Emotional Conversation ~ Shame is an understatement

[TheRainbow]

:( My thoughts may be all over the place. Not sure what I'm looking for, but want to get it all out.

 

Tonight, I was laying in bed, and my husband came and crawled in beside me. We had a decent evening. He cooked me to supper; we watched a Christmas movie with the girls. He got the girls ready for bed and tidied up. Not doing my share is hard, but taking it easy for the baby is my top priority. I know it.

 

But anyway, we get into bed, and we make small talk. But things feel off with him. I've noticed a few times on and off through the last few months. He looks exhausted, and he says it's from work, and it's nothing to worry about. But I do worry because I felt like he was holding inside his feelings. I get he's stressed from the conflict with his family, with the baby most likely coming early, but I sensed, and I was right when something else was seriously bothering him. I've been lurking on here, trying to get the courage to say something.

 

After I stewed over it, I then told him I felt like something was bothering him beyond the obvious. He denied it. But I said him, that I'd noticed this before, and I know he's keeping it inside, and wished he'd tell me how he feels even if it hurts me.

 

He then sighed and admitted that he's been feeling emotionally stressed for a few months now, but told me not to worry, that he'd be fine. I called him out and said that was a sign that I was stressing him out. He told me then, and it wasn't exactly yelling but firmly told me that I shouldn't be stressing. So pretty much I said I was stressing over how he was feeling. I admit I"m overemotional, I've been worrying over the baby, and have been worried about how he has been handling it.

 

He told me he loved me and then admitted that he wished I would have just told him the truth in the first place about the chance of our daughter not being his. Because he has been feeling out of control with the situation ever since. He did ask me if I'd been in contact with the other man lately, and I said no. It's the truth. He said that he has put aside funds to for a lawyer if it comes down to it. Then I don't know where it came from, or why I asked it but I asked him if he ever looked at her, feel resentment or feel differently because of her paternity.

 

He said that he doesn't feel any ill feelings toward her, doesn't feel any different toward her but just hates, that the other man is lurking in the background. Just hates, that situation as a whole. He also fears every day that one day I'll leave him.

 

I reassured him I loved him. I couldn't say anything else. Words are cheap, and only actions going forward hold any weight. We were both emotional at this point. But he told him that he didn't want to talk about it anymore until after the baby is born.

[Ronni_W]

So...you had an extra-marital affair that leads to your daughter possibly not being your married husband's daughter?

 

Is getting a paternity test completely off the table for some reason?

Are you presently using, "I can't do it because the baby is my top priority right now," for some reason?

 

Is the other man still in your mind in the background, as a real, valid option for you?

Would you leave your current husband if it felt like it could be easy for your, and stress-free?

[TheRainbow]

So...you had an extra-marital affair that leads to your daughter possibly not being your married husband's daughter?

 

Is getting a paternity test completely off the table for some reason?

Are you presently using, "I can't do it because the baby is my top priority right now," for some reason?

 

Is the other man still in your mind in the background, as a real, valid option for you?

Would you leave your current husband if it felt like it could be easy for your, and stress-free?

 

The middle daughter isn't my husband's biological daughter. Even with this knowledge he still wants to give me and our marriage another chance. I'm currently pregnant with our baby, which is his child, and was proven through prenatal DNA testing.

 

The other man can go jump off a bridge for all I care. He's my biggest regret. When our first affair ended, I should have walked away especially with how he treated me. But when I started it up again, it was my fault. My husband and I were trying for a baby and were having fertility issues when I got pregnant. This current pregnancy happened while we were in limbo/seperating. Now were back together. IT's complicated.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your husband is a saint. I hope you don't hurt him again .

[Ronni_W]

IT's complicated.

Yep...I do get that. But I don't get how I can support you in whatever it is that you need supporting. (It might just be that I'm particularly dense tonight,

but I'm not getting an 'issue' or question, from your posts.)

 

Sending hugs.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yep...I do get that. But I don't get how I can support you in whatever it is that you need supporting. (It might just be that I'm particularly dense tonight,

but I'm not getting an 'issue' or question, from your posts.)

 

Sending hugs.

 

I think she just needed to vent. I think she understands the gravity of what she's done.

 

OP, I hope you have a healthy baby that provides some healing for your family.

[TheRainbow]

Your husband is a saint. I hope you don't hurt him again .

 

I don't know how he can even stand to look at me, never mind want to be with me.

[TheRainbow]

I read through my previous posts and I just can't believe the **** I said about him. The blame I dropped right into his lap.

[Ronni_W]

I don't know how he can even stand to look at me, never mind want to be with me.

Ah! Okay...so that one's relatively easy.

 

Your value on this planet is not as seen through only one person's eyes; not even a hundred people; not even a monk's or rabbi's or pope's.

 

You are worthy and deserving, all by yourself, all on your own...regardless of prior actions for which you are now regretful and remorseful. Those ones are forgiven

(even if not by this or that person or community or organization on Earth.)

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how he can even stand to look at me, never mind want to be with me.

 

Until you forgive yourself, you're going to be feeding negative energy around into your marriage and relationship. Go to counseling on your own and re build your confidence and connection to your husband. He's feeling insecure, rightfully so and only (as you said) only your actions can show him that you're not going to leave him. Words are great to a point so show him that you love him. Do nice things for him and pay attention to his needs etc.. (not talking about sex, talking about his emotional stuff)..

[TheRainbow]

Until you forgive yourself, you're going to be feeding negative energy around into your marriage and relationship. Go to counseling on your own and re build your confidence and connection to your husband. He's feeling insecure, rightfully so and only (as you said) only your actions can show him that you're not going to leave him. Words are great to a point so show him that you love him. Do nice things for him and pay attention to his needs etc.. (not talking about sex, talking about his emotional stuff)..

 

I am in counselling. I've been doing my best to show him I truly do love him.

[TheRainbow]

Ah! Okay...so that one's relatively easy.

 

Your value on this planet is not as seen through only one person's eyes; not even a hundred people; not even a monk's or rabbi's or pope's.

 

You are worthy and deserving, all by yourself, all on your own...regardless of prior actions for which you are now regretful and remorseful. Those ones are forgiven

(even if not by this or that person or community or organization on Earth.)

 

This wasn't my first affair, just the only one since we'd been married. I had cheated a lot before marriage. I'm the one who caused this pain, this destruction.

[Ronni_W]

This wasn't my first affair, just the only one since we'd been married. I had cheated a lot before marriage. I'm the one who caused this pain, this destruction.

It still doesn't matter. Your value on this planet is not as seen through only one person's eyes; not even a hundred people; not even a monk's or rabbi's or pope's.

You are worthy and deserving, all by yourself, all on your own. It does not matter what anybody else on Earth wants to try to make you feel about your own value on this planet.

[preraph]

Look, you're in counseling. You're doing what you can. of course he's going to worry about you cheating again or leaving him. The best thing you can do about that is to be totally transparent. Give him the password to your phone and computer and social media. Don't let him have to worry about it. If it would make him feel better, maybe you even let him put a tracker on your phone. Now that is not something I would ever condone if the other person wanted to do it. But if you volunteer it to give him some peace of mind, I think it would really help as long as you truly are going to counseling and never planning on cheating again.

[Simple Logic]

I am in counselling. I've been doing my best to show him I truly do love him.

 

You should ask your councilor how you should communicate with your husband when he is having a tough time because I can assure you if you keep arguing with him he will give up and move on.

[TheRainbow]

I've been transparent. He has access to everything. I don't know if he's checking up on me or not. We aren't' really arguing. The only thing we really argue about isn't even about our relationship.

[Amethyst68]

Having read your other threads I think your husband is also under enormous pressure from his family who have just found out he is not your daughter's biological father. Maybe he just thinks that if he had had that extra bit of time to prepare himself, if you weren't in conflict as a couple when they found out things with them might be different...? I obviously don't know but it's just a thought.

 

You've made a lot of progress since you started posting, all you can do is keep going, be loving, transparent and there for him when he needs you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Listen, It’s his choice to be with you. He could have - and most men would have - walked away.

 

So right there is the answer to your doubts. Let the “why” go, focus on and appreciate the here and now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

I feel guilty also because I told him that he should be upfront with his family. Now that he had, it has only put more stress on him.

[Bryanp]

I agree that your husband is a very special man. What do you truly do to show how much you honestly love him on a daily basis?

[TheRainbow]

I agree that your husband is a very special man. What do you truly do to show how much you honestly love him on a daily basis?

 

I've been being transparent, giving him access to everything, going the extra mile doing things for him. I'm really paying to love language which is physical touch and act of service. It means more to him to do something I know he hates, then let's say buy him a gift. Just considering his feelings. When I asked him what more he wants. He says he just wants me to be the wife and partner he knows I can be. That he doesn't particularly dislike anything about me, and just wants an honest partner who won't cheat on him. And he says if there is anything else he wants me to do, that I'm not all ready doing, he'll let me know. I mean it feels like all this should be what any normal partner would do, but I feel like I need to go the extra mile since the first ten years of our marriage has been one-sided. Him being the best partner, husband, friend and father, and I've been half-assing it, treating him like ****, and not being the wife and friend he deserves.

 

He says he doesn't want to dwell on the past. He just doesn't want it to repeat. He says so many people he has talked too, or have given him advice are still self wallowing (his words) in their own grief that he just doesn't want to live like that, but wants to move on and be happy. Unfortunately, he is discovering that just ignoring the problems won't make them go away.

[GoldenR]

I'm familiar with your story. I believe I participated in at least one of your threads.

 

What I'm going to say, you won't like. But I've personally seen this before. Twice.

 

You're a serial cheater. Then you get pregnant by your H. Hormones flood you and all of a sudden you love your H. You're so sorry for what you did. You want to make it up to him. Etc, etc.

 

But once you have the baby, and the extra lovey-dovey hormones are gone, what makes you think you won't just become, well, YOU again and start up cheating again?

 

It happened twice to ppl I knew. Both couples are divorced now.

[TheRainbow]

I'm familiar with your story. I believe I participated in at least one of your threads.

 

What I'm going to say, you won't like. But I've personally seen this before. Twice.

 

You're a serial cheater. Then you get pregnant by your H. Hormones flood you and all of a sudden you love your H. You're so sorry for what you did. You want to make it up to him. Etc, etc.

 

But once you have the baby, and the extra lovey-dovey hormones are gone, what makes you think you won't just become, well, YOU again and start up cheating again?

 

It happened twice to ppl I knew. Both couples are divorced now.

 

This time I'm doing something about it. I've been pregnant twice, cheated multiple times, and just rugswept it. I've always felt guilty, and some shame but never enough.

 

This time, after separating myself from my husband, seeking counselling, and admitting to myself that I have issues is the first step. I'm not perfect. And I know once the pregnancy is over, the emotions will stabilized. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable of love or capable of change. I just need to keep it up.

[preraph]

He sounds like a really good guy. I hope you can work it out with him. He'd make a great role model for the kids. It's just that I do worry about those in-laws. Be humble with them and give it a year or two and maybe they'll get a little over it.

 

You haven't talked much about what you do for a living. Do you work? I think you should work if you don't, asap. That would show everyone you're not just living off him but are going to be a contributing partner.

[TheRainbow]

He sounds like a really good guy. I hope you can work it out with him. He'd make a great role model for the kids. It's just that I do worry about those in-laws. Be humble with them and give it a year or two and maybe they'll get a little over it.

 

You haven't talked much about what you do for a living. Do you work? I think you should work if you don't, asap. That would show everyone you're not just living off him but are going to be a contributing partner.

 

In on medical leave due to pregnancy complication. I'm going back to work part time in June. He wanted me to stay home and I wanted to work full time so we made a comporise.