Guilt of accepting attention

[Freya1]

long post ahead.

 

I met this boy after i suffered a family loss, I was 16. We started dating and he took me out of a very dark place. Two years later we broke up, i felt that we were both too young and needed different experiences before actually settling down, a few months before I had caught him talking to another girl on messenger, didn't think much of it. When we broke up I went out on one date with another boy but immediately knew I would never feel the same way about anyone. We got back together in less than a week.

 

A year later we got engaged. Our relationship hit a spot were we were both really comfortable with each other. Fast forward two years later where we were pressured by his mother to buy a house. Now in my veryy early 20s, I still wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to school or change careers, this started a drift between our families as my parents thought I was far too young to get into such a huge mortgage. He listens to his mother alot, so I feel like i was pressured into this. We started looking for a place, we saw one we both liked, however i was unsure of and would have liked to keep on looking. Enter his dad who, behind my back left a small deposit as a way to ensure that we would leave a down payment on the house.

 

We ended up buying the property. His mother wanted us to move in, i refused to do so before marriage. My feelings then were between betrayal and excitement that i own something of my own. Our relationship turned from excitement to being taken for granted. We had no wedding date, when we went out it would be with his friend and his girlfriend who looked down her nose at me, and most of the time I went to his house he would spend the time playing computer games while i was stuck watching tv at his mother's house. I once got into it with this male friend of his and wanted to leave , my fiance never picked a side. We argued alot, I would tell him we needed a break, yet he said he didn't believe in them.

 

He would rarely text me, granted his work didn't allow frequent texting, but he did go out on breaks...he also used to go for a drink after work. I spent so many weekends in because of his job. Never complained. When addressing these issues, nothing changed. Then one time, his friends pressured him into going to a strip club, which he came clean about days later. I wanted out, but was petrified becuase we owned a property together, apart from that I didn't really want to lose him. I didn't know how to get through to him, it made me feel like I was a 'trophy'. this went on for a couple of years until I changed my job. Now, he has a lot of good qualities to him, as reading this he sounds bad, financially he always supported me and always pushed me to chase my dreams, its just that his time and attention were lacking.

 

I was finally working with a diverse group of men and women all my age or slightly younger. I was the minority of 'settled' individuals. We started hanging out every day, going out for drinks and social events, I was finally feeling my age. This is when I started to get attention from the opposite sex. Guys would chat with me, we spoke about multiple things, games, cars, office gossip. I work in a mostly male environment. Some made a pass at me, but I politely declined reminding them I was in a relationship. There were a few, however, and I am ashamed to say that I did flirt back with. I made no secret that I liked the attention I was getting. My conduct was not of how an engaged person should act, and by that, I mean that I went out occasionally with friends, and once even met up with a friend to chat while he was washing his car where I lived.

 

I was there for 5mins tops. At the time I thought it was harmless flirting, that was before I started to get confused about if I wanted to be single or continue in my relationship. I came clean to my partner. I changed my number, deleted my social media accounts, and cut a whole group of 'friends' who kept nagging me to go out and party or saying i was too young for marriage out of my life. Things between my fiance and I steadily got better. I do believe that no one can measure up to my husband, he's changed and so have I and is such a gentle, caring guy and as we got older we seem to have found each other. We got married and are expecting. However I can't shake this feeling that I betrayed him by accepting attention from other people.

 

I feel like I'm a bad person and have made him look a fool, even though I never 'cheated' on him, I feel like I have 'cheated' him as he could have married a more honest woman. I know people will speak their venom and gossip, but, I partly feel that it was wrong of me to have LIKED getting attention from others. I feel like such a stupid selfish immature child if I'm being honest. I feel like I am a bad person for being unsure on whether or not I want to get married to him. I feel like regardless of what we were going through I should have been more mature about how I acted.

 

He does know all of this but doesn't seem to feel as betrayed as I feel like I betrayed him, question is, how do I move on and enjoy this special time in our lives? Why have these feelings hit me again now? No relationship is perfect but i feel like I've tainted ours.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MidwestUSA]

You confessed to your husband. You recognized the path you were on, and put a stop to it. Unless you're minimizing, what you did is pretty tame, and you seem remorseful.

 

If your husband has forgiven you, it's time to forgive yourself.

 

Congratulations on your impending arrival!

 

I'll bet it's your hormones getting the best of you. Can you explain to you husband how you're feeling? You may just need a bit of reassurance. Good luck!

[Freya1]

I think the hormone bit is very on point, feeling are amplified and this has hit me years later, after we burried it.

[d0nnivain]

Somebody paid attention to you. Big deal. You didn't betray anybody. You were flattered. That makes you human. You didn't have sex with the other guy. You took steps to prioritize your husband & your family. Put your childhood behind you & commend yourself for being the mature responsible mother you are.

[BTDT2012]

You haven't done anything wrong. You did not betray him.

[Adotta]

Where you secretly communicating with these men? Like going out of your way? Reaching out for the attention? Or just letting it roll in?

 

 

If you just let it roll in, it's not really an affair. Just poor boundaries.

 

 

Read not just friends. Reinforce your boundaries. Work on your marriage. Forgive yourself. We all enjoy attention from the opposite sex. You let it probably go a bit to far. Now you know.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah, poor boundaries is probably the most apt description of what's going on.

 

I'm happily married but if on any given day a man gives me a compliment, I will bask in that attention for a few minutes then move on. I'm not betraying my husband because I know that it's fleeting. I have good boundaries & know where the lines are drawn.

[merrmeade]

Hey, wait a minute, everybody! Let’s call things what they are. Flirting, bantering jokes, teasing and exchanging glances ARE definitely pre-mating gestures that humans refrain from once they’ve selected their partners, settled down and started a family. She did it, enjoyed the flattery and then got off the slippery slope.

 

Freya, what you did was to communicate verbally and with body language that you were available which you realized is lying, because you are not. It was, therefore, disloyal to your partner. BUT you realized it and stopped! It’s not nothing just because you didn’t actually hook up, but it IS ok now because you were honest about it to yourself and regret it.

 

It is flattering to receive all that attention. There are two reasons you need to tell your husband. Telling him is a deterrent. If it’s secret, you might do it again and start the mind games that it’s better he not find out for his sake, yards yada. The other reason is the secrecy is damaging to your marriage. Marriage flourishes with openness.

 

But they’re right that you’re carrying this thing WAYYY too far. It’s actually something to celebrate. Feel GOOD about yourself that you have the self-awareness to see it, understand it for what it is, and call it. Every betrayed spouse that reads is thinking, “Wow if only MY partner had had such a conscience and discrimination.”

[BTDT2012]

There are two reasons you need to tell your husband.

 

 

From the first post:

 

 

At the time I thought it was harmless flirting, that was before I started to get confused about if I wanted to be single or continue in my relationship. I came clean to my partner. I changed my number, deleted my social media accounts, and cut a whole group of 'friends' who kept nagging me to go out and party or saying i was too young for marriage out of my life.

 

 

All of this happened before they married.

[merrmeade]

He does know all of this but doesn't seem to feel as betrayed as I feel like I betrayed him, question is, how do I move on and enjoy this special time in our lives? Why have these feelings hit me again now? No relationship is perfect but i feel like I've tainted ours.

Yes, I missed this. You did tell him. Oint is still the same. Understand it and move on. You have a clear understanding of commitment. You did betray that but stopped in time. It’s enough