Jump to content

I am married and having an affair - Long post


Nikki Sahagin

Recommended Posts

I hope I am posting in the right forum. I am the partner having the affair and therefore I didn't think the OM/OW forum was appropriate, but please move my post if so.

 

 

I want to be as honest in my post as I can be.

 

 

I am 30 years old and have been married for two years, I have been with my husband for four years. My husband is originally from Australia, which is where we met. We began a long distance relationship and fell head over heels for each other. I think in the beginning it was largely lust. Eventually, we got married in Australia. I never wanted to be married however I did want the opportunity to be together in the same country, and the only real way to do that was to get a spouse visa (no other options were open to us, after I had done a working holiday visa.)

 

 

I remember on my wedding day feeling confused and unsure. I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision in getting married, but I knew I was in love, and that this was our chance to be together. I felt I had to give it a shot. Soon after we were married, we began the visa process and my partner moved to England.

 

 

He has struggled for work consistently since getting here. It is not really his fault. He has tried, but there is so much red tape and he has only worked intermittently. Because of this we can never afford to do anything or go anywhere, bar a few holidays that I paid for. We rarely get to go to dinner, or do anything fun at all.

 

 

In the beginning, I supported my husband as much as I could, both financially and emotionally, but over time I began to feel resentful of the fact that he didn't have work and had no money. I know that sounds uncaring, but it's true. I got sick of having to stay in all weekend or just go for walks in the park because we couldn't afford to do anything, or I'd have to pay (when I'd already paid for flights and visas.) I think ultimately I lost some respect in my husband because I didn't feel he could provide for himself, let alone us. He also feels awful about the fact that he can't provide for me, and I know he'd give me the world if he could. I know that this has hit his self-esteem and he began to comfort eat a lot.

 

 

He also drinks a lot for fun and as a comfort. When he did have money, he would spend it going drinking. He is not an angry, violent, sad or abusive drunk, but he is a boring one. Seeing him drunk so often made me unattracted to him. I got used to being physically repulsed by him, bored by him and going to bed alone whilst he stayed up until 5am drinking and spent the next day in bed. I spent ages crying. My husband doesn't drink so much now, although he does occasionally, but I feel the damage is done. I've lost a lot of my physical attraction to him and our sex life has been bad. I wouldn't say the relationship is dead as I do love and care for him, but often I've wanted to leave but not, partly because we have invested time and money in us and he has moved to the other side of the world for me, I'm afraid to regret it, and also my husband adores me and is a kind and sweet person.

 

 

I went on holiday by myself and met someone there. I did not tell him that I was married. The moment I saw him, I felt a crazy feeling and we ended up hanging out for the entire holiday. He said he liked me from the start, and believing me to be single, we spent all our time together, sleeping together on the last night. I enjoyed the feeling of pretending to be single again, of meeting someone amazing and who I felt more compatible with, although I am not deluding myself into thinking I know this person more than I do, it was just a sense of clicking in many ways.

 

 

When I returned from holiday, this man messaged me saying that he wanted to see me again to begin a relationship. We speak every day and he is keen for us to be together. It has now been four months since we met and although we are not in a relationship, he says that he would like to be and that he is falling in love with me.

 

 

I don't know anymore if I am in love with my husband, or if I am afraid to leave him and hurt him. There is also the fear of not having told the OM that I am married, and fearing his reaction, when I genuinely care for him and I would like to be with him.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I did consciously choose to follow my feelings for the OM, but my marriage has struggled for a while. Am I giving up on my marriage too soon? Disappearing into a fantasy of someone new? I don't know if I can tolerate the fact that my husband would prefer to drink and play video games than travel with me, or go volunteering or for long walks along the beach. I have realised as much as I care for him, that we are very different people.

 

 

Amidst all of this, my mother was also diagnosed with cancer, and I am struggling to make any decision at all as I feel a lot of loss is coming, whether of my mother or of my marriage. I am also in the midst of losing my job, so this is another big life change. I feel in flux and as though everything in my life is shifting.

 

 

I want a compatible partner, someone who earns their own money, someone who wants to do things, travel, explore, who likes conversation, doesn't drink like crazy....I think ultimately my husband and I are a wrong fit, but I do care for him so much.

 

 

I'm sorry if my story offends or upsets any of you in this forum. I feel that in my heart of hearts, I want the new man, but I am afraid to take this path, to hurt my husband, but I am hurting him already be checking out of the marriage and cheating.

 

 

He is devoted to me and worships the ground I walk on. I have always felt I could trust him, and in many ways he is wonderful, but the big things, the drinking, the lack of money and fundamentally different interests have pushed us so far apart, and I don't know if I want to work on being together anymore.

 

 

I am looking to start therapy to discuss this with someone who doesn't know me, so that I can try to work out my feelings. If I hadn't have gone on holiday and met the OM, I probably would still be bumbling along in the marriage, but even before I met the OM, I had a screaming gut feeling saying get out.

 

 

I don't know what advice I am seeking, or perhaps I am just ranting.

 

 

Have anyone felt that you married for the wrong reasons, or the wrong person? And how did you go about fixing things? Did you leave or try to make it work?

 

 

Thank you for reading.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember you from years ago. This is classic and I dealt with it in my own M when I started caregiving. It became harder to meet the lifestyle expectations of my spouse and emotions from that on both sides cause a loss of love in the M.

 

You feel how you feel and if you're not in love with your H anymore, end the marriage. This new vacation guy isn't some panacea. He's simply another man. There's billions of us on the planet. If whatever you and he shared is real, a little time apart while you end your M will be an easy test.

 

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Are you going to caregive for your mother?

 

Oh, BTW, unless the OM is a guy you've known for awhile, and it appears he isn't, he could be married too, just like you, and not telling the same way you aren't telling him.

 

I dealt with this back in my 20's when first getting introduced to MW's who masqueraded as single women. TBH, it soured my view on women for awhile.

 

Anyway, been around all sides of this stuff and IMO keep the issues separate. If the M is done, OK, divorce. If the attraction is still there with OM and he's available, cool, do that. If not, no biggie. Lots of other guys to check out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Most people who feel the way you do about your marriage seek a divorce. Have you thought about that?

 

 

 

It is on my mind a lot, but I think ultimately I am afraid.

 

 

Part of me is afraid to hurt my partner, who loves me so much. I am also afraid to regret my decision and to be deeply honest, I think I am afraid of the void that might leave in my life. My partner is not perfect, but he does provide affection, security, love and I think I am afraid to lose that, even though I am missing many other things in this relationship.

 

 

Something seems to keep pulling me back from opting for divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I remember you from years ago. This is classic and I dealt with it in my own M when I started caregiving. It became harder to meet the lifestyle expectations of my spouse and emotions from that on both sides cause a loss of love in the M.

 

You feel how you feel and if you're not in love with your H anymore, end the marriage. This new vacation guy isn't some panacea. He's simply another man. There's billions of us on the planet. If whatever you and he shared is real, a little time apart while you end your M will be an easy test.

 

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Are you going to caregive for your mother?

 

Oh, BTW, unless the OM is a guy you've known for awhile, and it appears he isn't, he could be married too, just like you, and not telling the same way you aren't telling him.

 

I dealt with this back in my 20's when first getting introduced to MW's who masqueraded as single women. TBH, it soured my view on women for awhile.

 

Anyway, been around all sides of this stuff and IMO keep the issues separate. If the M is done, OK, divorce. If the attraction is still there with OM and he's available, cool, do that. If not, no biggie. Lots of other guys to check out.

 

 

Hi Carhill, thanks for your message. I remember you also from years back and thank you for reaching out to me.

 

 

The OM is divorced, and I do believe that. The first time we met he said he had been married for five years and divorced, but I understand your point, can never be sure really.

 

 

I am not sole caregiver for my mother, but I do help out a lot, as do the rest of my family. It is a big source of strain, which also makes divorce seem harder, as husband does support me emotionally.

 

 

Thank you for your advice. Perhaps you are right, I need to look at each part and not stress too much.

 

 

I don't really want to drag my husband on a hellish ride, but I don't know whether to stay or go.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Be honest with yourself... it is the best way to live.

 

You don't really love your husband, and if you think about it, you never really did.

 

The thing you should know, whether you get with OM or not, is that is it far kinder to divorce your husband straight out, than it is to string him along.

 

It will hurt him but not as bad as when he finds out about your affair.

 

If you do actually care for him at all, the right thing to do is divorce him now and move on with your life, and let him do the same...

 

That is the best thing to do...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

FWIW, MC helped us a lot while I was in my affair, as well as smoothed the divorce path. We had a couple bumps and a few angry words but it was more about procedural frustrations than personal stuff. The key is in the processing. How we choose to process what is in front of us.

 

You remember how things were 'head over heels' with your H. That's what you're getting with vacation guy, augmented by years of growth due to the relationship with your H.

 

I've been through this with a number of MW's and I get where you're coming from. There's a lot of 'in the moment' stuff and the feelings of excitement. For some people, they can have that throughout their M's. For others, the love changes. We choose how we process all that stuff.

 

I understand the divorce process is quite different in the UK versus US. More tortuous and time consuming. Think it through. If a counselor is available to you, give that a try. If desiring to continue the M, task an IC with processes for disclosure and examining the upsides and downsides. IMO, if desiring to continue, I always recommend getting it all out there. Disclose, accept the consequences, work it as a team. If that kills the M. OK. It's dead. If exiting, doesn't really matter. End it.

 

I'd also suggest getting a full STD panel if you're still conjugal/cohabiting with your H. IMO, that's the responsible thing to do. You don't know vacation guy or where he's been and protection only goes so far.

 

Good luck and hope you'll add more as things come up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The moment I saw him, I felt a crazy feeling and we ended up hanging out for the entire holiday. He said he liked me from the start, and believing me to be single, we spent all our time together, sleeping together on the last night. I enjoyed the feeling of pretending to be single again, of meeting someone amazing and who I felt more compatible with, although I am not deluding myself into thinking I know this person more than I do, it was just a sense of clicking in many ways.

 

Didn't you feel this way - and more - about your husband at one point?

 

Which leads to the central issue - you've done a lot of analysis of your husband, a complete dissection of your marriage - but very little self-examination.

 

Sounds like you've been back in the UK for a year or so, having moved there knowing the challenges your husband was going to face. As you've described, the red tape and regulations are a huge hurdle, you don't just walk in and apply for a job.

 

And yet after a year or two, you're so checked out you've already slept with someone else.

 

Who's really the problem here?

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

Another aspect of effective therapy is taking responsibility. Work on that. People immediately go to the negative buzzwords designed to evoke shame and self-loathing. That's a clever social hack. Resist that, rather take a solid look at your actions and take responsibility for them. Own them. Own the pain they caused you. Engage empathy. Put yourself in your H's shoes. If he was fully disclosed today, right now, how would he feel? Own that. That's part of your responsibility when taking actions which betray a marriage.

 

We did the blame finger pointing thing in MC and the MC worked that into looking in the mirror and taking responsibility. Your infidelity is your responsibility and solely yours. No one else's. You each have responsibility for actions in the marriage. If you don't choose divorce, a MC will take the marriage on as the client and you'll each answer for your role in it. Your spouse won't get a free ride.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Nikki,

 

You don’t know anything about this man. You are living in a fantasy world, and eventually, you will be hurt. You don’t know his family, his resources and maybe some hidden criminal activities. You are willing to forgo the life with a main that worship the ground you walk on.

 

My suggestion is to tell your husband of your infidelity and divorce him asap; therefore you could live with your lover. He deserves to know, and you own that to him. The other choice is to drop the OM and ask your husband to engage in marriage counseling with you. You must decide to grow up and act like a married woman protecting her vows.

 

Best

Dreamer

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

From what you’ve written, you’ve started out by lying about your marital status. Is he interested in starting a relationship with a married woman? Maybe you should ask him.

 

Do you know how long it takes to get a divorce in the U.K.? I don’t but have read here and elsewhere that it takes awhile. Will he wait for you during the legal delay period?

 

Your H’s immigration status is another concern. Will he be deported if divorced? Is that what he wants? If he is subject to deportation does he have any continuing ties there that will let him get his feet earlier than simply being dumped at customs?

 

If you tell all to both, you may find yourself in the position of being dumped by two men at the same time. Are you prepared for that?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Contrary to what men and women would like to believe, a womans's love, if any at all, is very conditional. A woman is incapable of appreciating a man's sacrifice in her life, or to sympathies with a man: Left Australia, came to England, but just struggled to get a job and got depressed, but still a good man, but she has already had sex with another man. He made the classical mistake, he stopped 'performing' because he believed the stupid lies they told each other during the marriage : '...through good & bad, health and sickness' : he assumed unconditional love from a woman, now he is getting 'sloppy seconds'

 

What women confuse for love is actually hypergamy, what her sub-conscious mind is telling her is that,'...you invested on a less than optimum man, he is not decisive and assertive, he doesn't have his 'shiit together', he is a loser,you don't have much time left to do better, but can you do better than him, can u get commitment from a worthy man on time..'

 

His mistake; a men should never enter a woman's life, she enters his life, his frame : despite complaining about, '...I left my job to follow him when he got a promotion in a new city', women would really resent the converse; him leaving his job/country to follow the wife.

 

What women say and what they mean are two different thinks, you read a msg on this forum about a guy saying,'...It was my fault, I was working all the time,she complained that I was working to much and we weren't spending enough time together'...and quits his job and things then really get worse...A man working for long is never the problem, it's just her mind making up excuses for wanting to cheat or already cheating-the real problem is a jobless dude, never a working dude..

 

Women basically want to fck and marry winners, not good men, not bad men, just winners, whether he is married like Tiger Woods, they would rather share a winner than spend another day with a good, caring,sweet loser..

 

It sounds unromantic but yet it's true, you never leave your country for a woman, you leave your country for money or self-investment e.g education, never a woman - make money, yourself and dreams a priority and women will make you their priority, that's what works...but if u disagree, you a re welcome to this ladies husband who she admits,'...he worships the ground I walk on'

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Remember you are now 30, you have hit the wall : your youth and looks are fading, your SMV is decreasing, the quality of men you can attract is decreasing in quality and quantity, and the older you get the less they want to commit or get married. Those 'fly and hot' and 'not losers' guys you dated when you were 23 are still dating 23 year olds, you won't do better than what you did at 23.

 

If you think you can do better, do better now. Whether you realize it now or not, a few years from now you will be desperate for marriage and kids. But at this age or later, the quality of men you want aka 'Mr Right' won't be going for you, if he does, he will leave you as soon as you mention marriage (This explains why the 'egg freezing' industry is growing).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Remember you are now 30, you have hit the wall : your youth and looks are fading, your SMV is decreasing, the quality of men you can attract is decreasing in quality and quantity, and the older you get the less they want to commit or get married. Those 'fly and hot' and 'not losers' guys you dated when you were 23 are still dating 23 year olds, you won't do better than what you did at 23.

 

If you think you can do better, do better now. Whether you realize it now or not, a few years from now you will be desperate for marriage and kids. But at this age or later, the quality of men you want aka 'Mr Right' won't be going for you, if he does, he will leave you as soon as you mention marriage (This explains why the 'egg freezing' industry is growing).

 

 

To be honest James, your post sounds like fear mongering. So I should stay in a marriage I am not sure of because I've 'hit the wall?' I look better now than I did at 25 when I had gained weight in Australia and had acne from Cos. I am much fitter and take better care of myself now. I am also not sureness I want children and have never cared about being married, plus I know of many people who have met the love of their life's later. I don't believe I will be a lonely woman if I choose to divorce, I am lonely in my marriage anyway.

 

Your post smacks of sexism and choosing fear because of my declining value, and I don't see anything helpful or constructive in it. How many women stay because of things like what you've said? It doesn't make them any happier.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Contrary to what men and women would like to believe, a womans's love, if any at all, is very conditional. A woman is incapable of appreciating a man's sacrifice in her life, or to sympathies with a man: Left Australia, came to England, but just struggled to get a job and got depressed, but still a good man, but she has already had sex with another man. He made the classical mistake, he stopped 'performing' because he believed the stupid lies they told each other during the marriage : '...through good & bad, health and sickness' : he assumed unconditional love from a woman, now he is getting 'sloppy seconds'

 

What women confuse for love is actually hypergamy, what her sub-conscious mind is telling her is that,'...you invested on a less than optimum man, he is not decisive and assertive, he doesn't have his 'shiit together', he is a loser,you don't have much time left to do better, but can you do better than him, can u get commitment from a worthy man on time..'

 

His mistake; a men should never enter a woman's life, she enters his life, his frame : despite complaining about, '...I left my job to follow him when he got a promotion in a new city', women would really resent the converse; him leaving his job/country to follow the wife.

 

What women say and what they mean are two different thinks, you read a msg on this forum about a guy saying,'...It was my fault, I was working all the time,she complained that I was working to much and we weren't spending enough time together'...and quits his job and things then really get worse...A man working for long is never the problem, it's just her mind making up excuses for wanting to cheat or already cheating-the real problem is a jobless dude, never a working dude..

 

Women basically want to fck and marry winners, not good men, not bad men, just winners, whether he is married like Tiger Woods, they would rather share a winner than spend another day with a good, caring,sweet loser..

 

It sounds unromantic but yet it's true, you never leave your country for a woman, you leave your country for money or self-investment e.g education, never a woman - make money, yourself and dreams a priority and women will make you their priority, that's what works...but if u disagree, you a re welcome to this ladies husband who she admits,'...he worships the ground I walk on'

 

It also has to do with the fact he drinks, doesn't communicate and is lazy, he metaphorically worships the ground I work on but he hasn't shown me so for a long time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Dear Nikki,

 

You don’t know anything about this man. You are living in a fantasy world, and eventually, you will be hurt. You don’t know his family, his resources and maybe some hidden criminal activities. You are willing to forgo the life with a main that worship the ground you walk on.

 

My suggestion is to tell your husband of your infidelity and divorce him asap; therefore you could live with your lover. He deserves to know, and you own that to him. The other choice is to drop the OM and ask your husband to engage in marriage counseling with you. You must decide to grow up and act like a married woman protecting her vows.

 

Best

Dreamer

 

Thank you Dreamer, I really appreciate your post and constructive advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with James, but not because you have or will become a dusty old bag that men wont find attractive, that's just ridiculous. However, the way you are handling your situation suggests that you will continue to repeat the pattern. As an example, you are already repeating how you start a relationship. I get the feeling you didn't know your husband all that well before you were married. Now you are again moving quickly with a guy you dont know that well. 1 2 3 reset 1 2 3 reset.

 

Do something different,

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Divorce. That simple. Nothing wrong with that.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post.
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your entire post shows that you are a very, very selfish person. You got married not for love, but bc you wanted to hang in Australia.

 

You stopped liking your H (you never loved him) when he had issues getting a job. Again, selfish.

 

You are having an affair bc you're selfish.

 

My advice? Divorce him. Let him find a wife that will love him like a wife is supposed to.

 

And then go be with your OM until you tire of him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nikki Sahagin
I agree with James, but not because you have or will become a dusty old bag that men wont find attractive, that's just ridiculous. However, the way you are handling your situation suggests that you will continue to repeat the pattern. As an example, you are already repeating how you start a relationship. I get the feeling you didn't know your husband all that well before you were married. Now you are again moving quickly with a guy you dont know that well. 1 2 3 reset 1 2 3 reset.

 

Do something different,

 

Hi and thanks for your post. I agree that there is a pattern to my behaviour. My husband and I did know each other, but not in the deeper way we should have before we married. We had to marry for a visa so that we could stay in the same country, this seemed preferable to carrying on in a long distance relationship, which may eventually have broken us. I feel we went from being in the same country to long distance to married and missed many little lessons about what being with the other would be like.

 

 

Perhaps therapy will help uncover what this pattern is about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nikki Sahagin
Divorce. That simple. Nothing wrong with that.

 

For some reason, I am making it more complicated. I am afraid to get a divorce and then regret my decision.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nikki Sahagin
Your entire post shows that you are a very, very selfish person. You got married not for love, but bc you wanted to hang in Australia.

 

You stopped liking your H (you never loved him) when he had issues getting a job. Again, selfish.

 

You are having an affair bc you're selfish.

 

My advice? Divorce him. Let him find a wife that will love him like a wife is supposed to.

 

And then go be with your OM until you tire of him.

 

 

I married not to stay in Australia, but so my husband could come to England. We married for the visa so that we could be in the same country together. If we had both been from England or from Australia, we wouldn't have gotten married as there would have been no need to. The spouse visa was the only option open to us beyond carrying on long distance, which neither of us wanted to do any longer.

 

 

 

I didn't stop loving my husband, in fact I still do love him but am not sure if I am IN love with him, but a combination of money problems/his drinking/non-existent sex and different interests have made me doubt our compatibility.

 

 

I agree that the affair is a selfish decision, but otherwise do not agree that I am a selfish person, at least no more selfish than any other.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nikki Sahagin
Didn't you feel this way - and more - about your husband at one point?

 

Which leads to the central issue - you've done a lot of analysis of your husband, a complete dissection of your marriage - but very little self-examination.

 

Sounds like you've been back in the UK for a year or so, having moved there knowing the challenges your husband was going to face. As you've described, the red tape and regulations are a huge hurdle, you don't just walk in and apply for a job.

 

And yet after a year or two, you're so checked out you've already slept with someone else.

 

Who's really the problem here?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I did used to feel that way about my husband. I think I expected things to be easier than they have been, and reality has been a huge slap. I have thought on this and realised I've never had a 'fun' relationship, it's always been heavy in some way....visas, immigration, mum's illness...and I think I'm missing a relationship that would be more fun, less difficult, not so many problems.

Link to post
Share on other sites
..and I think I'm missing a relationship that would be more fun, less difficult, not so many problems.

 

Do you mean like a FWB relationship? Because every real LTR I’ve ever been in had its share of ups and downs, problems included.

 

Your coping mechanism, at least in this case, seems flawed. I’m sure your H has his own issues with the marriage, should he address them by cheating on you?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
understand50

Nikki,

 

The only thing you have to fall back on is your own personal code, or honor. You know what you are doing is wrong, no matter how you spin it.

 

My advise,

 

1) Tell your husband everything. Tell your AP everything.

 

2) Decide, and follow though, with a divorce, or if you husband is willing to give you a second chance, reconciliation. Or have you thought of this, your AP, may not want someone who misled him. I mean, if his past wife cheated, why would he want you, a cheater in his life? See if he will give you a second chance. What ever you do, commit to doing it, and follow though.

 

Following though is your issue, you married, but never committed for the long term. You cheated, and now have a LDR, but cannot tell this man the truth, you are married. So at this time, your whole life is just lying.

 

YOU must come clean with both. I think you may find that there is a good chance nether will want you in their life. This is not about you anymore, it is also about them. Give them the information, so they may decide what is right for them. You made your choice, when you hoped in to bed and cheated. Now your only real option is to come clean.

 

I wish you luck.......

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...