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disgusted with myself for kissing another man


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I made the biggest mistake of my life the other night and have been spiraling in the internet looking for similar stories, advice, or whatever. I found this forum and thought it might be a good outlet and place to find views from both sides of a situation. This will be long...

 

Background and what happened. I've been happily married for over 13 years, together for over 15. We have two children. The other night we went to a party of some friends. The wife of this couple has become one of my closest friends in the two years we've known them. Our daughters are good friends. We see each other all the time. Hang out as families together and everything. I had way too much to drink at said party. Enough that I don't remember my husband taking an uber home and me asking if I could stay and him saying he didn't care. Zero recollection of this encounter. The rest of the night is blurry to non-existent. I couldn't tell you if we played games or what or even if I drank more. Last memory of the night is me and my friend's husband sitting on the couch in their living room in the dark and kissing. My friend turned on the light and said WTF is going on here?! I don't know how we got in that situation or what lead to it. I really only remember kissing him and her turning on the light. She left the room, he sat there and didn't move, I told him to go to his wife. The next morning she went for a run, I walked home. I told my husband about the incident that afternoon.

 

His initial reaction was one of disbelief and confusion. I cried and told him I was so sorry (something I've been repeating since). He's been speaking to me but not really about the incident. I tried several times but decided he'd talk to me when he was ready. I've been repeating to him that I am so ashamed of myself, sick to my stomach, and am incredibly sorry that I've hurt him. I've asked if I can hug him or hold his hand but he has declined and I am respecting that. Early this morning I think he was crying in bed (I haven't slept much recently so I'm awake a lot and really in-tune to him) and I asked if I could hold him... no. I told him that I am so sorry I've hurt him and that I love him so much. He went into the bathroom to get ready for work. When he came back out I picked up with the conversation and told him that it was an unbelievably stupid drunken mistake and I regret it with every fiber of my being and that the last thing I would ever want to do is jeopardize our marriage or our family. He told me he knows that and he should have made me come home with him. He said it would have been better somehow had it been a complete stranger. He said there has to be some sort of attraction between myself and my friend's husband. I said I have never had any sort of thought of him in that way and I wish I knew why it happened or how. I think I said a few more times I'm so sorry. He said he knows it will never happen again and he still loves me but it's going to take time.

I'm hopeful that this is a good sign. I've read the letter to the wayward spouse and am taking all of that to heart. I know he is grieving right now and it's killing me that I've hurt him so. I keep telling him I love him and how ashamed of myself I am for my actions and hurting him (almost to the point I think I'm making him angry with it... should I stop saying it so much?).

 

On to my friend, I'm pretty certain I've ruined this friendship that would have been lifelong and am heartbroken about it. I called her to apologize after I spoke with my husband. Of course, she didn't answer. She did let me call her the night before last (2 nights after the incident... today marks 4 days since that night) to speak. I told her I was deeply sorry, ashamed of myself, and wished I could erase it. She is such a big person. She said we're going to have to be around each other and that she'll just have to suck it up. She doesn't want to ruin our daughters' friendship because of our stupidity and we'll have to figure it out. That doesn't mean she's okay with me and I completely understand and am humbled by her. She says she's going to try and forgive but doesn't know if or when that will be possible. I must live with that shame along with the burden it has placed on our families. I'm not sure how to approach things with her moving forward. Do I keep apologizing and telling her how ashamed of myself I am like the wayward spouse letter proposes? My thoughts are I give her and her husband space to work through things because their marriage success is more important than our friendship, as much as it hurts.

 

As for my friend's husband, he's my friend too. He called me the second morning after and we both apologized to each other for our actions. He texted a few times after that to check in to see how my H and I were doing and let me know he was advocating for his wife to give me a chance to be friends again. I told him things were rough. I also told him we didn't need to have any contact anymore so we could focus on repairing the damage we'd done.

 

I am so disgusted with myself for putting myself in this position. I'm not using alcohol as an excuse but I know for a fact that had I been in control of my senses this never would have happened. I told my husband I was done with drinking. He responded with it's not the drinking it's the drinking too much that got me into trouble. Either way, drinking has lost its appeal. I have NEVER done anything like this ever before. I've also never really posted personal things on a forum such as this and don't know what to expect as far as responses go. I'm hoping people aren't mean. I really just want advice or to hear about similar stories from either side of the road... hopefully about successfully continued marriages.

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I would highly advise you not to have one on one communication with your friends husband. You’ve done enough damage without causing more.

 

I suspect there will be an elephant in the room permanently now.

 

On the good side it’s fortunate the other wife caught it before it went even further. Or you’d have destroyed/blown up 2 families.

 

You are correct alcohol is zero excuse.

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That's one way of handling it. I'd leave the daughters to their friendship and move on.

 

One thing I've noticed with MW's. They know how to turn a cheek. Men can do the same thing. Especially in their own home with their spouse feet away. Regardless of what you may or may not have done, he was right there, in his own home. That's on him.

 

Are you and he in love? Having an affair? Nope, not from my read, drunken kiss after a party. Not exactly infidelity to me. If your/his spouses are blown up about it, cool, their prerogative.

 

I would suggest, and I've made this suggestions to MW's who've crossed that line with me, drink less. Not to necessarily reduce drunken kisses but for overall general health. I've had friends die from the bottle. Hurt themselves. Do stupid and potentially dangerous things. A drunken kiss would pale. Do it for you and your family. Good luck!

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BreakOnThrough

Take it easy on yourself a bit, it was a bad mistake under cloudy circumstances, hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson, show full remorse for your actions, and eventually things will fall into place as they should.

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I called her to apologize after I spoke with my husband.

 

I told her I was deeply sorry, ashamed of myself, and wished I could erase it. She is such a big person.

 

I am so disgusted with myself for putting myself in this position.

 

You jumped to take 100% responsibility for the whole thing and everyone was happy to let you take it.

 

When did her husband call yours to apologize? Is he disgusted with himself?

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The next morning she went for a run, I walked home. I told my husband about the incident that afternoon.

 

Why on earth did you spend the night there?

 

I had way too much to drink at said party. Enough that I don't remember my husband taking an uber home and me asking if I could stay and him saying he didn't care. Zero recollection of this encounter. The rest of the night is blurry to non-existent. I couldn't tell you if we played games or what or even if I drank more.

 

Is this normal behavior for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

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You jumped to take 100% responsibility for the whole thing and everyone was happy to let you take it.

 

When did her husband call yours to apologize? Is he disgusted with himself?

 

Why is this of any concern to the OP as she tries to understand and mitigate the damage she's done to her marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

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You jumped to take 100% responsibility for the whole thing and everyone was happy to let you take it.

 

When did her husband call yours to apologize? Is he disgusted with himself?

 

I don't think everyone is taking it as I'm 100% responsible. However, I am taking 100% responsibility for my actions and that means I owe her an apology as well.

 

He did call to apologize. He is disgusted with himself, but we aren't discussing it any further as individuals bc I said no more contact

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You jumped to take 100% responsibility for the whole thing and everyone was happy to let you take it.

When did her husband call yours to apologize? Is he disgusted with himself?

Why is this of any concern to the OP as she tries to understand and mitigate the damage she's done to her marriage?

Mr. Lucky

He (OP's husband) said there has to be some sort of attraction between myself and my friend's husband.

 

In order to “understand and mitigate the damage” everyone has to be clear about what happened. She didn’t find the OW’s husband so attractive that she jumped him while he did nothing. Everyone, including the OP, is acting like that’s what happened.

 

I think being reminded of the facts would help her husband and decrease the damage. Even a slight decrease would help.

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Why on earth did you spend the night there?

 

Great question. I lacked the good sense at that point in time to not kiss someone else, let alone to think about calling a cab afterwards.

 

Is this normal behavior for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Do I drink? Yes. Do I get blackout drunk on a regular basis? No. But trust me, this experience has forever changed me and I will no longer take any part in binge drinking, if drinking at all.

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I'm not one who believes alcohol makes people do things that they didn't already want to do, at least in parts.

 

What I'm saying is, I believe on some levels there was already an attraction. I think its important to explore this and be completely honest with yourself about that.

 

I would also suggest you stop banging him over the head with I'm sorry. Give him time to digest the event and stop trying to rush him to forgive you or make you feel better. The hugging and holding is for your benefit, a way that you can get him to say oh it's ok.

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<snip>. She left the room, he sat there and didn't move, I told him to go to his wife. The next morning she went for a run, I walked home. I told my husband about the incident that afternoon.

 

His initial reaction was one of disbelief and confusion. I cried and told him I was so sorry (something I've been repeating since). He's been speaking to me but not really about the incident. <snip>

 

As someone that was cheated on, the above part that I put in bold is so very important. You did the right thing.

 

Is there going to be an Elephant in the room from now on? Yes. Will it eventually go away? If you keep taking the steps that you are, then yes.

 

You're doing everything correctly, and if I was in your husbands shoes, I would not be planning on an exit, but on a way to work through it.

 

It's gonna tear him apart for quite some time, and you need to understand that. Though you want to drill it in to him that you are sorry, he is probably not going to want to hear "I'm sorry" all the time. It might trigger him. Eventually he is going to ask "what would have happened if she had not turned on the light"? Be prepared for that and answer as truthfully as you can.

 

Just follow his lead, and continue to show him it was indeed a huge mistake.

 

I think you guys will be fine.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate full quote of starting post
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In order to “understand and mitigate the damage” everyone has to be clear about what happened. She didn’t find the OW’s husband so attractive that she jumped him while he did nothing. Everyone, including the OP, is acting like that’s what happened.

 

I'd caution the OP about even going down this road. "Well, he did it too" isn't going to bring her husband any comfort and has a strong odor of blame-shifting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Do I drink? Yes. Do I get blackout drunk on a regular basis? No. But trust me, this experience has forever changed me and I will no longer take any part in binge drinking, if drinking at all.

 

When we screwed up as kids, my dad often said "the greater the price, the more valuable the lesson". Hopefully this self-imposed marital crisis has helped you understand the importance of conduct and boundaries within the context of your marriage.

 

Being that drunk leaves you open to a whole host of unfortunate happenstances, as you've found out the hard way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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In order to “understand and mitigate the damage” everyone has to be clear about what happened. She didn’t find the OW’s husband so attractive that she jumped him while he did nothing. Everyone, including the OP, is acting like that’s what happened.

 

I think being reminded of the facts would help her husband and decrease the damage. Even a slight decrease would help.

 

Nah, the guy owe her husband no loyalty, he isnt responsible for her marriage. Her actions are her own independent of the guy she was cheating with.

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As someone that was cheated on, the above part that I put in bold is so very important. You did the right thing.

 

.

 

Is it okay to ask you what happened in your situation and if the outcome was positive for your marriage? If not, I apologize for the intrusive question.

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Is it okay to ask you what happened in your situation and if the outcome was positive for your marriage? If not, I apologize for the intrusive question.

 

Wife stayed late at a party while we were in our 30's. She was drunk and ended up kissing another man. She felt horrible and never touched a certain type of Whiskey again. She got tippsy plenty of times after that night (after a good year or so of not drinking at all) and she never even looked at another man. In fact, when we would get together with friends, I would have to tell her "babe, go mingle!". Kissing that other fella destroyed a piece of her confidence in herself and it took a while to get it back.

 

We stayed married another 15 years before divorcing (had nothing to do with what happened that night) 7 years ago.

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I appreciate your candor. Might be something underlying (attraction to her husband and vice versa?) that enabled your inhibitions being removed. It's somewhat serious in that clothes may have been tossed if you were elsewhere. Something underlying indeed, because you had a willing partner. On a side note, this is a Disney movie in comparison to some of the horror stories on here.

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I appreciate your candor. Might be something underlying (attraction to her husband and vice versa?) that enabled your inhibitions being removed. It's somewhat serious in that clothes may have been tossed if you were elsewhere. Something underlying indeed, because you had a willing partner. On a side note, this is a Disney movie in comparison to some of the horror stories on here.

 

This is true, but the truth is 99% of affairs have this exact moment. Difference being they dont get caught at that point.

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I'm curious if you would have said anything at all to your husband if you had not been caught by the other man's wife. What do you think you would have done if you had not been caught? A lot of spouses who cheat seem only to be sorry when they have been exposed.

 

I don't see any way that you can remain friends with the other family. Your daughter unfortunately is going to have to loose the friendship with the other families daughter because of what you did. You are going to learn that the consequences of what you have done go way beyond yourself.

 

I watched a scenario like this play out some 40 plus years ago in my neighborhood as a kid. At the end of it all two families were destroyed. We were a tight knit circle of five families who would get together once a week for dinner in the park, nights of playing cards and pool, and there was also the drinking (by the adults). It all came crashing down because of two adults doing something like you did. Have you ever seen two grown women fighting in the middle of the street, pulling hair, and calling each other names? I did when I was around eight years old. I saw what happened to my friends who's parents were involved and the devastation in their eyes.

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I'm curious if you would have said anything at all to your husband if you had not been caught by the other man's wife. What do you think you would have done if you had not been caught? A lot of spouses who cheat seem only to be sorry when they have been exposed.

 

I don't see any way that you can remain friends with the other family. Your daughter unfortunately is going to have to loose the friendship with the other families daughter because of what you did. You are going to learn that the consequences of what you have done go way beyond yourself.

 

I watched a scenario like this play out some 40 plus years ago in my neighborhood as a kid. At the end of it all two families were destroyed. We were a tight knit circle of five families who would get together once a week for dinner in the park, nights of playing cards and pool, and there was also the drinking (by the adults). It all came crashing down because of two adults doing something like you did. Have you ever seen two grown women fighting in the middle of the street, pulling hair, and calling each other names? I did when I was around eight years old. I saw what happened to my friends who's parents were involved and the devastation in their eyes.

 

I think its impossible to answer that honestly. I don't think she can honestly answer if she would have had sex or confessed.

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IME, such incidents are barely remembered, if at all, and not disclosed. The light coming on and the wife standing there burned an emotional memory and put an exclamation point of discovery to the situation. I've had MW's tell me they don't even specifically remember having sex when sufficiently inebriated. They think they did something but don't remember the details. They have no specific recollection. That's why I always suggest drinking less. It solves a lot of potential issues. Sounds like OP is on that track. Good for her.

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IME, such incidents are barely remembered, if at all, and not disclosed. The light coming on and the wife standing there burned an emotional memory and put an exclamation point of discovery to the situation. I've had MW's tell me they don't even specifically remember having sex when sufficiently inebriated. They think they did something but don't remember the details. They have no specific recollection. That's why I always suggest drinking less. It solves a lot of potential issues. Sounds like OP is on that track. Good for her.

 

I agree, I think this shook her awake. I'll bet she will not travel this road again.

 

However, I think there is more to the story. I dont believe it was an accident that she ended up fooling around with a guy that she has spent that much time with. I believe she drunkenly fulfilled a hidden desire, at least in parts.

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Sometimes the folks are just horny. There's no sinister plot. Faces smash together for pleasure.

 

Sad scenario? One person isn't blitzed and does remember. Other person, zonko and bupkus. BTDT, having never been blackout drunk. I remember everything, in great detail. Sometimes that's quite sad. Dollars to donuts H here knew exactly what he was doing. Can't read minds but strong suspicion. Doesn't excuse the OP's behavior but my vote is on the guy letting it happen with full knowledge and control. I've done that before, with MW's, but wasn't married. Let them. Could have stopped them but didn't. That's a choice too. A more serious one if married and presumably monogamous.

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Sometimes the folks are just horny. There's no sinister plot. Faces smash together for pleasure.

 

Sad scenario? One person isn't blitzed and does remember. Other person, zonko and bupkus. BTDT, having never been blackout drunk. I remember everything, in great detail. Sometimes that's quite sad. Dollars to donuts H here knew exactly what he was doing. Can't read minds but strong suspicion. Doesn't excuse the OP's behavior but my vote is on the guy letting it happen with full knowledge and control. I've done that before, with MW's, but wasn't married. Let them. Could have stopped them but didn't. That's a choice too. A more serious one if married and presumably monogamous.

 

Yeah, but the choice of men at a party is highly questionable. Claiming no to remember is no excuse. Why? Even when drunk, people dont act out of character, it's just magnified, turned up a few notches. She may not remember how she acted but those actions came from somewhere, my guess, a secret desire for the guy..

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