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Wife of 22 yrs had emotional then physical affair


ChessKnight

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Been married 22 years with 4 teenage kids (born bw 1999 and 2005). Oldest is special needs which I only mention because it’s added tremendous stress on our lives.

 

She graduated nursing school just six years ago, but my wife is incredibly smart and hard working (except for housework). She got her master’s degree a few years ago and is now a nurse manager. In six years, she’s worked seven different jobs. Each switch she’s gotten a raise, so she’s been incredibly successful, career-wise.

 

Our sex life has never been ideal since our first was born. In fact, it’s been rather terrible. Sex once a month. And for years we only had what we’d call ‘climb-on’ sex. Essentially, I’d try to get romantic and touchy/feely and she’d say she wasn’t in the mood but if I wanted to ‘climb on’ I could. Basically, she was a sex-toy. For years.

 

Our marriage really suffered during this time. Constant verbal fighting, even in front of the kids. Little sex and when we had sex it was perfunctory. But we had great times too. Amazing vacations, dinners out several times a week (she doesn’t cook so I do all the cooking). We have an awesome pool, so we constantly have friends over for summer BBQ’s. []

 

She started her first management job at a hospital in the beginning of 2017 and she hit it off immediately with her psychiatrist (she works in a psyche ward). He’s 7 years younger but from Brazil and she loves ethnic men. Which I am not. I’m a pasty guy with Scottish/Irish roots. She’s incredibly attractive, at least to me, even at 47. Her face is a 10 and body is probably 7. She had the ‘mommy makeover’ (boob job, tummy tuck, lipo) when she graduated nursing school and is only 5’ tall so she has nice figure but could still lose a few pounds (in her words).

 

As I said, she’s incredibly intelligent and attractive. And this psychiatrist is a sex-addict. I knew she was interested in him from the beginning because she was constantly talking about him. She was also spending more time at work, like 60-hours per week. Leave the house at 6 or 7 in morning and come home at 6 or 7 at night. She’d also hang out with her ‘GANG’ from the hospital at least once a week. Usually Friday nights and I wasn’t invited because it was just her gang. Later it turned to sometimes Thursdays or Saturdays as well.

 

And she’s active in her evangelical church so she’d have Bible studies one night and she sings on worship team, so she’d practice that another night. We saw less and less of each other the past two years. I suggested marital counselling numerous times and she was hesitant but to her credit said if I set it up, she’d go. She’d always gave a bunch of reasons why we didn’t need it, though.

 

I knew our marriage was struggling but I think the Pavlovian effect was in place for me. Essentially the intermittent rewards (vacations, dates, monthly sex) propelled me (and I thought us) forward and made up for the fights and lack of intimacy other times.

 

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR COMES OUT

On one of her nights out with her gang, she didn’t come home until after 2 a.m. And she was plastered. I’d always worry about her driving drunk because she’s so small and drinks quite a bit when she’s out. Around midnight when she’s out I’d start texting her and telling her to grab Uber or stay at her friend’s house. I was worried sick this night and eventually she stumbled in and had obviously been crying.

 

It turns out her psychiatrist friend was having an affair (he’s married with a 2-year-old son) with another woman (nurse practitioner) in her small ‘gang’ from the hospital. He had been sexting my wife (I never looked at her phone until after this) and hitting on her for forever. She loved the attention and flirted back but was always coy. But now she was heartbroken. Poor thing. I actually felt bad for her.

 

She immediately rallied and started working out. She lost 20 lbs and now had a 10/10 body. In like, 6 weeks. I was actually invited out with her gang on an overnight trip to Boston where I got to meet the gang. Also, where the psychiatrist and the NP sucked face all night because I guess it was their ‘coming out’ announcing their affair was now public. His wife was back in Brazil for an extended trip home. It was around this time that I started to check her phone for their texts, but they all became more work-related. I knew she was still interested in him because she told me a story about something goofy that happened at work with him and I made some remark about ‘I guess he’s just not that smart’. She shot back aggressively ‘he’s the smartest man I’ve ever met’. I was joking but her reply was defensive and angry.

 

The previous fall my wife got a few girls to book a ‘girls cruise’ for April of 2018. The NP was on that cruise as was my wife’s sister who isn’t part of the gang. Before they left, apparently the psychiatrist told the NP “I want you to have fun, I don’t care if you hook up with another guy”. He obviously set NP up because she immediately hooked up with a guy and spent the entire week with him. And when they returned to work my wife ‘accidentally told psychiatrist’ about the hookup and he broke up with NP.

NP was crushed, and my wife was back in business.

 

Two months later we had (what I thought was) a wonderful 22nd anniversary sans children on at a beach hotel about an hour from our home for two nights. We had sex twice but I kind of envisioned it as a ‘sex weekend’ but it didn’t pan out. Basically, two quickies. After that we had sex probably twice in the next 3 months.

 

I’ll now fast-forward to the beginning of October. She had been looking for and subsequently gotten a job at a new hospital for a TON more money. Like $40,000/year more. I was happy she was finally away from this guy. However, my wife seemed to become paranoid about getting an STD. She’s never smoked pot but on her girl’s cruise she took a hit off a cannabis vape pen from some dude. She was now telling me she’s wondering if she got herpes from the hit. She set up testing with her primary. All very suspicious.

 

Of course, there were a million other clues I had in the back of my mind but never brought forth consciously. The final ‘eureka’ clue was she ordered two books from our Amazon account and then immediately cancelled about infidelity and affairs. But our account goes to my email, so I got the initial order then the immediate cancellation. It was at that moment I knew she cheated on me more than emotionally. I slept at my office (not too unusual but I usually do it during tax season or end-of-year accounting) when I pull all-nighters. She asked me around midnight if I was coming home and I told her I’d sleep at office. I typed into text ‘I know you cheated on me’ but didn’t hit send. I had been drinking and wanted to send it when I was sober just to get my thoughts straight.

 

I get our 4 kids off to school every day. My special needs son gets on the bus at almost exactly 6:55am and then I have to drive another son to his school about 15 minutes later. I know this was passive aggressive (I’m awful at that) but I sent her the text at 6:51am. Knowing she’d have just a minute or two to process it before she had to act nice to the bus driver and then drive our other son to school (which takes about 30 mins round-trip). She had the day off because she was starting her new job the next day.

She texted back, probably after my son was on bus, but before she got in the car for my other son: “I think this is something we should talk about in person”. As soon as I sent it, I headed home (about 10 minutes away) and took a shower so I could feel at least clean and waited for her to walk through the door.

 

She confessed. I cried. She was stone. She told me the story of how I’ve been so terrible and cold for years and thought I didn’t even like her much less loved her. Another man came into her life who showed her attention…

I ended up apologizing and telling her I’ll be a better husband. It was a pretty sad conversation on my part. She told me that she never met him alone outside of work and the affair entirely consisted of office blow-jobs from which he never came. She ended it shortly after it started, so it had been over for a couple months by the time I realized what had happened. She never had intercourse with him and that was the main reason for looking for a new job.

 

The intercourse thing seemed believable to me. We both have very limited sexual histories. I had one partner other than my wife, a girlfriend for 3 years in college that I had constant sex with and I’m the only person she’s ever slept with. I actually asked her if she even liked sex. I couldn’t believe she was so smitten with this guy and they didn’t have sex.

Also, their messaging moved to WhatsApp. That’s why it was all business from her texts.

 

To wrap it up (there’s a lot more from the last 10 weeks) I signed us up for counselling. I also go to a personal therapist. She refuses to go to a personal therapist, but she reluctantly goes to our marital counselling. When I say reluctantly, she’s cancelled about every other week for reasons such as “I have a hair appointment I’ve already postponed several times” to “I want to work out tonight”. She’s gained all the weight back she lost last winter. She still looks great, though, so I don’t care.

 

When it first came to light, I couldn’t eat for a week. I lost 15 lbs and started working out for the first time in years. I’m now eating healthy (er), running, pushups. She signed us up for a Bootcamp which I’ve made twice as many sessions as she’s made.

 

My concerns are thus: She’s lied in every marital counselling session. I can’t call her out on it in the session because I don’t have the proof with me but call her out on it afterwards and then she’s admitted it the next session. The therapist LOVES her. She’s well-spoken and as I’ve said numerous times smart-as-hell. Even when she’s admitted to lying in the prior session the therapist will say things like “oh, I didn’t think you said that” or “I didn’t get that from what you said”. Quite frustrating.

 

But here is where I am now and could use advice on: She’s trying to get the PSYCHIATRIST A JOB IN HER NEW SYSTEM. She claims ‘it’s not at my hospital and he has green card problems anyway and they REALLY need a great psychiatrist like him’. This is the one point our therapist stands with me on. She says, ‘you should have no contact with this man ever again if you want your marriage to last’. This was in our last session two weeks ago. I have not asked her about contact with him since because I wouldn’t believe her if she said ‘no’.

 

There are other things as well that you should know: I went from evangelical Christian to doubting belief to full atheist over the last 10 years. She’s an evangelical Christian and crazy-active in her church. The psychiatrist is an atheist but is ‘working on himself’, telling her (for a week or so I had access to their Whatsapp convos before she changed her passcode) he’s even started praying.

 

She’s also admitted to falling in love with him and that being with him wasn’t, inevitably, up to her. Which means she wanted to leave me to marry him, but he couldn’t promise her that so that’s how they ended. That is the reason she’s still in this marriage.

 

Thanks for reading this. If people want updates on what happens I’ll try to do that.

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She’s also admitted to falling in love with him and that being with him wasn’t, inevitably, up to her. Which means she wanted to leave me to marry him, but he couldn’t promise her that so that’s how they ended. That is the reason she’s still in this marriage.

 

Thanks for reading this. If people want updates on what happens I’ll try to do that.

 

Welcome to LS. I'm so sorry with what you are going through. I know the pain is immeasurable. Unfortunately, from reading your story it seems your wife is still in love with the psych and would be with him if he wants her. That is why she is trying to get him a job at her hospital so she can be close to him. I'm sorry but counseling is a waste of money at this point as you can see she is not into it. She's lying and still in contact with OM.

 

You should not have let her blame you for her affair. You were being neglected by her as well but you didn't cheat. I'm sorry to say this but to wake your wife up you are going to have to file for divorce. You don't have to go through with it right away; but it will let her know you are damn serious about her ending this affair. Also it will show her you have the strength to give her up if that is what it takes. That is far more attractive to a woman than a man standing by watching her chase another man. Ask yourself if you want to be the 2nd pick if she can't get this psych.

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Having great occupations, religion, nice house with a pool, pro football tickets, great vacations, and dinners doesn’t outweigh a spouse perceived as cold and unloving. What is the shame in your marriage was she didn’t feel comfortable telling you all those years how she felt you were were behaving.

 

The arguing was the first clue, not the affair.

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Resist church, social and lifestyle prison.

 

Clarify. Simplify your book into one paragraph. That's how one focuses. What do you want?

 

Easiest way to clarify is have her served at work and seek 100% custody of the kids. You'll get reality then.

 

You'll never do this. Why? Because resisting #1 up there ^^ is next to impossible for most people deep in it.

 

When she does it, you'll be surprised. Watch. Welcome to LS.....

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I won't paste the link but Google surviving infidelity and post there.

You'll get good advice from people who've been through it.

 

Btw, cheaters lie and I doubt you have the truth.

They probably had full on sex and he did come.

 

Also, it's not your fault.

You are both responsible for 50% of the issues in the marriage.

She is 100% responsible for cheating.

 

She hasn't faced any consequences for her actions, so she isn't likely to stop.

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Resist church, social and lifestyle prison.

 

Clarify. Simplify your book into one paragraph. That's how one focuses. What do you want?

 

Easiest way to clarify is have her served at work and seek 100% custody of the kids. You'll get reality then.

 

You'll never do this. Why? Because resisting #1 up there ^^ is next to impossible for most people deep in it.

 

When she does it, you'll be surprised. Watch. Welcome to LS.....

 

What is church, social, and life style prison? What you perceive as hell is someone else’s heaven.

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“Unfortunately, from reading your story it seems your wife is still in love with the psych and would be with him if he wants her. That is why she is trying to get him a job at her hospital so she can be close to him. I'm sorry but counseling is a waste of money at this point as you can see she is not into it. She's lying and still in contact with OM

 

 

Not sure i formatted this correctly, never do this stuff.

 

i’ve, of course, brought up divorce. But brought it up in the way “i think we should perhaps look at what a divorce would look like”. It led to a huge breakdown from her. I do everything in our household. I cook, clean, get kids ready and pay EVERY bill. Even her car and she makes tremendous money. I don’t want a divorce. I absolutely love my wife. I brought it up for her to see how much I do. But if it comes to that...

 

I asked her in our last counseling session two successive questions: ‘did you love him?’ And ‘do you still love him’. I wish i just asked the first and waited. She hesitated with her answer and said “no”. But she’s lied before. I just can’t tell if she lied in that moment.

 

I appreciate the advice but I have to do everything I can to make sure this marriage is salvageable. I won’t set hard deadlines but I think a year is worth it to save 22 years of marriage.

 

We’ve been doing so much better. We get along and enjoy each others company. The sex is still an issue though for me. It’s once a week but still pretty routine.

 

Again, she cut off the affair months before I realized it. I give her some credit for that. And best I can tell the physical part was over just a few weeks. But the emotional part is hardest.

 

Thanks again. I’ll consider it.

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I won't paste the link but Google surviving infidelity and post there.

You'll get good advice from people who've been through it.

 

Btw, cheaters lie and I doubt you have the truth.

They probably had full on sex and he did come

 

She hasn't faced any consequences for her actions, so she isn't likely to stop.

 

I’m 99% certain there was no full-on sex. When she first admitted it I was able to look at her phone and Whattsapp convos (i recorded them with my phone). During the time of affair it was all him saying things like ‘i own your mouth but you won’t do more’. And I know she contemplated anal sex because her search history was full of q’s about it.

 

But it switched to platonic stuff right around the time she originally told me she ended it.

 

All of the stuff I surreptitiously found confirmed her story.

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If she's contemplated anal and already given him head it probable that they've already had intercourse.

 

If he were married or partnered you could tell them and that would deflate the affair; but I can't remember if the psych has anyone at home.

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If she's so active in the church how does she justify committing adultery?

 

You should blow her affair wide open, speak to her pastor, make her face some consequences.

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I wouldn't let your fear of ending your marriage get in the way of what really went on her. Had the guy said he would be with her she wouldn't be with you now. You need to really take that in for what it is. The fact she sees there is no one else in line now but you she is of course trying to save that. It doesn't sound like she is really into this marriage for you. It sucks it really does but it is what it is.

 

I would take some time out and really look at your life. If you did divorce as much as you love her you would be fine and you would heal. There are other women out there that will love you and only you. Realize not everyone cheats.

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What is church, social, and life style prison? What you perceive as hell is someone else’s heaven.

When inurment to the rules of others prevents someone from acting in their own self-interest. It's otherwise known as peer pressure and desire for social acceptance. It's programmed into people from a young age. Hell is your word, not mine. I called it prison. That's exactly what it is, self-imposed prison.

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If he were married or partnered you could tell them and that would deflate the affair; but I can't remember if the psych has anyone at home.

 

See my other post of why I’m certain about no intercourse.

 

And re: his wife. He actually recently asked my wife what was a good bar to go to for women to pick up men. Turn out it was for his wife and her friend. Pretty sure she knows what’s going on.

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If she's so active in the church how does she justify committing adultery?

 

You should blow her affair wide open, speak to her pastor, make her face some consequences.

 

I’ve told my wife that in my darkest moments I’ve considered doing exactly that. Her church is everything to her. But I’m still hopeful. And even if this ends in divorce i’m not sure I could destroy her life like that.

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It's not only about consequences. It's obvious MC is doing nothing, it's probably too early, your wife is still too invested in her AP to be in invested in your marriage.

 

IC would help, her church may offer counseling services. Please be aware you can't 'nice' her back, she should be the one doing the work.

 

You should definitely be telling his wife, think about telling HR st her old job too if he's still there, pretty sure there be regulations against what they've been doing st work.

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The MC's aim is to save the marriage and that can be a bit hard on the BS.

It can explain why the counsellor is trying to smooth the waters by minimising your complaints and taking your wife's side over your allegations of her lying.

Many BSs in MC can feel they are not being heard and the cheater is somehow being absolved of blame, for the "greater good" of the marriage.

 

What does your own personal therapist say about the situation?

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Dude,

 

Please just read a bunch of other stories on here by guys like you so that you can see what path you are about to take. That way, maybe, when you realize that you are on that path, you will stop and get off. Right now, it is too early for you. What you are thinking and doing right now is normal. Nto really effective, but normal.

 

First, you are gonna blame others and maybe even him. You will say that she was vulnerable and taken advantage of. You might say that you were not the best husband in some way that caused her to stray, maybe emotionally unavailable. We got caught up and lost each other, etc. Maybe not, but this is a part of the path.

 

Next, you will tell us how she has finally come clean because "you know her" or something along those lines. You will be wrong. Early on you will tell us that you confirmed everything and know it all. You will be wrong. She will tell you that they JUST did xyz... She will be lying and you will believer her.

It may happen a lot and you will believe her EACH TIME she adds more to the story. She will be lying and you will believe her, and it is normal and you will be wrong.

 

Throughout all of this, you will be doing the "pick me" dance. You will tell her why she should pick you. You may even compare yourself to him or tell her how bad he is, but it is just the pick me dance. It is a sad dance to watch, but so many need to do it.

 

You will get angry with posters who call her out and you will defend her against the crowd who "don't know [your] wife like you do". You will argue that strong steps are not needed because she can't take it, she is different, it is your marriage and you know best, and any number of reasons not to do what needs to be done. You will be wrong. Its okay.

 

You will ultimately decide on whether to rug sweep or take the needed action to reclaim YOURSELF. Note I did not say "your marriage" I said YOU. Right now, you love her and you will do anything to keep her, even if she is aggressively trying to get you out of her life or pursuing her AP or pining over him, stringing you along,, making up her mind, sorting things out, etc...cue the pick me dance. Its okay. It happens.

 

Eventually, you will accept reality or you will lie to yourself to believe whatever helps you get through the night until it stops working. It is okay, it happens.

 

It is going to be a wild ride, but as soon as you realize where you are on it, the sooner you can get off and make good decisions and not desperate or emotional ones. Good luck to you. I said the foregoing because I think that it is helpful to have someone tell you what you are going to do before you do it.

 

See, if we tell you what is coming, then when it happens you won't be able to argue that we are making it up and that your case is somehow different. It is not.

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The MC's aim is to save the marriage and that can be a bit hard on the BS.

It can explain why the counsellor is trying to smooth the waters by minimising your complaints and taking your wife's side over your allegations of her lying.

Many BSs in MC can feel they are not being heard and the cheater is somehow being absolved of blame, for the "greater good" of the marriage.

 

What does your own personal therapist say about the situation?

 

I think you are right on this, re MC. She and I hit it off right away because we are both secular humanists while my wife is evangelical. I think she was over-correcting.

 

But I think it’s bull**** when she minimizes what went on. She flippantly calls it ‘just a trist’. That hurts. But she’s 100% on my side re:no contact with Psychiatrist. So I’ll continue to go.

 

I actually don’t talk about it much with my personal therapist. It’s pretty new so she is trying to see what else there is to unpack. I just got back from therapy and my wife’s name came up 3 times. All positive. I’m fine with that for now. Bit she was the one who encouraged me to mention to MC that my wife was still in contact with AP and I actually resisted but ultimately listened to her advice.

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Dude,

 

Please just read a bunch of other stories on here by guys like you so that you can see what path you are about to take. That way, maybe, when you realize that you are on that path, you will stop and get off. Right now, it is too early for you. What you are thinking and doing right now is normal. Nto really effective, but normal.<snip>

 

I guess i’ll just quote your whole thing becuse it makes sense. My main response is ‘maybe’ you’re right. But 22 ****ing years of marriage. And I do love her and I know she loves me. So you can at least acknowledge it deserves an effort to save.

 

I’m already past blaming myself. I 99% believe they haven’t had anything physical since July (and the entire thing was 2 or 3 weeks)and the evidence i’ve seen corroborates that. It’s the emotional part I struggle with now. That the reason she’s with me is because she made a promise to Jesus to be with me 22 years ago.

 

We’ll see. I hope you’re wrong.

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“Unfortunately, from reading your story it seems your wife is still in love with the psych and would be with him if he wants her. That is why she is trying to get him a job at her hospital so she can be close to him. I'm sorry but counseling is a waste of money at this point as you can see she is not into it. She's lying and still in contact with OM

 

 

Not sure i formatted this correctly, never do this stuff.

 

i’ve, of course, brought up divorce. But brought it up in the way “i think we should perhaps look at what a divorce would look like”. It led to a huge breakdown from her. I do everything in our household. I cook, clean, get kids ready and pay EVERY bill. Even her car and she makes tremendous money. I don’t want a divorce. I absolutely love my wife. I brought it up for her to see how much I do. But if it comes to that...

 

I asked her in our last counseling session two successive questions: ‘did you love him?’ And ‘do you still love him’. I wish i just asked the first and waited. She hesitated with her answer and said “no”. But she’s lied before. I just can’t tell if she lied in that moment.

 

I appreciate the advice but I have to do everything I can to make sure this marriage is salvageable. I won’t set hard deadlines but I think a year is worth it to save 22 years of marriage.

 

We’ve been doing so much better. We get along and enjoy each others company. The sex is still an issue though for me. It’s once a week but still pretty routine.

 

Again, she cut off the affair months before I realized it. I give her some credit for that. And best I can tell the physical part was over just a few weeks. But the emotional part is hardest.

 

Thanks again. I’ll consider it.

 

Thats a huge problem. If you do too much in a relationship you can get taken advantage of and Lose respect.

 

You have to do everything to try and make this marriage work? What's she doing while you are doing the infamous "pick me" dance?

 

This works the exact opposite of what you think. You cause they move farther away.

 

Your sex life sucks because she wants him. Sorry man but you'd better wake up and change your strategy quick. You're the prize here not her.

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Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark. Right now you are helping hide their affair out of fear it might push her away or make her mad. All that does is take away your self respect and lower your status in her eyes which make her other man look even better.

 

I'm not a fan of full blown exposure but I would inform his wife and have a consult with your pastor. Without warning. Maybe it'll wake her up. Right now she's cake eating and sitting on the fence.

 

She put you where you are but you are the only one keeping yourself there.

 

Wake up and quit letting your fear rule you. It's an unnattractive trait that will do you no good in this situation. It actually works against you.

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The MC's aim is to save the marriage and that can be a bit hard on the BS.

It can explain why the counsellor is trying to smooth the waters by minimising your complaints and taking your wife's side over your allegations of her lying.

Many BSs in MC can feel they are not being heard and the cheater is somehow being absolved of blame, for the "greater good" of the marriage.

 

What does your own personal therapist say about the situation?

 

Jumping into MC upfront is a huge gamble. Those people aren't hide and most of them rugsweep. Save the marriage at the BS's expense.

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I guess i’ll just quote your whole thing becuse it makes sense. My main response is ‘maybe’ you’re right. But 22 ****ing years of marriage. And I do love her and I know she loves me. So you can at least acknowledge it deserves an effort to save.

 

I’m already past blaming myself. I 99% believe they haven’t had anything physical since July (and the entire thing was 2 or 3 weeks)and the evidence i’ve seen corroborates that. It’s the emotional part I struggle with now. That the reason she’s with me is because she made a promise to Jesus to be with me 22 years ago.

 

We’ll see. I hope you’re wrong.

 

What about her vows not to have sexual affairs with other men?

 

She threw away your 22year marriage. You just don't realize it yet.

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And even if this ends in divorce i’m not sure I could destroy her life like that.

 

ChessKnight, you didn't destroy her life, she did.

 

As bigman1 said, every sign, flasher, warning light and siren is going off right now - you just don't want to see it. If infidelity isn't an option you'd consider, it's hard to wrap your mind around how a loved one could go there. But go there she has.

 

Three simple steps for you, none of which will end your marriage -

 

1). Insist on total transparency - phone, email, social media.

2). Talk to her pastor. She needs a wake-up call.

3). See a lawyer, let her know you've done so.

 

If she really wants to work on your marriage, none of the above will be an obstacle. If she objects, you have your answer. On some level, I'd guess you already know how this is going to go :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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