Laotra Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 I am married my life is good. My husband is awesome. Only one problem I can not forgive him for lying to me at the beginning. I trusted him way to fast and he lied to me he continued talking to other women and one specifically he talked too on a daily basis. And even went to her house while I lived with him. And I only found out because she came over late one night. One year later it is still affecting me. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 The fact that he lied is upsetting. However, I think the bad behavior (seeing her) and lying to you about it, happened before you were married. Is that correct? If so AND if he has been faithful & truthful since you got engaged (or at least since you were married), do try to put it behind you. Focus on his good behavior now. Remind yourself he married you & she's a distant inconsequential memory. If this is the hill you want to die on, have your marriage annulled. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Why did you marry him if you knew he's a liar at best and a cheater at worst? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Do you know him well enough to trust that once married, he wouldn't see other women, or do you think he would and that's why you're still worried? The lying is bad no matter when it was, but some guys do take marriage seriously. Is he one? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I trusted him way to fast and he lied to me he continued talking to other women and one specifically he talked too on a daily basis. And even went to her house while I lived with him. And I only found out because she came over late one night. One year later it is still affecting me. What do I do? Has your husband been honest, open and transparent in his actions, communication, phone, social media, etc.? I'm guessing the answer is "no" or you wouldn't be here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Hi Laotra, can you give some more details about your situation? Details like how long you have been married, how long you knew your husband or how long did the two of you date and your ages? You say your husband is awesome and in the next sentence you say you cannot forgive him for lying to you in the beginning and that he continued to talk to other women. These two statements are just not consistent with each other. A more detailed version of your situation would help folks on here respond more pertinently and productively. Wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
BMI03 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I am married my life is good. My husband is awesome. Only one problem I can not forgive him for lying to me at the beginning. I trusted him way to fast and he lied to me he continued talking to other women and one specifically he talked too on a daily basis. And even went to her house while I lived with him. And I only found out because she came over late one night. One year later it is still affecting me. What do I do? I had a situation similar in part to yours. I am married and happy, as is my wife to the best of my observation. When we started seeing each other I was in the final stages of a divorce. We never outright stated that we were exclusive, but I certainly thought we were. After about three to four months together a friend of hers made a comment about her own relationship which led to my now-wife looking at me and saying "I know we didn't say it, but we are exclusive in case you are wondering!". We laughed because it was just assumed. I found out about a year later that she had continued to talk to other men online, and even saw a couple of them. She had given her number out to at least two, and about a couple weeks after we started going out may have actually slept with one...not sure. I had the same choice you had...try to get to the bottom of it and blow open a whole bunch of argument and denial about something from so long ago, or recognize that it was early days when, because I was still divorcing, I should chalk up to her fear and insecurities that I was as committed as I was. Like another had said here, in the end, she chose me. And I can't blame her for wanting to protect her heart in those early days. And I can't judge her for being fearful that exposing those details to me now may interrupt a relationship she is truly happy in. That doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it...I get triggers now and then that make me upset internally about it...and it doesn't mean that somewhere down the road I am not going to sit her down and tell her I need to discuss something to get it off my chest...but it does mean that I have decide not to let it consume me, and judge her for the woman she is today. I don't think this will satisfy my needs for clarity in the long term...but it will mean that it will not be a marriage-breaking topic on my mind. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 I am married my life is good. My husband is awesome. Only one problem I can not forgive him for lying to me at the beginning. I trusted him way to fast and he lied to me he continued talking to other women and one specifically he talked too on a daily basis. And even went to her house while I lived with him. And I only found out because she came over late one night. One year later it is still affecting me. What do I do? So he didn't cheat on you ? Your husband can continue talking to other women besides you, the same applies with you, concerning other men. And he can visit female friends.This could be a jealous issue on your part... I think think he is simply lying because of how insecure you are. If he really wanted to cheat on you, he could have done a better job than "...she came over late one night" You are special to your husband, but you are not his everything, nor can you be. Every woman has a unique essence of femininity (except feminists:p), I always enjoyed other women's presence while in a relationship, it actually kept me faithful. A man shouldn't stop seeing other women after he gets married, one can not fully satisfy a man, even if he loves you...that is why many cultures naturally progressed to polygamy... Hence the conundrum : He knows he dearly loves you as his wife, wouldn't want to lose you, but yet you are not enough to fulfill him, despite your been a good wife and mother. His masculinity still longs for other womens femininity. He doesn't have to cheat, but he wants to enjoy their unique femininity. Men tell me how dearly they love their wives, how they never want to lose them, and yet how he still longs and desires other women. This is the essence of men, it is not evil or bad, it's our rules that have made it appear bad... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Men tell me how dearly they love their wives, how they never want to lose them, and yet how he still longs and desires other women. This is the essence of men, it is not evil or bad, it's our rules that have made it appear bad... A simplistic view that has nothing to do with the nuances and complexities involved is sustaining a successful marriage. I may long for and desire my neighbor's new car, doesn't mean I'm justified hot-wiring and using it when he's unaware. Mature people understand the difference between the things they can do and should do... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 So he didn't cheat on you ? Your husband can continue talking to other women besides you, the same applies with you, concerning other men. And he can visit female friends.This could be a jealous issue on your part... I think think he is simply lying because of how insecure you are. If he really wanted to cheat on you, he could have done a better job than "...she came over late one night" You are special to your husband, but you are not his everything, nor can you be. Every woman has a unique essence of femininity (except feminists:p), I always enjoyed other women's presence while in a relationship, it actually kept me faithful. A man shouldn't stop seeing other women after he gets married, one can not fully satisfy a man, even if he loves you...that is why many cultures naturally progressed to polygamy... Hence the conundrum : He knows he dearly loves you as his wife, wouldn't want to lose you, but yet you are not enough to fulfill him, despite your been a good wife and mother. His masculinity still longs for other womens femininity. He doesn't have to cheat, but he wants to enjoy their unique femininity. Men tell me how dearly they love their wives, how they never want to lose them, and yet how he still longs and desires other women. This is the essence of men, it is not evil or bad, it's our rules that have made it appear bad... My therapist constantly discusses the difference between men and women and our thinking of love and sex. To be honest after reading what you wrote here and what has been discussed in my therapy I wonder why people even get married at all, especially if men think this way. Anyways opposite sex friends can be possible, but I also think these situations can lead to the slippery slope of an A. There is a book that discusses this called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Link to post Share on other sites
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