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ConFusedMoiselle

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ConFusedMoiselle

Hi,

 

So my Husband has supposedly been seeing another girl. They have known each other for the last 10 years but I was told anonymously that they have been seeing each other for the past 1.5 years.

 

He decided to stop seeing her and focus on our marriage which he has. However, he has not blocked her on whatsapp. They were never friends on Facebook. In fact, he changes his whatsapp profile picture every once in two days which he never used to do. But never changes his Facebook pictures. And his statuses for whatsapp changes every other day. Recently he put up ‘let it burn, let it burn...’

 

He sounds upset via his statuses but why though. If he is working it out with me then why does he sound upset over whatsapp. When he’s home he seems fine with all of us. Are those shoutouts for the OW? Am I missing something? Are there red flags I’m unaware of. It got me thinking because I had friends asking me if my Husband is ok. The only thing that has happened to him is the OW leaving. Everything else is fine. Home life. Work life.

 

Need perspectives! Thanks.

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You say that he is "supposedly" seeing another girl... And that you heard about it "anonymously." Have you talked about it with him? Has he confessed, apologized, and shown remorse for his actions? Are you going to marriage counselling?

 

Not to be a negative Nelly, but if he hasn't blocked her from the app they were using to communicate, it's probably fair to say that they are still and/or he has purposefully left the door open to stay in contact.

 

As for why he is upset - if he has ended things with the other woman, it certainly sounds like he is upset and unhappy about it. His child's tantrum over the fact that he had to end it with his OW to dedicate himself to the marriage wouldn't go over well with me...

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somanymistakes

Smoke signals. He knows she's looking at his whatsapp, he uses it to show her what he's secretly feeling/thinking when they can't talk. This is VERY common.

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Need perspectives! Thanks.

 

I'm fresh out of tea leaves. Why are you asking us rather than him? And what steps are you taking, such as MC, to recover your marriage in the wake of his infidelity?

 

You'll have to be willing to deal with this directly even if it's difficult. Ignoring the problem (rug sweeping) will just enable him to act out more...

 

Mr. Lucky

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if he really wants to cheat again they get sneaker. try to trust him and not keep going on about it as you will push him into her arms again or another woman

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My guess is that the whatsapp activity is at the very least directed at her.

It is also possible they are still in active contact. That is harder to know, but the pics and status updates sure sound like he's signalling her, which means contact.

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Here is what your hub's WhatsApp status is referring to.

They are lyrics referencing Usher's song "Burn".

Sounds like he doesn't want to let her go and wants her to know that.

 

Girl, understand why

See it's burning me to hold onto this

I know this is something that I gotta do

But that don't mean I want to

What I'm trying to say is that, I love you I just

I feel like this is coming to an end

And it's better for me to let it go now, than hold on and hurt you

I've gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this

But it's coming from my heart

It's been a long time coming

But we done been fell apart

Really wanna work this out

But I don't think ya gonna change ya

I do but you don't

Think it's best we go our separate ways

Tell me why I should stay in this relationship

When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby

Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with

I think that you should let it burn

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go

'Cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it was through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to

Got somebody here but I want you

'Cause the feeling ain't the same

Find myself callin' her your name

Ladies tell me do you understand?

Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?

It's the way I feel

I know I made a mistake

Now it's too late

I know she ain't coming back

What I gotta do now

To get my shorty back

Oh oh oh oh

Man I don't know what I'm gonna do

Without my boo

You've been gone for too long

It's been fifty-eleven days, um-teen hours

I'mma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go

'Cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it was through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry (oh)

I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh (can you feel me burnin'?)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

So many days, so many hours

I'm still burnin' till you return

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go

'Cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it was through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

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ConFusedMoiselle
Doesn't sound good to me.

 

Talk to him. He's the only one with the answer. Hopefully he'll be honest with you.

 

Hi there,

 

I did speak to him. He denies everything. But close friends have seen him together with the OW. It is tough as he isn’t opening up. He behaves normally at home but his whatsapp updates speaks otherwise. It’s confusing.

 

I wasn’t even spying on him. The updates were brought to my attention by friends who found his whatsapp behaviour strange. Sighh...

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ConFusedMoiselle
I'm fresh out of tea leaves. Why are you asking us rather than him? And what steps are you taking, such as MC, to recover your marriage in the wake of his infidelity?

 

You'll have to be willing to deal with this directly even if it's difficult. Ignoring the problem (rug sweeping) will just enable him to act out more...

 

Mr. Lucky

I have spoken to him but he denies everything. Even though close friends have told me that they have seen him with the OW close, I do not have any other evidence except for his word of mouth.

 

I didn ask him anything. We moved on normally. Everything’s normal at home. But his whatsapp behaviour was brought to my attention by friends who found it strange. He claims we are overthinking and I am completely lost as to what to do. He is unwilling to open up though I’m giving him the opportunity to voice out his baggages. Sighh...

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You really have little options.

 

If the accusations are true he's just lying to you and still seeing her.

 

You have no way to trust him... therefore there's no foundation or starting point to this marriage.

 

How many kids? How long have you been married?

 

Has the lack of communication always been this bad?

 

 

Do you have any way/plan to leave him? Without swift and severe consequences he's really not likely to ever end it. It's usually the only way to see if he might change (by a severe wake up call)... by understanding fully what his actions has created.

 

 

The action is yours to take. Take a strong stand that shows fully well you do not intend to be married to him while he's not honest and still seeing another woman.

 

Can you make those changes for yourself? Do you work?

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ConFusedMoiselle

We have had a wonderful relationship with good communication for the past 12 years. We work as a team. We have 2 children whom he is crazy about. He can’t live without his children. I do work. I didn notice any red flags. Maybe we had drifted apart. From his cry for attention it sounds like he is in love with her. But he claims to be in love with me too. Every night without fail. I am not sure but in this case action does speak louder than words.

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We have had a wonderful relationship with good communication for the past 12 years. We work as a team. We have 2 children whom he is crazy about. He can’t live without his children. I do work. I didn notice any red flags. Maybe we had drifted apart. From his cry for attention it sounds like he is in love with her. But he claims to be in love with me too. Every night without fail. I am not sure but in this case action does speak louder than words.

 

Indeed. And his actions indicate that he continues in his affair with this other woman, while attempting to manipulate you into thinking that YOU are the one who is over thinking and over reacting.

 

In the words of Dr Phil - how do you know if he’s lying? If his lips are moving...

 

You have to make your own decisions, but for me... it wouldn’t really matter if things are normal at home... He is in a relationship with another woman. That is the bottom line - your husband, your life partner, the father of your children - is in a relationship with another woman. Can you accept that and what are you going to do about it?

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So it seems you are happy with the way things are between the two of you, he tells you and shows you he loves you to your satisfaction.

 

The decision then is are you willing to continue sharing him with another woman? Because regardless of whether he sees or directly communicates with her it appears she is definitely in his head and heart.

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Hi,

 

So my Husband has supposedly been seeing another girl. They have known each other for the last 10 years but I was told anonymously that they have been seeing each other for the past 1.5 years.

 

He decided to stop seeing her and focus on our marriage which he has. However, he has not blocked her on whatsapp. They were never friends on Facebook. In fact, he changes his whatsapp profile picture every once in two days which he never used to do. But never changes his Facebook pictures. And his statuses for whatsapp changes every other day. Recently he put up ‘let it burn, let it burn...’

 

He sounds upset via his statuses but why though. If he is working it out with me then why does he sound upset over whatsapp. When he’s home he seems fine with all of us. Are those shoutouts for the OW? Am I missing something? Are there red flags I’m unaware of. It got me thinking because I had friends asking me if my Husband is ok. The only thing that has happened to him is the OW leaving. Everything else is fine. Home life. Work life.

 

Need perspectives! Thanks.

 

Honestly, you have to wake up...

 

Just to start off, when you are caught having an affair, you don't get to have whatsup or any other type of Social media/texting app.

 

Do you not understand that? Do you have complete access to every single electronic means of communication? Meaning, all passwords, all accounts, everything?

 

Your husband is lying to you. He just took it underground.

 

If you don't have children, you need to divorce him. If you have kids and you want to save the marriage, you can try but you have to get tough.

 

Either way that you want to go, you need to file IMHO. IF it wakes him up then you can stop the process, if he does not straighten out, then you can follow through.

 

But most of all, you need to wake up to what is happening...

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He may not be actively talking to her. He just may not be ready to block herfor some reason.

 

Either way, it probably doesn't matter if you are the wife.

 

Her husband's affections are with another woman. I'm sure that doesn't feel good at all.

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ConFusedMoiselle
Here is what your hub's WhatsApp status is referring to.

They are lyrics referencing Usher's song "Burn".

Sounds like he doesn't want to let her go and wants her to know that.

 

Girl, understand why

See it's burning me to hold onto this

I know this is something that I gotta do

But that don't mean I want to

What I'm trying to say is that, I love you I just

I feel like this is coming to an end

And it's better for me to let it go now, than hold on and hurt you

I've gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this

But it's coming from my heart

It's been a long time coming

But we done been fell apart

Really wanna work this out

But I don't think ya gonna change ya

I do but you don't

Think it's best we go our separate ways

Tell me why I should stay in this relationship

When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby

Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with

I think that you should let it burn

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go

'Cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it was through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to

Got somebody here but I want you

'Cause the feeling ain't the same

Find myself callin' her your name

Ladies tell me do you understand?

Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?

It's the way I feel

I know I made a mistake

Now it's too late

I know she ain't coming back

What I gotta do now

To get my shorty back

Oh oh oh oh

Man I don't know what I'm gonna do

Without my boo

You've been gone for too long

It's been fifty-eleven days, um-teen hours

I'mma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go

'Cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it was through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry (oh)

I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh (can you feel me burnin'?)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

So many days, so many hours

I'm still burnin' till you return

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go

'Cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it was through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

Was just wondering if he was trying to say let the rship be destroyed. As in putting the message put to her that he wants to burn it and not have anything to do with her? I Guess I’m wrong?

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Was just wondering if he was trying to say let the rship be destroyed. As in putting the message put to her that he wants to burn it and not have anything to do with her? I Guess I’m wrong?

 

Perhaps you should ask your husband... Only he can tell you.

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He may not be actively talking to her. He just may not be ready to block herfor some reason.

 

There's no good reason for her not to be blocked. If he's 100% committed to fixing his marriage, the OW needs to be blocked on EVERY mode of communication possible. The fact that he hasn't blocked her speaks VOLUMES to me.

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There's no good reason for her not to be blocked. If he's 100% committed to fixing his marriage, the OW needs to be blocked on EVERY mode of communication possible. The fact that he hasn't blocked her speaks VOLUMES to me.

 

Perhaps he just likes to look at the other woman and know that she's doing OK. Maybe he knows he can't have her and won't reach out to her again but still likes to look because he's nosy.

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Either way, it probably doesn't matter if you are the wife.

 

Her husband's affections are with another woman. I'm sure that doesn't feel good at all.

 

How is it affections if you just like to look at someone on FB? Affection is attention. The OW can't be aware he's staring at her pictures unless he gives himself away by hitting the like button.

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Just my view here - It doesn't matter if the OW doesn't know, it's about him and where his focus is. If he's putting ANY time into thinking about the OW that is a betrayal of his wife.

 

The best way to get that is think about your spouse having those thoughts and preoccupations about someone else. How would you feel? I would feel betrayed.

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Perhaps he just likes to look at the other woman and know that she's doing OK. Maybe he knows he can't have her and won't reach out to her again but still likes to look because he's nosy.

 

No, that's what you like to do... When most people go no contact, they end all contact with the other person - which includes peeping in her social media pages.

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How is it affections if you just like to look at someone on FB? Affection is attention. The OW can't be aware he's staring at her pictures unless he gives himself away by hitting the like button.

 

If my husband is stalking his other woman on social media (a woman who I know he has loved/still loves and with whom he has promised me that he would no longer see or contact)...

 

If he is following what she is doing and enjoying her pictures when he should be spending time with me and my family... Well, I wouldn't be very happy.

 

I wouldn't do that to my husband, and I would feel betrayed if he did that to me.

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