The Cheating Wife

[Johnwhite]

I've been married for 21 years. This is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 4 1/2 years. I'm 51 my wife is 45. I'm not sure if I'm writing this to help all you other folks or to just vent. But it's heart breaking to read I'm not the only person in the world going through this. About a year ago I found out my wife was running around with a guy she hooked with on Facebook.

 

Someone she knew from her past. And this had been going on for nearly a year. He apparently dumped her. Or I'm pretty sure she would have left with him when I found out. It destroyed me I just about went out of my mind because I loved her. I consider myself a good husband. I've never cheated on her. I work and she's never had to. I don't have a drug or alcohol problem. I don't have a gambling problem or stay out on her.

 

I support and love my family. But im sure I have not been as supportive in many ways as I should have due to the stress of always working. But there has never been a single gap in our sex life. And here I find myself today still married to her. I wonder why and how everyday. I'm a fool I know this I should have left her. We have two kids I kept them in mind and it's helped. Do I trust her? Not even slightly! Do I have that faith in her I once had? Nope it's gone! Do I love her? I wonder about that everyday.

 

There was once a time no woman in the world could have come between us. But now I have my doubts and I feel like she removed that barrier when she let go. In truth it wouldn't take much to be pushed. One wrong signal and I could open the door and walk out and never come back to her. But the pain folks it never ends it does hurt less it just hurts in a different way.

Edited November 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Infidelity

[S2B]

Have you gone to individual therapy? Counseling with your wife?

 

Has your wife done things to try and earn your trust back?

 

How long ago did her affair end?

 

 

How is the emotional connection been over the years with her?do you two connect mentally on any deep level?

 

Have you considered having her work? If the kids are older (high school) it can be good if she's working - especially if you someday decide to end the marriage - you will benefit monetarily if she earning income... but it also occupies her time so she doesn't have as much time to roam...

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...... my sympathies...

 

How did you find out, especially to confirm that he dumped her? That's kind of hard to verify. She could tell you, sure, but people in general can lie when it benefits them in some way. No idea here but verifying details you have interest in is important to moving forward. This may or may not be one of them.

 

What was her response when confronted with what you found out? How did she respond to questions you asked, presuming you did? Did she share that the A had been going on a year or did you find that out in other ways?

 

Since the man in question was a man from her past, was he a friend, lover, acquaintance, what?

 

How are things between you now, today?

 

I'd suggest, presuming you want to continue the M, to work the apparent past affair. Get familiar with the phrase 'trickle truth'.

 

The desire to even the score may come to you. I noted that in your last statements. Plenty of people do. IMO, it merely lengthens recovery time, or can destroy the recovery path with a whole new set of problems.

 

Lastly, kind of personal, but what impelled you to check into things? Behavior change, sex style change, personal hygiene, what?

 

I remember when I was young a friend discovered his wife was cheating and his first tip-off, he told me, was how she smelled and her underwear, since he usually did the laundry. I ran into the same thing in my M, no clues otherwise, but behavior changed and I often noticed an odd odor when performing cunnilingus. Not normal female stuff. More like semen. I had other issues going on at the time due to caregiving so didn't really put two and two together until well after the divorce. I thought it odd that my exW would be living with a new guy before the D was final as she'd historically been very guarded of her personal space (it was her house he moved into) during and prior to our M.

 

Anyway, if you all want to reconcile, forget about revenge affairs/ONS/whatever, and put a recovery plan together with a competent MC who specializes in infidelity. Carve out a significant chunk of cash and figure 2-5 years minimum. It won't happen overnight, if it happens at all. You may always be in recovery. Best wishes.

[Jamess1]

I've been married for 21 years. This is my second marriage.

What lesson did you learn about women and relatiobships after..?

My first marriage lasted 4 1/2 years. I'm 51 my wife is 45. I'm not sure if I'm writing this to help all you other folks or to just vent. But it's heart breaking to read I'm not the only person in the world going through this. About a year ago I found out my wife was running around with a guy she hooked with on Facebook.

 

Someone she knew from her past. And this had been going on for nearly a year. He apparently dumped her. Or I'm pretty sure she would have left with him when I found out.

Why are you still in love with a woman who doesn't consider you as her plan A, but her plan B

It destroyed me I just about went out of my mind because I loved her.

No it's not love, it's a lack of viable options, hence a lack of confidence-if you had more options you wouldn't have stayed

I consider myself a good husband. I've never cheated on her. I work and she's never had to. I don't have a drug or alcohol problem. I don't have a gambling problem or stay out on her.

Good observation, but what does it mean ? What do you learn about women from it ? : Attraction has nothing to do with been good, women are not attracted to men or loyal to men just because they are good, in fact research has shown that women are divorcing good and loving husbands, more than they ever do abusive men. Woman can not appreciate the sacrifices and the good you did in her life, they lack the ability to do so...all that 'good husband ' staff won't stop her from cheating,this fact is not based on what they say (which is the opposite) but observations of their behavior (aka cheating on her good, loyal, loving husband aka you). The guy she cheated on is a bad boy from her past who she always thought about all the years she has being married to you..

I support and love my family. But im sure I have not been as supportive in many ways as I should have due to the stress of always working.

Stupid statement, so you think the guy she cheated on you with is more 'supportive than you! She didn't cheat on you because you where not supportive of her; this tendency of always blaming yourself for your wifes infidelity is one of the reason she lost attraction for you and cheated;this inability to objectively hold a woman accountable for her actions as an adult she is'

But there has never been a single gap in our sex life.

It was duty sex, sex she did to keep you from complaining and suspecting her affairs, women long for validation sex: sex with a man who respects himself and who she also respects

And here I find myself today still married to her. I wonder why and how everyday. I'm a fool I know this I should have left her.

She knew before she cheated, and after you caught her, that you wouldn't dump/divorce her, because she is the prize, women are attracted to and faithful to a man of value, who will immediately dump them for any infidelity, a man who knows and appreciates his worth to a deserving woman

We have two kids I kept them in mind and it's helped. Do I trust her? Not even slightly!

Don't saty with a woman you don't trust and respect

Do I have that faith in her I once had? Nope it's gone! Do I love her? I wonder about that everyday.

There was once a time no woman in the world could have come between us. But now I have my doubts and I feel like she removed that barrier when she let go. In truth it wouldn't take much to be pushed. One wrong signal and I could open the door and walk out and never come back to her. But the pain folks it never ends it does hurt less it just hurts in a different way.

You are a man, you are your own 'signal' for the change you deserve..

 

You don't love and respect yourself, why do you even expect your wife to do so...you are substituting self-love with wife, family and children love, your current problem isn't external, it's a reflection of the state of your mind, your perceptions, idealism of what a marriage is,who women are, how marriage works, your priorities and identity as a man...when you renew your mind you will know what to do, and regain the power of your masculinity - and you will never be the same again: How do I know this ? At one time I was you...etc Get this book now, it will help you big time, thank me later..

[Chaparral]

It’s often said that it takes three to five years to get back to a fairly normal relationship with a cheater. Are you willing to sacrifice that amount of time?

 

What has your wife done to show real remorse and prove she is devastated by what she has done to her family? Who else knows what she has done?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm a fool I know this I should have left her. We have two kids I kept them in mind and it's helped. Do I trust her? Not even slightly! Do I have that faith in her I once had? Nope it's gone! Do I love her? I wonder about that everyday.

 

Sounds like you've rug-swept the affair and are left dealing with the resulting shortfalls. If this was at your wife's insistence in that she couldn't or wouldn't do the hard work involved in reconciliation, then her sense of entitlement remains. No wonder you don't trust her.

 

You'll have to give more information about what was done to recover from her infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Johnwhite]

Well folks I appreciate the advice but I didn't post here to be judged by people rather I'm Stupid or lacking self confidence and can't move on. Or if I'm confused and need people telling me what I should do. I posted to share what I'm going through just to let other people know they are not alone in this type of thing.

I found out by watching my wife guard her cell phone. I snatched it when she wasn't looking and went through everything. She covered about 90% of her tracks. The other 10% she didn't was enough to put it all together. Some things can't be deleted. I confronted her and she denied it. I showed her the facts and she admitted it after a good fight.

Why am I still with her? Well for one reason alone I still love her. I shouldn't but I do. And until my heart says it don't I'm here until it's over. It's just how I love someone. What you have to remember here is this is not up to anyone but yourself.

[carhill]

In fairness to the few replies received, this is a support and discussion forum and members, especially in the Infidelity areas, are generally very supportive of betrayed spouses and are also very knowledgeable about affairs.

 

However, thanks for clarifying that you're not seeking advice or assistance. We'll add your story to the tens of thousands of others here. Best wishes!

[Dreamer2017]

John,

 

What was your wife response and does she want to continue in the marriage?

 

What are your next steps?

 

Best,

Dreamer

[40somethingGuy]

Well folks I appreciate the advice but I didn't post here to be judged by people rather I'm Stupid or lacking self confidence and can't move on. Or if I'm confused and need people telling me what I should do. I posted to share what I'm going through just to let other people know they are not alone in this type of thing.

I found out by watching my wife guard her cell phone. I snatched it when she wasn't looking and went through everything. She covered about 90% of her tracks. The other 10% she didn't was enough to put it all together. Some things can't be deleted. I confronted her and she denied it. I showed her the facts and she admitted it after a good fight.

Why am I still with her? Well for one reason alone I still love her. I shouldn't but I do. And until my heart says it don't I'm here until it's over. It's just how I love someone. What you have to remember here is this is not up to anyone but yourself.

John, I think you are going through a lot of what I am going through. I stayed and my wife has been clean of affairs as I still do a good deal of spying. Despite that, 2 and a half years later, I still feel regrets that she got off too easy. I could have made her fight for me. I was confused and careful not to do something I would regret and with 2 small boys at home, they were at the center of my thoughts. I have come to realize there are scars that will never go away and she will always be tainted in my mind. That will never change. I say this as I am sure you hope the day comes when you feel again the way you once did fully loving and trusting her. That day isn't going to come. You have to decide if your new reality with your tainted wife is worth going forward. Did she have sex with him? How many details did she offer up? A lot of your decision should be made based upon how she handles herself after D Day.

[stillafool]

Well I can tell you the way you feel about your wife is the way most men feel after taking back their cheating wives. They say they have these "mind movies" of her having sex with the OM and they can't get it out of their minds. A lot of men just end up leaving in the end. She's blessed that you gave her another chance.

[S2B]

Well I can respect what you said that you wish to stay married to her... how do you expect to make this marriage work when she is hyper focused on someone outside your marriage?

 

That's a fair question to ask...

 

And how will you not swallow all your pride and self esteem in order to make this happen?

 

 

Yes, I'm worried about YOUR well being.

 

Have you gone to counseling? Would you consider going?

[pepperbird]

Why am I still with her? Well for one reason alone I still love her. I shouldn't but I do. And until my heart says it don't I'm here until it's over. It's just how I love someone. What you have to remember here is this is not up to anyone but yourself.

 

 

True enough, just please avoid the pitfall of blaming yourself for her actions.

 

 

 

 

Her choices are her own. That's actually a great thing, as what she does, she can change....if she really wants to.

[S2B]

Please write down what live looks like - and be certainyou still love her... or do you love who she used to be?

 

Or who you THOUGHT she WAS?

 

There's vast differences.

[Jamess1]

Well folks I appreciate the advice but I didn't post here to be judged by people rather I'm Stupid or lacking self confidence and can't move on. Or if I'm confused and need people telling me what I should do. I posted to share what I'm going through just to let other people know they are not alone in this type of thing.

I found out by watching my wife guard her cell phone. I snatched it when she wasn't looking and went through everything. She covered about 90% of her tracks. The other 10% she didn't was enough to put it all together. Some things can't be deleted. I confronted her and she denied it. I showed her the facts and she admitted it after a good fight.

Why am I still with her? Well for one reason alone I still love her. I shouldn't but I do. And until my heart says it don't I'm here until it's over. It's just how I love someone. What you have to remember here is this is not up to anyone but yourself.

 

"The hardest thing for a well meaning person to accept:

 

Most people don't want advice. They want confirmation of their feelings." Ed Latimore

[misspalmy]

can i ask why you put up with how she treated you? lots fish in the sea for you