Two cheaters trying to reconcile

[Kate84]

I started posting here almost year ago now. My original thread is still here if you want to read our backstory. I don’t how much help I’m going to get with my history and what I’ve done.

 

I don’t know where to start since my marriage is a complete mess. First off I guess is my a cheating wife of the worst kind. I became pregnant with OM child and passed it on has my husbands child. I’ve told my husband and he knows everything. Till this day I don’t know or understand why but he still wants to be married to me. I’m very grateful for this chance.

 

Me and my husband were in counseling for a couple of months. It didn’t really helped mostly because my husband didn’t want to continue with it. Party because i think my husband is still lying to me and isn’t being honest with me. Mostly because during our early years of marriage my husband was a serial cheater. Now I don’t blame him for any of that because I understand to a point why he did it. So I try not to hold that against him.

 

My problem is a lot of those women are still in contact with him. His excuse is he can’t help it if they still contacting him but he doesn’t mean he has to answer them. He say most of them are only friends and nothing more. I understand that but I used to be one of them I know what they want and it’s not only a friendship. That leads to another one of my issues with everything. It makes me feel very insecure. Most of the women that he talks to remind me of how I used to look and be. It makes me wonder if that’s what he wants instead of the current me. I haven’t said anything to him about this because I’m scared of hearing the answer.

 

 

I know I created this mess of a marriage. So I don’t wan to put this all on him because I know most men wouldn’t think twice about staying married to me. My husband seems only want forget and move on but I’m trying to make him realize that we can’t just forget and move on. That we need to fix our issue now to build a strong marriage.

 

Also does this make selfish. Part me feels like it does. What right do I have. Shouldn’t I be doing what he wants.

[Normm]

He say most of them are only friends and nothing more.

 

 

"Most of them are only friends". Yeah ok and the ones that aren't "most", what are they exactly?

 

You're both cheaters. Neither one of you has anything close to what it takes in terms of character or morality to maintain a monogomous, committed, honest, and trusting relationship. The best either of you can possibly do on a good day is agree to "be together" as husband and wife and share in finances, parenting and maybe even have quality time together- but agree to leave a blind eye to the various selfish transgressions that are bound to happen on a regular basis as long as either one of you is capable of attracting your preferred gender.

[FMW]

Tell him exactly what you said here - that you KNOW what the other women want, and whether or not he has any intention of responding isn't the issue. He needs to set them straight and tell them to never contact him again.

 

If he wants to keep the marriage as much as you do he should listen. He knows the truth now, all of it (right?), so his decision to stay in the marriage shouldn't mean he's allowed to get free passes for maintaining contact with "friends" just because the consequences of his affairs are not so profound.

 

Either you both forgive and stay faithful and focused on each other (with no orbiters) or it's not going to work.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now I don’t blame him for any of that because I understand to a point why he did it. So I try not to hold that against him.

 

Part of the problem right there. You'll be recovered when cheating seems incomprehensible, not understandable.

 

Which also means you'd stop rationalizing and permitting your H's unacceptable behavior. If you are indeed going to have a marriage, at some point one of you has to make a stand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

If you are indeed going to have a marriage, at some point one of you has to make a stand...

 

Indeed, depending on the type of marriage you want to have... At some point, you are both going to have to stop with the other relationships outside the marriage.

 

Your husband doesn't seem like he is ready to completely cut off these other women (pleural). That would be my cue to leave the relationship...

[brigit87]

I started posting here almost year ago now. My original thread is still here if you want to read our backstory. I don’t how much help I’m going to get with my history and what I’ve done.

 

I don’t know where to start since my marriage is a complete mess. First off I guess is my a cheating wife of the worst kind. I became pregnant with OM child and passed it on has my husbands child. I’ve told my husband and he knows everything. Till this day I don’t know or understand why but he still wants to be married to me. I’m very grateful for this chance.

 

Me and my husband were in counseling for a couple of months. It didn’t really helped mostly because my husband didn’t want to continue with it. Party because i think my husband is still lying to me and isn’t being honest with me. Mostly because during our early years of marriage my husband was a serial cheater. Now I don’t blame him for any of that because I understand to a point why he did it. So I try not to hold that against him.

 

My problem is a lot of those women are still in contact with him. His excuse is he can’t help it if they still contacting him but he doesn’t mean he has to answer them. He say most of them are only friends and nothing more. I understand that but I used to be one of them I know what they want and it’s not only a friendship. That leads to another one of my issues with everything. It makes me feel very insecure. Most of the women that he talks to remind me of how I used to look and be. It makes me wonder if that’s what he wants instead of the current me. I haven’t said anything to him about this because I’m scared of hearing the answer.

 

 

I know I created this mess of a marriage. So I don’t wan to put this all on him because I know most men wouldn’t think twice about staying married to me. My husband seems only want forget and move on but I’m trying to make him realize that we can’t just forget and move on. That we need to fix our issue now to build a strong marriage.

 

Also does this make selfish. Part me feels like it does. What right do I have. Shouldn’t I be doing what he wants.

 

Why do either of you want to stay married? It doesn't seem like a lifestyle either of you enjoy. You can always have an open marriage which seems more like a business relationship. Maybe do that???

[Confused48]

I have to disagree with the others saying your relationship is doomed or leave him or why do you want to be with him. I think your only problem is the expectations of others and perhaps of yourselves.

 

Maybe you just need to take comfort in the fact that, despite the other people, the other sexual partners, the two of you want to be together. Stop trying to define your relationship in traditional ways. Be together as you are, as you have been. Just continue. Stop putting unrealistic expectations on each other just bc society thinks you should.

 

If you can accept the relationship that you have as good and enough for you two, then you will be happy. Stop worrying what others think of it. If it works for the two of you that is all that matters.

[BenchCoach]

This relationship is just toxic no matter how you try to sell it.

[Kate84]

"Most of them are only friends". Yeah ok and the ones that aren't "most", what are they exactly?

 

You're both cheaters. Neither one of you has anything close to what it takes in terms of character or morality to maintain a monogomous, committed, honest, and trusting relationship. The best either of you can possibly do on a good day is agree to "be together" as husband and wife and share in finances, parenting and maybe even have quality time together- but agree to leave a blind eye to the various selfish transgressions that are bound to happen on a regular basis as long as either one of you is capable of attracting your preferred gender.

 

I know it doesn’t mean much but I only cheated once. Since that night I have been a faithful wife. Again I know that doesn’t count for much given what I put my husband through. But to stay I can’t be faithful and loving wife I think is unfair.

 

 

My husband affairs all took place during a period where he thought he was done with me and out marriage. The only reason he stayed was because he felt guilty kicking out a new mom and daughter. Even though he probably hated me he was willing to help me when I need it the most. I can say with 100% certainty my husband would have remained faithful if I never cheated. He’s a very good man who didn’t pick a very good wife.

[Kate84]

My counselor told I need to stand up for my self. It isn’t I think I’m ready to do let. I’m scared if I start pushing for to much he might leave. At a point I came to terms with the thought of him leaving and I prepared myself for that because I didn’t think what I did was forgive able. Now that I actually have a chance to make this mess of a marriage work and he wants to be with me. I have to make this work. It’s the only thing I want.

[Kate84]

An open marriage isn't an option. I want all of him I'm not interested in sharing.

[DKT3]

Oh Kate. I don't think you can repair this one, I don't think you can ever get him to truly commit back into the relationship. All the years of him knowing you cheated and the possibility that the child may not have been his likely hardened his heart towards you. I'm not sure why he stayed all this time, but I really doubt you can turn this into the type of marriage you want.

 

Also, what you did didn't make him cheat, those were his choices made completely independent of your choices. Having once been in his position I too started down that path but ultimately decided to not get involved with the other woman. He had other options. Stop blaming yourself for his crap, you have your own to deal with.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can say with 100% certainty my husband would have remained faithful if I never cheated.

 

Absolute poppycock. One-upping your partner's sins and mistakes says more about you than it does about them. No one is perfect, we'll all screw up at some point. If he sees your transgressions as an excuse to act our further, you're wasting your time in this relationship.

 

My counselor told I need to stand up for my self.

 

Since you're probably paying for this advice, I'd start putting it to good use...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jamess1]

Most of the women that he talks to remind me of how I used to look and be. It makes me wonder if that’s what he wants instead of the current me. I haven’t said anything to him about this because I’m scared of hearing the answer.

 

When you were younger you could attract the type of men you cheated on your husband with, but now you are older and less attractive 'happens to all women' and he is now having affairs with younger and better versions of you, now you can't compete with those younger women (physically and sexualy)

 

When you cheated on your hubby and got pregnant he realized that there is no such thing as love, what he really wants are beautiful and young women.

 

Women have a smaller window than men when it comes to their best sexually attractive days - most women start to get invisible to the quality men they would like to attract in their late 20s - but most men start getting quality girls they couldn't attract in their 20s in their early 30s, they reach their peak in their 36 and can extend to their mid 40s - with women in their 40s if they are not already married it's to late - anything else is a settling

 

 

Also does this make me selfish ?

 

 

Yes it does - but you don't have much of an option either, even if you divorce him, you can't do better than him but he can do better than you. So in a way he is doing you a big favor.

[Jamess1]

 

I can say with 100% certainty my husband would have remained faithful if I never cheated. He’s a very good man who didn't pick a very good wife.

 

 

Very true - in this era of toxic feminism it is men who are getting the shorter end of the stick - in fact you chose a 'nice guy' for marriage who you knew wouldn't leave you even when you cheated, but still missed the 'bad boy' from college, so you cheated.

 

You might be a good mother, after you cheated you ain't a good wife anymore - you have failed the basic requirement of marriage for a woman - 'keep them closed'

[Jamess1]

An open marriage isn't an option. I want all of him I'm not interested in sharing.

 

If you are not interested in sharing, why did you share your body and intimacy with another man ? It's okay when you are doing the sharing - your husband was raised either by a single mother or a weak feminine man - that's why he didn't leave - If he was a strong and masculine man you wouldn't have cheated - if you did you would know that he wouldn't have even touched you again and for that you would respect him deep inside.

[brigit87]

An open marriage isn't an option. I want all of him I'm not interested in sharing.

 

I can understand not wanting to share your husband but from what you wrote about him it seems like he likes to be around women. This is a problem. In my marriage neither one of us has opposite sex friends.

[Mr. Lucky]

in this era of toxic feminism it is men who are getting the shorter end of the stick

 

It's been interesting to see how these "toxic feminists" have effectively kept men from positions of power and influence.

 

Yes it does - but you don't have much of an option either, even if you divorce him, you can't do better than him but he can do better than you. So in a way he is doing you a big favor.

 

He's doing her a big favor by cheating on her? Makes sense only to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clay]

Reconciliation only works when both people are fully in 100%. Its easy to be critical of you for having another mans child and pinning it on your husband but lets move past that for a second.

 

If you really want to fix this ask yourself what do you think is stopping him from recommitting to the marriage aside of the Child?

 

Is the OM still in the picture. Does the OM know the of his child? Does he have access to the child? If so do you interact with him at all?

 

If he is still in the picture your odds of saving this marriage is next to 0%.

 

Sure that sucks for your child but its the brakes. Most men cant connect to OC let alone the spouse that cheated on them when they are still in contact with the OM.

 

If the OM's not in the picture and doesn't know about the child then you need to sit your husband down and ask him what is holding him back from recommitting to you and the marriage.

 

You can be upset with him if you want. You can kick him out for his actions but I think in this case your going to just have to talk to him and reason with him. If that doesn't work then you will have to draw some lines in the sand and move on with your life.

 

You are the one that did this to your marriage so I think at least you should do is try to work with him as much as you can before you throw in the towel.

 

C

[Kate84]

Very true - in this era of toxic feminism it is men who are getting the shorter end of the stick - in fact you chose a 'nice guy' for marriage who you knew wouldn't leave you even when you cheated, but still missed the 'bad boy' from college, so you cheated.

 

You might be a good mother, after you cheated you ain't a good wife anymore - you have failed the basic requirement of marriage for a woman - 'keep them closed'

 

People like give nice guys a bad rep and make other men think being a nice guy is a bad thing when it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Most if not all women want a nice guy. We just don’t want a fake nice guy who’s only nice to get something (sex) in return for being nice then they usually are the ones who complaining about not getting it. Those guys are more fools than anything.

 

My husband is an actual nice guy who try’s to be a decent human being. He try’s to help those who need help not to get anything in return but because it’s the right thing to do and he’s been blessed with the means to do so.

 

The OM was a one night stand fueled by drugs and alcohol. I didn’t even no the guys name. Did I find the guy attractive yes but thats was about it. I used to live a very dangerous and unhealthy lifestyle but it was the norm.

[Kate84]

I can understand not wanting to share your husband but from what you wrote about him it seems like he likes to be around women. This is a problem. In my marriage neither one of us has opposite sex friends.

 

I don’t have problem with him having friends of the opposite sex if I could trust them but I don’t. Most of them are fake insta models who think there actual models. Who are only looking for a guy with money nothing else and he knows this. What bothers me the most is he tries to deny it. He’s not stupid he knows what they want.

[Kate84]

Reconciliation only works when both people are fully in 100%. Its easy to be critical of you for having another mans child and pinning it on your husband but lets move past that for a second.

 

If you really want to fix this ask yourself what do you think is stopping him from recommitting to the marriage aside of the Child?

 

Is the OM still in the picture. Does the OM know the of his child? Does he have access to the child? If so do you interact with him at all?

 

If he is still in the picture your odds of saving this marriage is next to 0%.

 

Sure that sucks for your child but its the brakes. Most men cant connect to OC let alone the spouse that cheated on them when they are still in contact with the OM.

 

If the OM's not in the picture and doesn't know about the child then you need to sit your husband down and ask him what is holding him back from recommitting to you and the marriage.

 

You can be upset with him if you want. You can kick him out for his actions but I think in this case your going to just have to talk to him and reason with him. If that doesn't work then you will have to draw some lines in the sand and move on with your life.

 

You are the one that did this to your marriage so I think at least you should do is try to work with him as much as you can before you throw in the towel.

 

C

 

 

 

the OM doesn’t know and isn’t involved with my daughter. I plan to keep it that way. I want nothing to do with him.

 

My husband and our daughter are very close. He’s made it very clear to me that he is her father even if he’s not his biological child. She probably a big reason why he’s still here with me. I have no doubt it’s true when he says he loves her and would do anything for her.

 

I’m not ready or at a point where I want or could kick him out. It’s not what I want. I’m going to talk to him about going to counseling again because that this rate the both of us are going to end up hating each other.

[stillafool]

I don’t have problem with him having friends of the opposite sex if I could trust them but I don’t. Most of them are fake insta models who think there actual models. Who are only looking for a guy with money nothing else and he knows this. What bothers me the most is he tries to deny it. He’s not stupid he knows what they want.

 

You are right and he feels entitled to enjoy it.

[DKT3]

People like give nice guys a bad rep and make other men think being a nice guy is a bad thing when it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Most if not all women want a nice guy. We just don’t want a fake nice guy who’s only nice to get something (sex) in return for being nice then they usually are the ones who complaining about not getting it. Those guys are more fools than anything.

 

My husband is an actual nice guy who try’s to be a decent human being. He try’s to help those who need help not to get anything in return but because it’s the right thing to do and he’s been blessed with the means to do so.

 

The OM was a one night stand fueled by drugs and alcohol. I didn’t even no the guys name. Did I find the guy attractive yes but thats was about it. I used to live a very dangerous and unhealthy lifestyle but it was the norm.

Well you married a nice guy, saw a hot guy got drunk and high and messed around

With him. Kinda proves the point, right?

[Clay]

What have you done to change your behavior? What are you doing to make him feel he is safe investing back to the marriage? Have you given him full access to your phone and social media accounts? Do you go out with friends? Why should he really invest back into the marriage after this. I get he says he wants to but in all seriousness if he is feeling unsafe then he is probably keeping those women around as a back up measure.

 

 

C