Stay Away?

[newfocus]

So I am new to this forum and needed some advice on my current situation. So my story goes like this...I met a girl in Vegas and we clicked and connected like never before (I know, never bring Vegas home, I broke the cardinal rule). But I digress. Anyway, we talked and talked, we met up, had sex and thats as they say is that and the affair started. The back story is she was married and so was I but she was further ahead getting a divorce from her H than I was from my wife. It was one of those perfect storms where everyone was vulnerable and ready.

 

My wife would eventually find out 3 months into our affair and I said I would end it which I said I did...but never did. Fast forward a year and a half and my AP had divorced her H over a year ago but I was on the fence what I wanted to do. I was starting to get to the point that the affair was more hassle than it was worth and was going to break it off, but my AP beat me to it. I am glad she did it b/c now I have no blood on my hands which is great. I got what I wanted and I am happy...I think. I cannot help but wonder if I should have made the leap and plunged into a divorce but there would have been so much to lose and I just could not bring myself to the leap of faith to do it. I believe I made the right call by not ending my marriage. I had so much more to lose than she did and scales were not even close to balanced.

 

But man this is tougher than I ever thought it would be b/c I miss my AP so much. I have had NC for over 2 months. I know I should not have any contact with her but I want to call her, text, email or something. I am not unhappy in my marriage but I really miss her and what we had so much. I cannot know if I did love her, which we said it every day, I thought I did but now I am not so sure. I want to believe we had so much love for each other. When I was in the affair it was fantastic but now that its over, I would not never recommend anyone doing it.

 

But should I contact this girl? Should I be glad she is gone even though I am torn b/c is she the one that got away? My marriage is a lot better now that she is gone but I seriously miss this girl so much.

Edited August 12, 2018 by newfocus

[BaileyB]

My AP had divorced her H over a year ago but I was on the fence what I wanted to do. I was starting to get to the point that the affair was more hassle than it was worth and was going to break it off, but my AP beat me to it. I am glad she did it b/c now I have no blood on my hands which is great.

 

I got what I wanted and I am happy...I think. When I was in the affair it was fantastic but now that its over, I would not never recommend anyone doing it.

 

Sure, you have no blood on your hands... Aside from the fact that you cheated, lied to your wife about ending the affair, and you have one foot out of your marriage because you continue to fantasize about your AP. You didn't mention children and I sincerely hope that you do not have children... because, that would be an entirely different kind of blood on your hands.

 

I'm playing the worlds smallest violin for you... I'm glad the affair was "fantastic" for you... I have to say, of the people who post on this site, this is one of the more selfish and entitled posts I've read in a while...

 

If you want to keep your marriage, forget this woman and recommit to your marriage. Although, if I was your wife I would want to know how you really feel... because it would help me not to feel too sad when I file for divorce!

Edited August 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[Artdeco]

We don’t know why your affair partner left you, it could be because she got bored with the affair, or with you as a person, or because you didn’t make the final decision to leave your M.

 

As far as your desire is concerned to reconnect with your AP, ask yourself what it is that you’re exactly missing about the affair, and about the woman you have lost. Is it something that you’re missing in your marriage? You say your marriage is better than ever, so I’m assuming that all you’re really missing is the thrill of the chase, the uncertainty, the excitement of a new relationship etc. i’m sure that you’re aware of the fact that if you’re with a new partner, these feelings of new relationship excitement will eventually fade as well. These feelings are unrelated to a particular person. These feelings are within yourself, and you will never be able to maintain that status unless you change partners every few years. Some people are wired that way and they’re better off staying single or in non-committed relationships.

[newfocus]

We don’t know why your affair partner left you, it could be because she got bored with the affair, or with you as a person, or because you didn’t make the final decision to leave your M.

 

i’m sure that you’re aware of the fact that if you’re with a new partner, these feelings of new relationship excitement will eventually fade as well.

 

 

I am pretty sure she left b/c I could not make the final decision but thats fine, she did not want to wait even though both of us said we would, but the true colors came out at the end among a host of other things. I didn't even "know' this girl the right way and when I started to I did not like what I was seeing. But I really felt the love and thats what I miss. I feel I made the right decision by staying in my M and I guess I just hate having the feelings I do. I hate the A! It sucks. Its amazing how far gone you get and you don't even know it. I am not asking for sympathy or anything and maybe it was the excitement I miss but I know it was more than that or want to hope it was or what else was it. Never was in this type of situation before so I want to believe it was real which is why I miss her.

[newfocus]

Sure, you have no blood on your hands... Aside from the fact that you cheated, lied to your wife about ending the affair, and you have one foot out of your marriage because you continue to fantasize about your AP. You didn't mention children and I sincerely hope that you do not have children... because, that would be an entirely different kind of blood on your hands.

 

I'm playing the worlds smallest violin for you... I'm glad the affair was "fantastic" for you... I have to say, of the people who post on this site, this is one of the more selfish and entitled posts I've read in a while...

 

 

Look, I don't judge you so please don't judge me. I hate the A! I hate it more than anything I am glad its over and I am recommitting to my M. But you just cannot dismiss feelings for someone just on a whim. It takes time and I know that but its hard.

 

And maybe "fantastic" was a bad word choice. Lets just say there was a big fog I was in and while I was there it felt great even though I knew it was not right. Believe me I know this and as I said, I am glad its over but I miss her so much and I know it will fade.

[d0nnivain]

You say you are recommitting to the marriage but you carry on about your AP. At some point getting a divorce will no longer be your choice. When your BW finds out you lied to her about cutting contact & you are still harboring feelings she may have had enough.

 

While it's not that easy to shut off the emotions you have to let your head control here. Stop. Just stop. When you find yourself thinking about this woman from Vegas you need to change your self talk in your head & remind yourself that you are recommitting to your marriage & thinking about your OW hurts your BW.

[FMW]

No, don't contact the OW. She's divorced and moving on with her life.

 

You say you are not unhappy in your marriage and things are better than ever. Then why the xxxx would you even consider contacting the OW?

 

You're being selfish and acting like a bored child. You miss the feelings and the thrill of the A. It's the price you pay for getting into an A, especially when you had no intention of ending your marriage. Get over it, commit to your marriage OR tell your wife and let her have the option of freeing herself from you. I have no doubt she would be disgusted by the thought of staying with you under these circumstances.

[BluesPower]

Look, I don't judge you so please don't judge me. I hate the A! I hate it more than anything I am glad its over and I am recommitting to my M. But you just cannot dismiss feelings for someone just on a whim. It takes time and I know that but its hard.

 

And maybe "fantastic" was a bad word choice. Lets just say there was a big fog I was in and while I was there it felt great even though I knew it was not right. Believe me I know this and as I said, I am glad its over but I miss her so much and I know it will fade.

 

Don't judge you, are you kidding. Do you understand that you have no self awareness at all?

 

Dude, you have had an affair, with a chick from Vegas, but did not have the balls to divorce your wife, and you don't want to be judged?

 

Do you understand how slimy this behavior is?

 

And look a lot of people here at LS come at this from both sides of the issue so don't talk about judgment.

 

You either want to be married to your wife or you do not. Make a decision.

 

If you do love your wife, then grow the F up already.

 

On the other hand, if you like sleeping around, then ask for an open marriage where you both can have your separate lovers if you want that.

 

Read the things that you are writing... can you not see how selfish you are being.

 

If you don't love your wife file for divorce or just be single, but don't sting her along.

 

Is any of this getting through to you?

[anika99]

You say your marriage is better since the affair ended which leads me to believe that the affair was putting a strain on your marriage. You say the OW ended things because she no longer wanted to wait. If you contact the OW it will lead to strain in the marriage again and the OW being in pain again. The only person who will be happy is you, while everyone else suffers. That would be incredibly selfish.

[newfocus]

Don't judge you, are you kidding. Do you understand that you have no self awareness at all?

 

Dude, you have had an affair, with a chick from Vegas, but did not have the balls to divorce your wife, and you don't want to be judged?

 

Do you understand how slimy this behavior is?

 

And look a lot of people here at LS come at this from both sides of the issue so don't talk about judgment.

 

You either want to be married to your wife or you do not. Make a decision.

 

If you do love your wife, then grow the F up already.

 

On the other hand, if you like sleeping around, then ask for an open marriage where you both can have your separate lovers if you want that.

 

Read the things that you are writing... can you not see how selfish you are being.

 

If you don't love your wife file for divorce or just be single, but don't sting her along.

 

Is any of this getting through to you?

 

 

Thanks for all of this man, I get it and appreciate all of it and I know I am staying and recommitting. I never wanted to have an A in the first place, it just happened. I know its cliche but I have no other answers. But I know contacting the OW is not a good idea and its not going to happen. I just miss her as we had such amazing times together. But thats an A for you, everything is great all the time. But I agree, time to move.

 

Thanks to everyone for the comments, I am sorry I came across selfish, not my intention but I do appreciate the LS forum and welcome the feedback. I guess I deserve it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No blood on your hands? :lmao: I assume your poor wife was horribly emotionally wounded. That sounds pretty bloody to me.

 

To answer your question....yes, stay away. I'd also advise your wife to divorce you.

[submart]

Hi there and welcome to LS.

 

In what ways are you recommitting to your wife?

By contacting the OW you are not recommitting to your wife. By thinking about the OW you are not recommitting to your wife.

 

So starting today what are you doing to recommit to your wife?

 

And what are your ages, length of marriage, and do you have children?

[Mr. Lucky]

But should I contact this girl?

 

I know I am staying and recommitting.

 

This isn't a choice, it's a binary decision. One option or the other.

 

Nowhere in your post do I get a hint you understand the pain you've caused your wife, who for some unknowable reason seems to be staying with you. And now you'll squander that gift for another taste. Hard to imagine...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Nowhere in your post do I get a hint you understand the pain you've caused your wife, who for some unknowable reason seems to be staying with you.

 

Based on what has been written, it would seem that his wife knows about the affair but is unaware that it has continued past discovery... According to OP, he lied and told her the affair was over when in fact, it continued.

 

Now, the affair is over... But, I can imagine that his wife is not aware that it was not OP who ended the affair. Nor, is she likely aware that while OP says he has recommitted to the marriage, he continues to have feelings for AP and is considering contacting the other woman.

 

I think, if his wife had all the information, her decision may be a little more clear...

Edited August 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[TunaCat]

I never wanted to have an A in the first place, it just happened.

 

Are you kidding me? Affairs don't "just happen" You made a choice to cheat on your wife. You decided that seeing this woman was more important to you than staying faithful to your WIFE. Take some responsibility for that.

[pepperbird]

op.

when I read an opening post like the one in this thread, all I can think is that your wife would be far better off divorced than she will ever be with you.

 

 

I say this, not as a big at you, but because your opening post in completely devoid of any sort of remorse for what you have done to your wife. It's all focused on yourself and your ow ex-ow, and that's pretty telling. Do you feel you have it in you to push your own feelings aside for a moment and think of what your betrayed wife is going through right now? She knows what you did, but where is your concern for her? Are you able to be there 100 percent for her, or are you too worried about your ex-ow?

 

 

 

Try looking at your situation as if you were an outsider looking in. What advice would you have to share?

[pepperbird]

op,

if you need further reason to stay away from your ow,think on this.

 

 

Your wife is probably hurting more now than she ever has in her entire life. The one man whom she thought she could trust, the one person who should have always been there for her ad the one person in the entire world who she should have been able to count on to never hurt her intentionally, has through a series of choices he consciously made, has chosen to wound her as deeply as possible...and his ex-ow helped him to do it.

 

 

Think of the pain your wife is in, and think of how your ex-ow helped to put her there. She, fully knowing you are married, chose to ignore the pain an affair with you might cause another human being who has done absolutely nothing to her, and she forged ahead. She didn't care if her actions may have helped to break someone elses heart...she did it anyway.

 

 

 

Between the two of you, you were able to cause immense emotional and likley even physical pain to your wife. What sort of a person knowingly does that?

[Mr. Lucky]

Between the two of you, you were able to cause immense emotional and likley even physical pain to your wife.

 

While I'm not going to say he doesn't care, based on the two threads he's started his BS's well-being - emotional or otherwise - doesn't seem to be a high priority...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BTDT2012]

If you are still pining after the AP, you have not recommitted to the marriage. You must be a very good actor to be able to convince your wife that you ended the affair when you actually continued to cheat.

[newfocus]

Look, I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice, even though some are not great I would expect this kind of response. I certainly deserve it and not making excuses. I have recommitted but the feelings you have for someone just do not go away just b/c you want them too. My AP and I had something great, at least I thought we did until the end and then I found out a bunch of stuff, and it probably just ran it’s course on both sides so it’s over. I am glad it’s over as I wanted it to end anyway. My AP was not the person I thought she was and that is really disappointing when I consider the amount of energy expended. I realize it was all a bunch of BS in the end. I am just glad I did not do anything stupid like leave my wife for the wrong reasons. I know it was wrong and I have to live with that.

 

And so you are aware, my wife had an emotional affair during my affair which I did find out about so don’t think she is not innocent in all of this. Granted it was probably triggered when she found about about my AP and me but still, 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

 

It’s a slow process for sure but it’s hard to just drop strong feelings you had for someone just b/c you want them to go away.

Edited August 17, 2018 by newfocus

[BaileyB]

And so you are aware, my wife had an emotional affair during my affair which I did find out about so don’t think she is not innocent in all of this. Granted it was probably triggered when she found about about my AP and me but still, 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

 

This made me laugh out loud this morning... "Granted, it was probably triggered by my affair... But, she is not innocent in all of this." That's rich.

 

Especially after you go on and on about your affair partner and how she let you down...

 

Good luck to you. I don't think your marriage has a hope of lasting long term, but I do wish you well.

Edited August 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I would prefer to talk to people that can provide even an ounce of a thoughtful response. Thanks and good luck with your life, but know mine will be just fine.

 

Translation - I'm in need of validation so I only want replies that agree with my poor choices.

 

newfocus, you cheated on your wife. And then, having been busted and despite promising her you'd stop the affair, you kept cheating.

 

Tough love goes with the territory. If you had the same realistic view of your actions that Bailey does, you wouldn't be pining for your AP...

 

Mr. Lucky

[newfocus]

Translation - I'm in need of validation so I only want replies that agree with my poor choices.

 

Actually that’s not what I am looking for at all. Anyone can tell me what I did was wrong and offer up advice, in fact I welcome it, it’s whg I came on here. But criticism in a negative form does not help anyone. And when someone assumes about what’s going to happen, I should take that person to Vegas and the tables b/c we would be rich people.

 

Anyway, thanks to all the GOOD advice and comments from people like you Mr. Lucky, much appreciated.

[BluesPower]

Listen, what lucky and Bailey said... are actually correct but you are not far enough along in the process to understand it yet.

 

You, like other way wards, HATE the truth. You don't want to see it, you can argue all you want, those of us that have been her long enough have seen it 1000 times.

 

So, the POINT is that, with that aspect of your "Mindset" in tact, you will miss opportunities to help or save your marriage.

 

Get it? The self righteous whining does not hurt us, but what you don't understand is that it hurts you, it hurts your wife, and it hurts your marriage in the long run.

 

Another example, how silly is it for you to post on an infidelity web site of which you were the offender, and then tell us your life is fine?

 

Do you see where some of us are ACTUALLY coming from???

Edited August 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote of deleted post

[newfocus]

Listen, what lucky and Bailey said... are actually correct but you are not far enough along in the process to understand it yet.

 

You, like other way wards, HATE the truth. You don't want to see it, you can argue all you want, those of us that have been her long enough have seen it 1000 times.

 

So, the POINT is that, with that aspect of your "Mindset" in tact, you will miss opportunities to help or save your marriage.

 

Get it? The self righteous whining does not hurt us, but what you don't understand is that it hurts you, it hurts your wife, and it hurts your marriage in the long run.

 

Another example, how silly is it for you to post on an infidelity web site of which you were the offender, and then tell us your life is fine?

 

Do you see where some of us are ACTUALLY coming from???

 

Yes I see where you guys are coming from and as I said, I appreciate all the advice and candid comments...even Bailey.

 

I agree, I am probably not far enough along in the process to really see 2 feet in front of me but I am getting there. Its not something that happens overnight even though I would like it to, I hate feeling what I feel.

 

And I have saved my marriage b/c there were countless times where I could have easily went with my AP and left but something in my gut told me it was not a good idea. I was so far gone and in the fog I am surprised at myself sometimes that I did not jump. But as it turned out it was the best decision I have ever made in my life not to leave. There were so many times where my M could have ended but it didn't and I am glad for that and glad I am working my way back. I just want to get rid of these strong feelings for my AP so I can move on quicker. I want this person to be a distant memory. It was a cancer on my life which I take full responsibility for but I have to live with it.

 

And yes, my AP was a disappointment in the end based on things she said and I am more mad at myself for risking all that I have for someone that in the end turned out to be not the person I thought she was, I guess I gave her more credit than she deserved. What I realized was I had so much to lose and she had nothing to lose but time. All the time and energy wasted and for what? Sex and countless hours of mindless babble. Not worth it and I will tell anyone having an A that its not worth it. If you want that fine, just get a divorce and you can have sex with whatever you want, whenever you want.

 

But unfortunately the feelings still linger but every day that goes by with NC the better. I know I will not be breaking NC (even though I said I was considering it) and I just hope she does not contact me.

Edited August 21, 2018 by newfocus