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13 years later and he still contacts HER!


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New to this forum. Just looking for a little insight. Will make it as short and to the point as possible. When H and I met 13 or so years ago he had a female best friend. Not just a talk every now and then but several times a day EVERYDAY. Admittedly when we got together he quit as he admitted to having feelings for her and being in love with her deeply. We had been dating a few months when I became pregnant and married before I gave birth.he had during our engagement reconnected with her. I, once again demanded he stop contacting her. He did. A few years after we marry guess who’s number I see on the phone bill. Multiple times a day...ding ding ding! He again goes no contact with her. Again, a few years laters he’s back at it!! Same old thing. He changes his number etc. So now, 5 years of being NC with her, I see where he has been calling her MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY! I’m at a loss!! Why can’t he stay away from this woman!! He’s never given any indication that it’s been a PA, always home straight from work...no unexplained absences etc so I’m confident it is purely EA but I can’t understand why it’s always her?! Do you think he still has feelings for her? He denies any. Just says they were always really close etc but I can’t help but feel he never got over her!!! Please advise. Thank you!

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I, once again demanded he stop contacting her. He did. A few years after we marry guess who’s number I see on the phone bill. Multiple times a day...ding ding ding! He again goes no contact with her. Again, a few years laters he’s back at it!! Same old thing. He changes his number etc. So now, 5 years of being NC with her, I see where he has been calling her MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY!

 

I'd guess he's been in touch with her the entire time, the "NC" periods were just times you didn't catch him. In this day and age of disappearing messages and burner phones, not that hard to hide communication from a spouse.

 

Since he's obviously proven he won't stop contacting her, ball's in your court. At the very least, you two have different ideas as to acceptable boundaries in a marriage.

 

Also, get ready for people to tell you it's been a PA all this time. No insight from me, though I certainly hope not. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Looks like he's never suffered any consequences for disrespecting you and the marriage. Do you plan to do anything to change that?

 

What consequences can you lay out? Seems he's not been considering your feelings at all.

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Thanks for your responses. I have zero proof one way or the other as to if it has been physical. I have kicked him out but that also happened the other times as well. And you are absolutely correct. Totally different boundaries.

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Insecure woman, your husband has nothing to apologize for, marriage relationship is just one relationship, it can't be everything. Even if he had feelings for her, a man can love two or more women at the same time, before the feminist doctrine many cultures and societies including our own realized this : the fact is that you won't feel less loved if your husband started a full relationship with this woman or even if she moved in..

 

Clearly he is not a player, or a womanizer and there is definitely a real connection with this woman. He doesn't realize the power he has as a man, all he needs to do is sit you down and look you in the eyes, and tell you how he is in love with both of you, how he would never want to leave without either one of you in his life and that you are both his soul-mates, this is what western men have lost, the ability to be honest and authentic with women...

 

He loves you, and he loves her too, she is not a biitch, but a woman who saw the same things in your husband that made you fall for him, they have a special connection like you have with him...it's rare but it is there....

 

He just needs to man up and tell you this, this is how men originally became polygamous, not the picture of exploited women the feminist like painting...

 

There are research paper that show that women are more attracted to a man who is already involved with another woman, who already treats another woman with love and respect...anyway thats another level ....

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Jamess1......

 

 

I have to strongly disagree.

 

If his "relationship" with that woman is hurting his W, in any way, then it needs to stop........should have stopped a long time ago.

 

He told his W that he had feelings for that woman. At that point, there was a clear and present danger to the M. Insecurity is not her problem. The problem is her H not honoring the boundaries that she has requested.

 

She has the right to feel hurt and threatened. And, he has the obligation to honor her wishes in this matter. You can bet, if it were the other way around, he would feel exactly the same.

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Sadly, you got pregnant and married a man who was in love with another woman...that was, and still is, the bottom line.

 

How is your relationship? Is he a good partner to you? Do you love each other, play together, have sex often, etc... If things are good in your marriage, it may be worth continuing to have this discussion with your husband... But realistically, it’s been 13 yers that you’ve been trying to get this woman or of your marriage - perhaps, it’s time to reevaluate things?

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Insecure woman, your husband has nothing to apologize for, marriage relationship is just one relationship, it can't be everything. Even if he had feelings for her, a man can love two or more women at the same time, before the feminist doctrine many cultures and societies including our own realized this : the fact is that you won't feel less loved if your husband started a full relationship with this woman or even if she moved in..

 

Clearly he is not a player, or a womanizer and there is definitely a real connection with this woman. He doesn't realize the power he has as a man, all he needs to do is sit you down and look you in the eyes, and tell you how he is in love with both of you, how he would never want to leave without either one of you in his life and that you are both his soul-mates, this is what western men have lost, the ability to be honest and authentic with women...

 

He loves you, and he loves her too, she is not a biitch, but a woman who saw the same things in your husband that made you fall for him, they have a special connection like you have with him...it's rare but it is there....

 

He just needs to man up and tell you this, this is how men originally became polygamous, not the picture of exploited women the feminist like painting...

 

There are research paper that show that women are more attracted to a man who is already involved with another woman, who already treats another woman with love and respect...anyway thats another level ....

 

treating a woman with love and respect includes loyalty...

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Insecure woman, your husband has nothing to apologize for, marriage relationship is just one relationship, it can't be everything. Even if he had feelings for her, a man can love two or more women at the same time, before the feminist doctrine many cultures and societies including our own realized this : the fact is that you won't feel less loved if your husband started a full relationship with this woman or even if she moved in..

 

Clearly he is not a player, or a womanizer and there is definitely a real connection with this woman. He doesn't realize the power he has as a man, all he needs to do is sit you down and look you in the eyes, and tell you how he is in love with both of you, how he would never want to leave without either one of you in his life and that you are both his soul-mates, this is what western men have lost, the ability to be honest and authentic with women...

 

He loves you, and he loves her too, she is not a biitch, but a woman who saw the same things in your husband that made you fall for him, they have a special connection like you have with him...it's rare but it is there....

 

He just needs to man up and tell you this, this is how men originally became polygamous, not the picture of exploited women the feminist like painting...

 

There are research paper that show that women are more attracted to a man who is already involved with another woman, who already treats another woman with love and respect...anyway thats another level ....

 

If her husband came home and said, "hey, I talked to **** today, she's doing good, yada yada... then she wouldn't be out of the loop and have the insecurities. The doing it and keeping it under wraps is bringing on the insecurities, add to it, he admitted he once was in love with this woman.

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Ruby Slippers

He clearly has an emotional attachment to her, and it's possible he's met up with her or tried to.

 

Over the past year, I talked to a number of unhappily married men online, one in particular. I learned a lot, saw clear patterns.

 

The one man I talked with at length, along with a few that I only talked to a few times, asked me to meet in person, basically wanted to take me out in a romantic way.

 

Most of the men I talked with had gaping holes in their marriages, but at least from their descriptions, the wife didn't seem to care as long as he kept the money coming in and she could continue her life of leisure.

 

If anything is missing in your marriage, it's likely your husband will seek it elsewhere. I think the only thing you can do is make your marriage as strong as possible.

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Over the past year, I talked to a number of unhappily married men online, one in particular. I learned a lot, saw clear patterns.

 

The one man I talked with at length, along with a few that I only talked to a few times, asked me to meet in person, basically wanted to take me out in a romantic way.

 

Most of the men I talked with had gaping holes in their marriages, but at least from their descriptions, the wife didn't seem to care as long as he kept the money coming in and she could continue her life of leisure.

 

Keep in mind, this is his side of the story... I wonder if their wives would tell a different story.

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James...

 

If he intended to Love many women and spend time with other women outside his marriage then he shouldn't have taken VOWS that stated the contrary!

 

He's lied to her and he's deceptive at best. You can't build a healthy marriage on that (lack of) foundation!

 

Stop feeding this crap about loving many - he's deceitful and it's not right while he's pretending to be faithful to his wife who knows down deep she's being taken for a fool by her own husband!

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Thank you all for your replies. And like others have stated...loving many was not apart of our vows. I did not agree to that. I am not ok with that. I’ve read a lot of other threads over the last several days before posting my story. Can he actually still LOVE her. What about affair fog I see? Can this just be a fantasy of his that he doesn’t see it for what it is. Sex life has always been great. Relationship as far as I knew was great. We take time to ourselves, we connect or so I thought. I’m just at a loss. He has DECIEVED me and like so many others here I want to save our marriage. If he’s living in fantasy land and I can get him to “snap” out of it I feel like we have a better chance at R than if it’s true real deal feelings. I just don’t know. I have a lot of decisions to make. Thanks again for your support.

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somanymistakes

Can he actually still LOVE her. What about affair fog I see?

 

Like many terms "affair fog" gets thrown around by a lot of people who don't always know what it means.

 

Sometimes people talk about affair delusions because if a husband is having a full-on affair with another woman, he only sees the most exciting parts of her. He only sees the date nights and the sexy adventures, she's always super-excited to see him because their time together is limited, they never have to deal with laundry and kids puking and balancing the bills. This gives him an unfair view of how much "better" his relationship with her would be than with his wife.

 

Other people talk about "affair fog" when what they actually mean is limerence or new relationship energy. Falling in love is quite overwhelming and tends to make people a bit crazy for a while. Nothing else seems as important as the new romance. You find yourself willing to give up anything, sacrifice anything. It all seems worthwhile as long as you can be together!!! People in this state are absolutely not thinking clearly. It's not specific to having an affair, though, it's just being lovestruck. This state wears off naturally in any relationship, but it lasts longer than usual in an affair because of the artificially taboo nature of the relationship.

 

The situation here doesn't really fall into either of these categories. Your husband is not carrying on a full romantic affair with this girl, and she certainly isn't a new romance. She's just The One That Got Away. She's his obsession.

 

Is he living in a fantasy land? Probably, to some extent. They have this deep connection but have never dated, right? So he may have built her up in his head to be the PERFECT relationship and everything would be awesome if they could just get together. That's a fantasy, she's human.

 

At the same time, it's also true feelings. He's cared about this woman for a long time and she clearly feels something for him even if she thinks it's just a super-close friendship. He's not just trying to get into her pants, he cares about her and values her opinion on things. She matters deeply to him, she is a part of who he thinks he is.

 

Ordering him to go NC with her is never going to work. He will always feel that you're being unreasonable, and resume talking to his friend when you're not looking. Especially if he's convinced that he doesn't want anything more than friendship with this woman anymore. He will feel that while he loves you, you do not have the right to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. Especially when it comes to friends he's known longer than he's known you.

 

You cannot get him to "snap" out of it.

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Like many terms "affair fog" gets thrown around by a lot of people who don't always know what it means.

 

Sometimes people talk about affair delusions because if a husband is having a full-on affair with another woman, he only sees the most exciting parts of her. He only sees the date nights and the sexy adventures, she's always super-excited to see him because their time together is limited, they never have to deal with laundry and kids puking and balancing the bills. This gives him an unfair view of how much "better" his relationship with her would be than with his wife.

 

Other people talk about "affair fog" when what they actually mean is limerence or new relationship energy. Falling in love is quite overwhelming and tends to make people a bit crazy for a while. Nothing else seems as important as the new romance. You find yourself willing to give up anything, sacrifice anything. It all seems worthwhile as long as you can be together!!! People in this state are absolutely not thinking clearly. It's not specific to having an affair, though, it's just being lovestruck. This state wears off naturally in any relationship, but it lasts longer than usual in an affair because of the artificially taboo nature of the relationship.

 

The situation here doesn't really fall into either of these categories. Your husband is not carrying on a full romantic affair with this girl, and she certainly isn't a new romance. She's just The One That Got Away. She's his obsession.

 

Is he living in a fantasy land? Probably, to some extent. They have this deep connection but have never dated, right? So he may have built her up in his head to be the PERFECT relationship and everything would be awesome if they could just get together. That's a fantasy, she's human.

 

At the same time, it's also true feelings. He's cared about this woman for a long time and she clearly feels something for him even if she thinks it's just a super-close friendship. He's not just trying to get into her pants, he cares about her and values her opinion on things. She matters deeply to him, she is a part of who he thinks he is.

 

Ordering him to go NC with her is never going to work. He will always feel that you're being unreasonable, and resume talking to his friend when you're not looking. Especially if he's convinced that he doesn't want anything more than friendship with this woman anymore. He will feel that while he loves you, you do not have the right to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. Especially when it comes to friends he's known longer than he's known you.

 

You cannot get him to "snap" out of it.

 

I actually disagree with some of this...

 

A lot of what SMM is saying is correct. But think about this, a man that has some built up "romantic" fantasy about a woman, weather they ever slept together or not, has something wrong with him.

 

It is like these guys that live in their mom's basement and stalk to most beautiful women in the neighborhood. It is strange.

 

Further, it really does sound like this was or is an emotional affair of some kind to me, but maybe not.

 

But just the fact that their is some type of LOVE between them makes it something that does not need to be part of the marriage.

 

I personally could not tolerate this myself. I would not allow or tolerate a close opposite sex friendship with my GF.

 

For me, a woman loves me completely, and totally or she does not love me, and she is not married to me...

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