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Me and my wife are separated and I know another man is involved


Alexander37

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Hi everyone

After months of going through about every emotion possible and a complete battering I feel that now is the time to ask some advice from other people who have been in my position (seeing as I cant figure it out on my own).

 

I have been married to my wife for 9 years and we've been together for nearly 13, we have no kids. I have never cheated on my wife and I never engage in flirting or anything like that. My wife is a very kind, sweet person who is held in very high regard by anyone who knows her in the town for her honesty and good nature.

I had better start from the beginning, I apologise for the length of the post but there is a lot to explain!

 

A couple of years ago we finally got to buy our own home and it was just what we were after and straight away I set to work renovating it inside and out. Due to me doing that she started going out more with some friends she used to work with ill call them N & T, 'the girls'. They never once came to the house (apart from once when I was away for the night), all they wanted to do was go out on drinking binges. N is 50 (13 years older than my wife) and divorced as her husband cheated on her, she goes out dressed like a cheap old tart with her chest hanging out and according to my wife's sister in law N is a real slapper and will go with anything including giving the taxi driver a BJ on the way home one night. T was married and with him for 20 years with 2 kids, since going out with N she has left her husband to see what else is out there. She used to dress classy but now has started dressing more like N. So my wife started going out at least once a week with them and was coming back hammered, throwing up and all sorts. She was hitting the gym and looked really good, got fillers and botox and really nice new clothes. None of this was for me. We were trying for a baby but had no luck to date, been to see specialists and she was on medication to help.

 

Fast forward to April this year and one Sunday she says she wants to go to a shop in the capital (an hour away) to get a jacket and as I was busy working I suggested she take her mother, she said her mother didn't want to and N wanted to go. I said fine. After some time on her phone (Permanently attached to her all day every day now, with a security code added) she says that N had spa vouchers for a big hotel in the city that a man had given her and she and wife would share them, I said that would be nice for her. 15 minutes later she said as she had a meeting at a big hotel 15 mins from there on Monday morning they might as well stay there as the vouchers would cover it. Something didn't feel right to me and I've normally got a good gut for lies. She text me at 6.20 to say she'd arrived at the spa, then again at 9.30 to say they'd just come out and were having dinner. I tried to call about 10.30 but she didn't answer and immediately text to say N was sleeping and she'd call in the morning. I smelt a rat and nearly drove down or rang the hotel but I convinced myself that I was being silly and she'd never do that to me.

 

A few days later I come in and she's crying in the living room and tells me that things aren't working and that we shouldn't bring a child into the world with how we are. I was blindsided to say the least and went into panic mode.

I asked her if she'd started on the pill and she said no. She didn't want sex anymore either.

I asked her if there was anyone else she said no. A few weeks later I had worked out she was back on the pill and where she was hiding them and I asked her again firmly and she admitted she was. I was devastated.

I had also found out that N had asked my wife to lie to T to cover for her and I started to wonder about what other lies were happening. Whilst cleaning I found a parking ticket with my wife's car reg on for the hotel she had the Monday meeting at but noticed the time stamp had her entering the car park at 6.15 pm the night before the meeting! 5 mins before she told me she was entering the spa at a different hotel in the next city. She was staying at her parents for a week and I quizzed her about it there and she spent 5 minutes denying she was there until the ticket was shown to her and she said that N had met her ex there to drop off some of his stuff.

I checked with the spa hotel and they shut the doors at 6.30 and go home, but they said they were in there til 9.30.

I went to N's house and confronted her and she lied through her back teeth to me and told me that the vouchers were a gift from her daughter and that that my wife could have had treatments but N didn't because she couldn't afford it! When I then asked how come she didn't have spa treatments when she had a spa package her face dropped and she realised she ****ed up!

I have warned my wife about N plenty in the last 2 years that she is a liar, manipulative and deceitful, I have been ignored until recently.

Whilst on a boozy night out in the city Wife, N and T were on the train home and wife passed out on the table of the train, N then takes her phone and goes into her messenger and reads our private messages to each other including my warnings about N. She then sends me a message pretending to be my wife ending our marriage for good, saying that N is a good honest friend who means more to her than I ever have and that I am worthless and so on and so on.. after which she blocked me from my wife's messenger and put her phone back next to my wife. T did not stop her or wake up my wife to do so or even tell her what N had done when she woke up. Apparently N and my wife aren't friends anymore over it but I don't know what to believe anymore. All I know is that by sending that message N proved me right all along about the type of nasty, dishonest person she really is.

 

She came home and I went away for the night but found out that she was sending photos and talking really flirty and sexy to a guy from work, J, (or so I thought), when confronted she went mad and left home for her parents and not moved back since.

Since then I have found out that J who is 50 and single had booked at least one room at the Monday meeting hotel for the night before when my wife was there. I have also found out that he is mates with another guy in their team, S, that I used to work with who is a bit more our age and I know to be slimey from when I worked with him despite having a fiancé and 2 kids. As I had S's phone number I watched him and my wife both going back and forth to each other on a messaging app for weeks, all hours of the day and night. I confronted her and she denied everything and flew into a rage when I asked her to call the spa hotel and prove they stayed there, in fact twice I asked her to do that and twice she either threatened me with violence or got physical with me, only twice in 13 years has that happened, both times I asked.

I asked to see her phone and was not allowed to and refused the passcode, said it was invading her privacy..

 

She went away for a few days on her own to think and it was by chance I happened on a photo from the trip away and S was stood in the background! She denies it was him but I worked with him so I know it was.

Cutting a long story down a bit the last 6 months have been hell, I've suffered from depression, anxiety, couldn't eat or sleep, lost 3 stone in weight in about 2 months and thought seriously about ending my life on a couple of occasions. I am a bit better now but am still on daily medication and struggling with work and so on. I thought I was going mad at one point and paranoid as she denied everything and made me feel that way.

 

We've been going out a bit lately and even have had sex a few times, she fell pregnant! typical we couldn't when we wanted to and then it happens now! However she miscarried (or so she says) and the baby is no more. I don't know how I feel about that yet as it's just happened.

There's a lot more to tell but it is far too much for one post..

 

My problem is that I really do love her so much but I cant carry on with the lies, I was hoping that she would come clean to me which would mean that she started to respect me again enough to be honest as I deserve at least that much. She hasn't though and I've given her so many opportunities to do so. I could have blown it all wide open ages ago and gone to near his house and forced it out of him under threat of knocking on his door and telling his fiancé. I could get the truth from N if I needed to as I have a big bargaining chip. I have avoided doing that until now as it will be messy for all concerned and if I have to force the truth then I don't want to be with her anyway.

 

So can anyone offer any advice please who has been here? I want the truth but I don't know which way I want it, one way has a potential at least for a future with the woman I love and the other does not. I don't feel like myself anymore and a shell of who I used to be and I cant carry on like this.

Thanks for reading this I know it's a lot.

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Well, your post is long but the point is short - your wife is cheating on you. All of the lies, misdirection and secrecy are to cover her tracks, and she’ll continue to do so as long as she’s straying. In other words, don’t believe a word she says.

 

Forget N and T, no one but your wife is responsible for her infidelity. And unfortunately, unless she’ll quit her job, go NC with S and offer you complete transparency, nothing you can do for your marriage. It takes two to undo the damage one has done.

 

Welcome to LoveShack, sorry it’s under these circumstances. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You wife is neck deep in an affair. Why do you think she's distant, doesn't want sex?

 

She doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend. She's a very typical cheater.

 

You don't want to know the truth. You'd rather stay in denial than face reality. Happens a lot to betrayed spouses.

 

Your wayward wife put you in this position but you are the one keeping yourself there.

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Welcome to LS and my sympathies.....

 

How long do you have to be separated before you can divorce in your country/culture?

 

I noted you put that word in your title but it isn't mentioned in your post. IMO, if spouses are separated, especially living separately, everything is fair game. While some may nitpick adultery legalities, a separation is like a breakup IMO. People date other people, have sex with other people, even fall in love with other people. If that didn't interest one or both of them, they wouldn't be separated, rather working on the marriage together.

 

Another man/woman may be involved. This may be difficult to accept but we're not omnipotent beings that others are conscribed to worship. Everyone is free and autonomous. Yes, it is nice when people respect marital vows and relationship boundaries. Social shaming and other consequences assists in that. For those who don't care, well, they don't care. I mean, what are you/I going to do about it?

 

Play it out and get a divorce, however that goes in your culture. No kids, life goes on, consider this the wake up call to any 'you and me forever' dreams you might have entertained prior. Accept reality.

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The lies your cheating wife is spinning are very deep. For example, when N got ahold of her cell while she was passed out drunk and texted you how did N know her passcode? Wife stops having sex with you but then suddenly starts up again, and then magically gets pregnant… buddy, that is exactly why she had sex with you. The other man knocked her up and she needed a fall guy (you) to take the hit and raise the child. There's more to this story than she has told you.... but does it really matter? She is a weak willed female who allowed her evil immoral friends to corrupt her. She is not worth fighting for. Stop having sex with her. Stop all contact with her. Divorce her and let her pave her own road to hell... there are a lot of good women out there who would consider you to be the answer to their prayers. Find one of them and be happy you dodged a large bullet.

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I say it's time to go nuclear:

 

Expose, expose, expose, expose. To everyone and anyone.

 

And then serve her with D papers and tell her she has until the day before the D is final to convince you to drop it.

 

And then sit back and watch.

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Yes, easy to tell, if I welcome and ask questions I'm watching them. Some come back to read and never post. Others are drive-bys We've had a lot of that lately, especially in the Infidelity areas.

 

More on-topic, I was noting the content about the wife's friends and I'm watching something similar with an MW right now, she just sharing that two good friends are seeking or considering divorces after many years of marriage. She's pushing 30 years M herself and has been unhappy for awhile, she says. She went out drinking with those friends. Women network and confab and support each other that way. She's still pro-M from what I've seen so far but sometimes the wanderlust can be contagious.

 

I remember something similar happening when I was married and my exW was unsatisfied with things when I was caregiving. Her friends would echo and support that dissatisfaction and I noticed they build an emotional scenario over time via group-think. That 'you go girl' stuff. Don't need a man. Get rid of him. Happens.

 

If OP can't just file for divorce tomorrow, it gets tricky, especially with substantial assets and/or children. Doesn't sound like he has kids, thankfully. We didn't either. Made things easier, if divorce can ever be considered easier.

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I say it's time to go nuclear:

 

Expose, expose, expose, expose. To everyone and anyone.

 

And then serve her with D papers and tell her she has until the day before the D is final to convince you to drop it.

 

And then sit back and watch.

 

I agree with your post, but step 1 is to determine if you would ever be able to forgive and do you want to even bother.

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somanymistakes

If they're separated, there's nothing to expose. It's a little confusing from the post though.

 

But honestly there is no future in this relationship, it's pretty clear. OP, you need to get out of this mess as quickly and cleanly as possible so you can keep your head held high. Trying to win her back will only prolong the agony.

 

You've been having problems for years because you don't share values anymore. SHe's interested in friends and a lifestyle that don't work for you.

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Hi everyone,

She left me in June this year when I discovered that something was going on with someone from work and wanted a month away from me with NC to "see if she missed me" as she "loved me but not in love with me", I said at the time that it would only create more distance but she went anyway, we agreed not to see anyone else. A lot happened in the next 6 weeks and she turned up and said that the marriage was over, then changed her mind and wanted to spend time together, go to couples therapy and so on to see if we had a chance. We did our second couples session last night and I confronted her again about S and she is insisting that nothing has happened and it was J that she was flirting with. J is single and S has a fiancé and kids so I think she is just protecting him by saying it was J. She paused before answering me and saying it was J, I think she thought about saying the truth but couldn't do it.

I'm seriously confused as I think she's lying but I cannot say 100% and may be throwing away a chance of happiness with her if she can change. If she's been having an affair (if she has I'm pretty sure it will have been going on since before Christmas last year) I don't want her anyway as I don't think I'd be able to trust her again and that is not what I want for my life. On the other hand IF she is telling the truth we could get past some flirting and potentially get closer than ever for it.

I really don't know where to go from here.

Thanks for all your replies so far everyone.

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Vincentstreet

Your wife used the time separated to try out the other guy. YOu are her fall back guy. Her security blanket. You can bet your life she had a physical affair. They always lie. Dont be fooled, you are too much of a nice guy. Dont even bother therapy. She has no respect for you.

Divorce and find someone who will give you the respect you deserve.

 

You want the truth.. try polygraph. Just ask.. and see her reaction. but dont warn her, Ask her if she would do one, likely she could even say yes as a deterrent... to trick you into thinking she is actually being truthful... but dont be fooled, tell you have actually planned one and tell her you can drive her there right now. Then see the reaction... the anger and shock of how absurd your request is...

 

There has to be consequences or you will find yourself here again... like many other have

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Is she still protecting her phone? Run some recovery software on it. If she won't let you..... Well there is your answer. This is not even about if she just cheated or not anymore. As your wife she should have no problem letting you into her phone. Any of this right to privacy **** went out the window at "I DO". If she can't even muster enough care to prove her fidelity and take this massive weight of your shoulder..... what does that tell you? What does that tell you about her priorities?

 

 

Honestly bud. Just tell her to **** off unless she starts being truthful. The honest truth is she probably went and test drove this other dude and found out it didn't work or he wouldn't commit. So she came back to you, because she is too pathetic to live on her own. She isnt wife material. This whole time has been you chssing her. Now see if she will chase you and do whats necessary to keep you.

 

 

 

Beating an affair and a wayward is counter intuitive. most people will try to show the wayward how special the wayward is. How beautiful they are. How awesome they are. How in love they are with the wayward. Problem is that only boosts the wayward thought process. It tells them they are the catch. That their spouse is the loser who pines for them. It empowers them. I'm not telling you to strip her down. Berate her. Abuse her or devalue her. I'm just telling you to value yourself enough to not accept this crap. It's pathetic. No insult intended.

 

 

I know she has probably spouted some bull**** about you not appreciating her or loving her enough. Unless you can truly look inward and admit that you where a terrible husband it simply isn't true and is more likely just her excuse. She can't exactly say straight out say she wanted to test drive another man can she? Oh god what kind of judgment would that get? Everyone would see her for true person she is.

 

 

Also I know you say she is such a caring person...... buddy.... that can be faked. Some of the worst people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing where the seemingly kindest people alive. But they were NOT. You see their kindness wasn't about helping others. It was all about thier image. And image is BIG for these types of people. But here's the thing. Kind people don't lose kindness all of a sudden. They don't do things like this. This isn't normal stuff. Twisted people do this. This is more likely her true self peaking through.

 

 

 

 

 

What needs to be done is showing how special YOU are. How amazing YOU are. How strong YOU are. Show them they are not the center of the universe because I can assure you they truly already believe they are the center of the universe. A spouse that chases a wayward is pathetic in EVERYONE'S EYES. ESPECIALLY the wayward eyes.

 

 

 

Go work out. Eat healthy. Dress better. Look out for yourself. Show them they NEED YOU. and hey.... if it doesn't work, you are already on the road to improving and bettering you life!

 

 

Stop trying to prove how much you love her. I can assure you she already knows. She derives pleasure and power from that knowledge. Take that from her. Take back power. A sniveling love sick puppy isn't sexy. Isn't attractive. Isn't manly.

 

 

 

The man who says "enough of your bull****. I'm better than this. You're acting like a fool and I refuse to be a part of this!" Is super sexy. Super manly. Super powerful. Women pine for men like that. Not sniveling beggars. Not negoitiaters. Men don't negotiate. Boys beg. Boys compromise basic integral things. Negotiating the colors of the drapes. Fine. Negotiating what is acceptable of a spouse and negotiating wether the wayward would deem you acceptable...... Not manly. Not powerful. I know buddy. All conventional knowledge tells men to give in. To be ultra loving and chill. To be push overs. To love so hard it hurts. To compromise and accept crap. Wanna guess who is saying all that crap???!!! WOMEN!!!! Women who got burned by the "alpha males". Thing is the truly desire the alpha. Just one who sticks around. One that doesn't dip his dick in anything that breathes. They just don't believe an alpha can be anything other than a womanizing piece of ****. They are wrong!!! You can be alpha AND a stand up guy. It's a balancing act but its doable.

 

 

 

As it is your wife thinks her mere presence is enough to keep you. PROVE HER WRONG!!! She either becomes the wife you want... or she gets to be someone else's wife.

 

 

Oh and if you think for a second she wasn't cheating you are deluding yourself. She has so many red flags she may as well set up shop and start selling them.

 

 

All of the loving her and financing her and chasing her can come back into play only after SHE has proved herself worthy. NOT YOU.

Edited by Adotta
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All of the loving her and Romancing her and chasing her can come back into play only after SHE has proved herself worthy. NOT YOU.

 

 

Fixed. Damn auto correct. Although you should probably stop financing her as much as possible as well.

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