Lowpeaks14 Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 (edited) I have been with my man for 4 years and engaged for 1 year. We have spent SO much money to be married in less than 3 months. I just found out he cheated on me multiple times before we got engaged. He claims he decided to end that lifestyle when he asked for my hand in marriage. Now I feel like I don’t know him and I definitely don’t trust him, but I do love him. I don’t have enough time before our wedding to sort my feelings out. Should I call off the wedding? Edited August 9, 2018 by Lowpeaks14 Spell check Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 Cheating MULTIPLE times in the three years that you were dating would definitely be reason enough for me to call of the wedding and end the relationship. I'm sorry. He is a serial cheater. He calls it a "lifestyle." Does he show any remorse for the fact that he cheated while in a relationship with you? I would never trust this man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I would never trust this man. To me, this is what it comes down to. The real question you're asking is "should I trust him?" and your post indicates you've already arrived at an answer. Hate to see you here a year from now asking "should I divorce him?"... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 One question: did you learn about the cheating from third parties or did he confess? If he did confess was there any chance that you might lean about it from third parties? I believe that marriage should wipe the slate clean of any sins prior to the marriage that the other person knows about. Discuss this with your fiance and make him understand that it is going to be a monogamous marriage. Also, tell him that honesty is more important than strict monogamy. If he does anything out of line, and it does't have to be intercourse, that he should tell you about it within a day or two and be prepared for the consequences. You should both make it clear where the line is drawn. I have been married for 50 years and believe me you must learn to roll with the punches. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 It sounds like you should have more time to decide, to test him, to see if he really means what he is saying. Unfortunately, that time will cost you a lot financially. Its up to you to decide if the cost is worth it. Maybe settle for a smaller simpler wedding a year from now, with a guy you are 100% sure of, rather than a lavish all out wedding with a guy you might end up divorced from in a year or two. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 How did you come to find out about this? I would not be so quick to assume he gave up all the other women when he proposed. You now know he's not an honest man, so I would not take him at his word about that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 At the very least see if you can postpone the wedding. Even if you lose the money getting out now is still cheaper then getting a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 I have been with my man for 4 years and engaged for 1 year. We have spent SO much money to be married in less than 3 months. I just found out he cheated on me multiple times before we got engaged. He claims he decided to end that lifestyle when he asked for my hand in marriage. Now I feel like I don’t know him and I definitely don’t trust him, but I do love him. I don’t have enough time before our wedding to sort my feelings out. Should I call off the wedding? 1. How did you find out? Did he confess without you asking questions? 2. Multiple times. How many different women? 3. When did you find out? Today? YES -- postpone at the very least. He needs to answer a LOT of questions for you. You need a lot of information before you can make this decision. An internet forum can't decide this for you. And, you do not "know" him - at least not like you thought you did. The person you thought you knew would not have cheated on you. So, what will he be doing that you don't know about AFTER you are married. Be assured that any time he is away from you, you will be wondering: who is he talking to, who is he with, where is he, what is he really doing. As it has been said, regardless of what you've spent already, it is much cheaper than a divorce will be later. And the healing of heartbreak at this stage should be much easier than after you've poured all of yourself into a marriage that falls apart because of a cheating spouse. If you can give details, we may have different opinions. In the meantime, Welcome to Loveshack. I am so sorry that you ended up here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2018 Share Posted August 9, 2018 And, you do not "know" him - at least not like you thought you did. The person you thought you knew would not have cheated on you. To play off what you're saying, the scary thought is that she DOES now know him, he's given her a pretty clear look into his thought process. Lowpeaks14, I've been amazed at some of my friends ability to compartmentalize. They can have a wife and a GF and lose very little sleep over any moral conflict between the two, to them it's just the "lifestyle". Your fiance may see things the same way... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 YES! Please save yourself now and call off the wedding! When you discover his next affair while you are married it will hurt you so bad, ESPECIALLY knowing that you should have known better! This is not a red flag, it is a big red billboard! I am so sorry this happened to you, but you are lucky to find out now! I know this hurts, but dig deep, be a STRONG WOMAN and do whats right for yourself and leave them! Has he gone to months of IC to uncover and address the causes? Has he become TOTALLY and VOLUNTARILY transparent and reassuring? He needs to do those things before you EVEN CONSIDER marrying him. Just walk away with your head held high. The money already spent or lost doesn't matter - let it bbe the final cost of this lesson you have the opportunity to learn! Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 Postpone the wedding! Until you are standing at the altar saying "I do" you have time to change your mind. I did, less than a week before the wedding. I got some of my deposits back, and considered the money I lost well worth it for not making a HUGE mistake. Many places will just apply deposits to a later date, if you choose to reschedule. Trust me, it happens more often than you think. Call and ask what can be done about the deposits. You aren't the first to postpone or cancel. Have your maid of honor, or someone you trust call and tell the guests the wedding has been postponed for "unforseen circumstances beyond your control" and nothing more. They don't need to know more than that. Most will understand. Return any gifts that might have arrived, with a "thank you, but we cannot accept your gift at this time" card enclosed. If the cake is paid for, pick it up, and invite friends over to celebrate a potential mistake not made. Why let it go to waste. Or, ask the baker if it can be sold to another couple at a discount. Sorry that this is happening, but better to find out now, before having to go through the mess of a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 Lowpeaks14, postpone or cancel the wedding. You now have information that will probably affect your future happiness, you don't know this new guy, the old guy you were engaged to left. If your still inclined to marry him after watching his actions(including getting himself into independent counselling to find out what's broken in him)you need to talk to a lawyer about a prenuptial agreement that gives you the majority of the assets if you divorce because of a future infidelity. Do not marry a broken person because if they do nothing to fix themselves and they cheated before you married them they will cheat on you after you marry them, their still broken. Don't complicate your life more then it already is. Divorcing when you have children and mortgages gets very messy and many people don't make the best decisions for themselves, the children influence their decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 Did you actually sit down and decide to be exclusive, or was this expected on your part? Were you engaged? Point is, in his mind was it cheating? Now, I know you feel hurt, I get it, but the question is, were you on the same page, or in an open relationship? Did he stop, once that was the goal for you both? IF you cannot give a good answer to above, I think you thought you were someplace in the relationship, you really were not. You can use this information to decide if he will be faithful going forward or not with the marriage. On the other hand, you did have the "exclusive" talk, and he cheated, then you really have to decide if you can trust him, love or not. Myself, I would find this hard to do, but not impossible. You of course know him better. The first part of your decision, is to try and understand what happened and why, that will make for a better decision on your marriage or break up. I wish you luck........ Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 It takes 2-5 years for the average person to recover from infidelity and getting trust back may never happen, don't put yourself in an even more difficult situation by working to his scheduled. This is about you and your happiness. You now know he is a liar, untrustworthy and has very little regard for boundaries. He has proven to you several times that if an opportunity arises and your not their to protect your interests he will act on it if he thinks he can get away with it. Take your time, think real hard about your future. Don't compromise yourself and the ethics that took you a lifetime to create. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 What in the world made him decide to get engaged? He clearly needs to be single. Probably all of his friends are now marrying. This is always a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 With no sign of the OP in close to a month, we'll call this one closed. Link to post Share on other sites
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