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Is it impossible to love your wife and simultaneously love the OW


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 16th October 2018, 11:41 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by Haru-no-yuki View Post
What's the point of an infidelity forum if it's just going to consist of people telling the poster that they are a terrible person etc... Seems pointless.

Yeah I don't a have a thin skin. I was just trying to put across my point.

Seems like a lot of people replying to my thread have their own unresolved issues they need to deal with.

It's not about you being a terrible person.


My comment to you was not an attack. It was more of a warning. Many couples who have experienced infidelity will enjoy a period of calm in the aftermath. It's as if the couple woke up and realized what they might lose. It's almost like a panic.

The issue is that the problems within the ws that led him or her to make the decision to cheat will still be there. Some can get therapy or work on their own to learn better behvaior patterns, and they never cheat again. Some never reach that point.


Some bs will seem okay at first ( at least to their ws) but when the full force of what happened hits them _ and that can take a long time- it can be a crisis point for the marriage, even more so than d-day itself.

I'll take your word that your marriage is good now, but have you allowed your wife time to grieve, a chance to rage ( verbal, not physical) at you and an opportunity to work through all of this? Have you been completely honest with her that you feel you loved your ow, and may well have chosen to keep the A going if possible?

My spouse cheated more than 10 years ago, and we reconciled.We are still together, but I remember well how the first year afterwards had a lot of ups and downs. You and your wife could be different, but just keep an eye out to make sure she's doing okay. If she's not, she might not tell you. If you keep checking in emotionally with her, that can go a long way.
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Old 17th October 2018, 7:21 PM   #62
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I'm sorry but no loving your wife simultaneously while having an A is not love at all. I don't know where you get your definition of love from, but that is not it.

Best answer on this thread is this...

Quote:
people who have affairs and claim to love two people really only loves one.....themselves.
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Old 17th October 2018, 8:08 PM   #63
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I think that the responses are harsh because you’re coming across as appallingly narcissistic.

It appears that your wife is willing to look the other way as long as your actions do not disrupt her life. Some spouses are fine with that kind of arrangement.

I’m curious about what you were looking for when you posted this thread.
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Old 17th October 2018, 8:46 PM   #64
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I would say you didn't love either of them deeply. If you love someone deeply, the very last thing you would ever want to do is something selfish that would hurt them to the core, like cheating. That's not love. If you can do that, you don't love deeply enough.
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Old 22nd October 2018, 9:14 AM   #65
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I would say you didn't love either of them deeply. If you love someone deeply, the very last thing you would ever want to do is something selfish that would hurt them to the core, like cheating. That's not love. If you can do that, you don't love deeply enough.
To be honest, what started as just some fun became something deeper than I expected. Now the OW is out of the picture life has returned to normality and is probably best for everyone.

As I said before the OW knew about my wife for many months and my wife also had already guessed about the OW.

Narcissistic? Yes probably.
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Old 22nd October 2018, 9:37 AM   #66
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OP, you are being naive-you said something deeper developed between you and your OW. And then she left you. After that, you fully recommitted to your wife. Does that make your wife the second choice? Yes. It does.

If your wife is the second choice, because your OW left you, then the logical conclusion is that youíre now stuck with your default choice because your second choice (W) didnít leave you like your first choice (OW) did. And of course youíre putting all your efforts into that second choice because you have no other choice left. And thatís simply not an ideal solution to the problem/situation. Itís simply the only way for you to go. You have no other way to go. The truth is that youíre trying to look elsewhere (like you have before), but thereís nothing else available, so youíre just making it work where you are right now. And youíre telling yourself that thatís where you want to be. But history shows you that thatís not the truth.

There is simply no logic in asking the question whether or not you can love two women at the same time. The logical question would be whether you can talk yourself into being happy with your second choice. Thatís all there is to it.
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Old 22nd October 2018, 11:04 AM   #67
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Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
OP, you are being naive-you said something deeper developed between you and your OW. And then she left you. After that, you fully recommitted to your wife. Does that make your wife the second choice? Yes. It does.
Yeah none of what you wrote is correct, especially the quoted part above.

I actually asked the OW to leave my apartment because I wanted to break up with her at that time.

I could expand upon all this but it's not worth the effort..

And the idea I have no other choice... Laughable... Plenty of choices thrown at me daily. One thing I've learned from this though is how much my wife means to me.

Last edited by Haru-no-yuki; 22nd October 2018 at 11:07 AM..
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Old 22nd October 2018, 11:46 AM   #68
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OK cool. However, dude, given the thread title I was assuming that you are interested in the emotional aspect of having one woman versus the other versus both - and how you are conflicted about feeling about both of them etc. etc

You can say what you want right now and turn it around all the way you want to, but itís obvious that you are butthurt about ow leaving you (for your coworker none the less, that you have mentioned 1 million times) - And now youíre in the situation youíre in - Trying to make it work with your wife that youíve been married to for decades. BC You have to - Itís the same old story all around. Nothing special about that.
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Old 22nd October 2018, 12:35 PM   #69
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Originally Posted by Haru-no-yuki View Post
One thing I've learned from this though is how much my wife means to me.

Does she know this?
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Old 22nd October 2018, 6:08 PM   #70
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Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
and how you are conflicted about feeling about both of them etc. etc.
Sure there was conflict but make no mistake, no way is my wife second best. She's better looking, smarter, higher EQ etc etc. So I'll shoot that down straight away. There are other mitigating issues that you know nothing about.

I couldn't care less if OW went out with my ex colleague. People on this site have said stuff along the lines of how I manipulated her etc. Well, that guy is much worse. Will say anything and not deliver. Which is why he's leaving his current company because he was effectively fired for being useless.

I was upset about the way the relationship ended, without any sensible communication. Ie her just cutting me off. In fact she never even explicitly dumped me. No that it ended.
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Old 22nd October 2018, 6:09 PM   #71
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
Does she know this?
Yes, I think she does.

That last paragraph should read:

"I was upset about the way the relationship ended, without any sensible communication. Ie her just cutting me off. In fact she never even explicitly dumped me. Not that it ended"

Last edited by Haru-no-yuki; 22nd October 2018 at 6:14 PM..
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Old 30th November 2018, 2:40 PM   #72
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I believe you can love more than one person at a time.

I believe however, you can only be in love with one person at a time.
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Old 30th November 2018, 3:04 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Haru-no-yuki View Post
What's the point of an infidelity forum if it's just going to consist of people telling the poster that they are a terrible person etc... Seems pointless
When such occurs, simply notify moderation via the 'alert us' button on each post so suspected and we'll take care of the rest.

Be aware there are factions which coordinate elsewhere to attack members who post here. I've dealt with them for years and I'm the oldest active moderator on the site. If experiencing off-topic baiting or personal attacks, let us know.

This will serve as the directive to get back on the topic and keep it civil and respectful. Thanks!
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Old 1st December 2018, 8:39 AM   #74
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I am sure, if you were cheated on, you would have a slightly different attitude. You haven't suffered any consequences. Having a larger income than your wife doesn't give you carte blanche to behave any way you like. I get the feeling you are going to receive your comeuppance further on down the line.
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Old 2nd December 2018, 9:16 AM   #75
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Originally Posted by smi11ie View Post
I am sure, if you were cheated on, you would have a slightly different attitude. You haven't suffered any consequences. Having a larger income than your wife doesn't give you carte blanche to behave any way you like. I get the feeling you are going to receive your comeuppance further on down the line.
I'm fairly convinced I've been cheated on before in relationships. Reality is that women have just as much tendancy to cheat as men, they're probably just better at keeping it quiet and containing...

I don't control my partners (now wife). If she wants to have some fun so be it.

In fact my wife has said to me she doesn't care as long as she doesn't know and I don't bring problems home.

My mistake was not following this...

Oh, and yes my wife and I have a very loving relationship.
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