 100 more men isnt going to fill the void. Time to bit down and figure out why you have done the things you've done. One thing for sure, it has nothing to do with your husband and his "betrayal " years ago or his lack of ability in the bedroom.

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It's like you can't wait for me to get hurt. Nice!

 

As opposed to your husband? I understand he's no saint, especially in your eyes, but marriage and family implies a certain consideration for each other you clearly don't feel.

 

How about your MM's spouse and kids? Or the wives and children of all your other AP's?

 

It's like you couldn't wait for them to get hurt. Nice...

 

Mr. Lucky

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