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emotional infidelity, claims i am crazy and its nothing


BigdaddyJJ

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So I found out about a 2-year+ relationship that was going on with my partner of 20 years and her dads best friend. I knew they were in contact but not that they talked to each other more than we did. There were nights she told me she was too tired to text but stayed up writing him all night on many many occasions. She said she was 'his girl' many times in conversation.

 

Never had a clue about the time they spent and tabs kept on each other. Until I was emailed files with conversations from her and him 2+ years of history, My argument is those two were spending so much time together online its was taking away from our relationship.

And the fact they way they talked to each other was more loving and intimate than we ever talked. At the time this was going I was working on a drilling rig and gone away from work 2 weeks on 1 week off. When I first showed her the msgs she denied what was said in her msgs .

 

She said the msgs were photoshopped and she would never talk to the guy as he was unattractive and like a brother, I went and opened her tablet and took pictures of the actual conversation and as I was taking pics the entire conversation was deleted, But I had taken all the pics I needed, Since then she dropped the photoshop escape route, now they just say its taken the wrong way and trying to make me out to be the bad guy who is causing all this drama, When I showed her the messages originally she actually attacked me and bite me, then told me for the next hour how this was my fault and she had confided in him about my past addiction to painkillers.

 

I sat quietly as I did not want any more physical abuse that might wake the kids. She owned up for it at first and apologized but now she says she is only sorry for hurting my feelings and nothing went on, I will post some screenshots., its hard to make sense of things at times but one thing I know is she would never text me and if she did she was always too tired to talk or text. I went back on my text msgs and when she was saying she was too tired or not even responding to text msg she was chatting it up with him, and she bought him underwear and I guess that a normal thing to do for her and him, after all, I had no clue they talked more than once a week or even once a month.

 

At the beginning of the messenger, he admitted to always tell her dad how hot she was and he wanted to hook up, then chatting was that of two friends but it did not take long before the "do you miss me and love me" "I love you

more" etc

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Its obviously an EA, at least an EA. Especially due to her lying and extreme reaction. If you have a child with this woman get a paternity test.

 

Look, others will give you more detailed advice, but you need to get hard and tough fast. Don't believe anything she says and watch what she does.

 

Who sent you the messages?

 

Look 2 years or 20 - you need to not take this lying down. If you don't have kids and aren't married then I suggest you just dump her (sounds like you have kids together). Secure yourself financially - WS sometimes go crazy fast to leave you high n dry - don't wait to see IF she would or not - ensure that she can't.

 

An ASAP paternity test will let her know you ain't buying her BS and gaslighting - and hopefully they are yours (genetically). It will show her how she has destroyed trust.

 

Even if you want to reconcile, unless you want to put up with an unfaithful partner forever, you need to be willing to end the relationship in order for there to be anything worth saving.

 

Good luck and my prayers are with you.

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Yes 2 kids, and she did this before and we split up, she got engaged and came crawling back. I have known her for 28 years, and it's been tough! But I changed my life and those 2 years where she was emotionally involved (she denies ) was the two years I made it all happen. I did for us, the family! legit and working on an oil rig to give them everything I could. The person who emailed it was anonymous I had my suspicions on who did it but I am unsure of that now.

 

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I dont have many ppl to talk to so its like I am starting to think am I going crazy? They want to meet up with me but why? to convince their lie is the truth? I had no idea they were like that, or she was buying his underwear etc.

appreciate the response. All I know is if i was investing and talking to any women like that I would be hanged by my balls, I am not trying to convince anyone they slept together, but that is not even slightly ok behaviour to have.

 

She was emotionally unavailable when I was away from home and missing my family the most. It made it where I hated going to this job because how i was cut off and neglected at work. Every other guy's wife had ease talking everyday. ty again,

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They want to meet up with you? That's just really odd. I would probably be curious enough to go hear them out, but if you do go into it realizing you're probably going to hear a lot of bullxxxx.

 

I think you have all the information you need. There is no ambiguity, there is no explanation beyond she has been continually unfaithful to you. You are not crazy.

 

It's gut-wrenching and difficult.

 

I'm really curious, who sent you the conversation files? Did he do it anonymously because he wants to break you up?

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First off...I'm sorry you're going through this.. It sucks I know. I've been there.

 

As far as what's going on with your wife? When's the last time you and a friend of the family and of the opposite sex had a conversation where you tell each other over and over again you love and miss them? This is not "normal" friend of the family type communication. I was cheated on repeatedly during my marriage. I'm guessing that your being away so much is taking it's toll and she can't handle it but, rather than be honest with you, she is just going to continue doing this sort of thing. My ex-wife did the same thing. I used to travel extensively for business. It's hard on the marriage yes but, I still think she should have had the decency and integrity to let me know she was miserable. Instead she had an affair (and this is what your wife is doing by the way even if it hasn't yet progressed to a sexual affair). An emotional affair is every bit as devastating as a physical one and most will eventually get there given time.

 

I tried to save my marriage after the first affair. We did couples therapy for a year and individual therapy. I worked on all the issues I had and became a much more attentive father and husband. I traveled A LOT less and made an effort to be everything she complained that I wasn't. 7 years later.....she did it again. I filed for divorce within a week. It was brutal to go through but I don't regret it one bit.

 

FWIW...One thing that has never...ever failed me is my gut. If something doesn't feel right you will know it in your gut. Your intuition will warn you firmly that something's wrong or the story, her actions and behavior just don't add up. Listen to your gut and go with it.

 

My guess is that you already know.

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Yikes, take a look online at your phone bill.

 

That much communication with contact usually equal a physical affair.

 

We're "just friends" is the biggest lie told.

 

Cheaters lie a lot.

 

Have her do a polygraph.

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I'm concerned she attacked and actually bit you. This is not acceptable I would be careful going forward in case it happens again. You may want to want to look into carrying a VAR in case she tries to turns things around and accuses you off abuse.

 

 

If you do meet them do it in a public place, I'd definitely have a VAR, go with a list of questions that you want answered and don't let yourself be directed into other avenues of discussion/debate.

 

 

Are you sure it was only an EA? It's rare for adults who have the opportunity not to progress to PA.

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I think you have all the information you need. She is a repeat offender...

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

BigdaddyJJ, what else do you possibly need to know? She's cheated on you and lied to cover that relationship. People lie to protect what's important to them, so you've been informed how she sees him vs. you. And here's a hint - you're not in first place.

 

Especially with your job, you need someone you can trust and depend on. As I think you already know, it's not her...

 

Mr. Lucky

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They want to meet up with you? That's just really odd. I would probably be curious enough to go hear them out, but if you do go into it realizing you're probably going to hear a lot of bullxxxx.

 

I think you have all the information you need. There is no ambiguity, there is no explanation beyond she has been continually unfaithful to you. You are not crazy.

 

It's gut-wrenching and difficult.

 

I'm really curious, who sent you the conversation files? Did he do it anonymously because he wants to break you up?

 

Honestly, they want everyone to believe it was nothing. If you read the conversation over the years and see how it progressed and developed.

What I DO NOT understand is do they think I am stupid and can be convinced they were just friends. Why I will not meet him/her is they are trying to save face for everyone that is now involved who has not read there secret affair be it online or physical. The lies keep building up.

Why did she tell attack me and tell me exactly why she did this when I first confronted her? She says I am a cheater /drug addict/ she was so miserable for the past 20 years. I honestly sat quiet and listened to it. Everything changed when she and her hidden affair had a chance to talk.

 

How did i get the pictures.

I received in an email with a pretty vulgar header. Now they want the email

as they think they can find out the source. They think 3 ppl are capable. Me, the affair guy, or the guy's new partner/wife. I sent the email to a friend who is a very high-level, security online security expert. Not because I want to find out the origin of the email with pictures But have they been photoshopped? I was able to take screenshots of her conversation to prove these are actual conversations that were between her and him. Photoshopped pictures have not been brought up since. Found a conversation on valentines day where he was taking my partner out with my daughter.

She denies that ever happening. Just lie and it's not true is the game plan.

I am not handing over the email to anyone as that has no concern to me at the moment, I do not have to prove myself innocent. I had access to be able to check her emails or facebook if i really wanted. I would not hesitate to directly deal with her if that were the case. It was a wake-up call and I will never work out of town while in this relationship.

Sorry for any poor grammar or spelling,

and thanks as this is a way for me to vent and let out my negative thoughts and help my compass stay as true north as possible!! More important to help me keep my cool at home, where my kids are.

Edited by BigdaddyJJ
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What more do you really need to know....you have read the messages, she denied until you produced proof and now the two want to meet? My guess is they want to cover their tracks by trying to convince you that you didn't see what you saw...

 

Straight out of the cheaters Oh s**t I've been caught so lie and deny until it goes away handbook.....

 

You really should dna your kids if for nothing else to send a message to her that you know what's going on. You should also show her dad the messages and see what he thinks theyre about.

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Yikes, take a look online at your phone bill.

 

That much communication with contact usually equal a physical affair.

 

We're "just friends" is the biggest lie told.

 

Cheaters lie a lot.

 

Have her do a polygraph.

 

I offered to go take one, maybe I will do just that, can anyone tell me how do I post the screenshots of the conversation. so I am not breaking forum rules.

and I guess this is witness to what I am going through in case something happens again,

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You don't need to take a polygraph, she does.

Don't give them the email or nothing, you don't owe them and can't trust them!

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I offered to go take one, maybe I will do just that, can anyone tell me how do I post the screenshots of the conversation. so I am not breaking forum rules.

and I guess this is witness to what I am going through in case something happens again,

 

She needs the polygraph not you.

 

Never give up you evidence.

 

Keep digging there's more. You only have the tip of the iceberg.

 

Bud, they were going on dates behind your back.

 

As open ax this was people knew. They just didn't tell you.

 

Get your phone records. If you want more evidence.

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Buddy..... if they met, it was a physical affair. Her reaction says so as well. These two think they are genius liars. Don't let it work. You have been gone 2 out of 3 weeks. They had all the time and opportunity in the world.

 

 

 

Have you informed the ap's wife/SO? If not do it. It's a huge move that will only help. She will blow up at you for doing it, but that only shows you where her head is. Up the ap's ass. She wants to protect him.

 

 

Carry a var on you and use it when talks get anywhere close to out of control. If she strikes you or bites you, call the cops. Document it with a police report at least.

 

 

 

She has to go no contact with the affair partner.

 

 

Plants a var in rooms of the house she might speak with him in. In her car. Load her phone with a sneaky spy program. Get a good one. You don't really know as much as you need to from what I see.

 

 

 

Honestly your wife is being a selfish bitch. She is being abusive and horrifyingly uncaring about your pain. She is gaslighting you. Don't let it continue. This affair isnt over and wont stop until you take control of this situation or leave.

 

 

 

There seems to be a middle ground between controlling rage monster and emotionally dead push over that works wonders on waking wayward up to the fact their bull**** doesn't work anymore. Calm cool collected and firm as a wall of steel. Any time she tries gaslighting or blaming or abusing you, should be met with cold hard control and logic. Don't listen to bull****. Don't be afraid to walk right out when she pulls dramatics. Don't be afraid to laugh in her face and call her stupid if she believes you believe a single word of her ****. Don't even let her entertain the idea you believe a God damn word. Read up on the 180. Even if you dont use the entire 180 parts of it will be very helpful.

 

 

But most of all sit her down and in no uncertain words tell her she does not have the right to abuse you and if she ever does again you will rain hell down on her in any legal way you can. Stand up for yourself or she will NEVER respect you. I know as guys we tend to shrug off abuse from woman as we dont really fear them instictually, but its soo wrong and ****s with your head.

 

 

 

From your post I get the feeling that while you don't believe any of her bull**** you seem to allow her to pull her hysterics and avoid putting her in her place. You also seem to not think this went physical. Which it almost definantly did. Like 99 percent chance.

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I would need to know who sent it to you in order to examine their motives, just in case something fishy is going on there, but yes, you may be able to get her phone bill if it's also your phone bill and just confirm all the contact.

 

You know, I will NEVER understand why people keep text messages.

 

I know you're gone for long periods of time out working hard on those rigs, and it's absolutely not right she wasn't supporting you staying in contact during those long lonely times. I think that alone would be a dealbreaker for me, though I get you have kids and she may be busy -- but if all this is true, not too busy to keep her out of trouble.

 

If you have any lingering doubts, hire a detective. I know texts still exist on the phone company, but I also know not all phone companies were holding them because they got tired of the amount of subpoenas, but there may have been a law passed requiring them to. Maybe an attorney instead of a PI, but I don't want you to waste money if you're sure this is going on.

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You don't need to take a polygraph, she does.

Don't give them the email or nothing, you don't owe them and can't trust them!

 

i cant agree more

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You got this. Tell her you are not stupid and that you can read and understand what the messages between them says. That what the messages say and what they want you to believe they say are two very different things. Tell her it is totally her call. It's either you or him and you will not accept anything in between. If it's you then she cuts all contact with the POS and start putting her attention and time on you. If it's him then while she is packing her things you will call her POS to come and get her. She needs to understand that she can live with you and have the life she has or she can have him and experience a big decline in her quality of life and lifestyle. She also needs to understand that, if it comes to it, you can do very well without her.

How old are your children and where do they stand in this?

You are providing for her lifestyle so you should be getting as much out of life as she is getting. Don't back down. I do wish you well.

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I would need to know who sent it to you in order to examine their motives, just in case something fishy is going on there, but yes, you may be able to get her phone bill if it's also your phone bill and just confirm all the contact.

 

you see if i did not have examined my partners msn chat log and being able to read the 2 + years one msg after another. i would care about how accurate this msg are. I was actually taking screenshots to ensure they could not say they were 100% legit when she delete the history from her phone. I know this because who else would delete her facebook messenger chat log with him, i was on the tablet,.

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I know this because who else would delete her facebook messenger chat log with him, i was on the tablet,.

 

You know, it wasn't the Watergate break-in that torpedoed Nixon's presidency it, was the cover-up. People scramble to hide that which will incriminate them.

 

So let her tell you all day there's nothing there, her actions speak very differently. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It seems you do not believe this was a full blown sexual affair. They were going on dates.

 

When and how long a time period was this going on? How was she treating you during this period when you were at home from your job? She claims she isn’t in love with him. So how did your sex life change during this period? This is extremely important. She would barely contact you while you were away. How did she treat you when you came home and when you left to go back to work?

 

How long ago did you receive her texts?

 

Yes you need to contact his new wife.

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Mrs._December
...you see if i did not have examined my partners msn chat log and being able to read the 2 + years one msg after another. i would care about how accurate this msg are. I was actually taking screenshots to ensure they could not say they were 100% legit when she delete the history from her phone. I know this because who else would delete her facebook messenger chat log with him, i was on the tablet,.

She's a classless liar, no doubt about it.

 

The mistake you're making is believing this affair wasn't physical. It's physical. STD testing time.

 

Does lover boy have a wife? The right thing to do as soon as possible is to TELL her. Immediately. Before these two figure out a cover story to tell his wife before you get to her, and they're able to get her to believe their crap.

 

Do the right thing. Tell his wife/girlfriend and secondly, think LONG and HARD before taking back this lying repeat offender.

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Expose the affair, tell your dad(it's his friend) tell his wife or girlfriend(she may even be the one that sent the emails to you). You need to talk to a lawyer because I think you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg and a relationship as long as yours is going to be viewed as a common law marriage. British Columbia, in fact all of Canada, is no fault. You need to know what your risk is. This woman has very poor boundaries.

 

She's too tired or busy to write you while your working your a$$ of in some drilling camp in norther B.C. or Alberta yet she has time to shop for this POS's underwear. Why doesn't his wife or girlfriend buy his underwear, she might have something to say about your wife buying his undergarments. I wouldn't waste my time meeting with them, you have all the proof you need on those texts and emails. Keep them safe so she can't destroy them too. A person with nothing to hide doesn't cover her tracts by destroying their conversations. No contact should be your first priority with the other man. Decide if you want to stay in a relationship with someone you need to police for the rest of your life. How can you feel safe with someone like her as long as you work two weeks away every month? You won't like the stats if you research how many emotional affairs turn physical within the first 6-8 months. Decide what you want then act on it.

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Sir,

None of her potential cheating matters one bit, given what you described.. What does is that she assaulted you because she was angry.

 

 

That is NEVER justified, and I don't care if you're a man and she's a woman. She's got no business putting her hands ( or teeth) on you. In you shoes, I would be packing my bags now, and making sure my kids were safe.

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^^^^ This ^^^^

 

Can't believe no-one else was bothered by the abuse, if this was the other way round there'd be a massive uproar.

 

I mentioned in my first post OP should carry a VAR in case of further attempts.

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