YoungCandy Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) Not too sure if it's the right forum. I'll be skipping a lot of details here because I want to keep it brief and to the point. I have been having a mix bag of emotions and not sure what can be done. The story traces back six years ago when I first cheated on my wife. A few years later she cheated back on me and made physical and emotional contacts with multiple affair partners. Over the years our relationship has been very rocky and challenging but somehow we managed to stay together. During my discovery of her affair, my wife confessed that the affair started from a car sex she had with one of my closest friends. I had doubt at that time that she was only telling half of the story. Because of my suspicious, I did ask a lot of questions including details of her sex act with AP. She got really defensive at the time and only told me about the time and frequency them met and where about they had sex. I felt she wasn't coming clean on things. So, naturally I kept on asking her those questions over the year in hope that she would tell me one day. Earlier this year though, she finally opened up and admitted that she was having multiple affairs at the same time, but all of her affairs had ended soon after my initial discovery. Then she went on and talked about the details of the sex with her partners. She told me one of her lovers had some incredible kissing skills that drove her crazy; his passionate touch, a stocky, muscular body simply overran her and she could hardly keep with his stamina in bed. She also said my close friend has a very rounded and stunt cock that she couldn't stop sucking even she was not in the mood for intercourse. And she had sex with these men in many different places, like cars, parks, back of stores, their friend's house and even in our own bedroom. She told me she seemed to cum a lot quicker and stronger with her APs than with me. Granted, the excitement and freshness played some roles here in making her orgasms quicker, but she did say her affairs were a big eye opener and she had never been so horny and exciting for sex after she became a mother many years ago. My wife and I had been married for more than 10 years and we used to have incredible sex in the early stage of our marriage. She has grown increasingly indifferent and become less interested in sex, in recent years she would barely had any orgasm from our sex at home. I knew there has been a lack of excitement in our marriage but I didn't know she was having some crazy sex with other men. Our relationship has improved a little bit since last year and emotionally we're more stable than a few years ago. I felt quite relief that she finally told me the answers, but her story about sex with other men made me very jealous and I don't know how am I going to live with it. It doesn't help when our sex life has been going on a down hill slope and is not showing any sign of stopping. Sometime I would fantasize a threesome or couple swap so I could watch her getting worked up by another man. I know it's not helpful to our marriage but sure as hell it must be exciting to watch. It's hard to get the idea out of my head. Anyone has this kind of experience and how are you coping it? Edited December 22, 2018 by YoungCandy Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 Your don't have a marriage or wife. A man cheating on his wife is not the same as a wife cheating on her husbands. She cheated multiple times, and the fact that she told you exposes your position in her 'sexual strategy' : you are a 'beta' to her : the guy she dates/marries for security, child caring, provisioning,a mere utility..she doesn't respect you, and she isn't into you, not aroused by you. The guys she cheated with are her 'alphas' they are for the good sex, validational sex, she is 'genuinely attracted' to them..this are usually men whose commitment she can't get, so she has no strings attached sex, the same type of guys she had one-nightstands with in college, before here 30's... All you need to do is divorce her, she isn't worth the commitment of a husband, you get better relationships and seks without her in your life.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 The story traces back six years ago when I first cheated on my wife. Once you let the genie out of the bottle... Anyone has this kind of experience and how are you coping it? Hard to believe you didn't see this freight train coming when you were trying for years to get the details. If you were really interested in going forward with your marriage, probably best not to ask. If you're going to stay, given your situation, I'd focus on the future and let the past go... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author YoungCandy Posted December 22, 2018 Author Share Posted December 22, 2018 Hard to believe you didn't see this freight train coming when you were trying for years to get the details. If you were really interested in going forward with your marriage, probably best not to ask. If you're going to stay, given your situation, I'd focus on the future and let the past go... Mr. Lucky I was very angry when I discovered the affair and suspected she wasn't telling the truth. All I cared about was finding out what really happened not how damaging it might be. How to let go is the exact question I'm asking and want to know if there are others who have been through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 This is a good situation for an open marriage, you know the whole "swingers" thing. It's the same thing you've been doing only without the deception. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 If lifestyle and/or social status has you, I'd agree to mutual private and discrete dalliances, no details shared, and continue the legal social partnership. Do a post-nup to set up the asset/liability part and leave the affairs in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 How to let go is the exact question I'm asking and want to know if there are others who have been through this. For some reason, I was more focused on the number of times my ex slept with her AP than the specific details of what they'd done. Regardless, I was pretty sure she was still lying to me so her answers didn't count for much anyway. You really have two separate problems: I felt quite relief that she finally told me the answers, but her story about sex with other men made me very jealous and I don't know how am I going to live with it. It doesn't help when our sex life has been going on a down hill slope and is not showing any sign of stopping. Absent divorce, you may have to pick which one you'll focus on... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author YoungCandy Posted December 23, 2018 Author Share Posted December 23, 2018 For some reason, I was more focused on the number of times my ex slept with her AP than the specific details of what they'd done. Regardless, I was pretty sure she was still lying to me so her answers didn't count for much anyway. Mr. Lucky I was focused on the number of times at first because I knew she went out to meet with someone very often when she only told me about one partner and the times they had sex was too few. Also, during our intimate time I noticed she had some significant change in sexual preferences and she seemed to enjoy some new tricks that I never used on her. Link to post Share on other sites
KimJ1999 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 A man cheating on his wife is not the same as a wife cheating on her husbands. How is it different? Are you saying that a husband cheating isn't as big a deal as a wife cheating? Affairs are Affairs, whether it's the husband or wife. Its equally devastating and destructive. I'm sure the BW's on here will agree. The OP conveniently left out all the details of his affair (s). Maybe we should hear those details too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
El Duendecillo Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 How is it different? Are you saying that a husband cheating isn't as big a deal as a wife cheating? If I'm being honest, my instinct is to agree with Jamess1. This is how I once viewed infidelity. It's mostly a guy thing I guess, in my case, mainly because I used to buy into the notion that a woman can't separate love/emotions from sex. That when a woman cheats, she must really love/have feelings for her AP. However, I do not view infidelity through such a biased lens anymore. As you've noted, M/F betrayal is equally as devastating. I took me years to change my thinking, and helped me heal from past betrayals. YoungCandy, Be careful. I once found myself in situation with a cheating, gaslighting Ex, that once I caught, proposed opening up our relationship to others. At the time I agreed to consider it, I was still in shock and had not fully processed her betrayal. Like you, I took advantage of her newly found openness to get all of the fully graphic details, who, what was done, how many times etc. Like you, it was initially a turn on thinking about being in such a sexually open relationship with her. Then the reality hit. All of the lies, the betrayals, and gaslighting came crashing back onto me. Once I really processed what she had done, and how she treated me when I tried to get the truth from her, I snapped. I kicked her out in a pretty dramatic fashion. Even worse, was how disgusted I was with myself for even briefly considering an open relationship just to make her happy. This was my brush with what you are considering, but it may be something that you can live with. No judgements here if you should decide to move in that direction. Just be careful that you have allowed time to fully processed the years of her lies and betrayals before you agree to participate in an open marriage. Remember, you HAVE been in an open marriage for years now, but just never knew it. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 Women can easily separate love from sex and it is not different for a woman to cheat than a man. Men often just feel more entitled to cheat. There is always better sex out there ..you started this by cheating and now she's had the chance to have better more exciting sex. She probably felt very desirable which boosted her ego too. Your so called friend is not a friend...or he wouldn't have done what he did. Did your wife tell you the details to hurt you? I can't see why the need for that level of detail, unless to make you feel inferior or inadequate sexually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 Sharing those kind of details sounds hurtful to me. I don't think I could deal. What's the purpose of telling a husband that he's second rate compared to Joe Stuntcock whose rig she couldn't stop chugging? Ugh...my god. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 How is it different? Are you saying that a husband cheating isn't as big a deal as a wife cheating? Affairs are Affairs, whether it's the husband or wife. Its equally devastating and destructive. I'm sure the BW's on here will agree. The OP conveniently left out all the details of his affair (s). Maybe we should hear those details too. I am saying exactly that, men and women don't have the same sexual realities and experiences. All that a woman has do to cheat is accept the guy who is already hitting on her. It's easier for women to cheat; there is an ancient-old business of men paying women money for seks. Women are inherently, hypergamous - their sexuality seeks out better than herself and who she already has, in some regard the man a woman cheats with is better than the man she already has (..her successful boss, her seksually talented ex). Men's seksuality is inherently polygamous, he is not seeking a woman better than the one he already has, he is seeking out seksual variety. That is why forgiving a cheating wife is a waste of time that could be better spent working on a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
JoseFromSF Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I am saying exactly that, men and women don't have the same sexual realities and experiences. All that a woman has do to cheat is accept the guy who is already hitting on her. It's easier for women to cheat; there is an ancient-old business of men paying women money for seks. Women are inherently, hypergamous - their sexuality seeks out better than herself and who she already has, in some regard the man a woman cheats with is better than the man she already has (..her successful boss, her seksually talented ex). Men's seksuality is inherently polygamous, he is not seeking a woman better than the one he already has, he is seeking out seksual variety. That is why forgiving a cheating wife is a waste of time that could be better spent working on a new relationship. :lmao::laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 I am saying exactly that, men and women don't have the same sexual realities and experiences. All that a woman has do to cheat is accept the guy who is already hitting on her. It's easier for women to cheat; there is an ancient-old business of men paying women money for seks. Women are inherently, hypergamous - their sexuality seeks out better than herself and who she already has, in some regard the man a woman cheats with is better than the man she already has (..her successful boss, her seksually talented ex). Men's seksuality is inherently polygamous, he is not seeking a woman better than the one he already has, he is seeking out seksual variety. That is why forgiving a cheating wife is a waste of time that could be better spent working on a new relationship. If that were the case then infidelity would be an absolute certainty, not a 40-50% risk. Men can be just as hypergamous as women and women can be just as varietal as men. Every type of man can be cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 You might want to do a paternity DNA test on your kids, if you're curious. Sounds like your wife is an experienced cheater. How you can stay married to her is beyond my comprehension. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 I wouldnt want to know, would drive me mad. but im single. most cheaters never change, in your case i hope she does Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 How is it different? Are you saying that a husband cheating isn't as big a deal as a wife cheating? Affairs are Affairs, whether it's the husband or wife. Its equally devastating and destructive. I'm sure the BW's on here will agree. The OP conveniently left out all the details of his affair (s). Maybe we should hear those details too. I think it means most men wont put up with a woman cheating and leave. men who cheat morely there wifes stay. Link to post Share on other sites
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