Committedwife Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) Not sure where to even begin. I have been married to H for 18+ years and have 2 children. Several years ago he seemed to shut down. Not long after I started being suspicious, as he was traveling for work and began distancing himself further. Back in mid 2015 I began to be very suspicious I found condoms and he stated no way and had excuses for everything. I began paying very close attention to everything from that point on. Move to December 2015 and I found a receipt and confronted the affair and he admitted to it. Said it had been going on for some time (found out later it was almost a year) I agreed to another chance at our marriage and in late 2016 he texted me a selfie and he and this same AP (meant to send it to AP and came to me...whoops) when H returned home that evening he agreed (again) to end the A. A month or so later it’s back on ( I found texts on his phone) Needless to say it was an explosive day, he left the house and I received a text which included the AP and he genuinely ended it at that time. He did put effort into the marriage for a few solid weeks. Long story short the affair continued off and on until May of this year when we separated. I did not want to give up on my marriage - this is not the man I married. I believe he left to give he and the AP a “shot” at a legitimate relationship or whatever you’d like to call it. Mid summer he sort of moved back in with me and the kids (brought some of his things the said he wasn’t ready) took his stuff and moved back out. Then end of September he moves all of his things back in and tells me he wants to work on marriage and is committed to me and the kids. This is what I have been praying for for years. So yesterday out of the blue I get a text message from the AP (during this entire time we have never communicated) she basically tells me my H sent her a card in the mail and she was suspicious so she asked him if we were reconciling our marriage and he admitted to her that he was. She then asked him to stop communicating with her (this is after he sent her a very long email expressing his feelings of lifetime love) she said she reached out to me because she felt it was the only way to “break the cycle” and that she has no interest in being the OW to him or anyone again. I read the email and it was difficult to see ( his love for her, details of the relationship, intimate details and then how ithe thought of anyone else being close to him or touching him disgusts and how he was returning to a broken and destroyed marriage for the kids sake basically saying he knew he hurt her to a point beyond repair and he’d just come back home due to the kids) APamd I spoke throughout the day (comparing stories) it was extremely eye opening I’d say more so on my end than hers. He’s been dishonest with her recently but other than that I think they had more of a “relationship” then he and I did. He has been and still remains very closed off to me. He’s always been more of a private man but this is more than that. She was very nice and respectful and very apologetic for all that has transpired. She has assured me if my H contacts her in any way she will inform me. I confronted my H and he basically has an “it is what it is attitude” he didn’t care that we talked, he did not care that she exposed him and I did the same. I don’t really know what to do, how do I know if he really wants this M to work or he really is just here for the kids and because he thinks he ruined the relationship with the “love of his life” he refuses counseling and he doesn’t really talk about anything just answers questions if I pull it out of him. I know he had a previous affair prior to this one- not as emotional but it lasted a while (that came out when I found out about this affair) I guess what I want to know is it even possible to recover from here. Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 this is not the man I married. Who is it then? is it even possible to recover from here. Not a chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Committedwife Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 The man I married was selfless, committed, caring and very loving. I want and need him back. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 The man I married was selfless, committed, caring and very loving. I want and need him back. People really don't change much if at all once they get to around their mid 20s or so. There can be mild, even moderate long term change if a person is really motivated and has a good therapist but even then you aren't going to see a complete character and personality change. Your husband was none of those things you mention. Like many people do, he put on a false front which ultimately was replaced when the real him showed up. Happens all the time, sometimes the process takes longer than others. You've wasted enough time, energy, and emotion on this guy who has lied and cheated for many, many years and is never going to change. The sooner you accept this reality the better off you will be. Life is short, and years are valuable at this point in our lives. We want them to be as happy and satisfying as possible, do we not? You won't get it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Committedwife Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 I fully believe he got on the wrong path 6-7 years ago and I am committed to my marriage and the vows we took. I believe in him, I love this man with my whole heart. I am looking for advice on how to love and support him and show him I’m committed to our marriage and our family. This is our life and I do not feel the right choice is to just throw it all away. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) Yeah it pretty much sounds like he is just there for the kids and the committment. For some people this is good or good enough. You have to decide if you can be happy with that. Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post Link to post Share on other sites
Author Committedwife Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 I want us to have the marriage we were meant to have. The way marriage is intended to be. I believe with love, support, and prayer I can have my husband back. Has anyone else been through this and come out with a stronger and more intimate marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I fully believe he got on the wrong path 6-7 years ago and I am committed to my marriage and the vows we took. I believe in him, I love this man with my whole heart. I am looking for advice on how to love and support him and show him I’m committed to our marriage and our family. This is our life and I do not feel the right choice is to just throw it all away. WE can't change how he feels about you, so you can love him and believe in him as as much as you want, but it will not make one iota of difference IMO. He wrote in black and white, he was only back home for the kids and nothing you have written about him tells me any different, sorry to say. He is not the remorseful cheater willing to do anything to save his marriage is he? He seems back in body but not in spirit. ...and he already knows how committed you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I'm sorry but based on what you've written I think your husband is only there for the children, hopefully I'm wrong but he should be the one trying to persuade you to give the relationship another chance. You know he's a serial cheater and I'm almost certain that if the most recent OW doesn't take him back there will be another for you to deal with in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Committedwife Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 I believe in my heart if he sees my love and commitment to him and our family and with the support and prayers of close family and friends that it is possible for him to be an even better husband, father, and man than he was before any of this happened. I do not believe it will happen in a day, a week, or even a year. I know that he loves me and cares for me on some level. I’ve heard the “love but not in love with you” many times. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 What exactly are you looking for from us? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I don't think this forum will be helpful for you because it's geared toward looking at cold hard facts and not allowing yourself to have unrealistic expectations. Most of us here probably see that as the case with your post, so again, we're probably not going to give you the advice you are seeking. Seek out religious-based counseling that will give you helpful advice along the lines of what it seems you are looking for, or at least will more gently and slowly help you understand if things can't be fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 He seems to be back, but only half-heartedly. It doesn’t sound like he is where he wants to be. He’s staying out of duty, guilt. It’s a very common scenario. The e-mail to his lover is very telling. It’s one of these things conflicted people do if they want to leave the door open a tiny bit. I’m glad though that the xAP showed it to you. Most BWs don’t have the “luxury” of knowing the full truth and seeing it written down in black and white..it’s a good basis for you, op, to decide if what he’s offering is enough for you. And it’s a good basis for you to learn how he feels about you and somebody else, which is important, since he’s not talking openly..... You will not be able to make him love you like he used to. He doesn’t even want MC. He may even, in the worst case, start to resent you and/or his life. Because it keeps him from where he wants to be. Can you be happy in a marriage like that? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I believe in him, I love this man with my whole heart. I am looking for advice on how to love and support him and show him I’m committed to our marriage and our family. This is our life and I do not feel the right choice is to just throw it all away. You are not the one throwing it away - he is. And that's the thing, it takes two to have a marriage. You may decide to recommit - to love him and support him. But, you are only one person. Unless he does the same, it's not going to work. You may as well file for divorce. I'm sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I believe in my heart if he sees my love and commitment to him and our family and with the support and prayers of close family and friends that it is possible for him to be an even better husband, father, and man than he was before any of this happened. I do not believe it will happen in a day, a week, or even a year. I know that he loves me and cares for me on some level. I’ve heard the “love but not in love with you” many times. And, I believe in my heart that if I buy a lottery ticket and pray all week, I will win the big Powerball lottery this weekend. I doubt that either one of us will have the success that we hope to have... Sadly, I think you may spend your life trying. My friend, you deserve more than a man who "loves you on some level." But, it's quite evident that it will take you some time to come to terms with that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 You surely deserve a better man than one who writes to his OW and says "...how the thought of anyone else being close to him or touching him disgusts and how he was returning to a broken and destroyed marriage for the kids sake" Does the use of the word "disgust" in relation to you, not have any impact? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 He wont change, Im the other woman, his wife really puts up alot from her cheating man. he got me pregnant again, lie to her face 2nd time. There are lots men out there for you. you dont have to put up with is lies. Link to post Share on other sites
CardsFan01 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) I believe in my heart if he sees my love and commitment to him and our family and with the support and prayers of close family and friends that it is possible for him to be an even better husband, father, and man than he was before any of this happened. I do not believe it will happen in a day, a week, or even a year. I know that he loves me and cares for me on some level. I’ve heard the “love but not in love with you” many times. []He’s shown you how important the marriage is, and you have chosen to ignore what he’s showing you. I could understand your stance if this were right after the first time, but if he hasn’t seen the light by now, he’s not going to. I’m sorry. Edited October 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I posted this thread late last week & received similar advice. You, like myself, want a rich fulfilling relationship with your husband. Sadly, he is not the person who is going to commit to you for that. He’s plainly committed to his children & that at least is something - but children will thrive with the love of both parents. What will happen when the children reach their teens & start socialising & moving in their own direction...? You both will be left with a fractured marriage & at best a loveless lonely existence. Trust me I know how you’re feeling... but just because you love someone does not mean they should ruin your entire existence. Believe me when I tell you, I’m too in this hard place trying to accept that - but the reality is, the future is forwards, the marriage you want and needed has gone and really, will never be recovered. You have to try and work out how to move forward because he isn’t going to do it with you or for you. A poster gave me some advice - read up on the 180 relationship approach after affairs. It might help. I put it into play on Thursday last week & although I don’t feel better, I don’t feel worse either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 he was returning to a broken and destroyed marriage for the kids sake Committedwife, I'd guess at most your buying yourself a few years by hanging in your marriage under these conditions. You don't say how old your kids are, but when they leave so most likely will your husband, either for the (latest) other woman or a life alone without you. Hard to hear, but you should take your substantial commitment and devotion and invest in someone deserving. This man is not... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Oh, this is heartbreaking. I think the only way to possibly have a happy marriage is to leave it. And let him figure out his crap. He believes you will always be there for him. I was much like you. Finally, I got enough and I left. Now he begs to be the best man. He has worked on himself. But for me, it's too late. You want to save your marriage? You must be willing to lose it first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 I’ve heard the “love but not in love with you” many times. Oh dear... That is one of the top phrases in the "cheater speak" dictionary. It allows a cheater to somehow rationalize what they are doing, because after all, the aren't happy, and isn't that the most important thing? His happiness?:rolleyes: op, you can love this man with all your heart. You can be a perfect wife, friend , mother, whatever to him and it won't make a difference because he feels entitled to what he's doing and doesn't see it as wrong. Nothing you do or don't do will change that because, way deep down in his heart, what you see is who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 I want us to have the marriage we were meant to have. The way marriage is intended to be. I believe with love, support, and prayer I can have my husband back. I mean this in the nicest way: you're in denial. That's to be expected. You want the idealized version of your husband back. You're real husband is a serial cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Corazon de Leon Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I want us to have the marriage we were meant to have. The way marriage is intended to be. I believe with love, support, and prayer I can have my husband back. Has anyone else been through this and come out with a stronger and more intimate marriage? The "marriage" you think you had never existed anywhere but in your own imagination. The unfaithful husband broke the marriage vows by having not one but TWO affairs that you know of. Chances are there were more. Your wayward husband is a serial cheat. Get yourself tested for STDs like yesterday! That WH KNOWS you are "committed" to him that's why he's treated you like a doormat. Sorry to say but you've encouraged this. If I were you I'd get myself THE BEST AND HIGHEST qualifications in a field that pays STACKS. Use marital funds to pay all Course fees as you go so you'll have zero debts to pay after he enacts the final discard. Go see THE BEST family law attorneys within 100 miles radius... yes EVERY SINGLE one. You can get a free session with each but in future this ",conflicts" him out of good attorneys. When you phone to book your appointments you'll see just how many he has already seen. A REAL EYE OPENER there. Prepay the kid's Colleges. Heck buy a crummy apartment and put tenants in. Then THAT can be his part of the property division. Syphon money so you can pay your attorneys later. Put loads in your 401k. SAHMs often get the RAWEST deals in divorce, ESPECIALLY against a very well prepared serial cheating husband. You are finally SEEING what you married. He never was nor will ever be what you "saw". You've been forewarned, now's the time to armour up. Corazon de Leon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bmh Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 If this were a thread on the OM/OW forum and the OW posted how MM emailed her and told her he was staying for the kids everyone would tell her how that wasn’t true. That he was exactly where he wanted to be and that there are plenty of happy kids after divorce etc etc. Here it is a totally different tune as in he is only in the marriage for the kids sake. I’m genuinely interested in why you feel he is only in the marriage for the kids etc. many MM tell their OW they are “staying for the kids” and many people tell them it’s a crock of $h*t. So I’m genuinely intrigued by the diffrence of opinions here. TIA Link to post Share on other sites
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