My husband is involved with his colleague. What next?

[atthesea]

I recently found out my husband of 8 years had recently started being intimate with a colleague of his. Last Saturday, I ended up walking up on them laying in the grass, making out last weekend, and I was furious.

 

However, logistically and financially, neither of us can "leave" at this point. We just moved VERY far away from our hometown and have no support system or community where we are. I was so depressed when I realized I didn't have a single local friend I could call the night this happened and I know he didn't either and neither of us can afford hotels or expensive cross-country flights either. So the night that happened, he slept on the couch, and I slept in the bed.

 

The next day, he was super sorrowful and claimed it was all a mistake. Apparently when I walked up on him, the colleague told him that it was over because she didn't like being "caught." He even told me he wanted to try and work things out in our relationship and he still loved me.

 

I told him I needed some space, but due to our circumstances, it's only emotional space, not physical space. Neither of us can afford or have anywhere to go, either temporarily or permanently.

 

However, this week, I am getting some physical space to myself because the two of them are with a bunch of other people on a week long work trip out of town (trip was planned awhile back). Even though he told me was over between the two of them, I am super skeptical that it really is over. It all happened os fast.

 

He gets back in town on Sunday, and I am trying to figure out what to do. I know most people would just say "LEAVE" but the question is...um...where? I literally can't. After a super long financial crisis we were FINALLY starting to rebuild, and now this.

 

Now I am at home literally selling my things out of our house trying to scrape up money this week just to start building a savings account of my own, but this is not going to happen overnight.

 

So I'm curious, has anyone ever had to stay or wanted to stay after someone cheated for the first time? Of course, people talk about leaving, but what about those of us who don't have friends or relatives to stay with? And a different question, what about those, who (after taking some time), actually do want to try and restore the relationship if it's possible? Or does everyone think that's just totally ridiculous?

 

Thanks for reading

[stillafool]

Do you have a job? If not that would be your 1st step to gain independence from him. I imagine them be away a week together will give them an opportunity to rekindle their affair. It doesn't look good for you because even if you get mad at what he's doing you have no other choice but to stay and take it. Your first step has to be becoming financially independent of him.

[atthesea]

Do you have a job? If not that would be your 1st step to gain independence from him. I imagine them be away a week together will give them an opportunity to rekindle their affair. It doesn't look good for you because even if you get mad at what he's doing you have no other choice but to stay and take it. Your first step has to be becoming financially independent of him.

 

Thanks for your response. Yes, that's true. I am recently unemployed and am actively working on changing that right now while he is out of town. That is honestly the biggest obstacle. but I have to become financially independent. It's just not easy after 9 years of being with the same person. It's all happening so fast...but thanks for your response

[GorillaTheater]

If you're in the process of looking for a job anyways, going back to your hometown may be wise. I assume you'd have a support group of family and old friends there, right?

[atthesea]

If you're in the process of looking for a job anyways, going back to your hometown may be wise. I assume you'd have a support group of family and old friends there, right?

 

Unfortunately I already had a small family and due to recent deaths in the family and familial financial crisis, I don't have much to go back to. The more I am sitting here thinking about it, I really think I would if I could.

 

Like, this could not have happened to me in a worst financial season of my life. I am so used to being able to have a little extra cash to get up and go, but this past year has been hell in so many ways so we both have been a little strapped financially and stressed out. It's exhausting.

 

I'm just trying to get my mindset right so I can keep trying to make things better for myself. I've literally been selling stuff out of the house on letgo this week while he's gone.

 

I DO have one part-time contract job out of town next week that will bring in a little extra cash but what's so frustrating is that he is contracted on that same job (our skillsets overlap in the same industry so we end up on the same trips sometimes when I can actually find work).

 

So while I am waiting to get myself together financially, I am just trying to figure out what my attitude with him should be since I have to see him/live with him.

 

Should I:

 

A. Ignore him completely (don't pick him up from the airport like I said I would even though it would suck financially for me too if he had to get an uber -- we share bank account, only talk to him when I HAVE to when we are on the trip, etc.)

 

OR

 

B. Be there, but distant (pick him up from the airport, but make him sleep on the couch, don't eat meals with him, etc)

[GorillaTheater]

Or C, tell him to have his girl friend give him a ride.

 

 

I'd really consider bowing out and returning home. How would the job prospects compare?

[atthesea]

Or C, tell him to have his girl friend give him a ride.

 

 

I'd really consider bowing out and returning home. How would the job prospects compare?

 

Ha. this is true...

 

Unfortunately, I cannot really get out of this job contractually, and ruining that business relationship at this stage of my career wouldn't be good. It's hard because I know my mental and emotional health and dignity come first, but we're talking about a 9 year relationship...SO much of our lives are tethered together. That's how I found out about this stupid affair in the first place, because he was logged onto his social media accounts on my iPad from forever ago, and forgot.

 

So yea. It's just so freaking messy. Just trying to take it day by day but not put myself in an even worse financial bind at the same time.

[Mr. Lucky]

However, this week, I am getting some physical space to myself because the two of them are with a bunch of other people on a week long work trip out of town (trip was planned awhile back).

 

Come on atthesea, if you were serious about repairing the damage to your marriage, would you go on a 14-day trip with the affair partner? Plans be damned, a truly remorseful spouse wouldn't rub your nose so obviously in this mess.

 

Time to have an initial discussion with a lawyer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Striver]

So I'm curious, has anyone ever had to stay or wanted to stay after someone cheated for the first time? Of course, people talk about leaving, but what about those of us who don't have friends or relatives to stay with? And a different question, what about those, who (after taking some time), actually do want to try and restore the relationship if it's possible? Or does everyone think that's just totally ridiculous?

 

Thanks for reading

 

I did an in-home separation for over a year.

 

My exW separated from me a few years ago. She left me for a man whom she has since married. We had 3 kids. I needed to stay in the home because it was important to establish placement of physical custody of our children, which was disputed between the two of us. The kids had their rooms. I stayed in the master bedroom. The exW slept on the couch and later took over the office. We stayed out of each other's way. It was a large house.

 

As far as would I have tried to restore the relationship, probably. A big burden has fallen on me due to the divorce. I probably would have tried to tough it out because of that.

[S2B]

Ha. this is true...

 

Unfortunately, I cannot really get out of this job contractually, and ruining that business relationship at this stage of my career wouldn't be good. It's hard because I know my mental and emotional health and dignity come first, but we're talking about a 9 year relationship...SO much of our lives are tethered together. That's how I found out about this stupid affair in the first place, because he was logged onto his social media accounts on my iPad from forever ago, and forgot.

 

So yea. It's just so freaking messy. Just trying to take it day by day but not put myself in an even worse financial bind at the same time.

 

Wait,I thought you stated you were unemployed?

 

When he arrives at the airport tell him to go stay with his girlfriend...that the locks have been changed.

 

Move any money to an account in your name only now.

 

Look - get mad! He's having a full blown affair right in front of you and you aren't doing anything about it!

 

Blow up his world!

 

So what if your tangledwith him - every married couple is!you start UNtangling it all - and fast! Heck, Donald Trump gets divorced often...you can get divorced too - from a man who treats you terribly while he blatantly has this affair.

 

You got to help yourself - and now! Get moving on your independent and separating yourself from him now! I did it after 25 years being married - you can too! But you got to start taking action to help yourself.

 

Don't even answer his calls... when he is in mid air on his way home - text him "don't bother coming home, I've changed the locks". That will send him a clear message that you're over himmistreating you and the marriage!

[S2B]

He disrespected you and the marriage AGAIN the minute he went on the trip!

 

He threw it in your face that he WILL have this affair right in front of you!

 

He's not sorry at all... he's just going to keep doing it!

Edited July 26, 2018 by S2B

[atthesea]

Wait,I thought you stated you were unemployed?

 

When he arrives at the airport tell him to go stay with his girlfriend...that the locks have been changed.

 

Move any money to an account in your name only now.

 

Look - get mad! He's having a full blown affair right in front of you and you aren't doing anything about it!

 

Blow up his world!

 

So what if your tangledwith him - every married couple is!you start UNtangling it all - and fast! Heck, Donald Trump gets divorced often...you can get divorced too - from a man who treats you terribly while he blatantly has this affair.

 

You got to help yourself - and now! Get moving on your independent and separating yourself from him now! I did it after 25 years being married - you can too! But you got to start taking action to help yourself.

 

Don't even answer his calls... when he is in mid air on his way home - text him "don't bother coming home, I've changed the locks". That will send him a clear message that you're over himmistreating you and the marriage!

 

I'm unemployed full-time, but I have occasional random gigs that come in thankfully.

 

I am getting my own bank account this week, but it's true. I have been too passive and tolerant because honestly, I haven't been processing how ridiculous it is. It's a lot to work through but I'll get through it

[atthesea]

He disrespected you and the marriage AGAIN the minute he went on the trip!

 

He threw it in your face that he WILL have this affair right in front of you!

 

He's not sorry at all... he's just going to keep doing it!

 

True...come to think of it, I am not sure if he has ever looked at me and said 'sorry,' even after the coworker cut it off with him :sigh:

 

It's true, I have to stand up for myself

[Normm]

The problem is he isn't truly remorseful. He said it himself, she supposedly quit it after the discovery. Otherwise he'd still be at it. That's different from a person having an affair feeling guilty and stopping on their own and more importantly confessing to the affair. You don't really have anything to work with here.

[atthesea]

The problem is he isn't truly remorseful. He said it himself, she supposedly quit it after the discovery. Otherwise he'd still be at it. That's different from a person having an affair feeling guilty and stopping on their own and more importantly confessing to the affair. You don't really have anything to work with here.

 

Yea, I have to remember that part. As the old Rihanna song back in the day 'don't tell me you're sorry because you're not, you're only sorry you got caught.'

 

He's most likely not truly sorry and I have to act accordingly.

[stillafool]

You are blessed not to have children with this man so you only have yourself to move. Sorry but waiting on a job here and there isn't going to cut it. You are going to have to seek a second job and save that paycheck toward moving out. Having a steady job will keep your mind busy and out of the house which will be good for you.

[standtall]

 

The next day, he was super sorrowful and claimed it was all a mistake. Apparently when I walked up on him, the colleague told him that it was over because she didn't like being "caught." He even told me he wanted to try and work things out in our relationship and he still loved me.

 

 

OP, this says it all. You are his 2nd choice, and always will be.

 

This is a Boolean logic thing. There are 2 reasons why he is trying to make it work, and they both suck.

A. He is only trying to work it out because she dumped him, and he doesn't want to be alone.

B. He is lying about her response, and will continue on the affair when the storm passes.

 

I suppose that he could be truly remorseful , but that would be unlike most of the scenarios here. I would utilize his remorse for now and make your exit plans by building a lifeboat.

[somanymistakes]

Not even a 2nd choice, he's not picking between, he wants to have everything.

 

Knowing how the internals of affairs work from a lot of reading around these parts, even if she did get embarrassed and refuse to talk to him for a while, they will probably make up again soon.

[sandylee1]

His girlfriend didn't like being caught, so now he's available for you his wife.

 

Crazy right.

[Malin889]

Please tell me you didn’t pick him up from the airport and you are making your way home to your family. That is the only wise decision. If you’re not well off financially and can afford to live on your own, can you live with a family member or friend for a few months? I’m SURE they will understand and be sympathetic.

[Malin889]

Please tell me you didn’t pick him up from the airport and you are making your way home to your family. That is the only wise decision. If you’re not well off financially and can afford to live on your own, can you live with a family member or friend for a few months? I’m SURE they will understand and be sympathetic.

 

I meant *can’t* afford to live on your own