H’s ex girlfriend and him are in touch again after years of no contact!

[Mapper71]

Oooookay! I’m pissed! Just about 2 weeks ago H brought up his ex from at least 15 years ago. They were Facebook friends but it looks like she deleted him as a friend earlier this year. He said to me two weeks ago “"Oh I haven't heard from Jen on Facebook in a long time. She must either be really happy with this guy or really unhappy". She’s been dating this guy, at least to what I could discern on Facebook, for at least 3 years. Ever since I've known him, he would always randomly drop her name into a conversation. "Oh Jen and I used to go to that restaurant" or "That shirt was a gift from Jen's father" or "When I lived with Jen...". I have NEVER been rid of her. I could see if she was the mother of his daughter that he’d talk about her a lot, but she isn’t.

 

Well I know her phone number (don’t know her but know her phone number!) and I look at our phone records this morning and I’ll be damned, there’s about 10 text exchanges between them between 8:15 and 8:30! Looks like she initiated it with a picture text. Then after the texts she called him and they talked for 4 minutes. This is all out of the blue because I monitor all his Facebook messages and email and phone calls (all unknown to him) and there hasn’t been any interaction between them. He just started a new job last week and let me guess, now he works closer to her and wants to catch up and have drinks or lunch! Let’s see if he calls me and tells me he’s going to be late tonight because he’s going out with some people from work! He's gotten so cocky with this new job thinking he's just the best that it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks she wants him again!

 

I don’t know if she is still with this other guy or not. I can’t imagine she’d contact him if she was seeing as how she deleted him from her Facebook and didn’t seem to care about him when she was with this guy.

[SunnyWeather]

wow, you certainly keep your H on a short leash. Why do you covertly 'monitor' him incessantly? That's kinda disturbing, to say the least.

 

As to your concern about him being in contact with his ex. I really don't know their history, or personalities or if they might be 'cheating' (highly doubt it, btw). I can only speak from my experience and say that my ex and I are terrific friends, still like family in many ways, but this is only after minimal contact for several years post separation.

 

There never would be anything nefarious about our contact, we just genuinely care about each other's well being and often catch up, same goes for ex in laws. That's it. Both our respective partners know about our contact, and while it may sometimes irritate my current partner, the fact that I am completely transparent about our interactions makes it clear there is nothing to worry about. We even occasionally will all meet up for a social event. They get along quite well

[Mapper71]

wow, you certainly keep your H on a short leash. Why do you covertly 'monitor' him incessantly? That's kinda disturbing, to say the least.

 

As to your concern about him being in contact with his ex. I really don't know their history, or personalities or if they might be 'cheating' (highly doubt it, btw). I can only speak from my experience and say that my ex and I are terrific friends, still like family in many ways, but this is only after minimal contact for several years post separation.

 

There never would be anything nefarious about our contact, we just genuinely care about each other's well being and often catch up, same goes for ex in laws. That's it. Both our respective partners know about our contact, and while it may sometimes irritate my current partner, the fact that I am completely transparent about our interactions makes it clear there is nothing to worry about. We even occasionally will all meet up for a social event. They get along quite well

 

The difference is you KNOW that they are in contact. H lies to me about talking to or seeing her and I only find out by spying on him. He has never told me he saw her or called her. I have never met this woman. In the 14 years I've been with H, I sure have heard enough about her and she lives just 45 minutes away so why doesn't he invite her to our house or parties or arrange for us to meet up with her if she is so fantastic??!! No, instead he lies to me about seeing her or communicating with her.

 

Every year I would go visit my mom for a week and every year during that time I would see via phone records H try and call her. I would see private messages on Facebook between them saying stuff like him saying "I stopped by your house last night but nobody answered (this is after him being out at the bar with his buddy). His friend, who I knew just as well as her, died and he messaged her if she wanted to meet up for a drink so they could talk about him. Not talk to me, but to her. He didn't end up going in the end because he probably came to his senses. We were both downtown one night and had driven separately and we left at the same time. It was a snowstorm and yet somehow, even with me driving slowly, I still beat him home. He didn't show up for another 30 minutes. I asked him what happened. He said "Oh I was going to stop in at this one bar but it looked crowded". No what really happened, as I saw from phone records and texts, is that he ended up calling her to see if she wanted to meet at the bar, but didn't get a hold of her. They saw each other out just a week before we got married. He never told me this, once again I found out via Facebook. She said "I was hoping you were still single because I wanted to start seeing you again." and he said "Same old thing. Can't get you out of my mind". And she repeatedly Facebook messaged him "I can't believe you are getting married. I'm having such a hard time with this".

 

So that right there is why I am always checking up on him. He lies to me.

[Normm]

There seems to be mild to moderate trust and honesty issues that might need to be addressed in order for the relationship to prosper and progress significantly beyond it's current extremely dysfunctional level.

[Happy Lemming]

He's gotten so cocky with this new job thinking he's just the best that it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks she wants him again!

 

He has this great new job, his confidence is back and he feels good.

 

He is like a male peacock, just strutting around showing off his plumage. In the end, he'll come home (to you) to roost.

[Mapper71]

He has this great new job, his confidence is back and he feels good.

 

He is like a male peacock, just strutting around showing off his plumage. In the end, he'll come home (to you) to roost.

 

Yes. I know he will, but there's still the fact that he does all this behind my back. If there's nothing to hide, then why hide it??!!

[JuneL]

So it sounds like they wanted each other when he was about to marry you. Why didn’t he just break off the engagement then? Have you ever confronted him with their communication behind you?

 

I dunno. From your various threads, it doesn’t sound like you have much respect for him anyway.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If there's nothing to hide, then why hide it??!!

 

I'm guessing it's because of how you react. You said she contacted him out of the blue after no communication for a while. Do you think that is his fault?

[SunnyWeather]

one thing is clear: constantly snooping on him on his social media and phone accts is no way to live life, sounds exhausting and unproductive.

 

why haven't' you confronted him with what you know? It's like you're waiting to trap him or something

[Happy Lemming]

Yes. I know he will, but there's still the fact that he does all this behind my back. If there's nothing to hide, then why hide it??!!

 

Its not fun unless its secretive... He thinks he is getting away with something naughty, like the little kid that sneaks the cookie out of the cookie jar.

 

You've been through enough stress with the job interviews, job offer, background check, etc. with him. This is nothing... He is just strutting around, showing off.

[Doorstopper]

Looking back on your other posts I see he's been doing this for 6 + years. In any situation like this when both parties live physically close to each other, the chance of there being an EA without a PA is slim to none.

 

He's not telling you because he's screwing her. Maybe its a once a year thing, when you're away, or maybe its a lot more often than you think.

 

Also, her unfriending him on FB could mean a couple of things including that the relationship is getting hotter and they don't want others to know they are friends. My wife unfriended her AP shortly after their EA began.

 

BTW, none of his actions make your snooping acceptable unless you use it to confront him. I'd love to be the fly on the wall when you tell your husband that you have snooped on absolutely everything he has done electronically, going back at least 6 years.

 

Are you going to address this or just keep snooping?

Edited July 25, 2018 by Doorstopper

[Timshel]

There seems to be mild to moderate trust and honesty issues that might need to be addressed in order for the relationship to prosper and progress significantly beyond it's current extremely dysfunctional level.

 

 

Lol...

 

 

Mapper71, in cases such as this I would normally recommend marriage counseling and candid discussion with your spouse.

 

 

However, you have been very discontented with your husband for a very long time. Also, feeling the need to monitor your husband on all things media is a sign that trust is absent from your relationship.

 

 

If the two of you are willing to participate in counseling together then there may be an opportunity to get yourselves on a similar page.

 

 

If not, then I would only join the echo chamber in saying that you do not have to remain married.

[DKT3]

She constantly complains about this guy here in every aspect of a relationship, I'm confused as to why she is still married. She doesn't seem to even like the guy.

[Normm]

Her very first post here, from 6 years ago.

 

 

"I hate to say it, but I don't trust my husband one bit"

 

 

Some things never change.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, six years.

 

Six years of complaints, different issues, but six years of unhappiness in this marriage.

 

Mapper, if you don't like your husband's behavior, you have another decision. You can leave this relationship at any time.

 

Stop complaining, and make a decision. And, if you decide to stay... you have no right to complain because you chose this for yourself. It's your decision...

Edited July 25, 2018 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

Mapper71, what is keeping you in this marriage?

Edited July 26, 2018 by BettyDraper

[Luvmykidz]

Based on personal experience, it doesn't seem like he's over her.

[MCRider68]

Based on personal experience, it doesn't seem like he's over her.

 

I'm very much over her. What my wife, Mapper71, has not told you was that my ex did not unfriend me on FB, she's just been inactive. Mapper71 also failed to inform you that my ex's father is a retired police officer, Assistant Chief of Police as a matter of fact.

 

Recently, a family member went missing. I contacted my ex to see if her father could assist in some way. The family member later turned up murdered and we're still looking for the suspect. My ex has been very supportive via text and telephone.

 

To sum it up, it's not a crime to keep in touch with people. And while it's not a crime to dig through someone's bank records, phone calls, emails, in the hope of digging up dirt.. .it sure doesn't help a relationship grow.

 

Cheers!

[mrs rubble]

I'm very much over her. What my wife, Mapper71, has not told you was that my ex did not unfriend me on FB, she's just been inactive. Mapper71 also failed to inform you that my ex's father is a retired police officer, Assistant Chief of Police as a matter of fact.

 

Recently, a family member went missing. I contacted my ex to see if her father could assist in some way. The family member later turned up murdered and we're still looking for the suspect. My ex has been very supportive via text and telephone.

 

To sum it up, it's not a crime to keep in touch with people. And while it's not a crime to dig through someone's bank records, phone calls, emails, in the hope of digging up dirt.. .it sure doesn't help a relationship grow.

 

Cheers!

 

Sorry to hear about your family member, how awful. I hope the culprit is caught. Congratulations on the new job.

[marky00]

I'm very much over her. What my wife, Mapper71, has not told you was that my ex did not unfriend me on FB, she's just been inactive. Mapper71 also failed to inform you that my ex's father is a retired police officer, Assistant Chief of Police as a matter of fact.

 

Recently, a family member went missing. I contacted my ex to see if her father could assist in some way. The family member later turned up murdered and we're still looking for the suspect. My ex has been very supportive via text and telephone.

 

To sum it up, it's not a crime to keep in touch with people. And while it's not a crime to dig through someone's bank records, phone calls, emails, in the hope of digging up dirt.. .it sure doesn't help a relationship grow.

 

Cheers!

 

Something just feels off about this post !!!

 

In fact, this whole thread feels a bit off.

 

Assuming this is all legit, i'm curious how you tracked down your wife's thread on LS?

[MCRider68]

Something just feels off about this post !!!

 

In fact, this whole thread feels a bit off.

 

Assuming this is all legit, i'm curious how you tracked down your wife's thread on LS?

 

I'll sum it up for clarity.

 

Mapper71 has always had 100% access to all aspects of my life. Bank records, access to my FB, everything. And I've always communicated with her verbally. Recently I've found that Mapper71 hasn't been as forthcoming with me and research led me here.

 

To close, I'll not be spending time here (beyond an agreed period between us) and she is welcome to continue posting, so long as she communicates to me, what she's saying here.

 

Have a good one.

[Normm]

I'll sum it up for clarity.

 

 

It appears that nobody cares.