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Did I ever love my husband??


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[] I want some public opinion besides my therapist and best friend.

 

I met my husband in high school when I was 15 through a mutual friend. He told her he thought I was "hot." I asked her if he drove. She gave him my number. We went on an amazing first date. Even though I was 15 with very little experience we clicked so easily and stayed together throughout high school. Our relationship was pretty good except for the occasional argument on how much I hated kissing him.

 

During college, we broke up for two years so I could date other people (my choice, not his). I did not meet anyone of value and got sick of being single. I thought to myself that I have this great guy at home - why not just be with him and save myself all the heartache, so that's what I did. Four years after that we moved in together.

 

When I started graduate school I noticed all my friends were starting to get engaged. I felt an immense amount of pressure to get married, and I put that pressure on him. Much to my parents and friends disagreement, we got married two years into my graduate school program. They disagreed not because of our age (we were mid-20s), but because of our education/financial disparity.

 

About one year after being married I got so bored with our sex. I dont know why. It really just became so routine and blah. I tried to spice it up with lingerie and that did little. I wanted dirtier passionate sex. I do/did not feel comfortable doing that with my husband. Possibly because I like him seeing the innocent side of me; not the raw dirty side. It also did not help that he let himself go physically. I lost a lot of sexual attraction towards him (if I ever had any) and sometimes had to picture someone else in order for me to orgasm during sex. I tried to get him to exercise with me and eat well. It mostly caused a lot of arguments.

 

To make a long story short, one night I got the courage to tell my husband that getting married was a mistake. He's a wonderful person, but I settled. This broke his heart into a million pieces. I actually saw him cry. I've never broken anyone's heart before right in front of me and it hurt seeing him like that.

 

To add insult to injury, about a month after that I cheated on him. He ended up catching me and that hurt him more. And it hurt me even more to see what damage I've done to him. To make things right I asked him for a divorce, but ultimately have been unable to start the proceedings because I felt like it might be a mistake (and I lack(ed) the strength). I hated hurting him again especially when it was not what he wanted.

 

We're trying to repair our relationship now - but part of me still has my doubts about it. I'm living alone and enjoying it. He slept over the other night and I sort of did not want him there. I love his company and our friendship, but his habits and mannerisms bother me.

 

Am I a terrible person who will never be satisfied? Did I ever love my husband in the first place? We have no children to property together. I never took his last name or merged our finances. We always lived like roommates - and that was how I liked it.

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40somethingGuy

No, you are not a terrible person but you describe yourself as very selfish and lured him in for the wrong reasons. He seems quite weak and you know you will never be in love with him. Divorce him but don't take his money. Give him a very favorable deal so he can find someone who cherishes him. I'd say you'd me a more terrible person if you continue to string him along despite not loving him. I feel bad for him.

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At some point, yes, you probably loved him.

 

Now, however, you don't. I believe the worst part is that you know you are being cruel, but continue to try to make things work when that's not what you want. You want to divorce him and you need to be strong enough to do so, for his sake and yours.

 

Both of you deserve a life with someone you actually love and want to be with. Don't keep him holding on by the hope that maybe one day you just might love him, because you won't.

 

The relationship at this point seems more toxic than anything. Infidelity should have been where the line was drawn. It is time to walk away.

 

Try to remember that this relationship is hindering you from finding happiness in someone else. You owe that to yourself. Don't try to find reasons to stay, because there always will be some. It is about measuring how much the reasons to leave equate the reasons to stay.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your husband all of the best.

 

Good luck.

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[] I want some public opinion besides my therapist and best friend.

 

You've used him like I use my raincoat - to ward off the unpleasant alternative. I don't like wearing it, but I like getting soaked even less. So I begrudgingly put it on.

 

One definition of love is wanting the best for our partner, even at some cost to ourselves. On that basis, it certainly seems like a less than healthy and loving relationship.

 

And it's hard for me to find a single reason why you'd want to continue it...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Loving someone is very different from being "in love". I think you had the former, not the latter.

 

I think you need to proceed with the divorce. He's frightened and off balance right now because of the situation but he will recover and can be happy in the future - if you set him free to find that happiness.

 

You can also find happiness in the future as long as you don't repeat your mistakes - don't settle for good enough or for comfortable and easy. Relationships will always have issues, but you need to start out with a good basis - authentically being in love.

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are you still having an affiar?

 

 

Yes I am. Im not proud of it, but I am. It's been strictly emotional since getting caught physically. Not that that really makes any difference...

 

I never thought I would be this person. Fidelity and trust were always important to me. Although once after a few drinks (maybe a year after we were married and before I actually cheated on him) I admitted to a girlfriend I would cheat on my husband if someone else came along.

 

Either way I don't like this woman I've become, and want to change.

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40somethingGuy
Yes I am. Im not proud of it, but I am. It's been strictly emotional since getting caught physically. Not that that really makes any difference...

 

I never thought I would be this person. Fidelity and trust were always important to me. Although once after a few drinks (maybe a year after we were married and before I actually cheated on him) I admitted to a girlfriend I would cheat on my husband if someone else came along.

 

Either way I don't like this woman I've become, and want to change.

 

When you got caught, did he put his foot down and demand NC? How did he react?

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When you got caught, did he put his foot down and demand NC? How did he react?

 

 

He did not. He told me he was going to move out...which he did after a couple of months. Between that time we were living together and even sleeping in the same bed (only sleeping).

 

I found myself to feel decently happy/less trapped when I realized the relationship was on the outs, and had no intention of trying to repair the marriage with him at that point (although it is what he wanted).

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You liked that he loved/loves you.

 

Divorce is merely the removal/ending of the legal partnership. The law can't keep you apart if you really want to be together, even after the divorce is final. People change their minds all the time. You might. You might not. Right now it's done, from what I'm reading. Respect that. Move on.

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To make a long story short, one night I got the courage to tell my husband that getting married was a mistake. He's a wonderful person, but I settled. This broke his heart into a million pieces. I actually saw him cry.

 

I'm not sure why you told him that. It's kind of mean.

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I'm not sure why you told him that. It's kind of mean.

 

 

I just wanted to be honest with him. I didn't say it exactly like that of course. I tried to sugarcoat it as best I could.

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Saying it like you settled kinda seems to imply you could do "better". Thats condescending at the least.

 

The proper way to say it would be.... We are not compatible. We don't click. Romantically, sexually. If you want to help him a bit more say.... we did once, but no more.

 

Try not to make him feel like A dud. He has spent his entire marriage attempting to unlock the sexuality of a woman who CLAIMED to love him and failed. It very dehumanizing, embarrassing and strike a at the core of men. He has been experiencing sexual defeat after defeat with no idea why the woman he thought loved him could connect with him like that.

 

He doesn't sound like a bad guy. Try to save as much of his male ego as you have left intact as possible and go and divorce him.

 

As much as people say you deserve happiness and a partner you can click with, so does he. He just doesn't know that wonderful option is out there.

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Lotsgoingon

How did you get from telling your husband that the marriage was a mistake to being a bad person? ... I'm gonna defend you. You aren't some bad person. You're just someone completely lost and confused in thinking about your life and relationships.

 

Did you shoot him in the head and not tell us? That's a bad person.

 

You were just a young person who made a lot of youthful stupid decisions. But you don't have kids so you're in fantastic shape to enjoy the rest of your life.

 

This marriage is NOT in trouble because you announced that you thought the marriage was a mistake. That's the first truth you've had since you met this guy.

 

This marriage is also NOT in trouble because you cheated.

 

The marriage was long in trouble. The relationship was always in trouble. There is nothing to repair at this point.

 

Repair suggests you had a functioning relationship earlier on. You didn't. You hated kissing the guy going back to high school.

 

Big lesson ... let's focus there ... if you cannot thrillingly kiss someone ... with wild goosebumps ... they are not a romantic partner. They are a friend.

 

Can't enjoy kissing. Can't enjoy dating.

 

Once you were blind to that basic truth, the rest of the disaster was inescapable.

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My question for you, OP, is what are you going to bring to a future relationship with a different man that is going to make things better?

 

You were already rid of your H for two whole years during college. College is as prime a dating ground as you could wish for, with many available people. Yet you couldn't find one that came close to H. Still, you think you can do better than H.

 

I don't have any idea of what sorts or quality of men you can attract. I do fear that if you have an entitled attitude towards relationships, you will wind up in the same boat with a different man.

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My question for you, OP, is what are you going to bring to a future relationship with a different man that is going to make things better?

 

You were already rid of your H for two whole years during college. College is as prime a dating ground as you could wish for, with many available people. Yet you couldn't find one that came close to H. Still, you think you can do better than H.

 

I don't have any idea of what sorts or quality of men you can attract. I do fear that if you have an entitled attitude towards relationships, you will wind up in the same boat with a different man.

 

 

IMO I don't have an entitled attitude towards relationships per say. I've just always accepted what I got, if that makes sense. I never knew (and still don't fully) what kind of man I personally am attracted to. In my past all the guys I dated were because they liked me/found me attractive, and I grew to eventually like certain characteristics about them. However I did not initially like them/feel attracted to them.

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Lotsgoingon

Well there is your problem.

 

You only marry someone you are NUTS over in ... for multiple qualities they have.

 

You married this guy for reasons we would buy a used car.

 

You dated for two years, and decided he was available. Therefore I'll marry him.

 

Really not good thinking there.

 

But the problem may be that you have never dated someone who totally turned you on ... you don't know what to look for. You may need to be more entitled--and insist on just dating for fun ... and let yourself report on what you're feeling for various guys.

 

You need out of the marriage yesterday.

 

Your husband seems like someone who would qualify as a friend ... for whatever reason you and he blindly pursued romance. If you don't like kissing (a problem you reported back in high school) the marriage ain't gonna work. Never. Ever.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Only you know if you ever truly loved your husband or not, but it's clear to me that you've narrated the story in such a way to persuade us, your readers, to support your notion that you never really loved your husband, thereby giving you some kind of justification for your continuing affair. I'm sure you know there's never a justification for that, though. I'd advise you just rip the band-aid off and save your poor husband future misery. Let him go to find someone who appreciates his good qualities.

 

Even though I was 15 with very little experience

 

I hated kissing him.

 

got sick of being single.

 

why not just be with him and save myself all the heartache, so that's what I did.

 

I felt an immense amount of pressure to get married

 

Much to my parents and friends disagreement, we got married

 

I got so bored with our sex. I dont know why. It really just became so routine and blah.

 

he let himself go physically. I lost a lot of sexual attraction towards him (if I ever had any) and sometimes had to picture someone else in order for me to orgasm during sex.

 

one night I got the courage to tell my husband that getting married was a mistake.

 

I settled.

 

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IMO I don't have an entitled attitude towards relationships per say. I've just always accepted what I got, if that makes sense. I never knew (and still don't fully) what kind of man I personally am attracted to. In my past all the guys I dated were because they liked me/found me attractive, and I grew to eventually like certain characteristics about them. However I did not initially like them/feel attracted to them.

 

IMO, it seems like you are being passive in your relationships.

 

Have you ever tried flirting with a man that you like? There's never been a scenario where there was some glimmer of attraction on your part, and you tried to encourage him?

 

I do think it is definitely on you to look at yourself and your part in your relationships, instead of just passively accepting what comes your way. Otherwise, you will repeat yourself.

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Only you know if you ever truly loved your husband or not, but it's clear to me that you've narrated the story in such a way to persuade us, your readers, to support your notion that you never really loved your husband, thereby giving you some kind of justification for your continuing affair. I'm sure you know there's never a justification for that, though. I'd advise you just rip the band-aid off and save your poor husband future misery. Let him go to find someone who appreciates his good qualities.

 

I see your points.

 

Before I ever told my husband I thought our relationship was coming to it's end, and before I had an A, I would see random girls and think to myself "hm, maybe she would be a good match for him." As H and I got older and had different life experiences, I felt that I was less and less of a good fit for him. I wrote my story to you as I see it. There is no justification at all for having the affair. I cannot defend it. I can only try to see why it happened in the first place. I was faithful to H for all our years together, except this most recent one.

 

IMO, it seems like you are being passive in your relationships.

 

Have you ever tried flirting with a man that you like? There's never been a scenario where there was some glimmer of attraction on your part, and you tried to encourage him?

 

Thinking hard all the way back to my college years I truthfully cannot say that I have ever tried flirting with a man I like. This was my usual cycle: guy thinks I'm attractive and hits on me, I reject him, he tries again at a later date, i start to think maybe i should give him a chance, i give him a chance.

 

I do think it is definitely on you to look at yourself and your part in your relationships, instead of just passively accepting what comes your way. Otherwise, you will repeat yourself.
I 100% agree. If we D, that is exactly what I'm doing. Also why I am in individuals therapy.
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Lotsgoingon

I'm not quite going to defend the affair.

 

But I will share what I've learned from looking at several friends of mine in terrible and unsatisfying marriages.

 

These were all very moral and kind and sweet people.

 

But each one was frankly in an unaffectionate, cold, sometimes nasty marriage without real tenderness or gentleness. One felt completely emotionally overwhelmed by her husband. A male friend felt totally unattracted to his wife, who seemed to hate men.

 

Another couple, the wife treats the husband terribly ... I could not believe what he put up with ... but that's the key in all three cases. They "put up with" the misery in their marriages, didn't ask for changes, didn't advocate for themselves, refused to go to therapy for help. They each decided to not face how unhappy they were in the marriage.

 

And guess what? These folks all cheated. If you are going to clueless starve yourself of affection and tenderness, then you should know that your chances of slipping into someone else's arms ... go WAY up! ... And I don't mean just touch ... though I do mean that too ... but touch affection and just love-gentleness affection.

 

Think of the quiet passive person who feels everyday like they're being mistreated by a coworker but say nothing ...think about what happens as this quiet resentment builds up over time.

 

One day, they explode at the person mistreating them. And they may say horrible nasty stuff. And crazily enough, the will probably feel guilty for getting so mad.

 

But the problem wasn't that the mistreated person finally exploded.

 

The real root of the problem is that the mistreated person didn't stand up for themselves, didn't speak up, address the annoying issues ... all along the way ... so their anger and resentment just built up and built till it exploded.

 

If you're going to go clueless in a marriage--if you're going to marry someone like we buy a used car--if you are going to ignore the importance of physical attraction and affection, then you are basically mistreating yourself ... and guess what? ... you are going to act out inappropriately, hence the affair.

 

You cannot participate in your own emotional neglect and not pay a price.

 

So the affair is NOT telling you that you are bad.

 

The affair is telling you that you are beyond miserable in the marriage. Miserable was reached like 5 years ago. You are so far past miserable, and you still can't face up to your unhappiness. You go from ignoring yourself to blaming yourself.

 

The affair is telling you to wake up. it's an alarm saying Wake the Heck Up and Take Some Serious Action.

 

Therapy sounds good. I hope you are making progress there.

 

You sincerely wanted to marriage him ... but that was from a really lost and naive point of view. Did you ever love him? Who cares? That's not the question. The question is whether you are happy in this marriage. THAT'S the question!

 

Quick avoiding it if you want some happiness and peace in this life.

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Don't be like me. I cheated my entire 13 year, 10 year marriage to my husband that led to having a child by another man. If I could go back, I would have never married him.

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What is happiness in a marriage?? How does one know if they are happy or just comfortable (or both)? Can you have comfort without happiness?

 

I'm asking those as real questions - not rhetorical.

 

I feel like most people who are unhappy in their marriages seem to have a decent reason to be. Maybe the SO was away a lot, or abusive, or an addict - just as examples. My H was none of those things. I had no real reason to be unhappy in our marriage. He's a wonderful guy with a big heart and a great sense of humor.

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