Is my Co-worker having an affair with me?

[Rico3]

So I've been at my current job 2 1/2 years. The whole time there has been a really pretty petite girl that I though was hot. I would hear her talk about her family during lunch in the break room so I knew to stay away from her (I have a history of married women being attracted to me).

 

So for the first year or so we both stick to just saying "hi" and "bye" as we bump into each other in the break room.

 

All of a sudden I start noticing her smiling a lot and glancing at me. We work in cubicles with glass walls and I'm in a T shaped intersection so I see her every time she goes to the bathroom or break room. Her smiles and glances got me Instant Messaging her and all of a sudden we start IMing everyday. At first everything was innocent. She would come to cube to chat and I would ask her what's she's doing over the weekend? She would say she's taking her twin daughters out with her husband to a movie or skating (she loves skating and swimming).

 

Eventually things started getting more personal. We started bringing each other food and she would flirt heavily. It felt like fireworks and sparks all over the place. I remember one week she eventually lowered her guard and lowered her walls and started talking bad about her husband and telling me how unhappy her weekends where and how much work raising twins was. I knew exactly where this was headed so I didn't ask anything about her husband. All I said is I'm always here for you if you need anything.

 

After a week of two of her walls being down all sudden there is another drastic change. She completely stops initiating IM conversations. But her glances have turned into full on stares and ear to ear smiles. She holds her stares as long as she can until a wall blocks our views. She would still come to my cube about once a week and responds to my IMs if I initiate them. But I try to give her space and stop IMing her too. After a few weeks I start asking her questions one by one. Is everything is ok? Are we still friends? and you've gotten really quite. She said we are still friends and she's just been really busy.

 

Again I give her space. At this point I feel abandoned and confused because she still staring really hard and smiling. I decide to ask her even if it meant ending our friendship. I asked her, "Why do you look at me the way you do". She didn't give any straight answers and simply said cause you're my friend. To which I responded with, "I was hoping for more." She just yelled my name (In chat) and said, "what am I going to do with you" I said I was sorry and she said ok but you're still my friend.

 

Months and months go by like this. Her not starting IM convos but staring and smiling everyday at me and occasionally visiting my cube. After like 6 months we start spending more time together in the break room again. My feelings start growing even more until I reached a breaking point. I finally tell her that we shouldn't be friends anymore. She seems hurt at first then I proceed to tell her that it's unhealthy for me to really like someone that is taken. I tell her, "No more staring, ok?" She kinda responds with an outburst of, "Get yourself together dude & Well stop liking me". And I respond that she doesn't need me, she has plenty of friends there. She then says ok, if that's what you want.

 

Right after this it just seemed like her smilies and stares got bigger. I tell her 2 more times that we shouldn't be staring at each other and she said ok both times but continues to stare.

 

I finally give up and we are back to staring at each other. She's back to coming to my cube to talk. Everything is back to the way she's kept me these past 6 months.

 

I think I've fallen in love with her and really want to be with her. But she seems well guarded behind her walls and won't let me in or won't let me go either. She's keeping me around for something but I don't know what?

 

Thanks for any and all help and advice given.

[S2B]

You're wasting your time and playing with fire.

 

She likes the ego strokes - but you could waste another 10 or so years just having her stare at you.

 

How would you like being her husband and knowing that she's spending her work days flirting openly with other men?

 

Stop all contact with her - it's not going to end well for you.

 

 

Start dating available women.

[Mr. Lucky]

Congrats, you win the prize for the most disingenuous thread title of 2018.

 

Rico3, seems like there's a high-school level of maturity at work here. That's the last time I can remember basing a relationship on stares, smiles, lunch-room meetings and (IM) notes passed.

 

(I have a history of married women being attracted to me).

 

Gee, I wonder why that is? Could it be because they know your lack of boundaries allows you to chase them? Sounds like you don't have the confidence to pursue real relationships with available women, the ones not already married to someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rico3]

Congrats, you win the prize for the most disingenuous thread title of 2018.

 

So we are having an affair? She tries to mask it very well by not saying affair things and not admitting anything. Her actions on the other had are free to do affair like things.

 

Rico3, seems like there's a high-school level of maturity at work here. That's the last time I can remember basing a relationship on stares, smiles, lunch-room meetings and (IM) notes passed.

 

Unfortunately this is how hispanic women act. Everything is super secretive with them and only clearly act a certain way but completely deny it when you confront them. This is the second married girl that has acted exactly like this to me.

 

Gee, I wonder why that is? Could it be because they know your lack of boundaries allows you to chase them? Sounds like you don't have the confidence to pursue real relationships with available women, the ones not already married to someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

How can they know my lack of boundaries? I kept my boundaries with this girl for a year. That does not stop them. They will hunt you down till they get what they want. To me it seemed liked she was opening up for help. So I let her in.

 

And I have pursued several single women at all times. It just never works out for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

How can they know my lack of boundaries?

 

Apparently, all they have to do is look or smile at you and you come running.

 

Most guys don't respond to married women that way, they have boundaries, control and a general distaste for the drama you've described.

 

You know, you can smile back and just go about your business, right? Doesn't have to be anything more than that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[misspalmy]

Dont go there its not worth it. Im other woman and can tell you its not worth it

[S2B]

As soon as you participate with flirting with a MW you have opened the door to have an affair.

 

The title is wrong and you know it. YOU are having an affair with a married woman.

 

Own the way YOU participate!

 

 

Stop blaming her - she can't have an affair IF YOU DON'T participate!

 

So stop participating! Seriously!

[Rico3]

As soon as you participate with flirting with a MW you have opened the door to have an affair.

 

The title is wrong and you know it. YOU are having an affair with a married woman.

 

Own the way YOU participate!

 

 

Stop blaming her - she can't have an affair IF YOU DON'T participate!

 

So stop participating! Seriously!

 

I work in a building with 90% women. They all flirt all the time. lol. It's what women do. I'm not having an affair with all of them. lol

[S2B]

I work in a building with 90% women. They all flirt all the time. lol. It's what women do. I'm not having an affair with all of them. lol

 

Ya but are you staring them down and sending suggestive texts?

 

Seriously he acts like he's not responsible for how he's participating.

 

Be responsible for your own actions.

[Marc878]

You have control over yourself. Use it.

 

There's an old saying. Don't dip your pen in company ink.

 

I've been in business a long time. These things can start out innocent enough.

 

When a woman starts sharing a bad family life, husband, etc. better wake up.

 

She fishing. You take the bait it usually ends up badly and you get screwed up for a year or two. Not to mention I've seen many lose their jobs over workplace affairs, etc.

[IndigoNight]

I think I've fallen in love with her and really want to be with her. But she seems well guarded behind her walls and won't let me in or won't let me go either. She's keeping me around for something but I don't know what?

 

You already know the answer, but it isn't the one you wish it was. You've been friendzoned, firmly! She keeps you around because you are safe in her mind. In other words, she doesn't want to sleep with you, but maybe you're good company during working hours. (Nothing in your post indicated that she was interested in you as a potential lover.)

 

Do yourself a favor, and stop getting emotionally involved in a one-sided "affair" with married women. If you're not careful, you may eventually meet a jealous husband. Or worse, a coworker that believes your attention could be construed as sexual harassment.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, you're not having an affair. Is that what you want? It rather sounds like you do.

 

She flirts because she likes the attention and distraction. But that's about it. You're not going to be with her, so you need to get that idea of your head.

[Rico3]

I tried to get her to stop talking to me again today. Here is the convo:

 

Me: I don't think we should be friends anymore.

Her: what again

Me: We should just keep it professinal. It's better that way.

Her:i thought we where

Her:

Her: sorry if i have made you feel uncomfortable in any way im just a happy person

Me: Let's just keep all the talk work-related and no more staring. Promise no more staring.

(She stops responding)

(30 mins later)

Me: Ok?

(She never responds but starts staring at me again)

 

 

 

I really like her a lot. She's perfect to me. So it's really hard to stop reacting to her stares not stop talking to her. The only way I can stop is to pick a fight like I did the convo. But's it's still not working and never has. She continues to stare no matter what I tell her and continues to try to be my friend.

[Normm]

Unfortunately this is how hispanic women act. Everything is super secretive with them and only clearly act a certain way but completely deny it when you confront them. This is the second married girl that has acted exactly like this to me.

 

 

This comment about how hispanic women act is insensivite and racist and even worse it's wrong. I was married (now divorced) to a hispanic woman and my daughters of course half hispanic.

 

 

From personal experience I can tell you that hispanic women determine your income and earning potential over the next 20 years, calculate whether it's sufficient to support them and their extended families and if so, they will figure out a way to manipulate you into marrying them and then subsequently squeezing every last possible dime they can out of you in the divorce after you've pulled them from the gutter and elevated them to upper middle class status.

[Starswillshine]

I cant even today with all this discussions of eye contact and stares.

 

No, you are not having an affair. It sounds like this woman likes the attention though. But she isnt interested in going further with you.

[S2B]

Sounds like you are making a big deal about this... a really big deal.

 

Why don't you have your seat changed?

 

Why don't you start dating someone so you can have a real relationship?

[Rico3]

Sounds like you are making a big deal about this... a really big deal.

 

Why don't you have your seat changed?

 

Why don't you start dating someone so you can have a real relationship?

 

Why can't she stop talking to me?

 

When someone tells you they don't want to be your friend. Why does she keep trying to be my friend?

 

This is twice i've told her.

 

I've told her several times to stop staring at me. Why doesn't she stop? Was I not blunt enough?

 

Every time I tell her these things she stares even more! I'm not asking for a lot here!

 

Are any of these requests unreasonable? Especially after i've told her that it's hurting and confusing me.

[Normm]

I've told her several times to stop staring at me. Why doesn't she stop? Was I not blunt enough?

 

Every time I tell her these things she stares even more! I'm not asking for a lot here!

 

This is just a wild guess but who knows. She never won a staring contest before so she's relishing the victory. I know I was always the first to blink or look away (depending on the rules) and I'd want to win a staring contest if it was me.

 

Especially after i've told her that it's hurting and confusing me.

 

Man up. It's just a woman staring at you for crying out loud. Life can be a heck of a lot tougher than that. Imagine if you were stricken with a fatal disease, or someone you loved died suddenly, or your house was flattened by a tornado, or you lost all your money in a bad investment? Or you were wrongly convicted of a crime you didn't commit and they threw you in jail with a big black dude who made you his b!tch? It's all relative.

[Rico3]

This is just a wild guess but who knows. She never won a staring contest before so she's relishing the victory. I know I was always the first to blink or look away (depending on the rules) and I'd want to win a staring contest if it was me.

 

 

 

Man up. It's just a woman staring at you for crying out loud. Life can be a heck of a lot tougher than that. Imagine if you were stricken with a fatal disease, or someone you loved died suddenly, or your house was flattened by a tornado, or you lost all your money in a bad investment? Or you were wrongly convicted of a crime you didn't commit and they threw you in jail with a big black dude who made you his b!tch? It's all relative.

 

I've fallen for her.

[S2B]

Why can't she stop talking to me?

 

When someone tells you they don't want to be your friend. Why does she keep trying to be my friend?

 

This is twice i've told her.

 

I've told her several times to stop staring at me. Why doesn't she stop? Was I not blunt enough?

 

Every time I tell her these things she stares even more! I'm not asking for a lot here!

 

Are any of these requests unreasonable? Especially after i've told her that it's hurting and confusing me.

 

Simple solution = quit the job.

[Rico3]

Simple solution = quit the job.

 

A little over the top.

[Normm]

I've fallen for her.

 

 

In your first post you said you have a history of married women falling for you, and you've fallen for at least one of them. I don't mean to be insensitive but you reap what you sow. You allowed yourself to get to an extremely dangerous level of attachment to a woman who is married to someone else- and now you've got to figure out how to disentangle yourself. This has apparently happened with other women even if they haven't affected you to such a great degree. You need to learn to cut it off when you find out they are unavailable.

 

 

You've made some bad choices and now you're suffering. Even if she stopped staring at you that's not going to resolve the issue. You're wasting a lot of time trying to change her behavior (the staring). As another poster said, get another job. It might be drastic but it might be your only move. Or try turning your desk so it faces in another direction.

[Rico3]

In your first post you said you have a history of married women falling for you, and you've fallen for at least one of them. I don't mean to be insensitive but you reap what you sow. You allowed yourself to get to an extremely dangerous level of attachment to a woman who is married to someone else- and now you've got to figure out how to disentangle yourself. This has apparently happened with other women even if they haven't affected you to such a great degree. You need to learn to cut it off when you find out they are unavailable.

 

 

You've made some bad choices and now you're suffering. Even if she stopped staring at you that's not going to resolve the issue. You're wasting a lot of time trying to change her behavior (the staring). As another poster said, get another job. It might be drastic but it might be your only move. Or try turning your desk so it faces in another direction.

 

You are correct, out of all the married women, this is one of the ones I caught strong feelings for. Let me reiterate that I don't go looking for them. They befriend me and turn up the flirting over time.

 

I don't think it's hard to get a girl to stop talking to you at all. Just start saying inappropriate things or do some inappropriate actions. But I care about her and don't want to be mean or make her feel awful.

 

I'm trying to do it the nice way by shifting all blame towards me but it's not working. It's making me think she wants me to be inappropriate towards her.

[Normm]

I'm trying to do it the nice way by shifting all blame towards me but it's not working. It's making me think she wants me to be inappropriate towards her.

 

This doesn't make any sense. It just goes to show how jumbled your thinking is at this point.

 

Stop thinking and turn your desk around. Maybe you can get a nice view out the window. Or perhaps of another woman this one being single of course.

[Marc878]

Leave some spinach in your teeth and smile back