I found a woman's name in H's wallet....should I ask him about it?

[StillHurtin]

When I went to bed last night H had his wallet laying on the bed. He never leaves it there. He must of changed from his work clothes. He changes wallets a lot so I thought maybe he just left it laying there. So I looked inside to see if it was empty so I could put it w/ his other empty wallets. The first thing I noticed was a white piece of paper. I know I shouldn't of looked, but w/ the trust issue b/c of his past A I looked. On the paper it had a womans name and the store number of which store she works at. It wasn't a phone number, but the number of the store. He did have to go to training in a couple of cities and I know he met the dept managers there. H is a dept manager and needed to go to these other stores to get trained as our supercenter was not finished. I don't know if this woman is a dept manager or not, she probably is. Why does he still feel the need to keep her name in his wallet? I know it's not b/c he hasn't cleaned his wallet and thrown it out. H always cleans out his wallet of things he doesn't need/want. It was in March or April he went there, ya think he would of thrown it out by now.

 

He had to visit two supercenters to see how they did things. One dept was ran by this woman, the other store had a man, what H said. So, why does he have this woman's name in his wallet but not the man's? I don't see why having her name and the store # is important. They work in two different stores that really don't have anything to do w/ eachother.

 

I know I should trust H but it's hard when he has broken that trust I had for 11 years. Should I ask him about the woman's name in his wallet or let it go? I don't want to start an arguement but if there is something going on I want to know. I am not going to be played a fool again.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

On the paper it had a womans name and the store number of which store she works at. It wasn't a phone number, but the number of the store.

 

 

No, but you need to keep your eyes open.

 

since it is work related even if it was bad he would be able to cover it up with the work excuse.

 

Also as a manager he might have been speaking to another employee about an issue and her name came up so he put it on a piece of paper so he had the info later on at work ..

 

It sounds like trust is still an issue in your marriage.. Is that true ? Has he done anything to regain your trust fom the first A ?

[tiki]

First off....if he's cheated on you (IMO), you have every right to be weary. Look through all of his stuff if you have to. It's the least you can get in return for staying with him through all of his previous escapades. If I had cheated on my H and he took me back based on the fact I'd never do it again, you can bet your sweet ass I wouldn't care if he had to look through everything I owned...whatever makes him feel at ease.

 

He doesn't deserve privacy, he's damaged trust. So IMO, you haven't invaded his privacy. He's a cheater and deserves no real privacy, until MAYBE years later. You're the victim here...don't forget.

 

Now, with that said, confront him - with an open mind. Tell him exactly what you told us. Then patiently wait for a response before jumping to conclusions.

 

Good luck. I hope he can assure you that it's nothing.

[soccorsilly]

WOW TIKI--thats rough.

 

Was the wallet empty otherwise? Had he switched? This could (and I am betting that it is) be very innocent in that he needed to remind himself about asking her something and just wrote the name and store number so he could get a number out of a company directory. Maybe she was out of business cards and this slip was put in his wallet and not his briefcase.

 

If the wallet was otherwise empty, I might be inclined to say "oh I found this in your empty wallet when I put it away, but didn't know if you still needed it"

 

Or if it was full, you can say the same thing only "when you wallet was on the bed this fell out and I wanted to see if you still needed it instead of tossing it away"

 

Dont be confrontational and just look at him--his reaciton will tell all. By they way...people who are lying tend to divert their eyes to the right when they are lying.

[tiki]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

WOW TIKI--thats rough.

 

Yeah, if my H cheated on me and he was lucky enough to get taken back....yeah, he'd have it rough. He's an offender. He should consider himself lucky that I took him back instead of castrating him.

 

Originally posted by soccorsilly

This could (and I am betting that it is) be very innocent

 

I think so too. Hope so anyway.

 

Originally posted by soccorsilly

By they way...people who are lying tend to divert their eyes to the right when they are lying.

 

Yep, to the bottom right.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

No, but you need to keep your eyes open.

 

since it is work related even if it was bad he would be able to cover it up with the work excuse.

 

Also as a manager he might have been speaking to another employee about an issue and her name came up so he put it on a piece of paper so he had the info later on at work ..

 

It sounds like trust is still an issue in your marriage.. Is that true ? Has he done anything to regain your trust fom the first A ?

 

Fly, yes, there is still a trust issue there, even after 2 years of the break up of the A. There is also a lot of jealousy when he talks to other women he knows or works w/. She doesn't even have to be an attractive woman and I still get jealous. WTH is that? I hate feeling this way and I want it to stop. As for the trust. It's kind of hard to regain that trust back when at times he says " Maybe I need to find someone who is more open-minded about things." (long story about that). I blew up! I couldn't keep calm, but I walked away like my counselor suggested. I emailed him a long email and told him it hurt me when he said that, and if he really wants to find someone else then to plz let me know so I can go on w/ my life and find someone who will treat me w/ love, respect, and not tell me he should find someone else. I told him if he wants out I want to know so I can start my life over w/o him.

 

It was extremely hard and I was scared to death the first time when he filed for a D and had the A but now I know what to expect so I am not as scared anymore. I love him, I do, but if he is going to screw around on me again, or even have an EA I am done w/ this M.

 

Tiki, thanks for the advice. I am going to give it a little time. I am going to ask H for a $1.00 and when he says there is one in his wallet I will mention seeing the name and see what his reaction is.

[tiki]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

Tiki, thanks for the advice. I am going to give it a little time. I am going to ask H for a $1.00 and when he says there is one in his wallet I will mention seeing the name and see what his reaction is.

 

Make sure there's one in there for sure before asking. Then there's no way to get out of it!! I can't imagine that if he were up to something, that he'd leave it out on the bed where there's easy access. Surely he's smarter than that! But if there's nothing to hide, nothing will/should be hidden...and therefore...it may be why he left it out. It was nothing.

 

But you judge for yourself. It's your H, not ours.

[StillHurtin]

Thanks soccersilly, yes his wallet was full. I think he came home right away to change into his golf clothes and forgot he laid it on the bed. I also wouldn't think he would be stupid to leave her name in there if there was something going on between them. I haven't seen any phone calls on his cell to that area so I know he isn't calling her or her calling him.

 

I will give it some time, but will keep my eyes open.

[wanting to heal]

The cheater needs to understand that they have thrown away their privacy. The most private part of them was shared with someone else, so they have no right to privacy anymore.

 

Ask him about it, and tell him that you feel the right to confirm his actions anytime.

[NiCoLe20]

imo- once a cheater, always a cheater...

 

you mentioned that you get jealous when other girls are around your H and you want to stop that feeling. Your H made you feel this way. Honestly, can you ever love him the same after he hurt and betrayed you? you shouldnt live your life wondering if he's talking to other women, getting numbers, and doing things behind your back. A marriage should be built on trust. You dont have that with him so the marriage is going to fail. He broke his vow, and committed adultery, why would you remain married to this guy?!!! thats just like saying your ok with it as long as it doesnt happen again. Your H probably thinks this way, "well, i did it once and she didn't leave me, so what would hurt if i did it again?!" .. i mean, dont you deserve someone that WOULDNT even THINK about doing this to you? i think you deserve a better MAN.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by wanting to heal

The cheater needs to understand that they have thrown away their privacy. The most private part of them was shared with someone else, so they have no right to privacy anymore.

 

Ask him about it, and tell him that you feel the right to confirm his actions anytime.

 

Privacy is a right of each individual, not something you gain or lose within a marriage.

[soccorsilly]

LEt me put a different spin on this because I REALLY dont agree with Tiki and Wanting to Heal on this.

 

For whatever reason, this guy cheated. He was busted, and you were loving enough to be able to take him back. At this time you shold be concentrating on forgiving (and if possible forgetting) and not looking for the next f-up.

 

I am sure he realizes his mistake and is sorry for it. If he weren't would he still be hanging around?

 

I have never cheated and I do not have a lot of tolerance for cheating but if I put myself in his shoes and made a mistake (albeit a major one), I would be pretty pissed to hear someone spout off that I have lost all right to privacy.

 

To tell you the truth, it signals to me that this is an issue that may never be resolved, and that I probably do not want to continue the rest of my life with my wife holding this over my head. I would wonder if coming back was not a larger mistake than the cheating in the first place.

 

I am not saying it is right, jsut saying that if you agreed to take him back, it should not be with all these conditions and such hanging over his head.

 

OK flame away at me girls, I have my Nomex suit on!

[soccorsilly]

It was extremely hard and I was scared to death the first time when he filed for a D and had the A but now I know what to expect so I am not as scared anymore. I love him, I do, but if he is going to screw around on me again, or even have an EA I am done w/ this M.

 

Can you clarify this point for me.....I read this and I see that he filed for divorce and had an affair. Were yuo separated? When did this affair happen? While you were together or while you were separated?

 

And then you say "or even have an EA (Extramarital Affair). This leads me to think that the first affair was not extra marital and happened (maybe not in the legal sense but...) outside the marraige while separated.

 

If this is the case, and the filing for divorce had to do with something other than cheating, you are way off base

[RecordProducer]

You feel the urge to know so you need to know.

I disagree that you should simply trust your husband and never ask anything and never look at his personal things. Nobody (!), not even our children, deserves unconditional trust. Many spouses cheat and kids do drugs, although their partners and parents trusted them.

 

And before everyone jumps on me that you shouldn't be suspicious out of the blue or that distrust wouldn't change anything, what I am saying is both trust and distrust should be earned. If your husband doesn't seem interested in other women, if he comes home on time, if he's always where he's supposed to be when you call him, etc. then he earns your trust. You can't just trust people by default no matter how close they might be to you.

 

Secondly, your husband cheated on you once and the trust will never be fully re-gained. So don't accuse yourself for sneaking around. Ask questions and if he is uncomfortable with that, remind him that you're even more uncomfortable for not being able to fully trust him again. He betrayed your trust once so at least you deserve to be given answers when you become suspicious. It's not because you're paranoid, but because he cheated.

 

I am pretty sure the number means nothing, but you have a right to know who she is and track his behavior in order to be sure he doesn't do it again.

I feel sorry for all women who were cheated on and I personally couldn't stay with a husband who cheated, but it's not my intention to influence you in that way nor could I.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

Can you clarify this point for me.....I read this and I see that he filed for divorce and had an affair. Were yuo separated? When did this affair happen? While you were together or while you were separated?

 

And then you say "or even have an EA (Extramarital Affair). This leads me to think that the first affair was not extra marital and happened (maybe not in the legal sense but...) outside the marraige while separated.

 

If this is the case, and the filing for divorce had to do with something other than cheating, you are way off base

 

Soccersilly, my H filed for a D in April of 2003. He stated we were both unhappy, we fought a lot and he wanted to let me go so I could find someone who would make me happy. But b4 he even filed he was having an EA w/ the OW that I didn't realize. He told me after we got back 2gether that the OW asked was the one that told him she was attracted to him first, and then kissed him. I knew the OW was attracted to H just by the way she acted towards him and the things she said. After he told me he wanted a D I told him to move out of our home, he did. But three days later he said he moved too fast and was having second thoughts about the D. Even the OW knew he was having second thoughts but continued to see him and I didn't know about the A yet.

 

The next week I heard the rumors of the A from numerous ppl, and even the OW's H they were having an A and he showed me proof (pictures, letters, and poems).

 

I hired my own lawyer. H was still coming over to the house, still saying he may have made a mistake. He didn't know what he wanted. Him and the OW continued to see eachother.

 

I moved back to my hometown w/ our children and a month later he called me and said he wanted the M back and he was going to break it off w/ the OW. I told him I didn't know if I wanted the M to work after he had an A. He kept playing games w/ me, saying he was having second thoughts. I decided I wasn't going to wait around, so I moved away to get support from friends. I told him I needed some time. I told him if he wants the M to work he needed to go to IC. We were separated for about 6 months b4 we got back together.

 

What I meant by EA was emotional A. Him and the OW had an EA b4 it turned into a PA. We were separated during the time of the A, but he kept telling me he thought he moved too fast w/ the D so I thought he wanted to work on the M. Well, he did, but he wanted to screw around w/ the OW on top of it so I moved away.

[StillHurtin]

H had a softball game last night and I wanted a pop but didn't have any cash, which I honestly didn't. I asked him if he had a $1 for a pop. He said his wallet was in his truck and handed me his keys. So I go get a $1 and the paper w/ that woman's name is still in there.

 

 

When we got home after his game I asked who SL was he told me she was a gal that trained him the first time at another store. He said he kept her name in case he had any problems but said he could probably throw it away now.

 

So, I overreacted for no reason.

[kkat]

That's really great news. I am really glad to hear this.

 

I am just curious - do you and your H work for the same company?

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by kkat

That's really great news. I am really glad to hear this.

 

I am just curious - do you and your H work for the same company?

 

kkat, no H and I don't work for the same company. I would never work for the company he does even though he told me I could make more money than him b/c I have more experience in the retail (he has none). I love my job and would never change. I hate the retail business.