naustblar13 Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 (edited) I find myself in the same situation that plenty have been in. (I guess, or do I?) Backstory. Mine and my husbands relationship has always not been easy. We have gotten along well...until it comes to finances. It's a clashing point, he will not disclose his finances to me, I could honestly not even garner an estimate to his wage. He is very secretive, and over the years this has just worn me down. I have begged, pleaded, everything you can think of for financial honesty, and just get nothing in response. We haev 3 children together. That aside, new situation. Husband had randomly started wearing new (and clean) clothes, and stated he was going to meet friends for drinks. I'm not an nasty person, so I'm like "sure! just let me know whats going on, what time to expect you in" etc. He never did, and my gut told me to start worrying, but my chronic anxiety also said I was making something out of nothing. Anyway, I found out via a completely innocuous facebook post, that he had been at another womans house this entire time (it has been months). I confronted him, and got "yes we are just friends, I need someone to talk to , because I'm going through a lot right now". But now it is at a point where not only is he still seeing her, hes seeing her EVERY NIGHT. not coming home until the early hours, comes home for a coffee then back he goes (or to work? I cant even be sure). He is angry at ME because I begged him to tell me why he needed to visit her so often. I'm not talking 1or 2 times a week, it is 5 nights out of 6 so far, and the only reason he didn't go on that other night is because I took myself to hospital thinking I was having heart problems (chronic stress and anxiety it turns out). He still wanted to go to her house once I got home, this was at midnite. Last night, he told me he was picking up groceries, and at 4am he still wasn't home. He admits to being there these times, but wont tell me why , he's not sorry. He feels bad that I am angry but not enough to stop it seems. Not only has he reacted badly to my confrontation, he is going there more often!! I am at my wits end. My mental health is already poor, I can't handle the mixed messages, emotions I am getting. He will not admit to anything physical, one minute he says he feels guilt then the next he is mad at me for "not letting him see his friend". He says he wants to be here with his family, but his actions show otherwise. He then says he doesn't know what he wants. I should add its not an option financially to leave for me. He's free to go if he wants but he just continues to "live" here while seeing her. Can someone please just tell me what I can say? Or do? I don't have anyone to talk to. Am I an absolute idiot for believing he wanted to stay here? I feel so desperate and hurt. I suggest setting a date for a trial separation and he says no. I suggest counselling but he wont go. Edited July 16, 2018 by naustblar13 forgot to add Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 You need to see an attorney. Go tomorrow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 It boggles my mind how you could marry and have 3 kids with someone who won't even tell you how much he earns. If he is hiding this basic information from someone he promised to share his life with, then what else is he hiding? That is water under the bridge now, I suppose, but a lesson for next time - do not ignore red flags! There is nothing to save here. He's quite obviously not marriage material in the slightest. He is blatantly having an affair right under your nose, and has been for months. You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author naustblar13 Posted July 16, 2018 Author Share Posted July 16, 2018 I came for support, not further judgement. Yes it has 10000 per cent crossed my mind about how stupid I feel about not reading into the warning signs and marrying someone like this. At the start it was just "I don't want you to worry about the finances, I will look after it". I didn't go into this marriage fully knowing this was how it was going to be Please I'm begging for kindness im well aware I made a crappy choice Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 Sorry no judgement intended. Just answering the questions you asked at the bottom of your post. He's made it quite clear that he has no interest in saving the marriage. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 How do you know that financially it's not an option to leave him? You'll be entitled to support from him. Go and see a lawyer. Get some advice on how to leave. He's treating you this way because 1) he's selfish and 2) you're not doing anything to stop him. File for divorce. Once he knows you're serious about wanting him to stop the affair, maybe he will, who knows but I wouldn't count on it. I'm really sorry you're going through this!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 Its time to find a really good lawyer. What you have now is not a marriage. Your husband is absent, he has left the marriage without leaving the home. He doesn't want to go to counselling or come come at night - you file for divorce. You don't need his agreement, you just send him the papers... You are entitled to child support, and probably spousal support. Half of the assets he has earned during your marriage belong to you. File for divorce... And you will finally learn what he earns and how much he has in the bank account! Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 To answer your question that your husband won't - yes he is having an affair and it sounds like he's in love with this woman. He is now only with you for the kids. You need to see an attorney pronto. This is not going to get any better. You have to protect yourself, secure finances and make a plan. Get your husband's ss# and date of birth. You attorney will find out how much money he has. Your attorney will make sure he pays child and spousal support so you won't be broke. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 I suggest setting a date for a trial separation and he says no. I suggest counselling but he wont go. BTW, you don't need his approval for the above. Leave him or kick him out of the house and seek a therapist for your own mental help. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 He is now only with you for the kids. And the money. For a guy who has held the purse strings during your marriage, refused to even tell you how much he makes or what is in the bank, he is not going to like having to divide assets, buy you out of the house, or pay you child support. It is much cheaper for him, he maintains complete control of the situation, if he stays in the marriage. Right now, he thinks he can stay in the marriage and do whatever he wants. It's so disrespectful. Don't let him do this to you... I agree. He is most definitely having an affair. Most men are not nearly so bold as to stay out all night, every night, with the other woman. If a husband did this, I would say that many women would not let him in the door when he came home... You need some support OP. I hope you find a good lawyer and a good counsellor, for some individual counselling. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 I came for support, not further judgement. Yes it has 10000 per cent crossed my mind about how stupid I feel about not reading into the warning signs and marrying someone like this. At the start it was just "I don't want you to worry about the finances, I will look after it". I didn't go into this marriage fully knowing this was how it was going to be Please I'm begging for kindness im well aware I made a crappy choice Simmer down now... take a breath. The reason that some here will tell you that stuff is that so many, so, so many, men and women that here looking for help, are in such a deep state of denial that we have to bang them in their head to wake them up. So you are not in that category, OK. So you know that you made some serious mistakes. You know that he has been cheating on you your whole marriage for the most part. As for the financial stuff, that is your biggest problem, and now you know that you NEVER allow yourself to get into this situation. Now, he is not in the mob I hope, because that is a whole other conversation. And you also understand that there is not hope of a happy marriage with a man like this, right. You need to hire an attorney and that attorney needs to use a forensic accountant to find out where/what he has done with your money. You understand that you cannot save this marriage, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 You need to hire an attorney and that attorney needs to use a forensic accountant to find out where/what he has done with your money. naustblar13, hope you read this part twice - with emphasis on "your money". Unless you live somewhere other than the Western world, half of all the marital assets are yours. And your husband will have ongoing responsibilities for spousal and child support. Knowledge is power. Get a lawyer and the info you need to make informed and intelligent decisions. Your family's future depends on it... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 naustblar13, hope you read this part twice - with emphasis on "your money". Unless you live somewhere other than the Western world, half of all the marital assets are yours. And your husband will have ongoing responsibilities for spousal and child support. Knowledge is power. Get a lawyer and the info you need to make informed and intelligent decisions. Your family's future depends on it... Mr. Lucky I think the problem is that OP does not have any money or even control over the money. I deal with lawyers all the time and unless you find a pro-bono one, you will need about $5K for a retainer. Can someone lend you the money OP? Are their pro-bono divorce lawyers near you? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 If money is an issue, contact the local Bar Association and they can provide you with information on pro bono (free) attorneys to assist you. You can also google "Legal Aide" in your area. You absolutely do need to find out your legal rights as soon as possible. I'm sorry you've been disrespected so badly by your husband. Legal advice and representation will help you regain your footing to move forward and out of this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 You can often get a free consult with an attorney. I had a free consult with an attorney years ago ... Just tell the attorney up front about your situation ... and that you don't have access to the finances ... and the right attorney will help you with the basics. How to find out about the finances ... how to tap some of that husband-controlled money to pay the attorney! Do not assume you are helpless and powerless. You simply need a good attorney to coach you through a start .... A good divorce attorney will even know what types of charities you can tap ... and what type of support groups are out there for people in your position. I just googled and the lawyers are all agreeing that not having access to finances at the start (because husband controls them) is NOT an obstacle to divorce ... the lawyers seem to say they will file for legal fees to be paid out of the husband's money, etc ... Google your exact situation "husband controls finances how do I get a divorce attorney" ... Again, start with the attorney because they know situations like these ... they can help you think about your options--beyond divorce. You seem someone who can think strategic ... And here's the thing: good attorneys are totally nonjudgmental ... you're their client ... They are extremely compassionate towards their clients--that's how they survive! ... You will feel so much better after meeting with a good attorney. Just call ... and ask for a consultation ... tell the receptionist, if needed, that you cannot pay because your husband controls the finances ... and that's one reason you need the consult. And as someone mentioned you can call the local bar association and ask for volunteer attorneys ... but me ... I'd google ... find the best attorneys out there ... and put in a call. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
naustblar132 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Hi All, OP here. I have been trying to resign in with my details, but it is just not working so I've made a new account. Thank you to all so far for your thoughts and legal advice. Many were correct, I am not currently working, and have access to no money , aside from government tax benefits , which all goes towards rent. I'm not in a position with any money saved up at all to afford moving, I have contacted several agencies to help with this and while they are sympathetic, I do not meet the criteria for emergency assistance. So I need to wait it out I'm pretty sensitive right now, so I do apologise if I have come off brash at any point, but it's really hard to pour your heart out expecting support and be told to calm down or end up getting grilled myself. I had no one to talk to and honestly just feel that little bit more stupid. I do genuinely all thank you for your help, aside from legal what-nots, I guess I was also asking for a bit of support emotionally, like how can I regain some control. I am a mess and completely hating myself. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I'm sorry, we are most definitely trying to support you by offering assistance to change your circumstances. I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. Please, don't hate yourself. Hate him - he has taken advantage of you in the worst way and you have done nothing to deserve this. Now, it's a situation where - when you knew better, you did better. Now, you have the opportunity to make another decision, and that is a truly wonderful thing! Do you have anyone who could offer support - a friend, a family member, a priest, a neighbour? Is it possible to go to your doctor and get a referral to a counsellor? You are most welcome to come back here, there are people here who will offer support. But, you must also find some support if you are going to change your life. My best advice, whatever you do - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE! You can ask him to leave, but you should not leave the house. I would strongly advise you to consult a lawyer. They have done this before, they know what to do in situations where women are beholden to men and don't have control of the finances. He will be required to support you and your children. You should be able to stay in your home - when my boyfriend divorced his ex-wife, he bought her out of the house and she got hundreds of thousands of dollars - not including spousal and child support. She actually hasn't worked in the six years post divorce. You will not have to do this on your own. But, you NEED to talk to a lawyer. I wish you well. I hope you are able to gather the strength and support you will need to kick this man out of your life. It will be hard, but you will grow stronger for having done it. Take care and keep posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Many were correct, I am not currently working, and have access to no money , aside from government tax benefits , which all goes towards rent. I'm not in a position with any money saved up at all to afford moving, I have contacted several agencies to help with this and while they are sympathetic, I do not meet the criteria for emergency assistance. You're talking about your circumstances now, not what they could be. naustblar132, what year and model car does your husband drive? How does he dress? Does he travel? In other words, there's probably money there. As has been repeated many times, a (free) conversation with a lawyer would indicate how you can access your share. Time to act... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 You need to stop asking him questions and take control of your own life. He's clearly cheating on you and has no regard for your feelings. The marriage is over, you need to go into divorce mode and protect yourself accordingly. You are obviously unable to do this yourself so make the first step of consulting with a good divorce attorney who will take your case on "consignment" meaning they'll ultimately collect their fee from your husband and/or part of the marital assets such as savings accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
Xristine07 Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 My situation is completely different as is the reasons that led to my affair, but I'm the wife that treated her husband this way. To be with her that long, he is cheating on you, I don't see how he can't be. We have 3 kids and I eventually came clean, but one does not realize what they have until it's gone. Perhaps he just needs his things packed, set outside, and a few days away to see what he's missing. Maybe then he'll talk and explain and you two can move forward. Either together or a apart, but happier. We stayed together, so there is hope. If you're strong enough, you can get through anything. I hope you find the peace that I know your heart needs. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 One does not realize what they have until it's gone. Perhaps he just needs his things packed, set outside, and a few days away to see what he's missing. I suppose this is always a possibility, but considering that his response when she confronted him and asked him not to go to the other woman was to spend more time away from home... I would suggest that it is unlikely. Although, we do agree that his things should be packed and set outside, such that he is not sleeping in his own bed tonight... Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 Abuse can take many forms, and in your case, your husband is abusing you both financially and emotionally. I know that may sound extreme, but it's really important that you start to view your husband as your adversary who will benefit from hurting you. You can't trust him to be honest with you about money or his "friendship" with this other woman so you need to protect both yourself and your children, as right now, he is choosing to do otherwise. As a first step, I would contact agencies that help people affected by spousal abuse. Even if they can't help you directly, they may be able to put you in touch with legal help and other assistance that you do qualify for. Some communities offer free legal aid clinics, and there are lots of resources listed online. Take a breath, find your centre and steel yourself. I know it may be a scary prospect, but you are stronger than you think. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. You're fighting for them too. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2018 Share Posted July 18, 2018 It is important to note that the reason why you don't qualify for financial assistance is probably because your husband will be responsible for paying you spousal and child support. You are also entitled to half the marital assets - the home, the cars, the money in the bank, the retirement fund. You may not feel like it because you don't have money in hand, but YOU HAVE RESOURCES. It's time to consult a lawyer and take back your power - it's time to take back what is yours... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 It boggles my mind how you could marry and have 3 kids with someone who won't even tell you how much he earns. It's his money, he earns it nt her. Why does she desperating want to know his money, curiousity ? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 It's his money, he earns it nt her. Why does she desperating want to know his money, curiousity ? The court will disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
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