First Responder wife cheated

[neveragain18]

Hello All,

I just found this website this evening and have been reading other posts for a few hours now. I'm so glad there is a forum like this for people to seek guidance and share their experiences. My wife of 4 years cheated on me a year ago with 3 other men. She works as a Paramedic and the men she cheated on me with work in police, fire, and ems. I knew from the start that marrying a first responder was going to be tough. She never seemed the type to ever cheat, so I fully trusted her, but after 1 year of marriage, we went through a rough patch where we had very little intimacy and alot of resentment for each other. She tried to cope with our lack of intimacy with the above mentioned men who work in our county. She has rededicated herself to me and our marriage but I don't know how to ever trust her, especially when she is surrounded by Type A men in her line of work. Is there anybody out there that has experienced this with their first responder spouse? I love my wife and want to support her. Our marriage can be great sometimes, but the stress from her job and the fact that she cheated really makes it hard for us stay close emotionally and physically.

[oldlion]

I really don't understand how you can continue to "really love" someone who has cheated on you with 3 other men (that you know about) while you are basically still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. You have been in an open marriage and she just didn't tell you. I see by your profile that you and I are from the same state so I know there are lots of available women who would be true to you and not have an open marriage without telling you. If this is your life at 4 years of marriage then what is it going to be like at 10 years with a couple of children in the mix. Some advice from an older guy, don't have children with her for at least 5 more years. I do wish you well.

[Mr. Lucky]

She has rededicated herself to me and our marriage but I don't know how to ever trust her, especially when she is surrounded by Type A men in her line of work.

 

You don’t describe what you’ve done to recover from her infidelity.

 

She can’t “rededicate” herself to someone who doesn’t trust her, a well-earned status in her case. Sounds like you rugswept and are paying the price...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you feel like you should give her more of a pass than normal because she has a very stressful job as a First Responder and is surrounded by Type A guys and feel like it's almost understandable that she cheated.

 

3 guys in 4 years.

 

Her cheating is not about what she does for a living. It's about her willingness to disrespect you and your marriage.

Edited December 9, 2018 by Finding my way

[Marc878]

A lot of excuse making for a serial cheater. You should get out of denial

[neveragain18]

Oldlion, thank you for the advice. We actually both have agreed on the fact that we do not want children. Neither of us have children from a previous relationship either. I see it as a blessing because I know if there was a child involved, things would be different and definitely more complicated.

 

Mr Lucky, you are 100% correct, I rugswept everything initially to keep us intact. We own a house, a new vehicle, and land together and at first when I found out about the affairs, we almost separated. The only thing that kept either of us from leaving was the fact we simply love our home and property and didn't want to see it go. I definitely felt trapped because I can afford the mortgage and maintain the house without her, she cannot though without me. I think I tried to reconcile too quickly without letting what happened sink in. This past year, we have worked together on being completely honest with each other about everything and I have restricted her ability to come in contact the other men.

 

Finding my way, Ive never gave her more leniency when it came to infidelity due solely to the fact that she's a paramedic. I actually repeatedly warned her before it happened when she started her career that she should be very careful how she interacts with her co-workers and to not allow their bad habits/judgement/morals to infiltrate. Their are several of her co-workers that sleep around, have extra-marrital affairs, and cheat and openly talk about it. Some of it happens while they are on duty!!

[anika99]

She is a serial cheater and she began cheating very early into the marriage. This indicates that there is something broken in her, most likely going back to childhood. She can't promise fidelity until she gets to the root of the problem and that problem is not you. Don't let her get away with blaming her multiple affairs with multiple men on problem in the marriage. That is crap and it's not honest. You were in the same marriage and you didn't sleep with a bunch of different women. Plenty of people encounter rough patches in their marriages and they don't deal with it by bedding down multiple people.

 

Your wife is still very untrustworthy because she is not fully taking responsibility for her actions and she is not telling you the real reason she hasn't been able to be faithful. If she doesn't know the reason then it's her job to dig deep and figure it out. She can read books, go to therapy, whatever it takes. You need to see full transparency, true remorse and her putting in the hard work to get to the bottom of her issues. As long as she continues to blame her cheating on problems in the marriage this reconciliation is a farce and you can count on her cheating on you again, many many times.

[FMW]

This past year, we have worked together on being completely honest with each other about everything and I have restricted her ability to come in contact the other men.

 

Feeling you have to police her contact with other men to keep her faithful is a really bad sign. Either she's going to be faithful or she isn't. You can't be with her 24/7.

 

I understand the financial/property considerations, I've been there. Those things can be worked out and you can recover in that area. Recovering from emotional damage is much harder and takes a lot longer.

 

If you can recover your trust and intimacy that's great, but don't hang on for too long for the wrong reasons.

[Simple Logic]

Hello All,

I just found this website this evening and have been reading other posts for a few hours now. I'm so glad there is a forum like this for people to seek guidance and share their experiences. My wife of 4 years cheated on me a year ago with 3 other men. She works as a Paramedic and the men she cheated on me with work in police, fire, and ems. I knew from the start that marrying a first responder was going to be tough. She never seemed the type to ever cheat, so I fully trusted her, but after 1 year of marriage, we went through a rough patch where we had very little intimacy and alot of resentment for each other. She tried to cope with our lack of intimacy with the above mentioned men who work in our county. She has rededicated herself to me and our marriage but I don't know how to ever trust her, especially when she is surrounded by Type A men in her line of work. Is there anybody out there that has experienced this with their first responder spouse? I love my wife and want to support her. Our marriage can be great sometimes, but the stress from her job and the fact that she cheated really makes it hard for us stay close emotionally and physically.

 

I worked in the public safety profession for 30 years. You have some big issues.

 

If you know she had sex with 3 police/fire/ems, so does just about everyone else in that profession. There will be more hitting on her.

 

By profession everyone is not afraid of risk, that includes getting caught in an affair.

 

You are not part of the warrior class. She really is not attracted to you and she doesn’t have much respect for you.

 

The divorce rate is very high in these professions due to stress, work hours, and infidelity.

[Bryanp]

This is a really sad post.

 

If the roles were reversed and in the third year

of your marriage, you had sex with 4 separate women

and put your wife's health at risk for STD's, do you

honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have?

 

I hope you all have been tested for STD's as well.

 

It seems and has been shown by your wife that she has

very little respect for you. In addition, she probably thought

that she could have sex with many men and you would still

take her back so she had nothing to lose. She now knows she has

a husband that has accepted her screwing 4 different men in

a year behind his back and still wishes to forgive and be with her.

How do you think she really perceives you? It is pretty obvious.

 

The bottom line is if you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Colin Grant]

Respect and trust are not just critical pillars of a relationship (marriage especially) but essential requirements. Love by itself is insufficient. It's a start, but not the finishing or complete component. People that cheat on others typically have run a cost/benefit analysis and determined the cost is worth the benefit.

 

In other words, thought or even no thought was given and the act decided upon. This is disrespectful and abusive actually. Love may or may not be there on her part, but respect and trust was grossly compromised. Hence, she's not an reconcilable candidate.

 

If you wish to reconsider, then establish a set of measurable and attainable conditions and goals that show she's capable of restoring some of her respect for you and trust in her. This is NOT negotiable. It's what YOU need to reconsider.

 

It may be for her to quit her job. This is very common and reasonable to request. Are you more important than her job? If she considers her job more important, then you will clearly see what you mean to her. Actions, not words, tears or drama.

 

Just meaningful action on her part is your guide to seeing what you have or don't have. Don't be afraid of her inability to prioritize you. Accept it and move on if this is the case.

Edited December 9, 2018 by Colin Grant

[Chaparral]

One of the golden rules of reconciliation is that the cheater can no longer have any contact with the affair partner. If she works with any of them she has to quit. Period, no exceptions.

 

You say she slept with three men. Were these one night stands or full blown affairs. How do you know?

 

Do you have complete access to her phones , computers etc? Has she gone to counseling?

[40somethingGuy]

Oldlion, thank you for the advice. We actually both have agreed on the fact that we do not want children. Neither of us have children from a previous relationship either. I see it as a blessing because I know if there was a child involved, things would be different and definitely more complicated.

 

Mr Lucky, you are 100% correct, I rugswept everything initially to keep us intact. We own a house, a new vehicle, and land together and at first when I found out about the affairs, we almost separated. The only thing that kept either of us from leaving was the fact we simply love our home and property and didn't want to see it go. I definitely felt trapped because I can afford the mortgage and maintain the house without her, she cannot though without me. I think I tried to reconcile too quickly without letting what happened sink in. This past year, we have worked together on being completely honest with each other about everything and I have restricted her ability to come in contact the other men.

 

Finding my way, Ive never gave her more leniency when it came to infidelity due solely to the fact that she's a paramedic. I actually repeatedly warned her before it happened when she started her career that she should be very careful how she interacts with her co-workers and to not allow their bad habits/judgement/morals to infiltrate. Their are several of her co-workers that sleep around, have extra-marrital affairs, and cheat and openly talk about it. Some of it happens while they are on duty!!

If you had kids and it was a bad one-off situation, I could understand trying to make it work. 3 men? She is not who you want her to be in your mind. That is no mistake. Is your self esteem at a point where you feel you can do no better and have to settle for a woman who screwed at least 3 guys? Life as a cuck is no way to live. You have no kids. It should be fairly straight forward. Divorce her immediately. I know you won't but you will live very unhappily having knowledge that multiple men's dicks have been in your wife. Let that sink in. Sorry you are going through this.

[Buckeye2]

What do you gain from being married to her other than having someone to help pay the mortgage? Get a divorce and be one of her many boyfriends. You could share the rent and be friends with benefits.

[Orokotikki]

I was cheated on and in consider myself an advocate for reconciliation generally, but she is a serial cheater. Run for the hills!

 

In all seriousness, for the sake of you sanity and health, leave.

You won't be making yourself some martyr or hero - you can't fix her and make her honorable, if you stay your are just showing her she can manipulate you skillfully enough to disrespect you and get whatever she wants regardless of the cost to you.

 

So sorry for what you've been through.

[GoldenR]

She now knows that she can go on a cheating sex spree and you won't leave her. She knows she can get away with it.

 

Expect more infidelity.

 

Your only chance I'd I to mage he quit her job. Before you say, "But she makes good money, etc, etc ", ask yourself, is her income worth more cheating?

[Ronni_W]

She can’t “rededicate” herself to someone who doesn’t trust her,

Some people do, though, rededicate themselves as part of the process of rebuilding trust, and to reestablish their trustworthiness.

 

If her efforts feel heartfelt and genuine, I would accept that it is as it seems...but also with proper discernment and open eyes.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think her line of work has anything to do with her cheating ways, and is certainly no justification.

 

If there's any chance of her changing for the better she will need to quit her job and find a new one with less temptation. Even that might not work.

[Just a Guy]

Hi neveragain, are you really troubled by the fact that your wife cheated on you? What comes across from your posts is that you are more concerned about your Real Estate possessions than you are about who your wife is sleeping with. You either have clear cut boundaries or Red lines that you expect your spouse to maintain or stay within or you don't. If you are still mulling about whether your wife has hurt you and your marriage a year on or, if you think that she has but it is not something that you have to divorce her over then the best thing you can do is wink at it and take it in your stride. For all that it matters, as long as she is bringing in the moolah it shouldn't concern you what she does in her spare time with other men!

 

The only way you can have peace of mind is, firstly, to develop a level of self respect for yourself and secondly, specify deal breakers for her personal conduct. If she reneges on those you should have the resolve to act decisively to cut her out of your life and there should be no negotiating this. If you show your wife that it was alright for her to have sex with three different men and that there would be no consequences for her, then you have reinforced this fact in her mind and you can expect a repeat of such behaviour from her. If this is acceptable to you then you have nothing to complain about. Something to think about.