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Weird Coincidences?


ginamistros10

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ginamistros10

Been married 20 years (been together 25). Have 2 teenage kids. My husband and I own an accounting firm for the past 14 years. Business slowed down and my husband became bored with our business. He went and got a new job a year ago in the corporate world. After he'd been working there a couple of months, I found my husband took a female coworker out to lunch alone (just the two of them) and took her for an hour long walk downtown showing her around (said she was from out of town).

 

Also told me she is a lesbian with a wife. I told hubby I was not very happy he chose to go do this (we had discussed this before and both agreed not to go to lunch with opposite sex alone). He blew up and told me it would probably happen again. I got upset with this response and he told me if I gave him hell about it, he would just separate from me and leave. I was like WTF? The next day, I tried reasoning with him nicely that we agreed not to do this and also the reasons why it might not be a good idea. He still insisted he was correct. This went on 4 days.

 

Finally, he agreed to "let me know ahead of time if he was going to do it again". I still wasn't too thrilled that he might go and do it again...so finally he said that he wouldn't. About a week later, my couch potato hubby came home and announced he would start working out at the office gym before or after work. (Keep in mind we already own a gym membership near our home and have always worked out there). I threw a fit because I associated this timing to coincide with his peculiar lunch dates. He told our son that I was a crazy person and that several years ago, I made his life hell when he received a text on his phone from a hooker.

 

(It was one text to him that said "hi" and he never responded to her- which he says was a "wrong number text"). During that time, he was also using a lot of online pornography. It took me a while to believe him and we did fight a lot about that episode. So finally he decided he would not use the office gym since we are paying $120/month for a gym already. Since he was displaying some odd behavior, I decided to take a quick look at our mobile phone records/bill. I saw some calls early in the morning and also at his lunch hour to the same odd number. I looked it up and it was a divorce attorney.

 

When he got home, I quizzed him about it and he said I was raising such hell, he didn't know if we needed to separate. I of course got mad at this too. He had an emotional breakdown during all of this which lasted over two weeks. He had to get an antidepressant. I thought his wacky behavior was weird. I found out the name of this supposed lesbian coworker (Jennifer). I found out that there is also another "Jennifer" at his office as well. The other Jennifer is not a lesbian but is newly married to a man....keep this in mind as I continue this story. For the next few months, my hubby comes home telling us about his day.

 

One day, he says a male coworker brought cupcakes from a little known cupcake shop near their office and they were so delicious. (Being the snoop that I am, I was looking at the non-lesbian Jennifer's Instagram account....and low and behold, Jennifer had a photo of a dozen cupcakes from this little cupcake shop. The next week, he came home and told us he wanted to take cooking classes at this little hole-in-the-wall chef kitchen in our hometown. Looking back thru Jennifer's Instagram, I see that her and her hubby took a cooking class there....hmmm. I'm starting to wonder if maybe he didn't take the lesbian to lunch after all and maybe he took this other Jennifer?

 

There were 2-3 other coincidences on her Instagram of things my hubby came home and told us he heard about. Then a few months later, I see that Jennifer is pregnant and due at the end of this year. Her and her husband seem very excited. Hmmm......my suspicious mind is running away at this point. So for all of you doubters out there....just a couple of questions/things don't add up to me. Can you explain why someone would threaten to divorce their wife of 20 years after they come home from work after having a private lunch with a woman and their wife gets upset. Who does that? Why would he be so aggressive in trying to call a divorce lawyer, threaten to split with me, etc.? Since all of this, I have tried to get the truth from him and he won't budge.

 

He insists it was nothing but a lunch with the lesbian. I have since told him that I thought he was unhappy, asked him to leave, threatened divorce myself, etc. He insists that he wants to work things out and won't leave. Every couple of weeks he complains about me (sex, not giving him enough attention, etc).

 

We have been having sex at least once per 10 days or week. Nothing is enough for him. HELP! What is wrong with this man?

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Yeah, to me from the outside looking in, I'm kinda on the fence. The proof is shaky at best given that you appear to be somewhat of a helicopter wife. What I mean by that, if someone is continually looking for signs of infidelity then they will find signs that can be twisted.

 

My guess is he cant truly be honest because of your reaction to the smallest things. A little cheater handbook 101, if there was something unbecoming with the lunch all that time back its doubtful that he would have alerted you to it. His reaction could be from your tone and him feeling that you were accusing him of something more.

 

Here is the thing.....stop telling him everything you find out, if he is cheating he will simply get better at hiding things. Watch and record STOP talking.

 

In my opinion, worst case scenario, your husband has a crush on a woman not interested in him in that way, but he is attempting to peacock. That explains the gym and cooking class.

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...your husband has a crush on a woman not interested in him in that way, but he is attempting to peacock. That explains the gym and cooking class.

 

Yea, she probably smiled and said a few kind words.

 

 

I get the impression that there's pretty much nothing he could do to meet with your approval. Accurate? When was the last time you went out of your way to make him feel appreciated?

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I'm with DTK...

 

It is hard to say the he is having an affair for sure.

 

So, keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.

 

Here is the bigger problem... You GIVE him sex about every 10 days...WTF???

 

The way that you say it tells me that you don't like it. And you think you are going above and beyond by GIVING him sex every 2 weeks like you are patting a puppy on the head.

 

If he is a good little boy you will screw him...

 

And HE says you don't give him enough attention... OH but that is him just being silly.

 

Well hey, guess what I think 10 times a year is a sexless marriage, 20 times a year is a little more than sexless.

 

So you think 30 times a year is a bid deal?????

 

It is not, plus your attitude makes it even worse. Sounds like duty sex to me, and men hate that.

 

It sounds like COUCH POTATO is getting some attention from other females and he likes where it is going.

 

I am not saying this to hurt you, I am telling you that men like affection, touch, in most cases as much as sex almost.

 

You guys are not that old, I believe your sex life should be much better.

 

So IMHO your attitude toward sex and affection is turning your husband off, and it may be too late.

 

I am a high drive guy, 54 and my GF is 60. Now she is young for her actual age, but regardless, we have sex every day that we are together and most of the time twice a day if we have time.

 

None of this would ever excuse an affair for your husband, but it defiantly could be a reason that he would look around.

 

Does this register?

Edited by BluesPower
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Yeah, to me from the outside looking in, I'm kinda on the fence. The proof is shaky at best given that you appear to be somewhat of a helicopter wife. What I mean by that, if someone is continually looking for signs of infidelity then they will find signs that can be twisted.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how she connected the one-word non-returned text with a hooker :confused: ?

 

ginamistros10, there are problems in your marriage ranging from communication and conflict resolution to intimacy - and none of them are coincidental. Both parties seem equally responsible.

 

Counseling would seem to be a good avenue to explore strengthening the relationship and required trust. Hope things work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - Paragraphs allow more people to easily read your post and respond, especially from mobile devices.

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ginamistros10

I found out it was a hooker by googling the phone number. I noticed the text because it came in at an odd time of day (very early in the morning before I got up - but while he was up).

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ginamistros10

I never said “give him sex”. What I said is “We have been having sex at least once per 10 days or week.” When these problems started, we were having sex 2 times per week. That wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted more but I was going thru a chronic health condition and always felt like nothing could please him so I stopped caring and it went to once a week-10 days. In the meantime we went to a counselor who diagnosed him with a mild sex addiction.

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I'm with DTK...

 

It is hard to say the he is having an affair for sure.

 

So, keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.

 

Here is the bigger problem... You GIVE him sex about every 10 days...WTF???

 

The way that you say it tells me that you don't like it. And you think you are going above and beyond by GIVING him sex every 2 weeks like you are patting a puppy on the head.

 

If he is a good little boy you will screw him...

 

And HE says you don't give him enough attention... OH but that is him just being silly.

 

Well hey, guess what I think 10 times a year is a sexless marriage, 20 times a year is a little more than sexless.

 

So you think 30 times a year is a bid deal?????

 

It is not, plus your attitude makes it even worse. Sounds like duty sex to me, and men hate that.

 

It sounds like COUCH POTATO is getting some attention from other females and he likes where it is going.

 

I am not saying this to hurt you, I am telling you that men like affection, touch, in most cases as much as sex almost.

 

You guys are not that old, I believe your sex life should be much better.

 

So IMHO your attitude toward sex and affection is turning your husband off, and it may be too late.

 

I am a high drive guy, 54 and my GF is 60. Now she is young for her actual age, but regardless, we have sex every day that we are together and most of the time twice a day if we have time.

 

None of this would ever excuse an affair for your husband, but it defiantly could be a reason that he would look around.

 

Does this register?

 

 

and here we go, " it's not your fault your husband is looking around or maybe cheating, but if you had sex more often with him, this problem wouldn't exist".

 

 

No one can control someone elses behvaior, yet women are expected to. He's not a child, and if he can't keep mr. winky at home and his pants zipped up, that's 100 percent on him.

 

 

 

OP, I don't know if your husband is cheating or not. None of us do. If you don't mind a suggetsion, I would sit down with your husband and lay out all your feelings, suspicions and insecurities ( we all have them) . Between the two of you, set some ground rules for opposite sex friendships and agree to stick to them. If he can't ( or won't) then at least you'll know the value he places on your marriage, and you can begin to make informed decisions.

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I never said “give him sex”. What I said is “We have been having sex at least once per 10 days or week.” When these problems started, we were having sex 2 times per week. That wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted more but I was going thru a chronic health condition and always felt like nothing could please him so I stopped caring and it went to once a week-10 days. In the meantime we went to a counselor who diagnosed him with a mild sex addiction.

 

 

OP,

there are some guys who will use " I wanted more sex" as an excuse for all kinds of crappy treatment of their wife/ partner. Some feel that's an acceptable rationale, while others don't.

 

I can only assume that if your husband is having sex once every week to ten days, then neither are you. Does that mean you should feel a-okay about going out and flirting or worse? Of course not, and if it's not okay for you, then it's not okay for him either. If your husband isn't happy, then he needs to act like an adult and actually talk to you about it. Instead, he's acting like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

 

You indicate you sought some professional help, and your counselor used the information gleaned from the both of you to come up with a diagnosis of sorts. What advice did he or she give the two of your for your relationship?

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I never said “give him sex”. What I said is “We have been having sex at least once per 10 days or week.” When these problems started, we were having sex 2 times per week. That wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted more but I was going thru a chronic health condition and always felt like nothing could please him so I stopped caring and it went to once a week-10 days. In the meantime we went to a counselor who diagnosed him with a mild sex addiction.

 

Listen... I am just telling you how it sounds. Trying to get you to think about how you think and feel about it.

 

See how you talk about you stopped caring. And wanting sex more than twice a week is not a mild sex addiction. And if you are healthy now, don't you want for your husband to desire you?

 

You are pointing out the things you are seeing in your husband.

 

I am telling you that I see a man, right or wrong, that feels like he is not getting enough attention at home.

 

And you proceed to tell me he should be fine every 10 days or once a week. OK, and I am telling you that he does not feel like he is getting enough attention.

 

Can you see how your thought process that "he wants more well too bad" , may be causing issues in your marriage. And it is not just sex, it is affections and appreciation.

 

So let's not get defensive and think about what may be going on.

 

Like other said, I cannot say that he is or is not having an affair. But, from the way that he has acted, and the things you have written about, I think he may be about to...

 

All I am saying is that a man that is not getting laid enough, and does not feel appreciated is primed for an affair.

 

Is it that you want to fix this, or want to catch him so that you can divorce?

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I don’t know if he’s cheating or not. But there are some similarities I see with a situation I was in a few years ago.

 

At home it wasn’t feeling so good. Wife was always grumpy, infrequent sex (and what sex there was felt like duty sex). Not much affection, no hugs, cuddles things like that. Conversations were largely functional.

 

Maybe it was the wrong thing to do but I just craved some friendly female company, so I started get friendly with a lady at work. I thought she was “safe”, she was dog-ugly and a lesbian (well I thought so but it turned out later that she was bi, actually more into men than women). We went out for lunches, met up a few times after work and so on. I just loved seeing a friendly smiling female face across the table and enjoying the female company.

 

The thing is, gradually over the months, to my surprise I stopped seeing her as ugly and started finding her increasingly attractive. The conversations became increasingly flirty and inappropriate.

 

We would almost certainly would have ended up having an affair. Fortunately my wife, who is rather more sensible than me, must have noticed things were amiss, and things at home improved. I started feeling guilty about my secret lunch dates, slowed things down a bit with the other woman and did what I should have done in the first place and put a bit more work into my marriage. Not long after the other woman left the company and I don’t see her any more. Now I meet my wife at lunchtime if I need some female company. And sometimes it seems that she actually wants sex, not just doing her duty.

 

I wonder if this is what is going on with your husband. It’s wrong of him to do it, as it was wrong of me. But the reality you have to deal with is the situation as it is, not the situation as it should be. If it’s not already too late (and I fear it may be) then maybe there’s something to be learnt from my wife’s approach. In my case her non-confrontational method, making more of an effort to be nice and welcoming, worked.

 

Of course “your mileage may vary” - your situation may be different.

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In the meantime we went to a counselor who diagnosed him with a mild sex addiction.

 

As other have pointed out, another example of you filtering the circumstances to support the conclusion you want.

 

ginamistros10, a marriage has to work for both parties involved. Clearly, there are parts of the relationship that don't meet your expectations. You might have to accept the probability that your husband feels the same way.

 

Again, it seems better communication would allow a healthier exchange of thoughts and feelings. Perhaps a day will come when no secret lunches for him, no stalking text and social media for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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ginamistros10

I will say this....we were doing fine before he started this new job. We were going on dates, he told me he was satisfied intimately, I was buying him new clothes for his job, we were talking & texting each other daily while he was at work. We were over that stuff that happened years ago. This is why I was blindsided with his private lunch with another woman. It’s not like a bunch of bad stuff was going on. We were cool. Which is why I got so upset by it. I wasn’t expecting a reaction like that from him (the I can live without you attitude). I also think his emotional breakdown shortly thereafter was weird. I have actually thought about this so much. Why would he react if this lady is a lesbian. Why so defensive. Which is why I wondered if he possibly could’ve been with the other Jennifer (the nonlesbian). She is the one that had things on her Instagram that he would come home talking about. She’s also the one who is currently 5 months pregnant right now.

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Hi Gina, sorry to see you on the horns of a dilemma like this. From all that you have written it seems that relations between you and your husband are strained and may soon cross the elastic limit. I wanted to ask you if you can give an objective picture of your relationship over the course of the 25 years that you have been together? Can you pin point times when things went south for a bit and then never recovered to the level of their original state? These times may give you the markers when your marriage started going down hill bit by bit and both of you overlooked these markers and swept them under the rug instead of grappling with them head on.

 

Most people on this and other forums reiterate that cheating on the part of one spouse is entirely on that person and nothing to do with the marriage. However, to my mind, sometimes the situation in a marriage may drive one or the other spouse into infidelity because of the sheer intolerable situation as seen from their perspective. Everyone has different tolerance levels and one partner in a union may have lower levels than the other partner. I also think that one partner may be weaker, emotionally than the other partner and so it becomes the responsibility of the stronger partner to carry the weaker one over the rough spots in a marriage. If both partners sit on their high horses and expect the other to do something then the marriage is effectively over. In this case I think your husband is emotionally the weaker of you two and therefore, will need you to help him over the rough spot you two are facing. Of course that is dependent on whether you are still invested in this marriage and whether your husband is too! So think it over and decide what you want and what you want to do. Warm wishes.

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ginamistros10

Thank you for your kind words and support. I think our problems revolve around sex. My husband cannot make an emotional connection and I feel uses sex to help with boredom, helplessness, stress, etc. He is a hyper sexual person. In our twenties and thirties, sex was constantly on his mind. Daily he watched pornolography and read Penthouse letters. He had to constantly have fantasies during sex with me. He even got robotic and would act out porn scenes on me down to the placement of his hand on my buttocks and calling me

*itch repeatedly during the act. We have acted out so many fantasies and I simply began to long for an emotional connection after so many years together. I felt empty and unloved due to this behavior. When he went to counseling the counselor suggested to him that he had a mild sex addiction. He swore off porn and started reading his bible every night instead. However I worry he just repressed this problem and is currently still acting out behind my back now.

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Hi Gina, sorry to hear you say that sex is the elephant in the room. As far as a sex drive is concerned one cannot really fault your husband for a high sex drive. It is part of his genetic make up and cannot really be erased from his persona. However he can certainly train himself to channel it in such a way that it does not overwhelm you or make you cringe whenever he wants it. Maybe a sex therapist can help him. There is also the possibility that the two of you may be sexually incompatible.

 

I think such things can best be discussed in marriage counselling and possible courses of action on how to resolve these problems between the two of you can be worked out mutually with the help of the counsellor. I would think that in addition to MC both of you may have to undergo IC simultaneously to get the maximum benefit of these counselling sessions. You definitely have to articulate your need for an emotional connection with your husband for you to enjoy sex with him. Sex has to be a mutual enjoyment activity if it is to be an enhancer of your union and a creator of an unbreakable bond. If one person in the marriage selfishly pursues his or her own pleasure while ignoring the needs of the other then that is a sure fire way to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs! Sex in marriage is more than just a physical activity meant to get one off. There used to be a polite term for it in the old days which went by the name of 'Love making'. Sadly, people these days prefer to emphasize sex rather than love making with reference to marriage.

 

Love making in marriage will help cement your marriage rather than drive you apart and so that should become the cornerstone of your efforts to recover your marriage. Both of you need to sit down together, undisturbed and have a serious discussion about each others needs and how these can best be met. These can also be discussed in MC. So I guess intrinsically you know what your problems are and how these can be resolved. All you need is the resolve to do so. Warm wishes.

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Gina, of course your husband hides his desire from you, it sounds like he has read your actions as rejection. I'm not saying this is what actually happened, but it appears it's how he took it.

 

We have to be careful about letting our partners and spouses know we are either into different things, have different desires or are uncomfortable with parts of our sex life. Especially from women to men, because so many men place a much higher value on their ability to be a sexual powerhouse.

 

Have you actually communicated your desire for more intimate sex? At the right time? The right time isnt when you are fighting about why you aren't having sex. In those situations all a person hears when you complain is they aren't good enough. Which only makes things worse.

 

The power in therapy is teaching people how to effectively communicate with one another, it's not some magic room with a wizard that wave a wand or wiggles the nose and makes it all better. You don't really need both partners to be willing to attend for a while. What I'm saying is you could go, learn to communicate better than maybe it will make him more willing.

 

one thing that has to stop is the you constantly accusing him of cheating, if he is, he will simply get better at hiding it. if he isnt you may be damaging your marriage beyond repair.

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Starswillshine

Curious, why do you guys have these rules and why is it that you check his phone? No judgement here, I did all these things and wished for those rules... but it was because my husband had once cheated and he still had what I considered extremely flirtatious interactions.

 

When I talked to him about my feelings and how it made me uncomfortable, he blew me off. Told me I was just so insecure. And that I was just going to drive him to cheat. Well, he WAS cheating... AT THAT TIME. In fact, I'm not sure there was any time in our 20 years where he wasnt cheating.

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He's cheating on you with a coworker and hookers and you respond to his infidelities andindescretions by throwing fits and freaking out.

 

 

 

He's moving further away from you to the point where he outright tells you he's not going to stop doing those things even though they upset you greatly, he tells your son that you're crazy, he's contact a divorce attorney, and you continue to yell and scream as if you think he's going to somehow start listening to you.

 

 

 

There's no way this is going to work.

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Can you explain why someone would threaten to divorce their wife of 20 years

We have been having sex at least once per 10 days or week. Nothing is enough for him. HELP! What is wrong with this man?

That second quote would do it for me to be absolutely honest.

 

Look this might sound a bit mean but. This is your perspective, your take on this, your interpretation. While some of the stuff he is up to isn't particularly great and a tiny bit sketchy. I'd run for the hills for a bunch of other reasons.

 

You seem to, not really like your husband. Your entire text is accusations, trash talking him and pretend "sex every 10 days" is a huge bother and effort on your part. I'd question why you're even married.

 

In the meantime we went to a counselor who diagnosed him with a mild sex addiction.

Get a new counselor and a competent one. That one sounds like a complete failure. If someone diagnoses a sex addiction because someone would like to have sex more than thrice a month or once a week then most everyone is a sex addict.

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That second quote would do it for me to be absolutely honest.

 

Look this might sound a bit mean but. This is your perspective, your take on this, your interpretation. While some of the stuff he is up to isn't particularly great and a tiny bit sketchy. I'd run for the hills for a bunch of other reasons.

 

You seem to, not really like your husband. Your entire text is accusations, trash talking him and pretend "sex every 10 days" is a huge bother and effort on your part. I'd question why you're even married.

 

 

Get a new counselor and a competent one. That one sounds like a complete failure. If someone diagnoses a sex addiction because someone would like to have sex more than thrice a month or once a week then most everyone is a sex addict.

 

Yeah, it's more then reaching to say someone who desires sex more then 30 times a year is a sex addict, OP, you do realize that sex every 10 days or so equals 36 times a year, that is close to what's considered a sexless marriage. I'm also betting that sex it fewer times then your willing to admit. My wife wants more sex then me, she once asked me how often I thought we had sex, my number was roughly 40% lower then what she had recorded in her journal. I was abit shocked. I think you might be as well, and I actually really enjoy sex with my wife.

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ginamistros10

I used to love him more than anything. But for the past several years he has changed a lot. We used to be so close. Right around the time of the porn stuff several yrs ago, we would fall asleep holding hands in bed at night. We were having relations 2-3 times per week right up to the time he began acting aloof and distant. We worked together in the same office. One day he tried persuading me to not come to our office that day. I thought it was peculiar. I went anyway and he was rude to me all day. That is when I started looking at our phone bill about a week later, I saw the incoming text from a weird number at 7am on the day he was trying to keep me from our office. I googled it and it was a phone number

in a backpage hookers ad. I started looking at our office computers to see if he had been on adult sites or hookup sites. I saw a ton of porn history and chat room called Live Jasmin. I also looked on his phone and determined he was doing porn every night at 11pm on his phone (he went to bed an hour earlier than me). We had discussions about why I donÂ’t care as much about the porn but I was concerned about the hooker text. He denied it all. I had to show him the computer history and then he slowly admitted he did porn at our office, Home & his phone. He always insisted the hooker was a wrong number text.

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ginamistros10

Also he was never satisfied sexually. Believe me- there was no boring vanilla sex here. We did everything. Yet he was always wanting something different. He would frequently go to adult stores buying all kinds of toys. He had a huge 5 ft x 3 ft trunk with lock in our room to store all the toys we had (I estimate we had 100 toys at one time). I also found him reading sex letters online as well - topics about men dressing as women and having sex like one , threesomes, etc. He always felt the need to spice it up...was never satisfied. This is why me and his therapist thought he was a hyper sexual.

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Sounds like he maybe going to through a midlife crisis?

 

And about your sex life. Once a week is more than most married couples. My couples therapist said having sex once or twice a week should keep your man happy, maybe unless he has a very very high sex drive.

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Sounds like he maybe going to through a midlife crisis?

 

And about your sex life. Once a week is more than most married couples. My couples therapist said having sex once or twice a week should keep your man happy, maybe unless he has a very very high sex drive.

 

Well I guess you are the low drive partner... and the therapist sides with you...

 

First of all, no therapist should ever say how much is too little or too much, with in certain parameters. Like no sex is to little, and 10 times a day may be too much.

 

But for a therapist to say that once a week is plenty, that makes them a loon. How can they say that. Just to side with the low drive partner?

 

A therapist should never take either side, they should encourage open and frank communication about sex in general, frequency and style if the partners have varying or different tastes.

 

For any therapist to say that make that therapist a fool. They have no understanding of relationships or sex.

 

I am a high drive guy, and I like sex every say, once a week would mean a divorce for me. There is room for compromise but not to once a week or in OP's case once every 10 days.

 

You need to find a new therapist...

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