False reconcilliation- need

[imsosad]

Hello all,

LS has been very helpful to me in the past, during my own divorce and second life partnership.

I'd like some advice on how to handle this very sensitive situation.

A close family member has shared with me that her husband confessed to a three months affair, during which he fell in love with his AP.

Overcoming her initial shock and anger ( things seemed great between them), she offered CC, on condition he immediately goes NC with the AP.

He agreed and they have entered CC and trying to make progress.

By a complete coincedence, I have come to learn that the affair is still ongoing, it never stopped for a day.

I see my family member investing time, energy and money in to very intensive CC, and I feel like I should tell her what I know.

Otoh, I'm hesitant to cause damage to the reconcilliation process.

Any comment is welcome and appreciated.

[elaine567]

By a complete coincedence, I have come to learn that the affair is still ongoing, it never stopped for a day.

I see my family member investing time, energy and money in to very intensive CC, and I feel like I should tell her what I know.

Otoh, I'm hesitant to cause damage to the reconcilliation process.

Any comment is welcome and appreciated.

What reconciliation process?

There is no reconciliation process, it is a farce.

Tell her.

[imsosad]

Hello all,

LS has been very helpful to me in the past, during my own divorce and second life partnership.

I'd like some advice on how to handle this very sensitive situation.

A close family member has shared with me that her husband confessed to a three months affair, during which he fell in love with his AP.

Overcoming her initial shock and anger ( things seemed great between them), she offered CC, on condition he immediately goes NC with the AP.

He agreed and they have entered CC and trying to make progress.

By a complete coincedence, I have come to learn that the affair is still ongoing, it never stopped for a day.

I see my family member investing time, energy and money in to very intensive CC, and I feel like I should tell her what I know.

Otoh, I'm hesitant to cause damage to the reconcilliation process.

Any comment is welcome and appreciated.

[elaine567]

If he is indeed in love with the OW, he will likely eventually leave so she needs to be up to speed with what is really going on.

[imsosad]

For some reason, I had trouble editing:

DD was two months ago.

Another important thing I learned was that the A had been going on way longer than he said, it has been 16 months.

[imsosad]

What reconciliation process?

There is no reconciliation process, it is a farce.

Tell her.

 

Would you really tell?

I'm kind of icky about stepping in to their marriage.

She really wants it to work, they have a very young child.

[elaine567]

Would you really tell?

I'm kind of icky about stepping in to their marriage.

She really wants it to work, they have a very young child.

 

 

 

A 16 month affair that is supposed to be in NC but is going ahead all guns blazin', is a huge threat to her marriage. She needs to be able to protect herself and her child here and she cannot do that if she thinks the affair lasted 3 months and is all finished.

[imsosad]

A 16 month affair that is supposed to be in NC but is going ahead all guns blazin', is a huge threat to her marriage. She needs to be able to protect herself and her child here and she cannot do that if she thinks the affair lasted 3 months and is all finished.

 

I know you're right.

I am not sure how to ho about it.

I hate the thought of devestating her.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Otoh, I'm hesitant to cause damage to the reconcilliation process.

Any comment is welcome and appreciated.

 

 

First and foremost - the POS husband is damaging the reconciliation process, not you or informing the wife. This is ALL on the husband.

 

 

 

It's better for the wife to know the full scope now, as opposed to 6 months down the road. She will find out eventually. (As a BS, if I were in her shoes and knew that a friend knew the truth and didn't tell me, I'd be po'ed.)

[Orokotikki]

As a BS, I would implore you to tell her - but be explicit about what evidence and sources you have rather than your own conclusions.

 

Couples trying to recover are very vulnerable to 3rd party lies - like if the AP is aware of the situation and wants to torpedo it.

 

I don't exactly what evidence you have, but I would implore you again to share it with her. As the BS sometimes it seems like the whole world is upside down, inside out, and against you.

[Mr. Lucky]

She really wants it to work, they have a very young child.

 

Then she should have all the relevant information at hand in order to have the best chance of success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Also this is not a neighbour, an acquaintance, a work colleague, a friend you see every now and again, someone you hardly know, this is a "close family member", you have to tell her.

You can't just sit back and let this lying guy stomp all over her.

Yes she will be devastated but not as devastated when she realises her family knew and didn't tell her.

[Davey L]

You should tell her. But, you can only tell her what you know for a fact, do not make any inferences or assumptions about what is going on. And do so as tactfully as possible. And don’t tell anyone else.

 

A friend of mine once told me, discretely and privately, that while out for dinner he had seen my wife dining with another man and just wanted to make sure that I knew about it and was ok with it. I thanked him and assured him that I was aware of it and it was a colleague of hers, even though actually I hadn’t been aware. He never brought it up again, not did he make any assumptions about what he’d seen. That way embarrassment and awkwardness was avoided yet I got the tip-off that I needed. I have been forever grateful to my friend for the way he raised the subject.

 

I’d suggest a similar approach.

[DavidJoseph]

Just tell her directly then let her be.

 

From what you described, she will let herself be gaslighted and manipulated anyway. If she blindly believed him without requiring evidence, she will be like a sheep to the wolf. Way overmatched. Hevis willing to lie and cheat, she is acting like he is honest. Despite his obvious actions to the contrary.

 

What kind of relationship that you have that you are so timid to want to just flat-out tell her? Is there something about you or her or your past with her to make this difficult?

 

Not that close?

[elaine567]

Just tell her directly then let her be.

 

From what you described, she will let herself be gaslighted and manipulated anyway. If she blindly believed him without requiring evidence, she will be like a sheep to the wolf. Way overmatched. Hevis willing to lie and cheat, she is acting like he is honest. Despite his obvious actions to the contrary.

She had no reason not to believe him, he agreed to CC and agreed to NC, as far as she is aware he meant it.

He is the man she loves and married, of course she desperately wants to believe him, she also has a child to consider.

She thinks it was 3 months of "madness" and it is all over now.

She is vulnerable and clutching at straws, yes, but I don't think one can blame any BS in this situation for wanting to believe their spouse.

[imsosad]

She had no reason not to believe him, he agreed to CC and agreed to NC, as far as she is aware he meant it.

He is the man she loves and married, of course she desperately wants to believe him, she also has a child to consider.

She thinks it was 3 months of "madness" and it is all over now.

She is vulnerable and clutching at straws, yes, but I don't think one can blame any BS in this situation for wanting to believe their spouse.

 

Yep, you got it 100%

He is an all around great guy, he's been a good husband to her for a long time and he is a good dad.

That's why I'm struggling with this, I know how much she wants it to work out.

I saw evidence that can not be disputed and still cam hardly believe it.

[Orokotikki]

Yep, you got it 100%

He is an all around great guy, he's been a good husband to her for a long time and he is a good dad.

No, he isn't. Being faithful is one of the basic tenets and pillars to being a "good husband", a "good father", and imho a "great guy".

He is just good at lying and controlling his image to appear that way.

 

My wife could have the looks of a model, a gourmet chef, sexual dynamo with me, keep the house spotless, and have a well paying career - but if she's banging someone else - wouldn't want nothing to do with her.

[imsosad]

No, he isn't. Being faithful is one of the basic tenets and pillars to being a "good husband", a "good father", and imho a "great guy".

He is just good at lying and controlling his image to appear that way.

 

My wife could have the looks of a model, a gourmet chef, sexual dynamo with me, keep the house spotless, and have a well paying career - but if she's banging someone else - wouldn't want nothing to do with her.

Oh, don't get me wrong. He is not being a great guy, good husband etc. I meant that this is how she has experienced him for a long time.

I guess my main question, for those who have been there, is can there be any form of reconcilliation? Maybe with time and therapy, he will end it by his own choice and truly recommit to the marriage.

It can't be that rare to keep contact or lie about the extent of the affair and still, most marriages survive.

[Starswillshine]

Oh, don't get me wrong. He is not being a great guy, good husband etc. I meant that this is how she has experienced him for a long time.

I guess my main question, for those who have been there, is can there be any form of reconcilliation? Maybe with time and therapy, he will end it by his own choice and truly recommit to the marriage.

It can't be that rare to keep contact or lie about the extent of the affair and still, most marriages survive.

 

My WH lied and said he was NC. He lied about the details. The length of time. What and when happened. Even after admitting the multiple times he had sex, he still left out a couple of more. I will never understand the mindset. Those lies did us in. It will always come out. The truth always comes out. And she will be devastated over it the longer it goes on, the longer she believes she can fix it.

 

Please tell her. I wish one of his friends had had the balls to tell me.

[imsosad]

My WH lied and said he was NC. He lied about the details. The length of time. What and when happened. Even after admitting the multiple times he had sex, he still left out a couple of more. I will never understand the mindset. Those lies did us in. It will always come out. The truth always comes out. And she will be devastated over it the longer it goes on, the longer she believes she can fix it.

 

Please tell her. I wish one of his friends had had the balls to tell me.

 

Thank you. So sorry you went through this.

Can I please ask if your marriage eventually survived? I get the feeling it didn't?

I guess I'm putting off the inevitable.

[Orokotikki]

There can be reconciliation.

But the wife deserves to know the TRUTH first. She should be able to decide if she wants to reconcile with that man, knowing how he truly behaves.

 

A lot of marriages also survive, while WH has several painful affairs that hurt the BW psychologically, over and over. Wasting more and more years of her life, and scarring their psyche more deeply.

 

Or sometimes they just survive for a while the WS gets their ducks in a row to screw over their BS more completely.

[Starswillshine]

Thank you. So sorry you went through this.

Can I please ask if your marriage eventually survived? I get the feeling it didn't?

I guess I'm putting off the inevitable.

 

 

It didnt. We went to CC as well. But then I found out he was still lying. And we separated. It's been a year and hopefully in the next couple weeks the divorce will be done.

[preraph]

If you're certain he still having the affair I think you should tell her. Then if she chooses to believe him over you just be prepared for that but she'll believe what she wants to believe.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess my main question, for those who have been there, is can there be any form of reconciliation?

 

The word conciliate means to "stop (someone) from being angry or discontented", accomplished in this instance by recommitting to you partner, your marriage and the vows and responsibilities implied.

 

So to answer your question, it's a little tough for the WH to do while he's still seeing the OW...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bufo]

Time for a little “let’s pretend”. Pretend you are in her shoes and she is in yours. What you you want? To continue in ignorance of the truth or to know the truth?

I think the answer is obvious unless you think “living a lie” is a desirable way to live

 

As was mentioned above, your friend will likely learn the truth sooner or later. Then you have to keep your mouth shut or she will (rightly) view you as part of the problem.

 

Especially since her H is deliberately misleading her with the marriage counseling or whatever he’s fooling her with.

 

She will always be part of your family. Most of us think and believe that family should stick together. Start by letting her know that what you plan to tell her is t easy. ask her if she’d rather have the truth or live in blissful ignorance. Her call, not yours.

 

But first ask yourself how reliable your information is. If for instance you heard it from a friend of OW, it could be a bomb to be thrown into the marriage and reconciliation attempt.