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Found out he’s cheating [with another man]


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I have been on here for a while but recently just registered

My husband and I have been married for 2 years

He is 29 and I am 22

I was going through our home pc when I came across an email account that was open

I’ve discovered that he is having a relationship with a man

I don’t know how to confront him

There was pictures of a mans penis someone sent to him and from what I’m seeing it looks like they have met and had sex.

I feel disgusted and betrayed right now.

I don’t even know what to do. He is suppose to be the man and now he’s with another man in the role as the female.

So many things going through my mind I don’t know where to start

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Lotsgoingon

Start calling your close friends ... people you really trust ... Arrange a coffee meeting ASAP. Tell your friend this is an emergency.

 

I say this because when I get paralyzed by some issue that comes up in my life, I find that talking to a friend, helps me find my footing ... and my voice.

 

This is not just an issue of "confronting" him ... Let's say you confront him and he lies ... makes up something ... What do you do then?

 

So you want to think further down the road to figure out what your response could and should be.

 

First step ... and this is a horribly awkward step: let's assume you're right about the info and that hubby is having sex with a guy. Well ... knowing that .. if you look back ... were there any signs of this? ... Any disinterest in sex with you? ... Lack of passion? ... Any awkward moments that you ignored because they didn't make any sense at the time?

 

Keep in mind, he could be bisexual ... So maybe there is passion for you ... and passion for men as well ...

 

Get to a good friend ASAP. Tell them it's an emergency. It is! ... And go from there.

 

Just personally speaking, I would feel more comfortable going to a friend first rather than telling my family.

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Oh dear.

 

I couldn't get past a same sex relationship. That would be a deal breaker for me.

 

You have to tell him you found out & then you have to search your own heart & soul for whether you can get past it or need to be done.

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I couldn't get past a same sex relationship. That would be a deal breaker for me.

 

Same for me. And there's no bias as I have gay family members and friends very much in my life.

 

But even if you could get past the cheating, how would you ever trust your spouse would be satisfied with you going forward?

 

AundieJo, you never had any indication he wasn't straight?

 

Mr. Lucky

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This is so embarrasing. I don’t know if I can tell any friends let alone family.

What kind of indications would there be ? I mean he never said he wanted to go down on a man or anything like that ?

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Do an internet search. There are ways to deal with how you feel . . . confused, embarrassed, lost, relieved . . .whatever.

 

I'm no fan of the Kardashians but when Bruce / Caitlyn was going through the transition my heart went out to Kris. Until then, . . .who did you talk to?

 

It's nothing you did. Try to hang on to that.

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Lotsgoingon

You gotta share this with someone besides us or you will be paralyzed.

 

That's what other people are on this earth for ... to help is through impossible situations like the one you're in ...

 

Here's the thing: this IS gonna come out at some point. If it's true, this info will come out ... because most likely you will leave him ... and he'll take this as an opportunity to come out as gay.

 

So this IS gonna come out.

 

You should go to a doctor and tell your doctor about your situation and get a checkup ... since he's been with others.

 

If you can't talk to friends yet, absolutely call a therapist ... at the very least tell your doctor! ...

 

But this will NOT remain a secret. Just so you know ... You have some quiet time ... But eventually you're gonna be telling people the full deal ... and he'll likely come out ...

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amaysngrace

Just ask him about it. What good is being married if you can't even have an open discussion with your spouse??

 

I don't get it...

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ExpatInItaly
This is so embarrasing. I don’t know if I can tell any friends let alone family.

What kind of indications would there be ? I mean he never said he wanted to go down on a man or anything like that ?

 

I would think that photos of male genitalia sent to him and messages suggesting he's had sex with other men would be indications.

 

And no, he likely would never have come out and told his own wife he was attracted to men. It's obvious he isn't comfortable with his sexuality so the woman he married would likely be just about the last person he'd express these desires to. I can't fathom someone in his position randomly musing about going down on another man; the signs wouldn't be so blatant for a man who's trying so hard to hide his sexual orientation.

 

You have discovered a bombshell. I would be done with the marriage, because if he is attracted to men, there's really nothing you can do to change that. It doesn't mean you are somehow inadequate or that he is wrong to be gay, but I can't see how you could function as a married couple if you are fundamentally incompatible like this. As others have said, this won't remain a secret forever. It will come out, somehow, some way. You need to have a very honest and difficult talk with him.

 

You also need to get yourself tested for STIs. If he's having sex with anyone else outside the marriage, men or women, you are at risk. Protect your health, regardless of whether he denies sexual contact or unprotected sexual contact. You know you cannot trust him, so don't take his word for it.

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Just ask him about it. What good is being married if you can't even have an open discussion with your spouse??

 

I don't get it...

 

 

Yes because there's so much honesty in the relationship so far, why stop now.

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I know it's hard, but you need to bail out of this marriage now. You're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Why be married to a gay, dishonest, promiscuous man? What diseases will you catch?

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My wife has a friend and co-worker who is a lesbian. I noticed this woman express an approving little smile while admiring my wife. Although my wife is a straight arrow, the very thought of her with another woman greatly disturbs me far more than if I caught her cheating with another man. I would be devastated by such a revelation. And I could not forgive her for such an unacceptable indiscretion.

 

I suggest you tell your husband goodbye, AundieJo.

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I finally confronted him last night

He knew something was wrong by my body language.

I told him what I had seen in the emails

After a few min of denying it he came clean. He told me he had been raped by a family friend when he was 14.

This really confuses me, how can that make someone enjoy being with another man.

He told me he wants to fix this and will end his relationship with his lover.

I don’t know if I can handle the thought of knowing what he has been doing.

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RoseGold18
I finally confronted him last night

He knew something was wrong by my body language.

I told him what I had seen in the emails

After a few min of denying it he came clean. He told me he had been raped by a family friend when he was 14.

This really confuses me, how can that make someone enjoy being with another man.

He told me he wants to fix this and will end his relationship with his lover.

I don’t know if I can handle the thought of knowing what he has been doing.

 

Unfortunately, that happens all the time. Men who were raped as children sometimes "enjoy" it in some way and that can make them confused and sometimes gay.

 

I personally know a ton of people in that same situation.

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You probably will need at least a good marriage counselor to help you through this. Since your husband did admit to the affair & gave you a very personal glimpse into his past, that is some indication that he wants to stay married & remain faithful. Weather he can do it or you want to accept it, are still open Qs.

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somanymistakes

Okay let's back off the gay-is-gross bashing here a little, okay? It doesn't matter if he's cheating with a man or a woman, he's cheating and lying to you, deal with it on that level. Don't get hung up on the details, they don't MATTER.

 

He's been sleeping with other people and lying to you about it and didn't tell you anything until he got caught. Now he wants to 'cover up' the problem. That won't fix things, it will make them worse.

 

Tell him that you care about him and you wish him good luck on his journey but you can't be married to him now because he lied to you and cheated on you. Tell him to look into therapy so he can come to terms with his past and be more happy about what he really wants in the future, WHATEVER that is, gay or bi or anything. And then get out, because this relationship is no good for you.

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somanymistakes

Being molested as a child doesn't turn you gay.

 

Many gay youth do have troubled childhood experiences because they were already confused about their attractions, which makes them easy prey for predators to take advantage of. Imagine that you're a young boy, attracted to men, not sure what sort of attraction it is but you like it when they pay attention to you. If one of those men is a bad person it's easy for them to lure a kid away with promises of special favors.

 

And then of course the young boy ends up even more confused because of the mix of pleasure and shame that comes from being preyed on by an adult like that. This can lead them to be closeted longer, or refuse to admit even to themselves that they're gay because they don't want to sound like they liked being molested.

 

So I wouldn't be surprised to hear that a lot of married men who eventually admit to being gay also admit to having been molested when they were younger. That messes you up, it's more likely to lead to you being in a false marriage.

 

But it still doesn't turn straight kids gay. Gay is not contagious.

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Someone can be attracted to both men and women. Just putting that out there.

 

Anyways, he is cheating on you, and lying to you and you have the right to walk away from a relationship that is dishonest. Also you have the right to not like the fact that ur husband has been with other men physically.

 

Now you have a choice on how to act based on the information you have learned from the relationship.

 

Your going to have to lean on all your family and friends regarding support. You don't have to tell them why your marriage is ending but that you need all of their support. If you really want to share with someone without the embarrassment, try a therapist.

 

wish you well

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Okay let's back off the gay-is-gross bashing here a little, okay? It doesn't matter if he's cheating with a man or a woman, he's cheating and lying to you, deal with it on that level. Don't get hung up on the details, they don't MATTER.

 

He's been sleeping with other people and lying to you about it and didn't tell you anything until he got caught. Now he wants to 'cover up' the problem. That won't fix things, it will make them worse.

 

Tell him that you care about him and you wish him good luck on his journey but you can't be married to him now because he lied to you and cheated on you. Tell him to look into therapy so he can come to terms with his past and be more happy about what he really wants in the future, WHATEVER that is, gay or bi or anything. And then get out, because this relationship is no good for you.

 

You seem to take how I feel about my husband being with another man personal. Dont! I am entitled to my opinion and I’m not sorry for feeling this way.

I don’t have any issues with the lgbt community. My issue is with my husband breaking our vows and the fact it is with another man for me makes it even worse. That’s how I feel.

Edited by AundieJo
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stillafool
This is so embarrasing. I don’t know if I can tell any friends let alone family.

What kind of indications would there be ? I mean he never said he wanted to go down on a man or anything like that ?

 

Why are you embarrassed? You haven't done anything. Confront him right away.

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Okay let's back off the gay-is-gross bashing here a little, okay? It doesn't matter if he's cheating with a man or a woman, he's cheating and lying to you, deal with it on that level. Don't get hung up on the details, they don't MATTER.

 

He's been sleeping with other people and lying to you about it and didn't tell you anything until he got caught. Now he wants to 'cover up' the problem. That won't fix things, it will make them worse.

 

I don't think it's gay-bashing to point out the OP faces two separate issues -

 

- plain old infidelity

 

- a partner who has at least a sexual attraction, if not a preference, for men

 

So it's a little different path forward than normal recovery from an affair. YMMV,

 

Mr. Lucky

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You should go to a doctor and tell your doctor about your situation and get a checkup ... since he's been with others.

 

 

Yes, do this. Especially since he's been with other men, I would be very concerned first and foremost about my health.

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Unfortunately, that happens all the time. Men who were raped as children sometimes "enjoy" it in some way and that can make them confused and sometimes gay.

 

I personally know a ton of people in that same situation.

 

No, it doesn't turn someone gay.

 

Rape is traumatic but it doesn't "turn anyone gay".

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You seem to take how I feel about my husband being with another man personal. Dont! I am entitled to my opinion and I’m not sorry for feeling this way.

I don’t have any issues with the lgbt community. My issue is with my husband breaking our vows and the fact it is with another man for me makes it even worse. That’s how I feel.

 

And you have every right to feel that way.

 

It's betrayal and he's been lying to you about who he is.

 

Since you don't even know the real version of him and he can't be trusted at all - seems divorcing him is the only answer to the farce he's laid out to you.

 

 

The only thing you can be glad for - is that you know now instead of ten or twenty years from now.

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Just curious OP, how is your sex life? Are your needs fulfilled or do you feel you need more and he can't give you enough? My guess is you don't get enough.

 

Like you I found out my husband was gay/bi (he confessed) and had sex with men before and after marriage. He didn't love any man. Though he wanted to work out and remain faithful he physically cheated on me with men again few years later.

 

I was 38 and with a child when I found out. But you are still 22 and get out while you still can. At least don't have children from him. He'll need men in the future too and you can't change it.

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