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Is it impossible to love your wife and simultaneously love the OW


Haru-no-yuki

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Haru-no-yuki

Personally I don't think it's impossible. It's taken me a good few months to properly get over my OW, so I guess I loved her, but the relationship with my wife is stronger than ever (yes the wife knows everything that happened) and I love my wife to bits.

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People love other people in different ways, at different times, with different methods. The more one can compartmentalize their personality, the more likely this can occur. I saw it all the time with MW's. One wife, one mother, one lover, one worker, one friend. Pretty impressive actually. Truly living in the moment without regard to other considerations.

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somanymistakes

It's certainly possible to love more than one person at the same time, or at different times.

 

But with a lot of people in affairs, they aren't very good at loving both people, if love for one has simply become a habit and a thing they don't think is worth giving attention or honesty to.

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Haru-no-yuki
People love other people in different ways, at different times, with different methods. The more one can compartmentalize their personality, the more likely this can occur. I saw it all the time with MW's. One wife, one mother, one lover, one worker, one friend. Pretty impressive actually. Truly living in the moment without regard to other considerations.

 

I have to admit I was guilty of this to a certain extent. My OW was the complete opposite to my wife in many ways (more passionate but less academic, more emotional - to a certain degree unstable etc).

 

In hindsight it was inconsiderate to the OW. She wasn't really getting a full relationship that she deserved (and hence ultimately kicked me to the curb - which no doubt I deserved).

 

Still, I did love her - just different type of relationship to my wife.

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In hindsight it was inconsiderate to the OW. She wasn't really getting a full relationship that she deserved.

 

So you don't feel there was any inconsideration towards your wife. I don't imagine she was in any way getting a 'full relationship', while you physically and romantically invested with the OW, your wife got the mundane day day living experience.

 

Not to mention the fact the marital funds you spent on her, you had your OW living in what sounds like marital property so in a sense your wife had to financially support your affair, which would still be ongoing if OW hadn't ended it.

 

Your sense of entitlement just screams from your post.

 

Do I believe you can love more than one person at a time? Yes, probably but I don't believe you'll ever treat them both well. There will always be a winner and a loser.

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Haru-no-yuki
So you don't feel there was any inconsideration towards your wife. I don't imagine she was in any way getting a 'full relationship', while you physically and romantically invested with the OW, your wife got the mundane day day living experience.

 

Not to mention the fact the marital funds you spent on her, you had your OW living in what sounds like marital property so in a sense your wife had to financially support your affair, which would still be ongoing if OW hadn't ended it.

 

Your sense of entitlement just screams from your post.

 

Do I believe you can love more than one person at a time? Yes, probably but I don't believe you'll ever treat them both well. There will always be a winner and a loser.

 

Marital funds??? All the money in my marriage comes from me. My wife is very well cared for materially... And she certainly didn't and doesn't have a mundane life.

 

I grant you your other points though.

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somanymistakes
Marital funds??? All the money in my marriage comes from me.

 

Marriage is, in a sense, a business partnership. It is a financial arrangement to create stability for both partners and any children that come into the family.

 

Any asset that enters the marriage belongs equally to both parties. It doesn't matter which one of you earned it.

 

This is something people often don't quite understand until/unless they find their marriage in tatters and have to divorce and then go "Wait a second, why does he/she get MY money???" It's a pity that most countries don't require you to know ANYTHING about marriage rights and responsibilities in order to marry.

 

Since anything you earn belongs not to you, but to you-and-your-wife together, anything you spend is logically being taken away from you-and-your-wife both. It's like having a business expense. It's paid for by the company.

 

Not a big deal when it comes to small stuff, nobody expects their spouse to have to sign off on every cup of coffee, not unless you're on the verge of bankruptcy and need to count every penny. But large expenses should not be incurred without the knowledge and approval of the full partnership.

 

Racking up bills behind a partner's back is considered a kind of infidelity in itself.

 

I'm not saying this to scold you for your actions, I have no idea how much if any money you spent on anyone else and it's not my marriage anyway. I'm just explaining the underlying principle here.

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Marital funds??? All the money in my marriage comes from me. My wife is very well cared for materially... And she certainly didn't and doesn't have a mundane life.

 

I grant you your other points though.

 

In your first thread here, you admit to putting the OW up in your second home. And you don't admit in that thread that you are married. Yet you came looking for sympathy after a break up.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/664745-when-you-re-bad-guy

 

To get useful advice, it would help to be completely honest about your situation.

 

Your level of entitlement is astounding. And sad.

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Love is an action, so if one is married and in love with someone not their spouse then how can they love the spouse? Love is not intentionally hurting those you "love".

 

My personal theory is, people who have affairs and claim to love two people really only loves one.....themselves.

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I'll sit back and watch people proscribe how others should love. It oughta be entertaining. OP, do you think you can control how your spouse loves you? That she should love you by your rules of love? How's that working out in your M? BTW, what impels you to opine your M is stronger than ever, a few months post-affair?

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BTW, what impels you to opine your M is stronger than ever, a few months post-affair?

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

 

(I swear, if someone says that to me one more time, there's gonna be bloodshed :D)

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The great thing about the word "love" is that you can define it any way you want to. Go to a card store and read all the mushy cards that have prewritten sentiments from one partner to the other and you'll get all sorts of perspectives on what the word can mean.

 

If you were to ask me if someone who cheats on their committed life partner, breaking their trust, potentially exposing them to STDs and betraying them in the worst possible way and causing them hurt they will feel for the rest of their natural life.. is in "love" with them, I'd say "NO" without hesitation.

 

Your mileage obviously varies, to whatever extent justifies your actions and lets you sleep better at night.

 

By the way you totally misinterpreted what the other poster said about spending marital funds on the affair partner.

 

You put your affair partner up in your other home- meaning that she lived rent free- whereas you could have rented the home and received income from it- plus any other money you spent on her during the time you were cheating on your wife. You say "well I earn all the money". That doesn't matter. In a marriage, your money is her money regardless of who earns the paycheck- and if you are spending it on another person you are taking it away from your wife.

 

Does that turn on any lightbulbs for you?

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Haru-no-yuki

To all those talking about marriage as if it's a business partnership - that's not how my wife and I run ours. We keep our finances separate (when I said all the marital assets come from me it was a bit of an exaggeration - what I really meant was I earn the lionshare). Yes, if we divorced she would get something but I can't see that happening...

 

Everyone has their own philosophy.

 

As I mentioned in my OP, my wife knows everything. She's mad at me, for sure, but I guess I can tell that our relationship is still very strong. (From both our actions...)

 

Certain mitigating issues led to said affair, although I basically agree that it was a selfish pursuit which probably put the marriage back some steps for a while.

 

Thanks for all the comments. Though a little surprised about the level of personal attacks this forum generates :)

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Though a little surprised about the level of personal attacks this forum generates :)

 

 

Not seeing any personal attacks on this thread.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

 

(I swear, if someone says that to me one more time, there's gonna be bloodshed :D)

 

But if that bloodshed doesn't kill me...

 

Sorry, couldn't resist :D .

 

Mr. Lucky

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Certain mitigating issues led to said affair, although I basically agree that it was a selfish pursuit which probably put the marriage back some steps for a while.

 

Boy, is that cheater/WS thinking! Mitigating issues caused it, it only set the marriage back some steps - for a while...

 

Mr. Lucky

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WS thinking?

 

 

WS= Wayward spouse = the cheater

 

 

Thinking = rationalizing and justifying bad decisions that hurt other people

 

 

 

Put it all together and you get:

 

 

Cheater rationalizes and justifies their bad behavior that has caused other people to be hurt.

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Haru-no-yuki
WS= Wayward spouse = the cheater

 

 

Thinking = rationalizing and justifying bad decisions that hurt other people

 

 

 

Put it all together and you get:

 

 

Cheater rationalizes and justifies their bad behavior that has caused other people to be hurt.

 

Thanks for the explanation.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty good at rationalization :)

 

Seriously though, I do regret hurting the OP & the wife. Actually really like/liked both. Not a justification - before I get my head bitten off ;)

 

Every cloud has a silver lining though. Through me the OP met her new boyfriend and went from having no friends to co-adopting all his friends, so I think she's pretty happy. And my wife and I are doing fine.

 

It's just the rich tapestry of life.

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Through me the OP met her new boyfriend and went from having no friends to co-adopting all his friends, so I think she's pretty happy. And my wife and I are doing fine.

 

It's just the rich tapestry of life.

 

 

Japan has really rebounded after Hiroshima.

 

 

So what?

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Haru-no-yuki
Japan has really rebounded after Hiroshima.

 

 

So what?

 

I don't know... life's mostly a game right...? It's not like most of us (at least in the Western world) are having to struggle to stay alive.

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I don't know... life's mostly a game right...? It's not like most of us (at least in the Western world) are having to struggle to stay alive.

 

 

Life's a game of sorts, most of us are trying to get ahead and many of us have no issue stepping over others to get there but as far as I'm concerned within a very small circle including my significant other, a few close friends and family I don't put my needs so far ahead of theirs that I'll cause them harm in getting what I want or need.

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Well, let's just say that if I was your wife, I wouldn't be very happy to hear that my husband is/was in love with two women...

 

How would you feel if your wife told you that she was in love with two men? Would you find that acceptable? Understandable - mitigating factors and all...

 

That just wouldn't be acceptable to me.

Edited by BaileyB
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somanymistakes
Well, let's just say that if I was your wife, I wouldn't be very happy to hear that my husband is/was in love with two women...

 

How would you feel if your wife told you that she was in love with two men? Would you find that acceptable? Understandable - mitigating factors and all...

 

That just wouldn't be acceptable to me.

 

OTOH I think you'd be pretty upset if your spouse told you that you couldn't love your parents and also love your spouse, that you must love them and ONLY them.

 

To me, it's not the caring about two people that's the problem, it's how you go about behaving towards them. And lying and cheating aren't loving behaviors.

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