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Wife had an affair 9 years ago just found out


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I just found out my wife of 15 years had an affair with a mutual friend 9 years ago. She said it lasted 2 months and told me she did it because we weren't happy. I dont know if she feels remorse because I feel she thinks it was ok since we weren't necessarily getting along. She has told me to perk up and says that was her only affair. I'm thinking of confronting the guy about the relationship. He's been a friend to me and I feel like a damn fool. We've been happy and good together but I feel alot of anger and sadness after this bombshell. I don't want to leave but I don't know if staying us the best option either

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I dont know if she feels remorse because I feel she thinks it was ok since we weren't necessarily getting along. She has told me to perk up and says that was her only affair.

 

Her only affair? My, aren’t you fortunate...

 

How open has she been to answering your questions about when, what and where? Obviously you’ll have to deal with the “friend”, the status quo has been blown up.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Hello, friend. It's very sad to see you here but never fear! You will survive this! Please answer a few questions so we can get a better picture of your situation.

 

Firstly, how did you find out?

 

Secondly, how close are you and your WW to your mutual friend? Does he still hang around you?

 

Thirdly, does your WW (Wayward Wife) really want you to be okay with her stabbing you in the back?

 

Fourthly, are you drinking lots of water and practicing self care?

 

Infidelity is a trauma. You will NEVER, ever forget it. It will be a part of your life until you die. Your WW's expectations are unrealistic. She needs to read infidelity books like 'How to help your spouse heal' and 'Not just friends'. She needs to read so she can BEGIN to understand the damage she has caused to your M (marriage).

 

Let's be clear here, the fact that it was nine years ago makes no difference. You just found out! The betrayal is raw and fresh. No one, including your WW, should expect you to be A okay.

 

Nothing you did facilitated infidelity. NOTHING YOU DID MADE HER CHEAT. You were in the same M; you faced the same issues. Did you decide to bang your female mutual friend? I don't think so. So why does that entitle your WW to use that pitiful excuse as justification for destroying your M?

 

Like mentioned above, your M is DESTROYED and it's HER fault. Not yours, hers. Your mutual friend is NOT a friend. Please correct that thinking immediately because these people were probably having a good laugh at your expense.

 

Your WW is not entitled nor deserves a second chance. That's all on you. You call the shots on whether your M is salvageable. No one should blame you if you do not want to stay married to someone who hurt you this deeply.

 

Please consider IC (Individual Counseling). It's vital that you find an outlet to process your pain. You can not trust your WW to help you heal. From what you wrote, she has not demonstrated anything to indicate she cares.

 

You are right, she is not remorseful. She is a typical cake eating cheater.

 

She wants to rugsweep her A (Affair). Do not give her a chance. She screwed up. She should be well aware that she should be grovelling at your feet, begging for forgiveness. If she isn't willing to make it up to you, what's the point of you staying in this?

 

Implement 180 immediately. It will help you distance yourself from the source of your pain and give you some breathing ground to have a clearer head.

 

If that scumbag 'mutual friend' is married to the same woman at the time of the betrayal, inform the woman. Do not tell your WW. This is to prevent the A from EVER happening between them again. You might also save a woman from more wasted years of choices been taken from her.

 

Speaking of choices. Your WW took away nine years of your choices. Sounds farfetched, right? How about I put it this way: If you knew she cheated on you back then, would you have made the same decisions concerning your M? Unlikely, and this is something your WW will never understand.

 

No matter how bleak it looks now, do not give up on yourself. Take care of YOU. With or without her, it DOES get better. You do not need this person in your life. They are plenty of women who could not fathom to think of doing what your WW did. I know from experience.

 

There is nothing special, unique or unattainable about your WW. She is nothing but typical, broken cheater. And she would rather go down in flames than to fix herself.

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Sure, I stabbed you in the back, but perk up! Walk it off.

 

Ask her how she'd feel if you start having sex with another woman. I'm not saying you should do it, but it would be interesting to hear her response.

 

Under what circumstances did she confess? My guess is she was planning to take this to her grave.

 

If you have kids, order a paternity DNA test for them and do this with your wife's full knowledge.

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I dont know if she feels remorse because I feel she thinks it was ok since we weren't necessarily getting along.

 

Ya, no. This definitely is cheater speak for "no not sorry." It is also called blame shifting. You were the cause of her having an affair. Not her lack of morals.

 

You were in the same marriage and you didn't feel the entitlement to an affair. That would be immoral. No matter what you did, this was not a proper reaction to it. No excuses.

 

She has told me to perk up

 

Yes, just get over it. Lots of people have affairs. Its normal. NOT.

 

You will hear this same line of BS from a lot of marriage counselors too. Not all but a lot. Be aware in case MC is in your future.

 

and says that was her only affair.

 

And you believe this why? Bc you heard it from a lying cheating, wh*re? I'd assume otherwise unless and until you get her to agree to a polygraph. Just ask for one, her reaction should tell you volums if the has had other affairs.

 

I'm thinking of confronting the guy about the relationship.

 

I agree with the above, that is, tell his wife or GF first. Don't tell your wife you are going to do that.

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She has told me to perk up and says that was her only affair.

 

By joking about it she obviously thinks that it isn’t a big deal. If the subject of divorce doesn’t come up that means that you agree with her. Why shouldn’t she have another affair if you both agree.

 

It doesn’t matter how big of a fit you might have had. If she doesn’t face at least the possibility of concrete consequences you’re sending the message that it’s not so bad.

 

Many WW feel they are working with a safety net. Oh sure their husband will yell and scream if they’re caught. But all they have to do is say the right things and sex him up. Then with time it will all blow over.

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"Hey Cheating Wife, I'm leaving and you will hear from my lawyer. Perk up. It's not a big deal."

 

That sarcastic example is mirroring your wife's flippant attitude about her affair. She clearly has no remorse for her actions and that is very worrisome.

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First thing she has to do is read a book on how to help your spouse heal from an affair, so that she can appreciate the life changing event/trauma she has laid on you. Furthermore, consider an in-house or regular separation, as well as a 180, get tested and demand that she does also as a non-negotiable condition of you reconciling.

 

Her cavalier attitude will never allow her to be remorseful. Remorse requires and extremely compassionate, empathetic, and open spouse who's determined to understand the pain, confusion and agony the betrayed spouse is experiencing. She may not get there on her own. You may have to establish a scenario whereby a neutral party or book, conveys the devastation she has left behind, of which you are part of.

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So sorry. Yes her attitude is cavalier. I mean, I've heard enough men use that same thing as an excuse, but it's not right. If you are unhappy, get out of the marriage rather than betray your spouse -- especially with a friend! I'd be mad at the friend too. I don't think I'd say anything to him. I'd just disappear, poof, and let him put two and two together. He knows what he did. Then you have to decide what do to. I mean, I guess if she gets "unhappy" again, she'll just cheat with another one of your friends. So not a nice thing to do.

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Please tell her that you will let her know 9 years after you have your affair so she can perk up as it will have been your only affair. What do you think her reaction to that will be? As far as your friend, he is NOT your friend. Meet him face to face and tell him you never want to see or hear from him ever again. A true friend would never do what he did. I do wish you well.

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I just found out my wife of 15 years had an affair with a mutual friend 9 years ago. She said it lasted 2 months and told me she did it because we weren't happy. I dont know if she feels remorse because I feel she thinks it was ok since we weren't necessarily getting along. She has told me to perk up and says that was her only affair. I'm thinking of confronting the guy about the relationship. He's been a friend to me and I feel like a damn fool. We've been happy and good together but I feel alot of anger and sadness after this bombshell. I don't want to leave but I don't know if staying us the best option either

 

Hold it right there... SHE TOLD YOU to perk up, it was her only affair???

 

That right there is enough to file for divorce the next day.

 

You will get a lot of advice, and here is mine.

 

Divorce, she just expects you to eat a S*** sandwich because she says so.

 

She simply has no respect for you. That is despicable.

 

Look, man up and take charge.

 

How did you find out? How do you know there are not others?

 

What makes you think saving this marriage could possibly be worth it?

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If the roles were reversed, how do you think she would act if you told her to perk up and hey it was your only affair putting her health at risk for STD's? She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Cheaters lie so you can be sure it was more than two months. You have nothing to lose talking to this guy.

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somanymistakes

It does suck, and you're under no obligation to just laugh it off.

 

However, just for a little perspective, how would you feel about her telling you that she'd done other stupid things briefly nine years ago?

 

"Ten years ago I blew $10K gambling, didn't tell you, and had to work my ass off to build the money back up. Sorry!"

 

"Ten years ago I lied about the reason I lost my job. I didn't quit, they fired me because I was late all the time. Sorry!"

 

"You know that antique you loved that I said the cat broke ten years ago? Well..."

 

Basically, if she confessed to something else upsetting from a long time ago, but swore that she'd cleaned up her ways and it had never happened again, how would you deal with that? I suspect if you found out she'd gambled away a lot of money in the past, you'd probably want to examine the last many years of financial records to see if she really HAD reformed herself!

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I just found out my wife of 15 years had an affair with a mutual friend 9 years ago. She said it lasted 2 months and told me she did it because we weren't happy. I dont know if she feels remorse because I feel she thinks it was ok since we weren't necessarily getting along. She has told me to perk up and says that was her only affair. I'm thinking of confronting the guy about the relationship. He's been a friend to me and I feel like a damn fool. We've been happy and good together but I feel alot of anger and sadness after this bombshell. I don't want to leave but I don't know if staying us the best option either

 

If you don't mind my asking, how did you find out about the affair? You said that you've been happy and good together, but is that really the case or is that just how you've been feeling?

 

I see no problem with confronting your mutual friend, but I would do that with the understanding that it won't change your relationship with your wife; it'll just set the record straight with your friend. Understand that confronting your friend might make your relationship with your wife worse, as she will get blow-back from your friend. But does that even matter at this point?

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I see no problem with confronting your mutual friend, but I would do that with the understanding that it won't change your relationship with your wife; it'll just set the record straight with your friend. Understand that confronting your friend might make your relationship with your wife worse, as she will get blow-back from your friend. But does that even matter at this point?

 

Why would that concern even be on the OP’s radar? Not only did this sleaze sleep with a friend’s wife, he hung around for a decade to survey the damage. And the wife allowed it.

 

I’d lose very little sleep over blow-back...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Why would that concern even be on the OP’s radar? Not only did this sleaze sleep with a friend’s wife, he hung around for a decade to survey the damage. And the wife allowed it.

 

I’d lose very little sleep over blow-back...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Who actually knows... if he has actually just been looking on and observing.

 

I mean, based on her cavalier attitude, my guess is she gets a little strange on the side when it is convenient.

 

I mean, really, what are the odds that she hasn't actually...

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"Blow Back" how about you blow him the f**k out of your life, he is no friend, never was. Inform his wife or girlfriend or his family whoever is important in his life, they need to know what kind of a snake he really is. What makes this extra hard to take is that your wife made the conscious choice to protect him over you for these past 9 years. Who knows what they may have said to each other or did when you were out of the room. She allowed a predator into your home and did nothing to protect you all these years. Talk to a lawyer, you don't know how this will end and you need to know your rights. Move her out of your bedroom so you can separate yourself from her while you consider your path. That's a very damaging, marriage ending secret that was intentionally kept from you by the two people you probably trusted the most.

 

There is no right or wrong choice, do what is best for you, not what your comfortable with because you will grow to hate yourself over the years if you rug sweep this. How did you find out, did she confess?

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Unless there is consequences, this will happen again? How can you reconcile, if that is what you want, if she does not suffer something? Now you only gave a brief account and have not come back, so it would be helpful if you gave us more details, like how you found out, how they got together, how many times, and so forth. It would be one thing if they were meeting once a week, or if it was a one night thing, and instantly regretted.

 

I tend to be on the giving a 2nd chance side, but as you frame it now, I would be more on the side of divorce in your case. Do you have kids? What is your real gut idea that this may happen again? You need to sort this out, and decide.

 

I wish you luck......

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I would definitely inform the other mans wife

 

Depends. What if his wife is a new relationship that started after the affair?

 

One stern talk with the friend or going dark instantly does make sense but.

 

But overall, all this should be aimed at the wife. Seen this before where the MM targets the OM. Feels so much better after speaking his mind to the OM, the WW basically just gets off free because the MM thinks he just got his respect back :)

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I just found out my wife of 15 years had an affair with a mutual friend 9 years ago. She said it lasted 2 months and told me she did it because we weren't happy. I dont know if she feels remorse because I feel she thinks it was ok since we weren't necessarily getting along. She has told me to perk up and says that was her only affair. I'm thinking of confronting the guy about the relationship. He's been a friend to me and I feel like a damn fool. We've been happy and good together but I feel alot of anger and sadness after this bombshell. I don't want to leave but I don't know if staying us the best option either

 

How did you find out?

 

Why do you believe her about the 2 months and only affair?

 

What is the takeaway here? You better keep her happy or she'll have sex with your friends?

 

Perk up!

 

What do you expect to happen when you confront your friend?

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Why would that concern even be on the OP’s radar? Not only did this sleaze sleep with a friend’s wife, he hung around for a decade to survey the damage. And the wife allowed it.

 

I’d lose very little sleep over blow-back...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not suggesting that he avoid confrontation, only that he understand the potential consequences in advance. Maybe he confronts the guy and he's apologetic, agrees to stay out of their lives, and that's that. But the dynamics of affairs and relationships are unpredictable. It's entirely possible that the OP's wife felt - and still feels - justified in her affair. It's entirely possible that the OP's wife doesn't take the confrontation well. Before confronting the OP's affair partner, he needs to understand that his wife's affair partner and his wife might react in ways he's not expecting.

 

Whether he cares or not, how he chooses to respond, that's his business and nobody else's on this board.

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It's entirely possible that the OP's wife felt - and still feels - justified in her affair. It's entirely possible that the OP's wife doesn't take the confrontation well. Before confronting the OP's affair partner, he needs to understand that his wife's affair partner and his wife might react in ways he's not expecting.

 

Again Fugu, I'm confused by your points of emphasis.

 

He needs to do that which yields the information and feedback he requires to make informed decisions about his life. If his wife reacts to the "confrontation" with anything other than contrition, deep remorse and commitment to repair going forward, the OP has learned everything he needs to know about his marriage. If he's going to make an omelette, got to break a couple of eggs.

 

He didn't ask to be here. If his wife dislikes confrontation, I can suggest a couple of things she do differently in the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

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We were arguing recently when she said something about it. I really dont know why it came out . Thats when she told me that she had the affair while I was at work. She was very reluctant to answer any quetions let alone even talk about it. She only answered any questions because a friend of ours that now knows of the affair told her she needed to answer some of my questions. She swears there was never another affair but I really dont know if I believe her. She was remorseful for a couple days but now she is short with me and I feel like she thinks since it happened then it doesn't matter now. And I do believe she wasn't ever going to tell me. I told her that I would probably have more bad days. I told her thats something she will have to live with right now and again she said that I needed to try and not let the affair consume me.

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