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Today is ex-ow's birthday


Luvmykidz

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Confession: After a year of NC on my part, I reached out to ex-OW with a simple "happy birthday!" wish on her FB wall. I feel like I've done well in avoiding her with exception of today's birthday wish. I realize that remaining in contact with her is detrimental to my marriage, so I stay away for the most part. I will not choose the "like" button on any of her posts or pictures because I don't want her to feel like I still love her and/or that there's a chance for us. Her response to my birthday wish was pretty dry and non-chalant. I can't blame her for that since I'm the one that broke the entire thing off and have been pretty much avoiding her since, for the most part. Anyhow, that's my confession.

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I'd say posting happy birthday on an important date such as her birthday is a huge **** you. I'd delete that post, and block her completely. And this is coming from a recovery serial cheater.

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I'd say posting happy birthday on an important date such as her birthday is a huge **** you. I'd delete that post, and block her completely. And this is coming from a recovery serial cheater.

 

My birthday wish to her was very general, unlike last year, when I added a few extra words and pleasantries. I feel like I've come a long way since last year. I literally only said "happy birthday". I could have sent a text or a private message to wish her a happy birthday instead but I know that would been a bad decision because it would have made her feel like there's an opening and that I still love her. Besides, she's completely ignoring me anyway just like I'm doing to her on social media, even though I started it by abruptly shutting her out. I act like she doesn't exist most of the time. It's for the best.

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Any contact is confusing and can't help but stir feelings, you know that. I would be really upset if after a year of NC I received that. It's selfish and hurtful.

 

And it would be devastating to your wife if she knew about it.

 

It means you haven't let the OW go. You still have work to do on yourself.

 

I completely understand. But be brutally honest with yourself. Why did you do it? Any contact is a bad thing and can't have any positive outcome.

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My birthday wish to her was very general, unlike last year, when I added a few extra words and pleasantries. I feel like I've come a long way since last year. I literally only said "happy birthday". I could have sent a text or a private message to wish her a happy birthday instead but I know that would been a bad decision because it would have made her feel like there's an opening and that I still love her. Besides, she's completely ignoring me anyway just like I'm doing to her on social media, even though I started it by abruptly shutting her out. I act like she doesn't exist most of the time. It's for the best.

 

You shouldn't have entertained it in the first place. It shows you are thinking of her and it's adding salt to the wound.

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I understand why you did it.

 

However no new contact means no new hurts. It’s very confusing to open that door and keep her hanging on.

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I understand why you did it.

 

However no new contact means no new hurts. It’s very confusing to open that door and keep her hanging on.

 

Never mind the other woman, what it would do to his wife if she found out. I could only imagine if I posted a happy birthday or any kind of contact, innocent or not what it would do to my husband. If he wants his marriage, he needs to let her go.

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Why did you do it?

 

If OP is being honest with himself, he will know that the motivation for doing something like this is purely selfish...

 

No good can come of this. Your wife would be very hurt. Your OW is trying to move forward in her life, and you have brought her back to the source of her pain. The only person who gains anything from this contact is you - you get your fix... given, it is now in a much smaller dose.

Edited by BaileyB
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So you're keeping your toe in the door, eh?

You weren't in NC to begin with if you can see her posts or creep on her FB - NC would be having her blocked. It stands for NO CONTACT, not No Messaging.

 

If you were my fWS and I was your BS... If I found this out, I would be quietly getting my ducks in a row to serve papers.

 

People and relationships aren't playthings.

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So you're keeping your toe in the door, eh?

You weren't in NC to begin with if you can see her posts or creep on her FB - NC would be having her blocked. It stands for NO CONTACT, not No Messaging.

 

If you were my fWS and I was your BS... If I found this out, I would be quietly getting my ducks in a row to serve papers.

 

People and relationships aren't playthings.

 

Serve papers just for a simple happy birthday wish? Sounds extreme. My W won't do that. No matter what has happened over the years, she has always pursued me and the relationship. Yes, she has put up with my crap repeatedly. It's her choice.

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A simple birthday wish... to the AP!

Which tells BS that the WS:

Thinks fondly of the AP

Is looking in on the AP digital life

Is not in NC

Does not recognize the pain the A caused the BS

Does not respect the BS

 

Feel so sorry for your BS. It is her choice, her poor choice, keep pushing her, maybe she realize she needs to make a better one.

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If OP is being honest with himself, he will know that the motivation for doing something like this is purely selfish...

 

No good can come of this. Your wife would be very hurt. Your OW is trying to move forward in her life, and you have brought her back to the source of her pain. The only person who gains anything from this contact is you - you get your fix... given, it is now in a much smaller dose.

 

Maybe the W would be hurt. But just know that it won't last. She's not going to leave.

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Maybe the W would be hurt. But just know that it won't last. She's not going to leave.

Plus you don't really care that much right?

 

You don't care that your contact with AP will hurt her as much as you do care about having that contact with AP.

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I understand why you did it.

 

However no new contact means no new hurts. It’s very confusing to open that door and keep her hanging on.

 

I did it because it was the right thing to do. But I'm not going to initiate further contact, well not until her next birthday, that is.

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A simple birthday wish... to the AP!

Which tells BS that the WS:

Thinks fondly of the AP

Is looking in on the AP digital life

Is not in NC

Does not recognize the pain the A caused the BS

Does not respect the BS

 

Feel so sorry for your BS. It is her choice, her poor choice, keep pushing her, maybe she realize she needs to make a better one.

 

Why do you feel sorry for my W? She knew who she was marrying. I had an unresolved past when we met. And I've cheated on her during the marriage. It was her choice to keep staying.

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You shouldn't have entertained it in the first place. It shows you are thinking of her and it's adding salt to the wound.

 

I do think of her. Everyday. But I know it's for the best that I stay away and just love from afar.

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Plus you don't really care that much right?

 

You don't care that your contact with AP will hurt her as much as you do care about having that contact with AP.

 

How will she know?

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Serve papers just for a simple happy birthday wish? Sounds extreme. My W won't do that. No matter what has happened over the years, she has always pursued me and the relationship. Yes, she has put up with my crap repeatedly. It's her choice.

 

Does it sound extreme? Or are you just not seeing how disrespectful you are being. I truly understand because I've been there. I've disrespected my husband so many times. Cheated multiple times. But now that I'm truly working on myself and my marriage, sending a message, a simple happy birthday wish is a big deal. You cheated on your wife with this woman. She had a part in murdering your marriage. The last thing you should be doing is looking, thinking never mind having any kind of contact with her if your focus in on your marriage. Right now it seems your priority is on in this order 1) Yourself 2) The OW 3) Wife/Marriage. Your wife and marriage should be number one, and the OW shouldn't even be on this list.

 

Just because she won't leave you for contact and still seeking some kind of validation from the OW doesn't make it right. I cheat multiple times and my husband didn't leave me but didn't change that I was a ****ty person, who made excuses and continued to hurt him repeatedly.

 

I think you need to ask yourself if you even want to remain married or if you're doing it out of convenience, or some other reason.

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Does it sound extreme? Or are you just not seeing how disrespectful you are being. I truly understand because I've been there. I've disrespected my husband so many times. Cheated multiple times. But now that I'm truly working on myself and my marriage, sending a message, a simple happy birthday wish is a big deal. You cheated on your wife with this woman. She had a part in murdering your marriage. The last thing you should be doing is looking, thinking never mind having any kind of contact with her if your focus in on your marriage. Right now it seems your priority is on in this order 1) Yourself 2) The OW 3) Wife/Marriage. Your wife and marriage should be number one, and the OW shouldn't even be on this list.

 

Just because she won't leave you for contact and still seeking some kind of validation from the OW doesn't make it right. I cheat multiple times and my husband didn't leave me but didn't change that I was a ****ty person, who made excuses and continued to hurt him repeatedly.

 

I think you need to ask yourself if you even want to remain married or if you're doing it out of convenience, or some other reason.

 

I cheated on my wife with two different women. I am a ****ty person, I'll admit it. Things with this OW were not as serious or intense as with the OW, so felt like it wasn't a horrible thing to do. I love my kids and wife. We've been together longer than any of our friends and we are proud of it. People look up to us as good example of marriage. I want a family, that's why I stay.

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I cheated on my wife with two different women. I am a ****ty person, I'll admit it. Things with this OW were not as serious or intense as with the OW, so felt like it wasn't a horrible thing to do. I love my kids and wife. We've been together longer than any of our friends and we are proud of it. People look up to us as good example of marriage. I want a family, that's why I stay.

 

But can't you show her enough respect and let the OW go?

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I cheated on my wife with two different women. I am a ****ty person, I'll admit it. Things with this OW were not as serious or intense as with the OW, so felt like it wasn't a horrible thing to do. I love my kids and wife. We've been together longer than any of our friends and we are proud of it. People look up to us as good example of marriage. I want a family, that's why I stay.

 

Holy Moses! You disrespected your marriage and risked hurting your wife just for the sake of saying Happy Birthday to the OW that you didn't even have strong feelings for?

 

I don't know if you even know what love is when it comes to opposite sex relationships. You barely mention your wife and when you do its in a dismissive way like she's the ever loyal family pet. Like "oh she's not going anywhere so it doesn't matter if I do things to disrespect her" And when it comes to the OW I don't think you really care about them either. You cut them out of your life whenever you feel guilty and then draw them back in when it suits your needs. You use them to make yourself feel good. It's all about what you want and need.

 

By reading your first thread it seems that you had 5 children with her, three before you even got married. But when you write the history of your marriage you make it sound like you only got married because of the kids, like you never loved your wife you just got trapped by pregnancy. Yet you managed not to marry her after the first kid, and you managed not to marry her after the second kid. It was only when the third kid came along that you decided to marry. If you never loved your wife like you love the OW then why keep getting her pregnant? You have complained that your wife neglects you but how much attention could she give you when there were all those kids to attend to?

 

You're a bit of a sad Walter Mitty type of character. Instead of embracing the life you have and making it the best it can be you escape to your fantasy life of romance. You don't love the OW, they are just playing parts in your fantasy. You may have only said "Happy Birthday" to the OW but the message was "I'm still thinking about you, are you still thinking about me"

 

You're wife obviously has issues too, in that she has accepted this and that she has shown a willingness to stay no matter what you do. Could be a lack of self esteem or fear of striking out alone or something else altogether. But just because she is weak or scared that doesn't make it okay for you to disrespect her and your marriage. Get in the marriage or get out of it. Just make a choice.

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