Wife caught cheating after six months at new job

[mmac90]

Wife of 10 years got a new job as a supervisor at a local casino. It easy six months later I started getting suspicious, she works nights but her schedule was very inconsistent coming home at all different times, bruises on her thighs redoing her whole "motif" hiding her phone putting a password etc you get my drift. Well she admitted to cheating were trying to work through it but she refuses to go to counseling or even apologize. She said she knows it was wrong but its just words. Also I don't know what you all think but I NEED details, which she won't give me any. Idk what to do. We have 2 young children and 10 years of time.

[BaileyB]

Is the affair over?

 

Has she quit her job?

 

I don’t know how you can work through it when your wife refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, apologize, or work to reconcile the marriage by going to counselling.

 

I’m sorry to say it because there are children involved here, but there is no way that I would stay in a marriage with an unrepentant cheater. No way.

[FMW]

You have the right to need what you need. So if you want details, then you have a right to ask for them.

 

The problem is it doesn't sound like she's willing to give anything, including an apology. She doesn't sound repentant and that makes it likely she'll cheat again.

[kgcolonel]

mmac....just from the little bit you provided, she's still cheating....

 

She's not remorseful, she's not too concerned as to how it made you feel, she's not too concerned about the children and destroying their family...

 

What is you day to day interaction like?

 

Is she still doing the things that set off your radar?

 

Is this a deal breaker for you? If so, have you told her that?

 

You stated that she says that she's sorry but it was only words...I am assuming you were referring to the apology and not that this was an emotional affair (EA).

 

What is your relationship like before and after....

 

 

These are all questions that would help those on here help you more than we can with the limited details....

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.... my sympathies.

 

Is your wife still working at the casino? Was her affair partner also working there?

 

How long ago was disclosure/end of affair?

 

One thing to consider if you're a picture brain guy and this was a PA. Trust me, there are some details you probably won't have a good time with. Once an image is burned into your brain it rarely will go away over time. Every time you lay down with her, or even show affection to her, you may have a flashback. I understand the desire for details. Just think the specificity of them through.

 

If she's resistent to reasonable requests for a recovery process, file for divorce, serve her at the casino where she works and in the filing request 100% custody of the children. Shock and awe.

 

The sad news is, in today's legal climate in the US, a woman can have affairs, get at least 50% custody and clean her husband out financially without any penalty at all. What she's done is horrific to your M but matters not in the legal aspects of the partnership in nearly every jurisdiction in the US. Of course, if you live elsewhere in the world, things vary.

 

I remember vividly an example of a 'cleanout' and it wasn't even a divorce, yet, rather a MW who wanted some 'insurance'. I was with her at the bank when she withdrew a low five figure amount in cash from the ranch bank account because she was leaving for a 'break'. That was nearly 30 years ago so that was no insignificant sum. She did because she could as a married spouse. Keep that in mind in your situation.

 

Good luck!

[Chaparral]

From what you have said there is no chance of this working. She isn’t remorseful and she is doing anything right to save her marriage. With her attitude she has probably cheated before.

 

DNA test your kids mostly to show her you have zero faith in her. One poster on another sight found two of his three kids weren’t his biologically although they looked like him.

 

Find the best attorney you can afford, you may get 100% custody. If she sees the light you will get advice if you think you can stay married to her. Only 15% of men stay married in this situation.

[sabaton]

Wife of 10 years got a new job as a supervisor at a local casino. It easy six months later I started getting suspicious, she works nights but her schedule was very inconsistent coming home at all different times, bruises on her thighs redoing her whole "motif" hiding her phone putting a password etc you get my drift. Well she admitted to cheating were trying to work through it but she refuses to go to counseling or even apologize. She said she knows it was wrong but its just words. Also I don't know what you all think but I NEED details, which she won't give me any. Idk what to do. We have 2 young children and 10 years of time.

 

 

Why do you need details? What for? For the divorce lawyer? She cheated on you. Doesn't matter if it was one time, with one guy, or with other guys, or with women. She cheated on you. The marriage vows were broken. It's done and over with. Get an attorney and file for divorce and make sure you get custody of your children.

 

 

But before fighting for custody of your children, buy yourself a DNA Kit and figure out if your kids are actually your own. You don't want to end up paying child-support for 18 years for 2 kids that might not even be yours. I was reading the newspapers over here, and there was a guy who found at when the kid was 15 that the girl wasn't his, and he took it to the court, and the judge ruled that emotionally and psychologically he was the girl's father, and he had to keep paying.

 

 

It took him 2 years or so in the courtrooms to get the judge to revert the decision and to get the girl's mother to pay him for what she did to him $$

Edited November 5, 2018 by sabaton

[mmac90]

yeah she's yeah she's transferred and I'm pretty positive the affair is over she showed remorse for it several times but still never had an actual apology want to make it work because we do love each other but the fact that I can't get a single detail as of what happened honestly pisses me off I don't feel like it's fair

[sabaton]

yeah she's yeah she's transferred and I'm pretty positive the affair is over she showed remorse for it several times but still never had an actual apology want to make it work because we do love each other but the fact that I can't get a single detail as of what happened honestly pisses me off I don't feel like it's fair

 

Nah. She's remorseful over the fact of getting caught. If it wasn't for you having your doubts about your marriage and investigating what she was up to - she'd be still having sex with that guy. Or with several other guys.

 

Someone who loves you isn't going to cheat on you. Words are just words and feelings at the end of the day are just feelings, but she made a legal bound when she married you, and she broke that.

 

What details do you even want in the first place? She cheated on you. She slept with another man. She let herself be touched by a man that wasn't you. What do you want to know more?

[mmac90]

I know the the kids are mine 100% I wouldn't want to take the kids from her because she's a great mother and it's not like that. before we had a tumultuous relationship mostly due to my addiction but I went through rehab been clean for 6 years and since then it's been pretty great our day-to-day interactions are positive for the most part we have a healthy sex life Healthy Home life other than this really a pretty solid marriage. full disclosure I did cheat in the past myself 2 years into our marriage we worked through it and everything has been copecetic since until this. We are religious people and my wife is honest to a fault until this. I'm nearly certain she hasn't cheated before and isn't any longer. ( I know she isn't anymore bc of surveillance)

[BMI03]

I know the the kids are mine 100% I wouldn't want to take the kids from her because she's a great mother and it's not like that. before we had a tumultuous relationship mostly due to my addiction but I went through rehab been clean for 6 years and since then it's been pretty great our day-to-day interactions are positive for the most part we have a healthy sex life Healthy Home life other than this really a pretty solid marriage. full disclosure I did cheat in the past myself 2 years into our marriage we worked through it and everything has been copecetic since until this. We are religious people and my wife is honest to a fault until this. I'm nearly certain she hasn't cheated before and isn't any longer. ( I know she isn't anymore bc of surveillance)

 

It may be worth sharing a bit about how you worked through your instance of cheating 8 years ago. Here's why...

 

Her reluctance to share details with you, or even apologize for that matter, will make it difficult for you to move forward. Some here say 'what does it matter, all you need to know is that she cheated'. That's correct if the direction you are going is divorce, and cheating has been your deal breaker. But that doesn't work if you want to consider reconciling.

 

In order to truly reconcile, she needs to be truly remorseful, and you need to hear, see, and feel that remorse in order to truly forgive her. Only through that remorse and forgiveness will you find true trust and enjoyment in your relationship again.

 

Without remorse, and without even knowing exactly what it is you are forgiving (the 'details' important to you), then you can't truly forgive. I said it here the other day in another post...if your friend told you "Dude, I am sorry, I really did you wrong and f**ked you up on something on purpose. Can you please forgive me?", and you answered "What did you do?" and he said "Ah, nevermind. Forgive me?", there is no way you could truly forgive. You have NO idea what you are forgiving. So how could you ever move forward.

 

Maybe you want to keep the friendship (in my example) so bad, you say "Yes, I forgive you" just as a desperate means to bring the relationship back to normal. That's ok for the here and now, but it will not resolve things long term. It's 'rug sweeping' and refusing to actually deal with the problem at hand. You will never trust that friend again, and always wonder what exactly he did. You will want to protect yourself, and because you don't know the details, you will not be entirely sure how to protect yourself. So you will distance your heart and emotions. You will harden your heart. You will little by little let your resentment grow and justify your disconnecting. You will have gotten your 'normal' back from a day-to-day sense in that you still hang out and still do the fun things you liked...on the surface maybe not even seem all that phased by it...happy even to be back into the normal routine. But on the inside your resentment is building and you are emotionally broken.

 

So I ask about your past cheating and how that was handled, because if it wasn't handled right, maybe this is where your wife was mentally. That in and of itself is not a justification for her cheating...that is her own bad decision...but it may be an point of clarity that the happy marriage you thought you were in, and the love you thought you shared, was only so on your side but perhaps not hers. Because her being so unremorseful and unwilling to meet your needs to heal at this stage don't point to someone who cares about how they have impacted someone they love.

 

Good luck and let us know how this develops.

[mmac90]

Also... She cheated with a woman. Some people have told me that's no Big deal. But that's BS. idc if its a man or woman its the same. It hurts just as bad. Just more insight into the situation. Also we moved past my affair with counseling and I was grilled by her for every detail for months and I gave her what she seeked. Also details matter bc my imagination is running wild and id rather face the truthful pain than live another moment with my mind filling in the blanks.

[Mr. Lucky]

full disclosure I did cheat in the past myself 2 years into our marriage we worked through it and everything has been copecetic since until this. We are religious people and my wife is honest to a fault until this. I'm nearly certain she hasn't cheated before and isn't any longer. ( I know she isn't anymore bc of surveillance)

 

Religious or not, you've got a multi-layered minefield of a marriage.

 

I don't see any mention of marriage counseling. It might have been time 8 years age, certainly past due time now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Also... She cheated with a woman. Some people have told me that's no Big deal. But that's BS. idc if its a man or woman its the same. It hurts just as bad. Just more insight into the situation. Also we moved past my affair with counseling and I was grilled by her for every detail for months and I gave her what she seeked. Also details matter bc my imagination is running wild and id rather face the truthful pain than live another moment with my mind filling in the blanks.

Did you know your wife was bi-sexual?

 

I know one MW personally who's shared she's been with both men and women in A situations. Her H was decidedly not happy about the man but I didn't hear any negative feedback about the woman. In fact, apparently, she said, the woman, a confirmed lesbian, had slept (not sex) with both her and H on a number of occasions.

 

If you believe the bi-sexual contact is inappropriate, it is.

 

TBH, I'd only stay in this, after reading the updates, if the confluence of children and lifestyle tip the balance and you and she can process out the A's and live with a modicum of peace. Else, get a D and deal with co-parenting and move on.

 

My example is older and their children are long adults but I told her the same thing. If she and H can't process out their A's to a neutral point of acceptance, it'll just simmer below the surface into their senior years. The healthy intimacy will be gone.

[BMI03]

Also... She cheated with a woman. Some people have told me that's no Big deal. But that's BS. idc if its a man or woman its the same. It hurts just as bad. Just more insight into the situation. Also we moved past my affair with counseling and I was grilled by her for every detail for months and I gave her what she seeked. Also details matter bc my imagination is running wild and id rather face the truthful pain than live another moment with my mind filling in the blanks.

 

How did you find out? Does what she described line up with the bruising on her thighs you mentioned? Call me naive in the ways of W-W interaction but the comment on bruising made me think male...just want to make sure you are conscious of what she tells you potentially being misinformation also, vs. what you validate on your own.

[mmac90]

She came clean after confronted she forgot to erase messages and I snooped also it was confirmed through the OW roommate who unbeknown to them I've known since grade school

[carhill]

Strap-on and BDSM gear can cause bruising in FoF sex, as one example. While we males often think of women as gentle creatures, both straight and lesbian women can get pretty aggressive in sex. The straight ones though get aggressive with men and we don't bruise as easily, generally, as women do. Heck, my 85 yo mother about decked me with a kick to the balls when she was in one of her psychotic rages. I was amazed how strong she was, ravaged by dementia. No illusions.

 

Cosign misinformation. If selling a FoF deal is more palatable and likely to save face or advance the plan, that's the deal. It could be true, sure. Verifiable correspondence would likely seal the deal.

 

The danger is getting to into the details and losing sight of the big picture, the marriage. IDK, strap in, it's going to be a long ride.

[mmac90]

I know she's Bi we've had several females join us in the bedroom in the past. I'm positive it was a FoF affair as I've done a fair amount of digging and fact checking. I just don't really know where to go from here we be been talking this AM and she's just now agreed to counseling and answering my questions but only in a professional setting. I need her to know that our home is a safe place to be honest abd that what she tells me is to help me heal and not to be used as ammo against her

[DKT3]

You have to understand, when you start bringing others into your relationship it's an easy jump for one spouse to split off and have something on the side. Its likely that because you've been ok with having others together that going in, she felt this wasn't really a betrayal. Thus she hasn't apologized.

 

Example a couple sets a $300 dollar spending limit before discussing it with the other. Then one day the wife sees something on sale for $500 and buys it without talking to the husband.

 

I'm not making light of the situation or excuses, just trying to explain how she could have viewed this.

[mmac90]

na we've had detailed conversations about that very thing the lines were very clear on what constituted cheating and what didn't per that subject she hasn't tried to use that as an excuse because she knows that would be a b******* cop out.. I could see that being a gray area and could understand it if we had not have been so detailed before that began. Just so if this situation did arise neither one of us could use that as an excuse

[Estes]

Also... She cheated with a woman. Some people have told me that's no Big deal. But that's BS

 

 

She wasn't penetrated by another man's penis. It's not great but it's better.

[doyathinkso]

I know the the kids are mine 100%

 

You ... Don't .... Know .... That!

 

Get a DNA kit and swab the kids and yourself and send it in.

 

At the very least it will show her how very seriously you take this. That is, if you do. You do? Don't you?

[DKT3]

na we've had detailed conversations about that very thing the lines were very clear on what constituted cheating and what didn't per that subject she hasn't tried to use that as an excuse because she knows that would be a b******* cop out.. I could see that being a gray area and could understand it if we had not have been so detailed before that began. Just so if this situation did arise neither one of us could use that as an excuse

 

Having the discussion doesn't mean she still didn't feel like "it's not that bad" her attitude as you describe it proves that.

[BaileyB]

She wasn't penetrated by another man's penis. It's not great but it's better.

 

Really? It is still a betrayal of their marriage... Does it really make a difference if it was a man or a woman?

 

Another who thinks it's time you found a good marriage counsellor. Addiction, both partners have had affairs, bisexual wife and previous history of threesomes... This is a complicated list of issues you have dealt with in your marriage...

 

If you are religious, perhaps you should seek counsel in the church.

[BettyDraper]

From what you have said there is no chance of this working. She isn’t remorseful and she is doing anything right to save her marriage. With her attitude she has probably cheated before.

 

DNA test your kids mostly to show her you have zero faith in her. One poster on another sight found two of his three kids weren’t his biologically although they looked like him.

 

Find the best attorney you can afford, you may get 100% custody. If she sees the light you will get advice if you think you can stay married to her. Only 15% of men stay married in this situation.

 

Oh my goodness! Some women are so disgusting.

 

OP, a remorseless cheater doesn't deserve a spouse.