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My Wife is Having a Midlife Crisis Affair!


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Hi Everyone,

 

As the title suggests, I think my wife (41) is in the midst of a midlife crisis affair. Well, to be clear, I know she's having an affair (she told me) and it looks an awful lot like a midlife crisis.

 

Some background: We've known eachother for about 25 years, were very good friends and started dating after about 5 years. I knew from the moment I met her that she was my soulmate. She's amazing. We've now been married for almost 15 years (our anniversary is in less than 2 weeks). We have a teenage son and a college-age daughter who lives on her own. Our marriage has been good, except for the fact that, for the last several years, my career has ruled our lives. She's moved around following me from place to place as my career took us from state to state and then to Europe. While we were in Europe, she told me that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Although I knew she was sacrificing everything following me around from place to place not getting to do anything she wanted to do, it wasn't until then that I had an awakening. It finally dawned on me that I had spent this entire time trying to make our life fit my career rather than the other way around. I was able to convince her to stay and told myself that enough was enough. Shortly thereafter, we left Europe. Instead of returning to the job I had on the east coast--where neither of us were happy--we moved back to the Southwest, where she wanted to be. It was the start of something new, where we were going to be able to build something for us instead of me. My career was finally in the backseat where it belonged...or so I thought.

 

It turned out that the job I had lined up fell through, and I ended up taking another job in Europe out of desperation. She didn't want to go, but we figured we could handle it for a little while by seeing eachother every couple of months. Big mistake on my part. I left in September and saw my wife and son in November and December. Even seeing her that "often," I realized that I couldn't do it. Not to mention that the company was completely incompetent and screwing up my pay/taxes. I put in my resignation in January. Unfortunately, I had a 6-month notice period, so my last day was June 30th. Gotta love Europe! We saw eachother again in March but decided to save the rest of my vacation so that I could cash the days out at the end. Another big mistake on my part.

 

Shortly after I left, my wife and son moved to a small town in the mountains. She started working in April. Things were fine between us at this point. We kept in touch mainly by email, with the occassional phone call, but the 8-hour time difference was tough. We would constantly tell eachother how much we loved and missed eachother. The last of such emails I received from her was on May 26th. On May 31st I got an email from my recruiter about a job in London/Amsterdam. I immediately told the recruiter no (I had learned my lesson!), but I sent it to my wife as a sort of "Haha, wanna do it again?!" She asked me if I wanted it, and I said "no" and tried to reassure her that I just thought it was a funny coincidence since this was exactly how the last European opportunity started. Anyway, I thought nothing of it for the next few days, but I think she took it the wrong way and it pushed her over the edge.

 

In June, she basically fell off the map. She and my son went on vacation with her sister and mom. Either right before she left (early June) or shortly after she got back (mid June), she started seeing a co-worker. Right before she got back from the trip, she sent me an email saying that my son was being a jerk and that I should take the London job and take my son with me. She said she wanted to be "alone...like permanently alone." Then, when she got home, she sent me another email saying that the cats had peed all over the house, her dad hadn't watered the plants and that there was nothing about her life that she liked. Then, 10 days before I was due to come home for good, she told me over the phone that she wanted a divorce. She explained that she was seeing someone and that things were "pretty serious" and that they were in love. Meanwhile, her job is terrible. She's working 12 hour days, continuously slammed and thinking about quitting.

 

Of course, I was devastated when she told me. But what really took me by surprise was the timing. She met this guy at work so had known him for about 2 months when this started. And it all kicked off within days of us sending eachother the usual series of "I love you more than anything" emails. At the point where she told me she wanted a divorce, she had only been seeing him for 1-2 weeks at most. This isn't exactly what you call the foundation of a real, lasting relationship.

 

Needless to say, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. On a few occasions, I fell into the trap of trying to beg, plead and convince her to stay. My emotions got the better of me, but I've now got them under control...I think. Ultimately, I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, and I told her that I have accepted it. We've agreed to keep this very civil and preserve our friendship. She's going to be moving out soon. Since this is a small mountain town and there no apartments to speak of, my guess is she will move in with him.

 

Look, I know there's a lot I could have done to prevent this. I had a lot of work to do in putting her before my career, and the nine months of working overseas didn't help matters much, but this feels an awful lot like a midlife crisis. She's buying all sorts of new clothes and underwear, exercising like crazy. I'm half expecting her to show up in a sports car one day...or a motorcycle maybe since this is the mountains. I think what she's experiencing at the moment is pure fantasy--newness, excitement, the feeling of being alive again, the sense of freedom. I'm confident that she will she through it in time, but I am worried that she is rushing into this so quickly that she'll be "committed" (move in, get married, etc.) before the illusion has a chance to fade. I love her more than anything and have committed to putting my career in the backseat--this time bolted down so it can't get back up. I've even started a job that will allow me to work remotely.

 

So, my questions:

 

- I know I need to take a step back and let this take its course, but how long do these things normally last? I've read that the vast majority of relationships that are started with infidelity fail, but are we talking months...years?

 

- I should probably move far away so that I don't have to witness everything, but we both want things to be easy for our son. Plus, I love the town where we're living. Nothing beats the mountains. I want to stay here, but is living so close to her going to keep her from realizing what it's like not to have me in her life?

 

- I've read that sitting around waiting for your spouse to come back is a bad idea and that you instead need to let them see you moving on. My wife even asked me if I was going to go on Match (huh?). I have no desire to meet other women while things are "taking their course." I have no desire to see anyone else period. Nonetheless, I did create a Match profile because I feel like I need to get out there to make her want me back. Trouble is, the thought of reaching out to people on Match (or meeting women anywhere for that matter) disgusts me. It's a lot like the feeling you get when making a dentist appointment: you dread the thought of going but force yourself to do it in order to keep your teeth from falling out. Then you're relieved when they tell you that their first available appointment is in 3 months. I'm torn. I can't stomach the thought meeting new women, but is hanging out and waiting for her to come around a bad idea?

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited by TPilot
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If the roles were reversed, would your wife be so accepting and passive as you have been? No consequences to her actions equal no motivation to change.

 

She is disrespecting you in the worst possible way. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to contact an attorney to understand your options.

 

I wish you luck.

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I don't think it's necessarily a mid life crisis that she'll snap out of. Obviously I'm seeing it from my own experiences, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

I was married for 23 years. We moved every year or two for my husband's career, but all within the United States. For the last ten years he started traveling extensively within the US & Canada. We would only see each other once a month, sometimes less.

 

That distance and time alone to think made me recognize and focus on what was missing in our marriage, about what I wanted. I realized it wasn't him. Our situation was different in that he had been unfaithful on several occasions, but honestly I understood to a certain point because of the unhappiness I felt with the marriage. We still loved each other, and told each other so, but it just wasn't enough. I talked to him about it, told him I wasn't sure I could continue the marriage but wasn't ready to make the final decision. But then I met someone and fell really hard and that just made my decision obvious. The marriage was over, whether or not this new relationship lasted or not.

 

Unfortunately over time unhappiness and resentments build up to the point where there's no going back. That may be where your wife is, and if so, regardless of whether things last with her new guy she won't come back to you.

 

You have to take her at her word right now and don't hold out hope that she'll change her mind. Don't keep yourself on the shelf waiting for her to come back. And you might find that even if she did you wouldn't be able to get past what she's done.

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If the roles were reversed, would your wife be so accepting and passive as you have been? No consequences to her actions equal no motivation to change.

 

She is disrespecting you in the worst possible way. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to contact an attorney to understand your options.

 

I wish you luck.

 

I see your point. I don’t want to be a doormat. I’m just concerned that playing hardball will only push her closer to him.

 

Incidentally, I’m a lawyer. :D I know that her affair would give me a huge upper hand in a divorce—completely cut her off, maybe even take away our son. But I love her. I’m not sure I could do that to her. Plus, I want to give her a chance to see through the fantasy and come to her senses on her own rather than coming back to me out of fear. Since this is a small town, I feel like this pseudo-relationship of hers needs to fall apart on its own so that it doesn’t restart later on.

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@Finding my way

 

Damn...but thanks for sharing. I do think my wife thinks I’ve been unfaithful. I haven’t been—not during our marriage at least. Before we got married, I allowed myself to get lured in by my insane manipulative ex-girlfriend and went to NYC with her for New Year’s Eve. I admitted that to my wife several years later, so maybe that’s just as bad.

 

There’s a fine line between being naive and being hopeful. I’m just not sure which side of the line I’m on. If there’s any chance that this IS a mid life crisis, I just don’t want to throw away the chance of seeing it through.

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somanymistakes
I know I need to take a step back and let this take its course, but how long do these things normally last?

 

You 'know' this? Why and how do you know this?

 

Just because she's having an affair does NOT mean she's going through a Silly Little Phase that she will get over.

 

Sure, this current relationship is not likely to be the one that she's with for the next forty years. On the other hand, those statistics about 'failed' relationships are often asking "will they still be together and married in ten years". You going to wait around for ten years hoping to be her Plan B???

 

It sounds like your wife was 100% fed up with your marriage. She is sick and tired of following you around and putting your career and your needs in front of hers. She wants to be in charge of her own life.

 

So yeah, you're suddenly seeing her do a whole bunch of things that are unusual for the wife that you knew. She's trying to explore what she wants, what it feels like to put herself first. And she went looking for emotional comfort, for a new relationship to support her, before telling you that she's done.

 

If she breaks up with this guy next month, she is still not coming back to you. That's the feeling I get.

 

If you want to get back together with her more than anything else in the world, more than your own self-esteem, your only chance IMO is to let her go completely, divorce her amicably, give her at least two years to be on her own, and then try to woo her again from square one as if she were a stranger you'd just met - meet her, get to know her, the NEW her, rather than the wife you thought you had. And, like a stranger, give her the right to say NO.

 

Because yeah, some people do get back together again after a breakup. But don't count on it.

 

I know that her affair would give me a huge upper hand in a divorce—completely cut her off, maybe even take away our son.

 

I thought you said you were a lawyer? :D You should know that in most jurisdictions, adultery means squat when it comes to those things. In some locations, proving she was cheating means that you would have less alimony required. In other states it doesn't even do that. It certainly doesn't remove her entitlement to half the marital assets, and it does not affect custody decisions.

Edited by somanymistakes
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@somanymistakes

 

Thanks for the brutally honest feedback.

 

So, I guess maybe a corporate lawyer shouldn’t play divorce lawyer! It also doesn’t help that it’s been 10 years since I studied family law for my bar exam. Haha

 

Two years might be right. I was thinking 5. I actually told her I would look forward to getting back together when I’m 85. I guess my faith might have me being a little too hopeful, but this is the woman I want to spend my last days with. I can’t see myself turning her away if I get the chance years from now.

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Get yourself a lawyer and give her a Midlife Crisis divorce. Tell her one last time she drops this guy and recommits to the marriage or it is over.

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My Wife is Having a Midlife Crisis Affair!

Before we got married, I allowed myself to get lured in by my insane manipulative ex-girlfriend

 

Interesting to me the labels you apply in an attempt to cover up poor choices and inappropriate behavior. Your ex-girlfriend didn't manipulate you, you cheated. Your wife doesn't have some mental disorder, she's reacted to the state of your marriage by choosing someone else.

 

TPilot, you need an honest, "eyes wide open" assessment of your situation in order to make good choices going forward. Have you spoken to a therapist or counselor? They may be able to help you bring clarity to the chaos and drama your life has become.

 

You have a lawyer's gift for rationalizing - great in the courtroom, less so in life...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Your wife made a decision to have an affair it just didn't happen. You are making all kinds of excuses to stay in this. So you'll wallow in Infidelty awhile until you wake up maybe.

 

You act like a doormat so you don't push her away? Man she's already left.

 

Strength is you're only option.

 

Better wake up

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I have a friend who did exactly this, and we all thought the relationship was doomed and would not last long. Yet, she is still together with her affair partner. Her now ex-husband has moved on and found another relationship...

 

I would not wait around for her to "come to her senses..." It may never happen, and she may actually find happiness in another relationship. You should probably do the same... Good luck.

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Lotsgoingon

Your story reminds of an interview I heard a few years back with a woman who was married to a military officer. This woman had written a book about the agony of being a military spouse.

 

She was firmly in her marriage, she had this happy, kinda bubbly voice, seemed incredibly resilient ... but the anger and bitterness she felt towards her husband when he got assigned overseas--multiple times--and towards the military ... was scorching hot. This rage, she said, was widespread among military wives--the result of living with someone who disappears for a year ... comes back, tries to boss her around, finds flaws in the way she has run the household in his absence … then disappears on another assignment.

 

Your wife's reaction reminds me of the anger this woman talked about. So you're not alone ... Men face this pressure to take high-powered jobs that support the family and yet inconvenience the family ... and then lose sight of how much the job REALLY inconveniences the family.

 

Your wife was most likely understating her unhappiness all along because ... A lot of women grow up thinking it is their job to adjust to a man's career and when this brings misery, it takes them time to voice their real feelings.

 

You sound extremely thoughtful and extremely fair, curious, open-minded. Any chance you want to send this note to your wife? It's quite and understanding note.

 

And yeah, though you're hurt and feel betrayed, you really don't want to go brutal on the divorce. Horrible model for your children ... You'll just confirm her bitterness by going scorched-earth on the divorce and retroactively, you’ll make the entire marriage a mistake in her mind.

 

Going for a brutal divorce has some horrible consequences for your children--even though they're grown. They'd be walking around tormented by two contrasting feelings: "dad's a good guy" ... and "dad treated mom like utter dirt."

 

Children—yes even adult children are affected deeply by parents behavior—and they will now wonder if you were always this mean and cruel ... or if this was a one-time thing ... this agony then spills over into their relationships and into their entire view of the world.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Get some exercise. Get sleep. Throw yourself into some hobbies, do some reading. Lots of men don't do well in a time like this ... and it takes a toll.

 

I don't think this is a phase. Her rage is likely quite deep ... the quick affair might be a phase, but with the anger beneath that ... she may well move on to another affair if this one falls apart soon.

 

The only hope I see is if she gives full voice to that anger at you ... and sees that she can be a new strong, assertive woman with you ... But that requires a lot of work on her part that she may not want to put in at this point.

 

She might have suppressed her voice for years ... and doesn't know how to strongly talk to you ... Ever tried to speak your mind rationally and confidently to someone you’ve long looked up to and maybe been a little intimidated by? That’s probably how she feels right now. She may even be secretly angry at herself for not insisting earlier on for changes in the marriage.

 

Wild idea: call her and ask her to a sit-down ... at a restaurant or bar or someplace you can talk for a few hours. Promise to shut up and listen ... Promise to hear her out and not say ONE word. Do not defend yourself. Just listen ... You might have already done this ... But sometimes, it's amazing the power of being heard ...and what that can do ... and after this, maybe propose marriage counseling.

 

Don't go on match unless your heart is in it. Chill. There's no rush, and when you're ready to date, you can go out there really focused and clear. Future dating partners who are sharp will understand the dilemma you were in with the overseas assignments.

 

Good luck brother.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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PegNosePete
So, I guess maybe a corporate lawyer shouldn’t play divorce lawyer!

No more than a brain surgeon should perform a triple heart bypass. "He said he was a doctor..."

 

Incidentally, I’m a lawyer. :D I know that her affair would give me a huge upper hand in a divorce—completely cut her off, maybe even take away our son. But I love her. I’m not sure I could do that to her.

Dude... WTF.

 

Have you ever heard the saying that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client?

 

It doesn't matter if it's a mid life crisis or not. Your wife is having an affair right under your nose, and you're worried about what YOU couldn't do to HER? She is making her own bed here. You should let her lie in it.

 

Go see a specialist family lawyer and file tomorrow.

Edited by PegNosePete
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I see your point. I don’t want to be a doormat. I’m just concerned that playing hardball will only push her closer to him.

I have bad news for you. Your wife is having an affair, your reaction is to try and win her back, to "let things run their course" and be accepting of it rather than to kick her out and put on the pressure. YOU ARE ALREADY A DOORMAT and a willing one at that.

 

I feel like this pseudo-relationship of hers needs to fall apart on its own so that it doesn’t restart later on.

ALl you are telling her right now is: "You can cheat on me, you can act however you want, you can disrespect and abuse me and there wont by any consequences. I will be here, wagging my tail for whatever scraps you decide to throw me."

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Colin Grant

Your wife is in an affair and is emotionally consumed by it, which is why she wants you to find someone else. She wants you to move on so that she can proceed with her affair without distraction and guilt. You are the destraction and you wanting her is the source of her guilt, hence wants you to go on Match so that she can kill two birds with one stone. The distraction you are laboring her with and a little bit of guilt. Just a little.

 

Don't go on match to manipulate her to wanting you back. Tell her she can leave and be with her lover if she agrees to sign off on an amicable (favorable for you) divorce agreement. Being in a foggish state may provide you with a great divorce agreement or will awaken her to the finality of it all. Either way, you'll feel better by supplying the options and controlling your own path.

 

You cannot change her. You can change your approach to her however and begin to selfishly only concern yourself with you and your family. She's out of control and will continue to be so for the forseeable future. In the meantime, you are obligated to defend you and your family from her infidelity. Purusuing her is similar to pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in the bottom. Tell her if she wants him, then now she can be with him fulltime, but the least she can do is remove herself from the house and your life so that you can proceed with complete detachment.

 

Once you come to grips and embrace her being out of your life and you discovering one with someone who can appreciate what you have to offer, everything will come together for you. You will take action, have direction and establish a plan to renew your own happiness instead of it being centered around a woman who isn't committed to you. Your challenge is getting yourself to detach and then graduate to being indifferent.

 

This would be all for you, not you and her as a couple. You have to rediscover your will so that you can make decisive decisions for yourself. As long as she is in your life, you will remain weakened and unable to think and reaction logically and selfishly. Not often in life is it good to be selfish, but this is one of those times. Think of a professional athlete who is injured. It's not until they rehab and return to full health, can they perform tasks needed to win and play well.

 

Same with you. You're emotionally injured and weakened. Your opponent (wife) knows this, and her actions speak accordingly. She can do what she wishes to do because you're not strong enough to respond with confidence and strength. So your job is to focus ONLY on restoring it so that you can deal with her as you need to. With strength, conviction and purpose. From there, things are guaranteed to start falling for you. When I say start falling for you I mean, restoring your old self and standing upright and independently. Right now, your happiness is tied to her, which is understandable, but not sutstainable to live a fulfilling life.

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You say "midlife crisis affair" as if it's somehow excusable.

 

 

It's not.

 

 

Nor is your passive approach whereby you're willing to sit back and let it "run it's course" whatever that means.

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Men who r completely clueless about women. They r quick to blame themselves for their wives infidelity, ' it was my career, the new job, movn to Europe etc ' and it's ' midlife crisis ', lol

 

Yo very lack of awareness of what is going on is part of the reason she is leaving you - yo failure to even hold her accountable - you worsened the situation by even quiting your job when she cheated, instead of blaming her for her actions and kicking her out--u made her lose more attraction & respect 4 u, by remaining loyal to her after her unloyalty, ' i wont go on match,no new girl', she was subconsciously evaluating your other options with other women/do other women find my partner desirable, or no body else wants him . . .

 

Divorce her, and never take her back ' at sm point she will want u bk, when she realise at 41 she cant attract the men she used to in her 20s', but u cn get a younger woman than her, in fact if u do, it will rekindle her attraction for u. But dont take bk . .

 

Women lose attraction to a man who wants and values intimacy, familiarity, relational security more than she does - I dare you, pretend to start wanting the divorce more than she does, and sooner than she wants it, and she will start showing signs of interest and attraction anxiety.

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To start with, I never push for any sort of reconciliation.

 

If you want your wife back.

 

Don’t play the choose me game.

 

Don’t beg, plead or show any sort of weakness.

 

Don’t seat around moping feeling sorry for yourself. Hit the gym.

 

Be a man and show respect for yourself.

 

If she asked for a divorce, give it to her. Go for 50/50 custody of your son.

 

Stand up for yourself in the divorce. Don’t give in when she starts complaining and trying to get you to give in on things.

 

You trying the job in Europe isn’t the reason for your cheating wife’s affair. She is the reason. Many couples go through a separation due to work. We don’t all cheat because of it. So by your reasoning you should have cheated as well, did you?

 

Divorce your unfaithful wife.

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Men who r completely clueless about women. They r quick to blame themselves for their wives infidelity, ' it was my career, the new job, movn to Europe etc ' and it's ' midlife crisis ', lol

 

Yo very lack of awareness of what is going on is part of the reason she is leaving you - yo failure to even hold her accountable - you worsened the situation by even quiting your job when she cheated, instead of blaming her for her actions and kicking her out--u made her lose more attraction & respect 4 u, by remaining loyal to her after her unloyalty, ' i wont go on match,no new girl', she was subconsciously evaluating your other options with other women/do other women find my partner desirable, or no body else wants him . . .

 

Divorce her, and never take her back ' at sm point she will want u bk, when she realise at 41 she cant attract the men she used to in her 20s', but u cn get a younger woman than her, in fact if u do, it will rekindle her attraction for u. But dont take bk . .

 

Women lose attraction to a man who wants and values intimacy, familiarity, relational security more than she does - I dare you, pretend to start wanting the divorce more than she does, and sooner than she wants it, and she will start showing signs of interest and attraction anxiety.

 

This is so true. I wouldn't say it is all women but women like this can smell desperation like a bloodhound and when they sense that you have truly moved on the tables flip. Their kryptonite is seeing you happy without them.

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IndigoNight

TPilot

 

I am sorry about the hurt you are feeling. Truly.

 

You quit working all over the world to be there for your family, and you can still do that. Maybe not in the way you had imagined, but don't forget, your son is also your family. Be there for him.

 

What your wife does with her life isn't your choice anymore. She isn't having a "mid-life crisis". Unless she is dating a boy toy and trying to relive her youth, it sounds more like she got fed up with being married, and spending a lot of time alone. Calling what has happened a mid-life crisis makes it sound like you are in denial of any problems you had in your marriage. Everyone has a breaking point, and with you gone so much, she apparently reached hers. Her cheating is wrong, no matter how much you were away for work.

 

If she realizes down the road that she has made a horrible mistake, deal with it then. Don't waste your life waiting for it to happen though. It's not fair to you, or your son. You may even realize that she isn't who you want to spend the rest of your life with anymore. Time changes things. Perspectives change. Life keeps moving forward, no matter what we want, and sometimes it carries you down a path you never imagined possible. Just don't put your life on hold waiting for her. Live for you, and your son. He still needs you.

 

I won't bore you with the details, but my past was a lot like yours. I was the wife who followed my husband (now ex) around. I made sure he succeeded, I supported him, etc. After 10 years I got tired of it because I realized his desire to succeed changed from him wanting to create a better future for us, to about him and his ego to succeed. I believed that he was my soulmate too. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else. I even thought at one point I wanted him back. Then I met my current husband, and have been with him almost 20 years, and happier than I ever was with my ex.

 

Plan a fun trip with your son, and just get away for a while. Go fishing or camping. See the Grand Canyon. Go to Disneyland for a weekend! Do something to reclaim your life, and enjoy your time with your son.

 

I wish you all the best.

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  • 2 weeks later...
lostmyway82

Let's get this straight, known each other for 25 years, dated for 5 years ,married for 15 years ? What happened to the balance 5 years ? Stuck in a friend zone ?

 

Ever wonder why she is so reluctant to follow you around, although you are providing for the family and she gets to see you all the time if she followed you around ?

 

So she is sacrificing 15 years of marriage for a guy she met for 2 weeks ?

 

Are you sure your kid are even yours ?

 

Before you got married you cheated on her, and you told her about it after you got married ? And yet she waited 15 years before asking for a divorce ?

 

Time to check in on the past 15 years of your marriage life, as you have been busy providing for your family, she might been busy with someone else.

 

Women at the age of 41 would not just ask for a divorce if the odds do not favor them. Most importantly they wouldn't even tell you about the affair they are having.

 

Ask yourself whats with this new guy she is seeing for 2 weeks, why would he want a 41 year women who is married with kids ? And is it really 2 weeks that she has been seeing him ?

 

How about your sex life with her ? Affairs are always related to sex and sex is always related to attraction and lust. And most of the time women who have affairs will let the other man do things to them that they wouldn't even let their husband do. And lust will make people do things you wouldn't believe they would.

 

Most women have a skeleton in their closet, a dark secret which they want to keep hidden. And they are great pretenders, well at least most of them are. Some can go on for years deceiving their partners or husband without them even knowing, especially one that is always busy providing for the family.

 

You are a lawyer so tet your lawyer instinct take over. Don't be a fool. You work your a$$ off to provide for your family. You can do without a 41 year old woman. You can always find someone better, younger.

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Hi Tpilot, sorry you find yourself here. The fact is that my first impression on reading your OP was that what you did after she threatened divorce the first time was just too little too late. As a thinking man you should have known that putting your career ahead of your marriage and family was going to eventually ruin things. To now hope to be able to recover things is like a pipe dream. Now at this late stage you have suddenly discovered how much you love your wife and how she is your soul mate! You certainly did not treat her like a soul mate all these years. The fact is that you have systematically and consistently alienated her over the years and the train that was your marriage has already left the station. Now you want to play 'Catch up'.

 

It seems yo me that your wife kept giving you I fixations that the quality of your marriage was deteriorating but you paid no heed. When she asked for a divorce the first time your smothered her down so could not express herself forcefully enough. Once you were away from her she found the courage to finally do what she wanted to do, that is, break away from you and she has done that in no uncertain terms. What Indigo night and Finding my way have said sums up your wife's mental state aptly. She seems to have checked out of the marriage a long time ago. The best you can do is to let her go gracefully and move on with your life. Move to another bigger city away from your wife, take up a decent well paying job yo support your son properly and after a suitable period of time start dating to find yourself a new partner. Initiate divorce proceedings immediately and try and keep it cordial. For the rest I wish you the very best going forward.

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