Is the OM ghosting me?

[RoseGold18]

I am here for some help and I know many of you won't feel bad for me or understand, but I am struggling.

 

I've been married 6 years, together for 10. My husband is a good guy. We have a 3 year old son and he is a great father. Problem is he is terrible at intimacy. I consider him to be asexual. He's been that way for our whole relationship. I looked past the red flags because he is a good person and we've built a nice life together.

 

Fast forward to now after having a baby and the overwhelming feeling of my whole life changing I've been feeling lonely. My husband and I never have time away from our son and when we do either one of us is exhausted. With all the hormonal changes and body changes etc I feel old and unattractive. It doesn't help that we've gone a whole year before without having sex or any intimacy whatsoever.

 

Most of our fights are about this one issue and nothing ever changes. We've even tried couples counseling. The problem that I have with my husband is that he has never made me orgasm and he doesn't know what I like. Even after being together for 10 years he doesn't know what to do.

 

I love him but I question if I am in love with him. Our lack of intimacy I feel like has pushed me away, something I told him I feared would happen. We basically live like roommates. I grew up in a divorced household and don't want to do that to my son. Plus we financially provide for him very well and I don't want to ruin his future and struggle financially.

 

About a month ago I decided to go on Ashley Madison and have an affair. I figured it would make me feel better because I feel like my life is mundane and I want to enjoy sex like a normal 35 year old.

 

I of course got 100's of messages from married men within a day. I responded to a few but one worked with my schedule. We arranged to meet for lunch. Right before I tried to cancel because I felt awful and I told him I didn't want to waste his time because this is my first time having an affair and I wasn't sure if I could go through with it.

 

He told me it was just lunch and he was still willing to meet me, no pressure. I agreed. I liked him right away. I thought he was attractive, definitely my type, and we had a ton in common for being complete strangers. It went well and he emailed me right after saying he hopes he sees me again.

 

A week later we met for coffee. Walked around and had casual conversation. I told him I was interested. His story is that him and his wife have an open marriage because they have different styles in bed and that they haven't had sex in 4 years. I asked him why they are still married (no children) he said because they're good friends and can't divorce for immigration purposes because she is not American.

 

He told me even though they have an open relationship that they don't bring it home. He conveniently has an apartment right by my work. He told me he "dated" someone for a year but she moved so the relationship ended. I thought great, this sounds too good to be true.

 

We decided to get together the week after. I met him at his apartment. I was nervous of course. I'm sure I didn't act like myself because if I got caught my husband would leave me (rightfully so).

 

We started making out. Me on top. Then he takes me to his bed and we basically did everything except for sex. We both orgasmed. I thought it was freaking amazing. It was the most pleasure I've had in 10 years.

 

Then, he never emails me after that. I email him but i could tell he was different and blowing me off. We decided to meet up again but then he cancelled the night before.

 

Then he emails me this week with an elaborate lie about how he lost his current gig and he needed to get rid of his apartment in order to conserve funds. He said if I could come up with a creative way for us to still see each other since hotel rooms add up quickly.

 

I basically wrote back and said sorry for your circumstance. That I shouldn't be doing this anyway. I wished him good luck and told him to take care. He responded with you too.

 

I feel worse now than I did before. Here is this guy that I am offering a no strings attached sex to. A guy that I told how my marriage is and opened up about it. And now he doesn't want anything to do with me. I've been rejected when I thought everyone we did was great. I feel so hurt.

 

I know it's for the best because i need to focus on my marriage but I feel so depressed over this.

 

I wish he would've just told me what I did wrong instead of come up with some ridiculous lie. Even if he has to move he would still have the apartment for a while longer. People don't move over night. His lie is pathetic.

 

I feel so unwanted and unloved.

Edited June 27, 2018 by RoseGold18

[BaileyB]

The first thing that I would like to say is, I'm sorry that you are feeling unwanted and unloved. You must have been in a desperately lonely place to have done this.

 

That said, what you did was not acceptable. I think you know that. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you want to be with a man who will give you the love and affection that you desire, you need to divorce your husband. As hard as it is, that is your best decision.

 

You are not wrong to want to be with a man who will show you love and affection. It is wrong to attempt to seek this outside of you your marriage. It's unkind to your husband and your son. And, had this progressed further, you would have learned that it was an unkind thing to do to your own health and wellbeing. Perhaps, you need not think of this as a rejection. Rather, he listened to his better judgment and saved you a world of hurt.

 

Get some individual counselling. Consider divorce. You are young. It is very possible for you to find someone who will give you the love and affection that you want. It's better for your child to have a happy and healthy mother, than to live in a home where his parents are unhappy and staying only because they think it's the best thing to do.

 

You deserve to find love and happiness. Best wishes.

[RoseGold18]

The first thing that I would like to say is, I'm sorry that you are feeling unwanted and unloved. You must have been in a desperately lonely place to have done this.

 

That said, what you did was not acceptable. I think you know that. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you want to be with a man who will give you the love and affection that you desire, you need to divorce your husband. As hard as it is, that is your best decision.

 

You are not wrong to want to be with a man who will show you love and affection. It is wrong to attempt to seek this outside of you your marriage. It's unkind to your husband and your son. And, had this progressed further, you would have learned that it was an unkind thing to do to your own health and wellbeing. Perhaps, you need not think of this as a rejection. Rather, he listened to his better judgment and saved you a world of hurt.

 

Get some individual counselling. Consider divorce. You are young. It is very possible for you to find someone who will give you the love and affection that you want. It's better for your child to have a happy and healthy mother, than to live in a home where his parents are unhappy and staying only because they think it's the best thing to do.

 

You deserve to find love and happiness. Best wishes.

 

I appreciate the polite response and I know you're right. But I keep wondering what the heck I did wrong?!? I am just so hurt and shocked. I know the affair has to end eventually but after one time?!? I didn't expect that.

 

It's not that I refused him sex either. He never tried.

[BaileyB]

I appreciate the polite response and I know you're right. But I keep wondering what the heck I did wrong?!? I am just so hurt and shocked. I know the affair has to end eventually but after one time?!? I didn't expect that.

 

Be glad. That is your ego talking. Don't listen. You have an opportunity to perhaps salvage your integrity and do the right thing by your husband. If you chose to do so...

 

The thing that jumped out to me in your post was your comment that this was your "first time having an affair." Are you planning to continue with this endeavour? If that is the case, there is no excuse for someone who would willingly make a decision that would be hurtful of her husband and put her child's family life at risk. You may feel rejected by your husband and desperately lonely, but that is not justification to go on a website searching for an affair partner. If you want to be free to date, you need to divorce your husband. Married people don't date and have sex with other men, single people do.

[Colin Grant]

I am offering a no strings attached sex

You may want to look into what happened to you that allowed you to cheapen yourself and risk losing your husband and your family. I mean no disrespect saying this, but even whores charge. You certainly are worth more than you think, but apparently are seeking some form of validation to prove it. Commit to you and your family and then your husband. If unable to do so, confess to your husband and offer divorce so that he can be loved as he probably loves you.

 

By the way, I've been married for 25 years. Do not be fooled by this fantasy, mystical thing about being in love all the time. Over time, you will fall out of love with your spouse and back in love many times. It's called marriage. It's a beautiful thing if you can manage expectations and the expectation of always being in love is an unreasonable one. Loving someone who has been there on your worst days, when you're not at your best and accepts you as you are is what marriage is all about.

 

Don't confuse new relationship energy with being meaningful. Ever buy a new car. There's nothing like those first few drives. In 6 months or so though, you become accustomed to it and the superficial and short term excitement from it's newness has been worn off. Worse yet, there's a new, higher monthly payment. Sometimes you look back and realize, the older car had some issues, but not worthy of a higher payment.

 

By the way, the guy who left you received a dose of morality and did the right thing. It's not you, it's him. He made the decision for him and his wife and family. He's thinking about more than just himself and realized what he needed to do about it. You too should do this. It's more than just about you. Do you want your daughter or son look you in the eye and thinking to yourself he or she are looking at a mother who didn't think enough about them to remain faithful. If ANYTHING do it for them, if you're not doing it for your husband. At least your kids. At least!

Edited June 27, 2018 by Colin Grant

[RoseGold18]

I am offering a no strings attached sex

You may want to look into what happened to you that allowed you to cheapen yourself and risk losing your husband and your family. I mean no disrespect saying this, but even whores charge. You certainly are worth more than you think, but apparently are seeking some form of validation to prove it. Commit to you and your family and then your husband. If unable to do so, confess to your husband and offer divorce so that he can be loved as he probably loves you.

 

By the way, I've been married for 25 years. Do not be fooled by this fantasy, mystical thing about being in love all the time. Over time, you will fall out of love with your spouse and back in love many times. It's called marriage. It's a beautiful thing if you can manage expectations and the expectation of always being in love is an unreasonable one. Loving someone who has been there on your worst days, when you're not at your best and accepts you as you are is what marriage is all about.

 

Don't confuse new relationship energy with being meaningful. Ever buy a new car. There's nothing like those first few drives. In 6 months or so though, you become accustomed to it and the superficial and short term excitement from it's newness has been worn off. Worse yet, there's a new, higher monthly payment. Sometimes you look back and realize, the older car had some issues, but not worthy of a higher payment.

 

By the way, the guy who left you received a dose of morality and did the right thing. It's not you, it's him. He made the decision for him and his wife and family. He's thinking about more than just himself and realized what he needed to do about it. You too should do this. It's more than just about you. Do you want your daughter or son look you in the eye and thinking to yourself he or she are looking at a mother who didn't think enough about them to remain faithful. If ANYTHING do it for them, if you're not doing it for your husband. At least your kids. At least!

 

Your response made me cry.

 

I do feel terrible. I feel terrible about everything. I feel like I betrayed my husband who is one of the kindest persons I know. I've betrayed my son who I love more than anything in this world.

 

I am worth more than a no strings attached relationship but I just want to feel wanted and I want passion.

 

I would like to believe that the guy that cut things off with me got a conscious and decided to stop having affairs but I don't think that's the case. Maybe I didn't perform in a way he liked. I have no idea.

 

I have been crying most of the night. I have already deleted the email account that we used to communicate so if he does ever decide to email me it will be returned as a failed delivery. Plus it prevents me from checking it and then getting sad when he doesn't message me.

 

How can a guy that I met one month ago have so much affect on me?!?

 

Problem is I knew small details about him since we actually grew up in the same town. I found his full name even though we only know each other by first name basis.

 

I found him on Facebook and yeah my brother and him have like 30 mutual friends to make it even worse. I'm so tempted to message him on Facebook and just ask him why but I don't want to come off as a psycho. I promise I'm not but I have never been rejected like this before.

 

Do you think messaging him is a bad idea? I just thought it might give me some closure.

Edited June 27, 2018 by RoseGold18

[BaileyB]

OMG - messaging him is the absolute worst idea!! You have friends in common - if your husband learns what you have done you could potentially lose everything - your husband, your financial security, full custody of your child, not to mention your self worth. Please, don’t do it.

 

Is restoring your ego really worth potentially losing everything that you value in your life including the ability to make decisions about your marriage and control your own destiny?

 

My friend, keep your dignity and let it go. The only reason why you want to get closure is because your ego has been bruised and you want validation. You are so starved for affection that you are willing to place your value as a human being in the hands of a man who you met for an hour over lunch! Why does his opinion matter more than your own, or your husband, or your son? These are the people who matter in your life - not this man.

 

If you do anything, contact a Counsellor. You are lost and you need help!

Edited June 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[RoseGold18]

I am offering a no strings attached sex

You may want to look into what happened to you that allowed you to cheapen yourself and risk losing your husband and your family. I mean no disrespect saying this, but even whores charge. You certainly are worth more than you think, but apparently are seeking some form of validation to prove it. Commit to you and your family and then your husband. If unable to do so, confess to your husband and offer divorce so that he can be loved as he probably loves you.

 

By the way, I've been married for 25 years. Do not be fooled by this fantasy, mystical thing about being in love all the time. Over time, you will fall out of love with your spouse and back in love many times. It's called marriage. It's a beautiful thing if you can manage expectations and the expectation of always being in love is an unreasonable one. Loving someone who has been there on your worst days, when you're not at your best and accepts you as you are is what marriage is all about.

 

Don't confuse new relationship energy with being meaningful. Ever buy a new car. There's nothing like those first few drives. In 6 months or so though, you become accustomed to it and the superficial and short term excitement from it's newness has been worn off. Worse yet, there's a new, higher monthly payment. Sometimes you look back and realize, the older car had some issues, but not worthy of a higher payment.

 

By the way, the guy who left you received a dose of morality and did the right thing. It's not you, it's him. He made the decision for him and his wife and family. He's thinking about more than just himself and realized what he needed to do about it. You too should do this. It's more than just about you. Do you want your daughter or son look you in the eye and thinking to yourself he or she are looking at a mother who didn't think enough about them to remain faithful. If ANYTHING do it for them, if you're not doing it for your husband. At least your kids. At least!

 

Sorry I'm a mess right now and all over the place. I just wanted to say I love your new car analogy. I know you're right and it's for the best that I can now focus on my marriage and family.

 

I just wish it was under my terms and not by rejection. I never expected or even have a fantasy of us falling in love and running off together. I just wanted to feel good before I get to the age where I no longer care about sex.

 

I feel like I'm going through a midlife crisis.

[RoseGold18]

OMG - messaging him is the absolute worst idea!! You have friends in common - if your husband learns what you have done you could potentially lose everything - your husband, your financial security, full custody of your child, not to mention your self worth. Please, don’t do it.

 

Is restoring your ego really worth potentially losing everything that you value in your life including the ability to make decisions about your marriage and control your own destiny?

 

My friend, keep your dignity and let it go. The only reason why you want to get closure is because your ego has been bruised and you want validation. You are so starved for affection that you are willing to place your value as a human being in the hands of a man who you met for an hour over lunch! Why does his opinion matter more than your own, or your husband, or your son? These are the people who matter in your life - not this man.

 

If you do anything, contact a Counsellor. You are lost and you need help!

 

Thank you for talking me out of it. I know it's a bad idea and I feel like I ended things in a mature way even though I know he is lying.

 

I am making an appointment for therapy tomorrow. I haven't been this depressed in over 15 years. I almost told my husband tonight what I did but I can't because that would destroy him and he would leave me. He wouldn't understand because he has no need for intimacy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I almost told my husband tonight what I did but I can't because that would destroy him and he would leave me.

 

I can't help but wonder if, on some level, this is what you really want? Too scared to end the marriage yourself, you're acting out in outrageous ways (c'mon, Ashley Madison ?) subconsciously hoping to get caught. Because then, obviously, the decision would be made for you.

 

I hope therapy provides you with some clarity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RoseGold18]

I can't help but wonder if, on some level, this is what you really want? Too scared to end the marriage yourself, you're acting out in outrageous ways (c'mon, Ashley Madison ?) subconsciously hoping to get caught. Because then, obviously, the decision would be made for you.

 

I hope therapy provides you with some clarity...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, not at all. I signed up using a new email account and as a woman the site is free so it's not tied into my name. If there is another breech my information is all fake.

 

The pictures can be blurred unless you give someone access. Now that I'm no longer looking the pictures are down. I would delete the account but I have to log into an actual computer to do it and I don't have access to one. This was all done through my phone.

 

It's sad how easy it really is to have an affair and completely get away with it. It could've lasted years if this guy was still interested. I met him while I was "at work". It was the perfect set up.

 

But the way I'm feeling now, I wish I could take it all back. It really is so unlike me.

[Colin Grant]

Your response made me cry.

 

I do feel terrible. I feel terrible about everything. I feel like I betrayed my husband who is one of the kindest persons I know. I've betrayed my son who I love more than anything in this world.

 

This response by itself gives you more hope than you think. If you were hopeless, you wouldn't have a sad response, or as you say, be "all over the place". I've seen way worse and you can still make this right. You want a lot, but take one step at a time. First, love and respect yourself first. Sounds trivial, but it's so important.If you love and respect yourself, you will not allow the validation and temptation of others to enter into your relationship with your husband. Right now, I'm not sure you like yourself enough, so the need is to allow others to define or make you feel good. You have to make you feel good. Not even your husband. You.

 

Second, love and respect your husband and family. Nothing should come between you and your family. Nothing. Ever. They fall under God and way above everything else. Remember, he can't compete with the Ashley Madison guy. He's new energy. He's excitement. He (or any other new guy, offers you thoughts during the day as to what you will do with them at night. Somehow, find the passion for living a infidelity free life and allow that to be your passion, along with everything sexual and romantic for your husband.

 

New energy passion is untouchable. Most husbands and wives will never obtain what was at the beginning of their relationship. BUT, that doesn't mean it's not better. Obtain ASAP independent counseling so that you can find what's up BEFORE irreparable damage is done. It an get ugly. You can fall in love, you can get an STD, you can get pregnant and you can get divorced. Infidelity has wide ranging, permanent consequences and the collateral damage is wide and generational.

 

Lastly. I believe in you and I think you can make this work, but real reconciliation and recommitting means you may will have to inform him of what's happening with you.

[GoldenR]

Jesus Christ, the coddling on this thread...

 

You want to know what you did wrong? You ****ed someone other than your husband, that's what you did wrong.

 

You want to know what happened with your boyfriend? You got this guy off, and that's all he wanted. He didn't care how it happened, he just wanted to get off. Now he moves to his next conquest. You are nothing more to him than one of hundreds of notches in his belt.

 

At this point in your life, you'll have to live knowing that you're not a good wife or a good mother. At least not until you come clean to your H and make amends by showing true remorse. Until then, your H is living a lie. He needs to be able to choose if he wants to be with you. Are you going to deny him that as well? Deny him the power to choose if he wants to stay with a cheating wife?

[RoseGold18]

Jesus Christ, the coddling on this thread...

 

You want to know what you did wrong? You ****ed someone other than your husband, that's what you did wrong.

 

You want to know what happened with your boyfriend? You got this guy off, and that's all he wanted. He didn't care how it happened, he just wanted to get off. Now he moves to his next conquest. You are nothing more to him than one of hundreds of notches in his belt.

 

At this point in your life, you'll have to live knowing that you're not a good wife or a good mother. At least not until you come clean to your H and make amends by showing true remorse. Until then, your H is living a lie. He needs to be able to choose if he wants to be with you. Are you going to deny him that as well? Deny him the power to choose if he wants to stay with a cheating wife?

 

I don't disagree with this post. You're right. Believe me it's so unlike me. I have never cheated on anyone before. It really was my first time. I never understood cheating before and used to think people that cheated were awful people. But let me tell you I'm not awful. I am human. Try not judging until you've been in my shoes.

 

We also support my disabled mother. What? Am I supposed to leave my husband and tell my mom she can't eat or get her medications anymore which would literally make her die. I'm not using my husband financially. We both make good money. But we live in one of the most expensive states.

 

I need help.

 

But just to clarify your post. We didn't have sex. If what you're saying is true about him moving on because he just wanted to get off then that actually makes me feel better. I just assumed that he would at least want to get together again to eventually have actual sex and I assumed that the arrangement would last longer if he liked it enough. Especially if what he said is true about his wife and him not having sex.

[stillafool]

That guy didn't get rid of his apartment he just wanted to pump and dump you then on to the next choice on Ashley Madison. If you could have come up with another place to have sex that would feed his fantasy he would have sexed you again but that was that. You say you and your husband can't find time to spend together but you have time to go to some man's secret apartment to have sex. Why couldn't you use that time to reconnect with your husband? I think you are a somewhat cake eater because you want sex on the side and the security of your husband's paycheck as well. You will not find happiness carrying on this way.

[GoldenR]

We also support my disabled mother. What? Am I supposed to leave my husband and tell my mom she can't eat or get her medications anymore which would literally make her die. I'm not using my husband financially. We both make good money. But we live in one of the most expensive states.

 

And NOW this is important to you? If you cared so much for your mother, you wouldn't have put yourself in this position to begin with. Her well being meant nothing to you the whole time you were planning your fun with your OM. But now that you had your fun, her medical treatment matters?

 

I got it....ask your boyfriend to support her. I mean, after all, he was worth jeopardizing her life, right? He has to be a great guy, right? Tell him you'll both be moving in with him.

 

The word is called consequences. And if you have to move to keep her taken care of, then you have to move. You can't use your mom as a reason to make your husband not have a choice in being married to a cheater or not. She played no factor in you cheating. It's too late to use her as a reason to lie to your H.

[carhill]

It's always tough when the lifestyle is good, the husband is good even if not meeting intimacy or sexual needs/desires, there's a kid in the mix and the fear or the unknown is strong.

 

The longer the status quo continues, the longer and harder any change will be.

 

If you and your H can't find a mutually agreeable middle ground on intimacy and you're sufficiently inured to the lifestyle to not dispose of it, learn to read males better and find safe ones to get attention/intimacy from in a mutually agreed upon arrangement with your H. In order for this to work you'll need to let go of the 'guy stopped contacting me' part. Compartmentalize. Men are interchangeable. No expectations. Enjoy the moment.

 

 

Reading the last line of your OP I can offer one tip. If you focus less on yourself and more on gaining value, satisfaction and self-esteem from loving over feeling unwanted or unloved, things will improve for you. You've seen with your husband how you have no control over how others treat you. You have control over how you treat others. I know it's tough. Women are receivers. Frankly I kind of envy you. Still, try to get out of the 'me, me' thing and focus more outside yourself.

[stillafool]

I appreciate the polite response and I know you're right. But I keep wondering what the heck I did wrong?!? I am just so hurt and shocked. I know the affair has to end eventually but after one time?!? I didn't expect that.

 

It's not that I refused him sex either. He never tried.

 

To be honest with you this wasn't even an affair. It was a hook up to get off.

[Adotta]

Have you looked into testosterone treatment for your husband? He could have hormone issues. He probably wpuldnt even notice. Or he wouldn't want to admit. Look into it. 1 year without sex? That sounds odd. I can't go a week or 2 without craving sex like it's hard drugs.

 

AND did you REALLY try TEACHING your husband what you like in bed? I know the idea of a man who knows everything in bed is a turn on, but that knowledge doesn't come from no where. It has to be tuaght to us. I was complete dog crap at sex until I had a few honest sessions of "training". I was like a race car instead of a love machine. I didn't know how to push buttons or find the g spot. It took a good month or two of near contant practice and cooperation to get "good" at it. I even did research on the subject. For some people sex just clicks. For others it needs some nudging. If your husband was inexperienced before you he needs some lessons. O know that isn't exactly a sexy thought, having to teach your husband, but if he is smart he will listen and you will get what you want. And even if you don't it only helps him

 

Your really just looking for good sex. If you could get it with hubby it would fix your problems. Unless hubby has a 3 incher or ed or he is a quick shot, you should be fine with what he has. Even then he always has fingers. There ia no acceptavke reason he cant make you come. Look into sexual counciling if you must, but cheating will not help. It will destroy your husband and family.

 

Stop making excuses for your bad home sex life. Roll up your sleeves and get to the bottom of it. Show some respect to your husband while you're at it. It takes maturity to get past an issue like this and you can't just hope your husband suddenly "gets it".

 

I recommend telling him about your cheating as well. It's a stab in the back to keep it to yourself and the excuse of your mother's health is pathetic. Your husband is not an atm. He isn't a bank account. He is a man who loves you.

Edited June 27, 2018 by Adotta

[BluesPower]

OK, lets organize this... OP you are mixing several issues.

 

First the affair, yeah, wrong, understandable, but totally wrong. Everyone with bash you, which some of it you deserve, but that is not the issue.

 

So the guy that you met up with... he is a player, god only know why you guys did not go all the way. I mean you are there, why not make the best of it. Did you expect to find a perfect lover your first time out, it does not work that way. For what ever reason, he is not that into you. It happens and it probably has nothing to do with you.

 

Was it him or you, and if it was you, what are you saving up for??? You are already there having an affair, I don't get it.

 

Second, your husbands sexual issues. Now, everyone will tell you to work with him on it, try to get him to meet your needs yada, yada....

 

That won't work, He is either asexual, closet gay, or just incredibly, horrible are sex, none of which you can fix.

 

While I don't understand how some people cannot figure out what sex is about, or don't want it, I do understand that it happens.

 

If he has not figured it out yet, he never will. Understand that.

 

Third, your marriage to your husband. You are 35, in your sexual prime, and you are not even having decent sex in a marriage.

 

Time to get out, time to be happy. All of the roadblocks the you are throwing up are just fear talking. At this point you have two maybe three choices....

 

1) Be brave and divorce. Your lifestyle may change some, but you and your child well be fine. Is money worth being miserable for the rest of your life? ( Hint: No it is not)

 

2) Be miserable the rest of your life.

 

3) Continue having an affairs, risk getting caught, and be more sexually satisfied, but also more miserable in other ways.

 

4) Ask for an open marriage, which a sexually insecure and inept husband may not go along with. Plus the fact that you really want a loving relationship complete with at least decent frequent sex.

 

Those are your options, what do you want to do?

[RoseGold18]

OK, lets organize this... OP you are mixing several issues.

 

First the affair, yeah, wrong, understandable, but totally wrong. Everyone with bash you, which some of it you deserve, but that is not the issue.

 

So the guy that you met up with... he is a player, god only know why you guys did not go all the way. I mean you are there, why not make the best of it. Did you expect to find a perfect lover your first time out, it does not work that way. For what ever reason, he is not that into you. It happens and it probably has nothing to do with you.

 

Was it him or you, and if it was you, what are you saving up for??? You are already there having an affair, I don't get it.

 

Second, your husbands sexual issues. Now, everyone will tell you to work with him on it, try to get him to meet your needs yada, yada....

 

That won't work, He is either asexual, closet gay, or just incredibly, horrible are sex, none of which you can fix.

 

While I don't understand how some people cannot figure out what sex is about, or don't want it, I do understand that it happens.

 

If he has not figured it out yet, he never will. Understand that.

 

Third, your marriage to your husband. You are 35, in your sexual prime, and you are not even having decent sex in a marriage.

 

Time to get out, time to be happy. All of the roadblocks the you are throwing up are just fear talking. At this point you have two maybe three choices....

 

1) Be brave and divorce. Your lifestyle may change some, but you and your child well be fine. Is money worth being miserable for the rest of your life? ( Hint: No it is not)

 

2) Be miserable the rest of your life.

 

3) Continue having an affairs, risk getting caught, and be more sexually satisfied, but also more miserable in other ways.

 

4) Ask for an open marriage, which a sexually insecure and inept husband may not go along with. Plus the fact that you really want a loving relationship complete with at least decent frequent sex.

 

Those are your options, what do you want to do?

 

I have asked for an open marriage multiple times. He has agreed before but then eventually changes his mind.

 

I realize I probably need to leave, I'm just scared. Really scared.

 

Not sure why the other guy didn't want to go all the way. He was going down on me and fingering me so good almost like he could read my mind and he was a sex god. I was moaning like crazy the whole time. Probably orgasmed 5 times. It went on for like 20-30 minutes. Then I went down on hm and he came within 3-5 minutes.

 

That was it.

 

Agreed...not an affair. A hook up. Still cheating.

[stillafool]

I have asked for an open marriage multiple times. He has agreed before but then eventually changes his mind.

 

I realize I probably need to leave, I'm just scared. Really scared.

 

Not sure why the other guy didn't want to go all the way. He was going down on me and fingering me so good almost like he could read my mind and he was a sex god. I was moaning like crazy the whole time. Probably orgasmed 5 times. It went on for like 20-30 minutes. Then I went down on hm and he came within 3-5 minutes.

 

That was it.

 

Agreed...not an affair. A hook up. Still cheating.

 

 

The reason he didn't want to have intercourse is because he got off when you gave him head. That was his goal - to get off. You're still more worried about why this guy isn't doing this or that than about the state of your marriage and cheating on your husband. This guy is gone.

Edited June 27, 2018 by stillafool

[BluesPower]

I have asked for an open marriage multiple times. He has agreed before but then eventually changes his mind.

 

I realize I probably need to leave, I'm just scared. Really scared.

 

Not sure why the other guy didn't want to go all the way. He was going down on me and fingering me so good almost like he could read my mind and he was a sex god. I was moaning like crazy the whole time. Probably orgasmed 5 times. It went on for like 20-30 minutes. Then I went down on hm and he came within 3-5 minutes.

 

That was it.

 

Agreed...not an affair. A hook up. Still cheating.

 

I under stand... Now understand this...

 

Your guy could not go again, he is probably like some guys, especially if older that can't go multiple times a night.

 

3 to 5 mins is a little weak on that oral side, but he may really like oral, and/or you may get really good at it.

 

The things he did to you, are standard, plus you have been doing without for so long, that was going to happen.

 

But listen, you need to understand that the fear you have is unwarranted, and I actually am begging you to not be one of these women, or men for that matter, that live in a sexless marriage.

 

If your husband is not even man enough to realize that he is terrible at sex and make a change, or that he is asexual, and he should allow an open marriage, then sorry, game over.

 

Anyway, what you don't understand is that you can have both. Love and security and hot sex.

 

I know that you are scared, I counseled a young woman the other night about the exact same thing. See if this is you (and mind you, this woman was a stunner, if I was not in a relationship I would have banged her that night and she would be my new GF, but I love the one that I have so that is a no go)

 

1) worried about being alone.

2) worried that no one would want her.

3) worried about the kids (and they were out of the house for the most part)

4) afraid to tell her husband that she never really loved him

5) worried about losing her lifestyle

6) afraid to toll her husband that he was horrible at sex

 

Does that list about sum it up? Everyone of those issues will work out.

 

Listen, you are in the prime of life, and you are wasting it. You only get one life, make it the best you can...

[RoseGold18]

The reason he didn't want to have intercourse is because he got off when you gave him head. That was his goal - to get off. You're still more worried about why this guy isn't doing this or that than about the state of your marriage and cheating on your husband. This guy is gone.

 

I am hurt and worried about all of it. This other guys rejection just makes me feel worse. Like I'm even more unwanted.

 

Like I said before I know I should leave. I am young and shouldn't live my life so unhappy. My husband is unhappy too. I'm just so scared of the what ifs and I know if I divorced I would be very depressed.

 

It's not an excuse but my parents were addicts growing up and we were poor. Really poor. I struggled for so long putting myself through college. Working my ass off trying to get out of proverty. Real proverty.

 

Because of my persistence my husband and I are well off. My son has a nice college fund that would have to end if we spilt. I know this in itself is not a reason for me to stay. I get it. I know.

 

But I am scared. And my husband is such a good guy. He really is. I know I'll never find someone like him who is so kind and giving. And he is the best father. I am at a loss. I really can't stop crying at what a mess I feel like I have made my life.

 

I know I'm wasting my life away.

[aliveagain]

[]

 

Stop saying you didn't have sex, you did, you had sex with another man so stop with the minimizing. Bringing other people into an already troubled marriage doesn't make the marriage better, it makes the marriage worse. You both need independent counselling, find out why sex isn't happening. If you can't find a way to get intimacy back, divorce because you both deserve to be happy. You will have to confess your infidelity, a secret that big is a marriage buster. I suggest you tell him the truth in the presence of your counselor so they can help with the aftermath. You can't undo what you have done but you can work on what is broken that got you into that position. Too many people are affected by the failure of your marriage, you both need to get real serious about fixing the problems like now.

Edited June 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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