How to trust fWW again?

[Orokotikki]

Interested to hear BHs talk about developing trust in their fWW? What are some of the things they did that helped you?

 

We are a little over 1 yr in R after her affair, and it seems like some very small things can set me off with anxiety building up during the day until I get home from work. Maybe that's not that unusual?

[Marc878]

It’s up to her to restore your trust in her.

 

You can’t do it

[40somethingGuy]

Interested to hear BHs talk about developing trust in their fWW? What are some of the things they did that helped you?

 

We are a little over 1 yr in R after her affair, and it seems like some very small things can set me off with anxiety building up during the day until I get home from work. Maybe that's not that unusual?

 

 

Honestly having access to her phone, the phone bills, her email, and GPS on her is the only way I began to develop a little trust. 2.5 years later I am still hurt and scarred. I realize that will never go away. It helps she hates her AP now that he completely threw her under the bus and told me a ton that she cannot deny. If you stay, you likely feel now and always will have feelings of wishing this never happened (un-ring the bell) so you could love her the way you once did. That is gone forever. She is always going to be tainted. It is very common that stupid things set you off and you feel upset over what happened. Sometimes posts on here reading up on someone else's experience will set me off.

 

 

One thing that did give me a little hope was last week when she was telling me about going to lunch with a guy in her office whom she always described like an older brother. He is 20 years older and once when I knew they were going to lunch (always to same place) I spied on them from the parking lot and it there was nothing there. Still, when she was telling me about lunch last week I said something like 'so, do you both use boundaries when you go out? ' She calmly said, 'Yes, he is like my older brother and I do understand your concern based on what happened in the past.' It was like she understood that the freely trusting H was gone and she knew she caused that. I will never apologize for how I handle this. And many times I feel I could have sent her a better message on and around D day. I was not ready to give up but now I just feel that a part of me died and will not come back. No matter what she says and does.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are a little over 1 yr in R after her affair, and it seems like some very small things can set me off with anxiety building up during the day until I get home from work.

 

What kind of small things?

 

Mr. Lucky

[NotCamelot]

After D-Day, my FWW and I started carpooling to work (separate jobs, same work schedule). We pass her work on the way to mine - drop her off and pick her up. HER IDEA.

 

 

She has a morning and afternoon 15 minute break. She started, and still does, call me for the entire 15 mins each time. HER IDEA.

 

 

We go to lunch together every work day. HER IDEA.

 

 

For the first 4 years, she did not go anywhere without me. HER IDEA.

 

 

These 4 things were of major help. I never wondered where she was or who she was talking to. And again, these were of her doing. There was no discussion that these things would happen. She just started doing them.

 

 

 

That may be too much for a lot of people. I have some of my work friends ask why we do this.....the guys think it is way too much.....the women at work say "How sweet".

 

 

 

But, it would not have meant anything if I had asked or demanded these things. Whatever works for you will have to come from her. It is up to her to prove that she is "back" and can be trusted. You should not have to do anything but be the receiver.

 

 

I can tell you that it takes a lot of work and time. It will not happen overnight. It is still very early for you right now. There are going to be a lot of rough times in the future, but IT CAN BE DONE IF YOU BOTH WANT IT.

[Mrs._December]

Honestly having access to her phone, the phone bills, her email, and GPS on her is the only way I began to develop a little trust. 2.5 years later I am still hurt and scarred..

Quite honestly, none of these things mean anything, anymore.

 

That's what burner phones are for. And NEW secret email addresses and NEW hidden profiles on social media sites and if they don't get a burner phone, then they can download and use chat/texting apps that run on WiFi and don't leave a trace on your cell bill. And thanks to a myriad of apps available that will hide whatever apps you want hidden on your cell phone, a betrayed spouse can sit and through their cheater's phone until the cows come home and they STILL won't find that active KiK app or Snapchat, etc. etc. etc. And some cheaters have even used the chat feature in online game apps to keep in touch with their affair partners.

 

And as far as the GPS? Cheaters have been known to leave their cell phones right at work or in their cars in an area they SHOULD be in and have had their affair partners pick them up and off they'd go, with you thinking they're right at work. Cheaters are sneaky as hell. You'll find that out.

 

As the others have said - it's HER job to rebuild trust. Not yours.

[Chaparral]

You will always be wary of her. That’s a good thing. You will be wary of everyone and that’s also a good thing. It’s agood thing because you should not have been so trusting in the first place. Your trust is what helped her conceal the affair until she got sloppy.

 

That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy it just means you now know reality, what other people are willing to do t you for their own interests.

 

Odds are the longer you go on the less you will like your wife. In my case I decided I would be happier without her. It took two years. I think it took that long just to sink in that she could actually do what she did. No sale.

[Orokotikki]

Very good post replies, some of these she has done on her own, others I wish she had, a few happened due to MC brainstorming. Please if people could post more.

 

As for tech Mrs. December is right, so all the password sharing she does does settle me much.

 

As for the small things, it is mostly whenever we are apart, there was a very small thing this week, but to be honest, since she knows I post here it is not something I want to mention but will anyway.

 

This past week there was a day she normally works from home but told me a few days before she would have to go in for a meeting part of the day (GPS showed she did go to work, phone was in building and she answered texts from me during that time), but I noticed on Google photos she took 2 selfies in car as she left for work but were deleted from phone later that day, also the day was known to be POSOM's normal day off during the A.

[S2B]

Deleting anything from her phone after she cheated would be a big red flag for me.

 

If she isn't PROVING that she's NOT cheating - then assume she's finding ways to be sneaky.

 

 

Regaining trust is earned - she's not earning it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I noticed on Google photos she took 2 selfies in car as she left for work but were deleted from phone later that day, also the day was known to be POSOM's normal day off during the A.

 

Boy, my wife deletes about 90% of the selfies she takes, they’re not up to her lofty standards. To me they look great, but what do I know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

How do people prove a negative? OK, I'm not cheating. I'm going to prove that. Heh.

 

I guess I did my version. Introduced W and AP and let them hash it out. The ultimate in independent verification

[Marc878]

There's a saying once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Even though they may never cheat again. The capability and label is there.

 

It's not healthy to spend your life being her warden.

 

If she wants to cheat she'll find a way and you nor anyone else could stop her.

 

Let it go and if she can't/won't make you feel safe with her find another.

 

There are good quality women out there.

 

There is no one and only, soulmate. There are many that could fill that bill.

[bigman1]

Interesting question. I imagine the answer depends on the type of affair and reason therefore.

 

If she had one AP, well, that ride is over. She had one object of her affection, got as much as she could, went thru withdrawal, saw what she had to lose and now she is done.

 

If she had more than one, probably gotta keep her on watch to feel better. Feeling better does not mean she's safe, it just means you FEEL better trusting her.

 

In the end, she had it in her to cheat, so she can do it again. At some point, you gotta trust. That comes with the territory when you reconcile. No two ways about it, to R means you have to trust a cheater not to cheat again. That is why I say that it depends on the type of affair and the reason for it. Maybe not trust around her AP, you know the whole NC thing. That does not work as much with serial cheaters because anyone is a potential AP.

[usa1ah]

You will never truly be over what she has done to you and the relationship.

[TheRainbow]

When I asked my husband how he could trust me after everything I had done to him. His response was he trusted me enough, because he couldn't live looking over his shoulder. He'd just have to look for signs, and he said this time around, my last chance essentially that he wouldn't ignore any red flags. Because I have cheated enough that he says it'll be obvious. He also has access to my phone, emails, social media, etc. if he needs too. I don't know if he has or not, but the option is there.

[RecentChange]

Alright, I cheated, and I have worked hard to regain my husband’s trust.

 

Here are a few things:

 

Read Linda Macdonald’s good “ how to heal your spouse” and used it as my bible.

 

Passwords to all devices etc of course.

 

Checking in CONSTANTLY- “getting off of work” getting off the train, just got home etc - often with selfies showing what I am up to.

 

Going out with out him. Stopped completely, no girls nights, no cocktail hour with coworkers etc.

 

His wish - my command. Sexual etc.

 

Being astute to all triggers and avoiding them like the plague. And taking responsibility for them when they do happen.

 

Those are the practical things. Of course there were the emotional things. True remorse. Identifying and acknowledging the charter flaws that got me there. A lot of humility and hard work.

 

And of course time. 3+ Years out I can tell he isn’t as triggered these days.

[TheRainbow]

Read Linda Macdonald’s good “ how to heal your spouse” and used it as my bible.

 

I've heard a lot about this book. I've been told I shouldn't get it from one person (not in this forum) because I'm a serial cheater, and my husband is co-dependent. It doesn't make much sense, but I haven't for that reason.

[RecentChange]

I've heard a lot about this book. I've been told I shouldn't get it from one person (not in this forum) because I'm a serial cheater, and my husband is co-dependent. It doesn't make much sense, but I haven't for that reason.

 

Read it. There is even a cliff notes version. Just because you are a cheater, and he is codependent (my relationship has some of the same qualities), doesn’t mean you can’t learn and grow.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think one of the good case studies would be that of Mrs. John Adams and her husband. Of course hers was a one off episode of cheating but for her and her husband it was serious enough to merit all the steps they took to repair and heal their marriage. According to her even after thirty three or more yeas their reconciliation is on going. It may be worth the OP"s while to go back and read their story or at least an abbreviated version of it. Sadly, Mrs. Adams has not been posting recently or she could have given a synopsis of her story herself.

 

To my mind true remorse displayed unabashedly by the WS continuously over an extended period of time is probably the only true means of regaining a large part of the lost trust that a BS has to deal with, along with displaying a significant degree of vulnerability on the WS"s part in the context of their BS. This is difficult no doubt but then infidelity is like a nuclear explosion. The effects last a long long time. Best wishes.

[Jamess1]

What does this feeling of distrust mean ? It's alerting you of the nature of existence, you have betrayed the essence of your being by remaining with a woman who doesn't want to be with you - you have stagnated your growth and buffered the pain necessary for your growth...you hold on to the familiarity,comfort and mediocre that this lie doeth bringeth..

 

There is only one thing to do, end the relationship -if you didn't and still can't ask yourself why ? And be brutally honest with yourself...don't lie to yourself like most men do - I still loved her, or I did it for the kids...

 

Then grow, then create the reality you want, make the changes you have to make for the reality you want ...you are a man..

 

But you can go the easy way...and try to find ways of trusting a woman who cheating on you! You can measure a man by the type of questions he asks/problems he entertains...

 

You should be asking me how do I attract/date loyal, young,talented and quality women in my life...how can I improve my game...the best gym program for a man my age...etc

[DKT3]

Here is the thing, you should never blindly trust anyone. No doubt many people do.

 

It's been over a decade since my wife had her affair, her actions and behavior now say I can trust her. The key is, I know I cant control it or her. She is going to do what she wants. I can only react to her actions. That in itself creates a level of comfort.

 

If her actions and behavior is consistent you will gain a level of trust that you can be comfortable with, will it be the level it once was? Doubtful.

[S2B]

I've heard a lot about this book. I've been told I shouldn't get it from one person (not in this forum) because I'm a serial cheater, and my husband is co-dependent. It doesn't make much sense, but I haven't for that reason.

 

Read anything that may give you new ideas about how to offer up peace of mind on a silver platter to your husband.