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Confuseddad

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Confuseddad

Hi all

I need advice please. I’m trying to work out if my marriage is over and if my wife has been cheating. Here’s the story in brief as I can

I’ve been with my wife for 24years, 3 kids

18 years ago I messed up. We were at a party all day drinking party that ended up in the pool with a female friend of ours. Wife left me there and went to bed. I kissed the friend messed around but no sex. I was extremely drunk but that’s no excuse I know. I was and still am extremely sorry. Nothing like that has ever happened again. Nor have I had any contact with that woman again.

I promised nothing would ever happen again and I bought my wife an eternity ring. And I have kept my promise. It wasn’t an affair I was a drunken idiot.

2 years later we had our first child. 4 years later we had 3.

my wife had what I think now my have been an emotional affair. She started texted a guy and going for walks with our dog with him in the woods near our house. She kept it hidden from me. I found out as I just happened to see a text from him. Confronted her she said it was nothing I said ok she said she would meet him again.

A week or so later I came home from work early and I found she had met up with him again. This time I found out who it was. A father from school I was upset that she had done it again and hiding it from me. She said it was nothing and I was over reacting. I believed her.

Not long after that I changed work as we were short of money and in debt. I went back to my old job but unfortunately it meant I had to be away for months at time. We needed the money so I did it for us.

 

I got us out of debt and paid for an extension for the house.

However our marriage suffered. I hated being away from her and the kids. But it seemed a means to and end. We became more distant and sex became less and less. Not because I didn’t want to because she didn’t want to.

Then just before Christmas 2015 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I was floored. I tried to be positive but it’s not easy.

I had medical leave from work for 9 months fortunately I had insurance. I must admit I thought about my life allot and what was important to me.

 

I went back to work but I had enough. I lasted 1 year before handing in my resignation. My wife was not happy, but didn’t say much. It was more what she didn’t say that made me know. Just before I came back she said “ don’t expect sex”. That shocked me but I didn’t know what to say really.

Then a little while after I came home and was setting up a business in our town.

One day I came home to a strange seen. I just had a bad feeling in my gut. There was her vibrator on the bed, and strange set of car keys on the bed. I thought very strange to leave the vibrator on the bed the kids could be home soon. Then the keys.. so I picked up a pair of her trousers that were on our bed also an there was one of our condoms in the pocket. We hadn’t used them for a while and I new how many there were as several had disappeared.

 

I asked her when she got home and she said she found it on the floor and had picked it up. I knew this was not true. I was sort of in shock not sure what to do but we argued over the next day or so and I told her she was lying and that I knew that it was one of ours that had just gone missing. She then changed her story and said it was for a friend who was having an affair.

We argued for a while about it and she told me who it was. It was for the wife of a couple that are our friends.

I said how could she help her have an affair that was wrong. She then said no it was more of a joke. I said I don’t get the joke. They are both friends of ours.

I don’t believe it was for a friends. I am sure she has been cheating on me but can’t prove it. None of it makes sense.

 

I’ve been thinking about divorce. I think our marriage is dead. I know I made a mistake in the past.

I could forgive her but I can’t if she won’t tell me the truth.

 

I’ve done the best I can for my wife and family but I think the end of the marriage is here.

We are in marriage counseling now. But it wasn’t easy to get her to go. I basically had to threaten divorce for her to go.

This has kept me up at nights for the last year and I can’t take much more.

Any thoughts?

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I think she's cheating. I think she's being cruel to you. I think she's being very disrespectful and not even trying too hard to hide it. I think you're right that you've probably reached the end of the marriage.

 

I'm very sorry you are experiencing this. Read other threads here that are similar and you'll have a lot of advice to sort through and figure out what's best for you.

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Your wife’s lying she’s having an affair.! And you know this to be true what about the keys you never mentioned anything about keys.?

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Stop confronting. Let her let her guard down. VAR in her car/anywhere she could talk on phone. Check phone records. Check her phone for chat apps. Put up a tracker in her car. Check her texts. Check anything she could have used to communicate. Hire a PI if needed. Dr.fone her phone if you can. It's a program to retrieve deleted texts.

 

There are people you can hire to hack her social media and email accounts. It can be risky as a lot of these guy are scammers and it can be highly illegal depending.

 

Yes sneaking around spying is bitter and it's awful to need to do it, BUT you need to. The red flags your wife is showing are numerous and big.

 

Shut up , collect evidence and smack her in the face (metaphorically) with it when you do find out. Make sure you don't reveal before you have ALL info. Never reveal your sources. Don't talk about this site.

 

If you DO catch her dont reveal everything you know. Just enough to let her know you know. Let her show you how much of the truth she is willing to show you. If you tell her you know she ****ed him on so and so date and ask for more info even though you know there is more and she says no that's it.... then you know she's not remorseful. Until she reveals the Whole truth of her own accord she isn't on track to stop cheating. The acts done during infidelity are extremely damaging, but by far the biggest damaging factor is the lack of truth(depends on the person). As long as the lies and secrets continue, even if she does stop cheating it won't matter. She would still be wayward in thought. She would still be disrespecting and manipulating you. If she reveals things she thought you didnt know it shows she is taking this seriously. That she wants to be honest. That she still has SOME respect for you left.

 

That's about all you can do on the infidelity front.

 

On the marriage front..... man up. Take control. Start making demands for more effort from her. Start calling her on her bull****. Don't avoid hard talks and don't let her avoid them either. Start communicating efficiently and calmly. Look after yourself. Exercise and eat properly. Make sure you stay hydrated.

 

Remember as long as you pull your sleeves up and think rationally you can get yourself out of infidelity even if sadly it is without you most likely cheating wife.

 

Remember CONTROL. NOT HER. YOURSELF. Don't let fear sadness rejection dictate your course of action. Think logically. Your emotions are important. You have to feel them to get through them, but don't let them control you.

 

Don't make empty threats is another one. Every time you make a threat and don't follow through it makes your words more of a joke to her.

 

Keep your head up buddy. This isn't going to be over anytime soon. Take your time processing this. Read up on infidelity. Arm yourself with knowledge.

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18 years ago I messed up. We were at a party all day drinking party that ended up in the pool with a female friend of ours. Wife left me there and went to bed. I kissed the friend messed around but no sex. I was extremely drunk but thatÂ’s no excuse I know. I was and still am extremely sorry. Nothing like that has ever happened again. Nor have I had any contact with that woman again.

 

Confuseddad, here's the problem. Were I your wife, doubt I'd believe your "no sex" claim (what is "messed around?), drunk or not.

 

And so, while nothing she's done is fair or right, I'll bet she's got a considerable sense of entitlement based on your marital history.

 

What does she say during counseling?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Confuseddad

Mr Lucky

There were other people at the party who saw me. I’m sure I didn’t have sex. My wife was in therein the pool to start. While it’s true my memory is hazy to to the alcohol and the fact it was 18 years ago I know I didn’t. We discussed it after and she knew I didn’t. However it doesn’t diminish the fact that it was a horrible event. I am very sorry it happened. I can understand my wife’s anger, but we made the decision to have children 2 years later.

I was not alone in the pool for long or nor did I deny or try to hide that I was there. I was not fully undressed nor was the woman. Everybody who was in the pool was in underwear.

This does not make me a better person. And yes she could be having revenge sex. She has had plenty of opportunity while I was working away.

I would completely understood if she wanted a divorce after it happened. I would have done anything to help her. I am not an underhanded person. What you see is what you get.

If she doesn’t want to be married then ok let’s talk about it and work it out one way or another. I did not want this and do not want to be divorced but I can’t and won’t live the way it is now.

Had the situation been slightly different and a guy had been hitting on my wife in the pool I would have told to f*** off leave my wife alone. That doesn’t mean I’m saying it’s her fault at all. Just a point the marriage counsellor brought up.

I’ve gone out and supported my family even after being diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer as well as a second cancer.

I’m here working 10-12 hour days 6 days a week. But I. At the end of my tether. Can’t take any more.

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I don't really think it's about the incident 18 years ago unless she's brought it up repeatedly over the years. Has she, and does she bring it up?

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Confuseddad

No not really until recently. In the last year after I found the condom it did. She has also been telling her friends about it. But a different version. Gaslighting I think it’s called. I’ve heard a bit through a var. also friends have said to me.

I’m sure she has had an affair/cheated but can’t prove it to many things have happened. To many clues but no proof.

I think I could forgive her but she would have to admit it. On the surface our marriage is ok but in reality we just share the same house.

She moved into the guest bedroom after I found the condom. She has moved back and for between our bedroom and the guest bedroom a few times over the last year. Depends where we are in our argument. She always says it’s cause she can’t sleep, but it always happens after we argue.

She has brought it up a lot in our counselling. I hadn’t got in well with the counsellor but to be fair she did say to my wife that she has to move on from that and close that part of our lives if she wants to make our marriage work.

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Confuseddad

Adotta

Thanks for the feedback.

This is what I’m doing. I have realised I can only control my life. Or I can try at least. I have never tried to control my wife.

I’ve gone back to the gym and feeling better for it. I’ve lost nearly 30lbs back to the weight I was 25 years ago. I gave up drinking.

Focusing on my family. Trying to look after my kids and have fun with them.

We are working hard and it’s not as easy as when I worked away but at least we are all together. I thought that would be a good thing.

I know we are both tired but that’s no reason for us not to try and smile and be happy at home.

I try to be positive. I never confront her any more. Occasionally in marriage counselling I bring up the points that I’m not happy with but only then. I still try to nice and make her a cup of tea in the morning.

I’m ready to embrace her and our life together if she wants but only if she meets me half way.

I won’t be walked on anymore. I don’t mean that aggressively but in a quiet way. But I won’t just passively by.

If she wants to be with me I need love, intimacy, laughter, empathy, and sex.

It’s been 3 years since we have had sex.

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whichwayisup

Two wrongs don't make a right. You fooled around with someone ONE time and lost contact with that person many many years ago. Yet your wife has continually put effort into another man, spending time with him and bonding.. That's inappropriate and it is an affair, one she is protecting by lying and gas lighting you.

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Confuseddad

The hardest part is I can’t work out what my wife wants. It feels like she was happier with the pseudo marriage we had when I worked away. I was there for support and to put money in the bank. Sounds harsh but that’s how it feels now. If she wants out of the marriage she just needs to say. I know it’s rarely that simple but it could be.

For to long I’ve put my needs second or even third. No longer. My needs are just as important as hers. Our kids are the most important.

I think this has been a bit of a shock to her.

If we can both be happy together that would be amazing but we both need to put the effort in.

Seems crazy but I would love to just be able to sit next to each other on the couch comfortably. Just a little physical contact to start. A cuddle in bed and watch tv together. Sounds boring and pathetic I guess.

Sure I want sex as well but that’s not all.

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Your 'wife' is not being a wife to you. She was happy to take your money to support her lifestyle all those years but she stopped being a wife quite a long time ago it sounds. Read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy".

 

Divorce is very painful. The only thing worse is what you are going through. I personally was never so lonely as when I was married under similar circumstances. Tell her you can't continue this way (you can't - it is very bad for your health and will literally kill you). If she doesn't step up then I highly recommend divorce. It is very hard but you, she, and your family will ultimately be much better for it.

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Confuseddad

Yes I know I would be happier alone. But I’m not a quitter, I’m very stubborn, and I love my family. I don’t love my wife anymore unfortunately. I’ve only realized that over the last couple of weeks. It’s probably only just happened really. I haven’t felt that my wife has tried to reconcile or reconnect.

She has hurt me so deeply over the last few years.

We are in marriage counseling but that hasn’t helped much yet. I finally took my wedding ring off after 20 years. I’m through unless she makes an effort and starts showing some honesty and openness.

My wife hasn’t hasn’t worn her engagement or wedding rings for years. Said she was worried about losing them. I only ever took my ring off when working as I work with machinery and it can be dangerous to wear a ring or jewellery. I have always worn it otherwise.

 

I’m sure she was flirting with a male customer the other day right in front of me. She was wearing a open revealing top and bent over to show a customer a cake and said to him what do you think of this giving him a great view of her cleavage. He said oh now your trying to tempt me. She then looked up at me and smiled.

I thought am I imagining this or reading to much into it? Maybe she doesn’t realize that her top is that revealing? It’s not the first time this has happened. If it wasn’t for the fact that our marriage is on very rocky ground I wouldn’t even think about it.

The trouble is without some closure on the past events I don’t think I can carry on with my marriage, but I don’t think she will ever admit to anything. Maybe if I serve her with divorce papers she might admit to an emotional affair but only if pushed. I can’t imagine that she’ll be happy if pushed to talk and threatened with divorce.

 

Our marriage counselor has asked us to talk about divorce and how it will effect us and the kids. She also has told my wife that the marriage won’t work if she stay in the guest bedroom and is not intimate at all.

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One of the parts of being a bs is having to accept that the affair (cheating) happened, and once one does, not using that as an excuse to explain onels own bad behvaior.

 

 

!8 years ago ( or however many years ago it was that you acted inappropriately) your wife had a chance to air all her feelings. Through he years, she continued to have that chance. Using it now as an excuse for her bad behavior shouldn't wash with you. Either she lets it go once and for all or you both move on separately.

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Confuseddad

Nothing has changed over after being in marriage counselling for 10 weeks. We are no closer together. I feel that the only answer is divorce. I think my wife feels the same but doesn’t want to say it. Wants it all to be my choice.

I have spied on her and know she talks about it with her friends spinning the truth and just plain lying.

She talks about separation with her friends and then when I mention it in counselling she acts shocked and says she never thought about it. There is so much bul**** it’s hard to see any truth. Counselling is more about her painting a picture of how angelic she is. Slight exaggeration but you get my point. I’m trying to be open (we’ll except for eves dropping on her conversations which I know is bad but also the only way for me to find out what she is thinking)

The hardest part and most confusing is that I don’t think either of us are bad people. Maybe our relationship has just become so toxic that it just can’t be fixed.

I spied because I realised she was lying to me and I’m sure having an affair. She definitely had a emotional affair but more recently I’m sure there was more.

Do I have to take the bullit and be the one to fire the divorce gun?

Neither one of us can live like this I think. Certainly not me. I don’t want to live in separate bedrooms like roommates.

I had my first Friday and Saturday nights off from work since January and suggested going out for dinner she found excuses not to for both nights. But then she starts discussing plans for the future? WTF?!

Mixed signals not sure which way to go.

I’m still trying to deal Nd move past my cancer diagnosis 3 years ago and be positive.

I hate the lies and the spying. Although I don’t do that now don’t care really. Can’t sleep well.

Fortunately I still have a sense of humour.

As long as I can see my kids I don’t care if I live in a shed.

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40somethingGuy
Nothing has changed over after being in marriage counselling for 10 weeks. We are no closer together. I feel that the only answer is divorce. I think my wife feels the same but doesn’t want to say it. Wants it all to be my choice.

I have spied on her and know she talks about it with her friends spinning the truth and just plain lying.

She talks about separation with her friends and then when I mention it in counselling she acts shocked and says she never thought about it. There is so much bul**** it’s hard to see any truth. Counselling is more about her painting a picture of how angelic she is. Slight exaggeration but you get my point. I’m trying to be open (we’ll except for eves dropping on her conversations which I know is bad but also the only way for me to find out what she is thinking)

The hardest part and most confusing is that I don’t think either of us are bad people. Maybe our relationship has just become so toxic that it just can’t be fixed.

I spied because I realised she was lying to me and I’m sure having an affair. She definitely had a emotional affair but more recently I’m sure there was more.

Do I have to take the bullit and be the one to fire the divorce gun?

Neither one of us can live like this I think. Certainly not me. I don’t want to live in separate bedrooms like roommates.

I had my first Friday and Saturday nights off from work since January and suggested going out for dinner she found excuses not to for both nights. But then she starts discussing plans for the future? WTF?!

Mixed signals not sure which way to go.

I’m still trying to deal Nd move past my cancer diagnosis 3 years ago and be positive.

I hate the lies and the spying. Although I don’t do that now don’t care really. Can’t sleep well.

Fortunately I still have a sense of humour.

As long as I can see my kids I don’t care if I live in a shed.

 

I find it interesting how marriage therapy is such a 'go to' on here but unless you find the very rare therapist who holds the cheater accountable and is skilled, it usually does more harm. The cheater is looking for justification and often lies or embellishes to make the betrayed the bad guy. Time to take control and save your money since you will need it. File. You may find that is necessary for you to show you are serious and no longer going to live with the deception. She may come around and if not, you know you need to move on. At the very least the status quo doesn't work for you and you can't live like this.

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Residentduchbag
I know we are both tired but that’s no reason for us not to try and smile and be happy at home.

I try to be positive. I never confront her any more. Occasionally in marriage counselling I bring up the points that I’m not happy with but only then. I still try to nice and make her a cup of tea in the morning.

I’m ready to embrace her and our life together if she wants but only if she meets me half way.

I won’t be walked on anymore. I don’t mean that aggressively but in a quiet way. But I won’t just passively by.

If she wants to be with me I need love, intimacy, laughter, empathy, and sex.

It’s been 3 years since we have had sex.

 

Why are you even putting upwith this crap for? I mean no sex for 3 years would be enough bolt.. There are other women out there

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Why does it matter who files for divorce?

 

There are people like your wife who will lie to make themselves look better. Call it re-writing history, or putting their own spin to it, or just plain lying.

 

If you divorce, and not her, what are the bad things that will happen?

 

It strikes to me that your wife stopped loving you at some point in the past. I can speculate, but I don't know why, and I don't know when. But it's been three years at last.

 

You seem a little wordy - not here posting, but the way you describe your "discussions" with your wife. You have secretly recorded her, so you happen to know that she is playing a game with you. From how you post, I imagine you explaining every little point to her, and she feigns not understanding, or making into a misunderstanding, and how she doesn't understand how sleeping in a separate bedroom, not going out to dinner with you, not touching you affectionately, and refusing sex for three years. You tell her "I feel bad you don't touch me" and her saying "I don't avoid you, it just so happens I was tired that day." Every time. Tell me if my assumption is wrong. But if the way I am seeing it is correct, why waste your time?

 

I think your wife loves playing this game with you. She enjoys giving you the business.

 

Have you talked to a lawyer to find out the likely result of a divorce financially and otherwise? Do you think your wife has?

 

Also, from what you post, I guess your wife is lying to her friends, too?

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I'm of the mindset that if one has to hope or install safeguards and surveillance to ensure their spouse doesn't kiss, engage or f another person, then one has to simply and truthfully examine if this is what they signed up for and are willing to live with. One can love their spouse, but love is not enough to keep a marriage healthy and happy.

 

Respect, unselfishness, loyalty. All of these things and more are necessary to maintain a meaningful and happy marriage, not just love by itself. If you had a daughter who loved their husband, but was fearful of her husband's propensity to punch her in the face from time to time, should she remain being with him because of love?

 

The husband says he loves his wife, but can't quite seem to keep his clenched fist to his side when angry. Would you want your daughter to stay in this abusive relationship? Adultery is a form of emotional abuse, so powerful, that it can inflict physical, emotional and mental health problems onto the betrayed. This is not marriage. This is hell. You have choices.

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One f the biggest red flags for a cheating wife is cutting her husband off. Your wife was and about 90% chance she still is. Does she work? They are the hardest affairs to catch. Put a gps on her car. They’re cheap. Try amazon. If she want in an affair, she wouldn’t be lying to her friends either.

 

If you’re just to far gone to do the detective work. Hire a PI. The last alternative is tell her you are going to divorce her if she doesn’t take a polygraph. If she says no that’s the same as admitting she is in an affair. If she says ok, make her take t to stop any bluffing.

 

This is much worse than you suspect.

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Well things have moved on.

To answer a few questions. We haven’t had sex in the last few years first to start because of my treatment for prostate cancer.

The year before it had become almost non existent as had physical and emotional contact.this was enough to ring bells. But then the cancer diagnosis and I was floored mentally for 6 months - 1 year. I wouldn’t say I was in a depression but certainly a little depressed. But I still laughed and joked and had fun with my kids. My wife was not empathetic other than at the start. I focused in keeping healthy losing some weight and eating right. I desperately wanted a bit of Love but barely a hug during my treatment.

I rig swept for a while then went back to work after 6 months medical leave. I worked away at sea. I soon realised that I could no longer do this. And after a year handed my notice in.

Partly to work out my marriage and partly to be at home to be with my kids.

I still loved my wife then.

When I resigned my wife said “ don’t expect sex” big flag there.

A few various suspicious things happened for example a condom in her pocket while I had been out all day. and I did some detective work. I should have just said that’s it no detecting, stop the games.

I’m not perfect.

I could have worked it out and forgiven at any point, it was so obvious. We have been to counselling but I had to force to go really.

She has not really opened up at all during counselling. Even the counsellor said this to me. She barely tried.

Unfortunately she found a. BOx of a GPS tracker I bought but never used.

Our last session was a is this working session and we decided it wasn’t. So looks like the marriage is over. She started to blame me saying it was the tracker but I said no we’ve been struggling for years. Probably 7 or 8 years. I’ve just been away working.

I am totally devastated. But I know this is what has to be done. It will be very difficult, the divorce probably will end up going badly. Already talk of her living in the house and me in a studio apartment.

My days of being easy going are over. I will stay strong I may be hurting but I’m not down and won’t roll over.

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@Chaparrel

GPS trackers are illegal to use where I live unless the driver is away aware if the tracker. I bought one but never used it as I found out they were illegal. Unfortunately my wife found the gps box, I’m not cut out for this spy ****.

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Divorce in a long term marriage is life changing, I won't lie. It's rough. But with everything you've written I truly think that once you're through it you will look back and wonder why you held on for so long.

 

Life will be so much better without all the suspicion and doubt and heavy feelings of dread. You'll be surprised at how great it feels to look forward to the great possibilities ahead.

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A few various suspicious things happened for example a condom in her pocket

 

 

You haven't had sex in years and she's got a condom in her pocket? Don't have a clue how you happened across a condom in her pocket but whatever, it certainly wasn't meant for you.

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