Still holding on to OM after over 10 years

[Br0kens0ul]

Hello all I'm new here and I'm at my wits end and just lost:(. My story is a little long sorry in advance.

 

My situation started when I was in my early 20's. I hadn't had many boyfriends and I was having fun and experiencing the world. I was also still a virgin. I met this guy while clubbing with my bestfriend for her 21st bday. We couldn't get away from each other that night. After this meeting we talked everyday for months but we lived about an hour away from each other so we did not see each other a lot. I noticed that I was only called late at night. Never went on any dates but it was young love and fun. One day the phone calls stopped and we were not in contact for months. After about 2 months they started back and he tells me he moved in with his gf!! I was hurt but we were just friends we never had any physical contact. As the time went on we were still talking everyday and we both noticed the feelings were way more than friendly. He finally decides to visit me about a year after us becoming close and I couldn't get the courage to have sex with him and we got into a huge argument.

 

I didn't want anything to do with him and hooked up with someone else (my husband) to make him jealous. I was deeply in love with the OM but I also wanted someone else around. Although I was still having a good time with the new guy I was back in regular contact with the OM. Then I got pregnant after a few months of being with the new guy. The OM was the first person I told and he was devastated.

 

Fast forward to 10 years later 2 kids and a marriage. I am still in regular contact with the OM. I have to hide it from my husband of course. I want to let him go but I'm so emotionally attached to him I'm literally sick if I don't talk to him everyday. We haven't seen each other in years but we do send pics to each other here and there. I cant stand for my husband to touch me and it been this way for years. I don't know what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can't help but feel sorry for your husband, what a spectacularly raw deal he's gotten. 10 years and two kids with someone who wants nothing to do with him, physically or emotionally.

 

Why not at least develop enough of a conscience to tell him the truth and let him go? Seems that would solve a number of problems for both of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Br0kens0ul]

Can't help but feel sorry for your husband, what a spectacularly raw deal he's gotten. 10 years and two kids with someone who wants nothing to do with him, physically or emotionally.

 

Why not at least develop enough of a conscience to tell him the truth and let him go? Seems that would solve a number of problems for both of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky, Believe it or not that is how I feel for him.... Sorry. He's a great man, father, and husband. But our marriage was one of convenience. I've told him how I feel and he ignores me and make plans for "our" future. Its not much of me wanting to be with someone else. I really just want to be single and experience life.

[stillafool]

If you want to be single and free then you divorce. You don't need your husband's approval to file for divorce. Let him go since you don't want him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've told him how I feel and he ignores me and make plans for "our" future.

 

Telling him how you feel and telling him what you've been doing are two different things. I don't think any spouse would make plans for a future together after they hear the 10-year torch you've carried for the OM is the reason you've pushed him away for the last decade.

 

Br0kens0ul, you're clearly evaluating all the facts and trying to find a way forward. Don't you think this "great man, father, and husband" deserves a fully-informed chance to do the same thing ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

Fast forward to 10 years later 2 kids and a marriage. I am still in regular contact with the OM. I have to hide it from my husband of course. I want to let him go but I'm so emotionally attached to him I'm literally sick if I don't talk to him everyday. We haven't seen each other in years but we do send pics to each other here and there. I cant stand for my husband to touch me and it been this way for years. I don't know what to do.

 

And I thought I was bad. I am 10 years into a marriage and have 2 kids, and I finally decided to pull the plug.

 

I had been so ****ty to my own husband, but I never had a huge attachment to any of my other men. I had a long term affair, but at the end of the day I went home to my family and for the most part enjoyed sex with my husband.

 

Coming from one cheater to another, let him go. It sounds like you 100% completely checked out.

[GoldenR]

You're playing your husband for a chump and a fool. You have zero respect for him.

 

Divorce him. Let him find a real wife. His whole life is a lie, and you're responsible.

 

Think about it....reverse roles. How would you feel?

[WilyWill]

Nice of you to mess up someone else's entire life just to make your boyfriend jealous. Do the right thing. Divorce, and let your husband find a decent wife.

[Adotta]

This is what scares me about women. WHO DOES THIS? I can almost guarantee she manipulated him the entirety of the marriage. WHO would marry someone who doesn't want sex and intimacy? So she had to have faked it the entirety of the first few years At it least.

 

People rip on men all the time for being dogs chasing after sex that will lie cheat and steal to get it. But rarely do I see men ever manipulate a woman into being a wife over a decade just because of another woman who doesn't want him. It's devious. You have sucked up 10 years of this man's life. You have made his life one big lie. How evil an act that is.

 

Men just [have sex] and go. It's bad and hurtful, but after it's over everyone is free to move on and live real life. Woman latch on like leeches and suck the life out of their victims.

 

I'm obviously not saying all women and men. Just that subset of emotionally and sexually irresponsible men and women. I would much rather deal with a [] man (If I was gay) than the woman version of that. At least the man ends it somewhat quickly and tears the curtain away. Women in that position keep the curtain in place forever it seems.

 

I don't get this draw for women to settle down even with men they don't really like. This draw for security and money or whatever. If men don't like a woman like that they just move on. Women on the other hand just fake it. Why would you even WANT a relationship like That?

 

I get that the baby caused issues, but that is no excuse.

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Edited June 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language cleanup

[BaileyB]

You don't need his permission to file for divorce.

 

He will hate you initially, but he will recover. There is absolutely no possibility that he will meet someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved if he stays married to you.

 

The decision making in this situation is spectacularly poor! Perhaps, it's time to make a different decision and right this wrong.

[BaileyB]

One word of caution... You have built this other man up in your mind for 10 years now... It is unlikely that the fantasy will match the reality. But, that is for you to discover.

 

Good luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

But rarely do I see men ever manipulate a woman into being a wife over a decade just because of another woman who doesn't want him. It's devious. You have sucked up 10 years of this man's life. You have made his life one big lie. How evil an act that is.

 

I see plenty of men - and there are many threads on here - "manipulate" a wife to care for home, hearth and family while they chase various side pieces. And just as the OP says her spouse is a "great husband", they'll tell you "I love my wife".

 

Neither gender has cornered the market on self-serving behavior...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Here’s what I think. If you walk away from your marriage, you’ll probably regret it way more than you think. What you have with the other guy is a fantasy. I don’t care how much you talk or how many secrets you share with him — it’s not the real world. If you lived with him, you’d experience the same level of boredom that you do now with your husband.

 

Unless your husband is a control freak or verbally abusive — anything along those lines - I’d encourage you to stay in your marriage, learn to love the one you’re with, and drop the OM. You’re cheating on your husband through your emotions. You think love is this little fairytale and that this other guy is your soul mate. Honey, if that were the case, he would’ve made the decision to be with you a long time ago. He likes having someone on the side, even if it’s only emotional. Someday you’ll understand this but I’m afraid that, by the time you do, it will be too late.

[Clay]

The other poster is right. You just wasted ten years of your life for nothing. This om is really just a fantasy. You could have saved your time and heartache and read romance novels. You could have left your husband and found the man you really wanted to be with. You could have really taken all the time you and energy that you robbed your husband and your children of and make your life and there's a really great one. Instead here you are feeling sad and still lonely.

 

If you want a better life your the one that has to work for it. I seriously would suggest you get a divorce and get into counseling. Find out what you are doing this horrible thing to yourself and to your family. Take the time you really need to figure these things out. Get your self stable and learn about what really makes you happy. No one should be the only way you feel good about yourself. You should be able to do that on your own.

 

Now ask yourself why doesn't your husband and your kids deserve a better life for themselves to. Why shouldn't your husband be able to go out and find a woman that will love him the way he deserves. Why should you be the only one that deserves happiness.

 

Tell him the full truth and let him go. Get yourself the help you deserve. Drop this OM like the parasite he really is.

[Adotta]

I see plenty of men - and there are many threads on here - "manipulate" a wife to care for home, hearth and family while they chase various side pieces. And just as the OP says her spouse is a "great husband", they'll tell you "I love my wife".

 

Neither gender has cornered the market on self-serving behavior...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's true. I looked at it simplisticly. I was just trying to say women and men go about it a little differently and the way women do it seems more manipulative to me. I've read nearly a hundred stories from wayward wives in the last few weeks that start with "I never loved my husband".

 

It's not usually so for men.

[Mr. Lucky]

After about 2 months they started back and he tells me he moved in with his gf!!

 

Br0kens0ul, what's his relationship status? After 10 years, doesn't he have a wife and kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Br0kens0ul]

Br0kens0ul, what's his relationship status? After 10 years, doesn't he have a wife and kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No. Hes still with the same woman they never married and they do not have any kids she have a grown child from a previous relationship.

[Br0kens0ul]

One word of caution... You have built this other man up in your mind for 10 years now... It is unlikely that the fantasy will match the reality. But, that is for you to discover.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Although ive always loved him i always tell him there will never be a me and him. I really only want to have sex with him but i could never physically cheat on someone. Im in my early 30s and have only been with one man and now im feeling restricted in life.

[BaileyB]

Although ive always loved him i always tell him there will never be a me and him. I really only want to have sex with him but i could never physically cheat on someone. Im in my early 30s and have only been with one man and now im feeling restricted in life.

 

So, what exactly do you envision happening in the future? Do you plan to hook-up with this man or find another relationship?

[carhill]

One word of caution... You have built this other man up in your mind for 10 years now... It is unlikely that the fantasy will match the reality. But, that is for you to discover.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Yes, that's been my experience as well. The mind and ego fill in the blanks and usually to the benefit of oneself, so positively. Reality, OTOH, is overwhelmingly a mixed bag and humans are imperfect.

 

However, if the OP can let go of expectations and her M, it could be a fun ride while it lasted. Then move on to something else. I'd suggest not continuing to rationalize the connection away and be half-in and half-out of the M. It's wearing over time, on all parties. Of course, any party can make any choice at any time. The status-quo exists because the parties choose it to.

[Br0kens0ul]

I envision myself living a happy life. I've been reading this forum and I realize a lot of these people that offer "advice" are really very bitter. Some do offer some good words of wisdom but others a brutal. You all have to remember you are only getting one end of the story. I've never been in love with my husband and he said he also was not in love with me but in his eyes this was something that he felt could grow over time. Yes, I grew to love him we are a great team in everything we do but I have never fell in love with him. We are more like bestfriends in my eyes. Although I'm at a point were I'm ready to experience life (I'm only in my early 30s and we've been together over 10 years) he does not want to let go because he's the only man that has ever touched my body.

 

When I got pregnant with my first child we were young and experimenting. He stepped up and vowed to never leave his child life. I was too scared to say I didn't really want him in my life because I was not ready to raise a child by myself. Looking back on it I would have never been by myself because I have an awesome family. I basically went with the flow in this relationship and so did he. Because we got along so well and he was all I ever knew relationship wise also adding in another child we decided to try the marriage thing.

 

I'm not perfect and I'm still young and learning. One thing I've learned is that a lot of people have married for the wrong reasons, I'm one included. I cant say I regret it because he's an awesome dude. But I do know we're not going to last and I hope we are great friends when it end. He deserve all the happiness in the world. Although he may think I'm that happiness I know I'm not and I also know I need to work on myself ALOT before any type of relationship comes my way.

[Adotta]

Op your last post seems to pretty clearly paint your feeling on the matter. There is nothing wrong with that last post besides it being a shame you too married for that reason.

 

There is no reason besides your own fear you can't day a similar thing to your husband. It would be a lot less painful for him if you are simply a straight shooter with him. Don't let him think he failed. Let him no you two were destined to fail and take responsibility for your part in that.

 

Treat him with respect and honesty and you will find this will be easier if not easy for him. Try to empathize with him even if you don't love him. He deserves your empathy. He deserves respect.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I envision myself living a happy life. I've been reading this forum and I realize a lot of these people that offer "advice" are really very bitter. Some do offer some good words of wisdom but others a brutal. You all have to remember you are only getting one end of the story. I've never been in love with my husband and he said he also was not in love with me but in his eyes this was something that he felt could grow over time. Yes, I grew to love him we are a great team in everything we do but I have never fell in love with him. We are more like bestfriends in my eyes. Although I'm at a point were I'm ready to experience life (I'm only in my early 30s and we've been together over 10 years) he does not want to let go because he's the only man that has ever touched my body.

 

When I got pregnant with my first child we were young and experimenting. He stepped up and vowed to never leave his child life. I was too scared to say I didn't really want him in my life because I was not ready to raise a child by myself. Looking back on it I would have never been by myself because I have an awesome family. I basically went with the flow in this relationship and so did he. Because we got along so well and he was all I ever knew relationship wise also adding in another child we decided to try the marriage thing.

 

I'm not perfect and I'm still young and learning. One thing I've learned is that a lot of people have married for the wrong reasons, I'm one included. I cant say I regret it because he's an awesome dude. But I do know we're not going to last and I hope we are great friends when it end. He deserve all the happiness in the world. Although he may think I'm that happiness I know I'm not and I also know I need to work on myself ALOT before any type of relationship comes my way.

 

 

 

 

What is it that you are trying to decide?

[BaileyB]

I envision myself living a happy life. I've been reading this forum and I realize a lot of these people that offer "advice" are really very bitter. Some do offer some good words of wisdom but others a brutal. You all have to remember you are only getting one end of the story. I've never been in love with my husband and he said he also was not in love with me but in his eyes this was something that he felt could grow over time. Yes, I grew to love him we are a great team in everything we do but I have never fell in love with him. We are more like bestfriends in my eyes. Although I'm at a point were I'm ready to experience life (I'm only in my early 30s and we've been together over 10 years) he does not want to let go because he's the only man that has ever touched my body.

 

When I got pregnant with my first child we were young and experimenting. He stepped up and vowed to never leave his child life. I was too scared to say I didn't really want him in my life because I was not ready to raise a child by myself. Looking back on it I would have never been by myself because I have an awesome family. I basically went with the flow in this relationship and so did he. Because we got along so well and he was all I ever knew relationship wise also adding in another child we decided to try the marriage thing.

 

I'm not perfect and I'm still young and learning. One thing I've learned is that a lot of people have married for the wrong reasons, I'm one included. I cant say I regret it because he's an awesome dude. But I do know we're not going to last and I hope we are great friends when it end. He deserve all the happiness in the world. Although he may think I'm that happiness I know I'm not and I also know I need to work on myself ALOT before any type of relationship comes my way.

 

That is all well and good.

 

My concern was, when you leave your marriage, do you see yourself running to this OM. You have said that you want to have sex with him, but he is in a relationship. If you run to him, that may not make you a cheater but it would make him one. Just be cautious.

 

It’s good to take some time to yourself, and take care of your children. You are young and you have a lot of growing still to do in your life. My best advice is that you deal with this chapter before you move on to the next.

[Mr. Lucky]

My best advice is that you deal with this chapter before you move on to the next.

 

Agreed.

 

Br0kens0ul, no where in this thread have I heard you ask yourself "why" or express understanding of the consequences of the choice you've made

 

It's immature, unrealistic and self-destructive to claim these kind of feelings for someone you've had so little real interaction with and over this course of time. I don't think your attachment to the OM is 'love", I think he represents something else, perhaps safety or inaction. Devotion to him means you're turning you back on something pretty good right in front of you and you're off the hook in terms of participating in an actual relationship.

 

Some things to sort out...

 

Mr. Lucky