Feelings that I don't want to have

[Luvmykidz]

I have feelings for the OW that I really don't want to have. I know that blocking her on social media is the easy answer but how it will it stop me from loving her?

[BaileyB]

Well, blocking her on social media will not necessarily stop you from loving her.

 

But, I can't imagine how it will be helpful if you are seeing her everyday on social media.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know that blocking her on social media is the easy answer but how it will it stop me from loving her?

 

Luvmykidz, I have a painful, post-surgical foot. And yet I sit here, secure in the knowledge, that time and smart decisions will make it feel better.

 

Your situation is no different. Do the right things, stay NC and this too will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Luvmykidz]

Well, blocking her on social media will not necessarily stop you from loving her.

 

But, I can't imagine how it will be helpful if you are seeing her everyday on social media.

 

I guess I'm overestimating myself, thinking I can see her but be strong enough not to contact her. It's starting to hit me that I'm not in good shape with this. I've been in a daze for months now, thinking everything was fine.

[Luvmykidz]

Luvmykidz, I have a painful, post-surgical foot. And yet I sit here, secure in the knowledge, that time and smart decisions will make it feel better.

 

Your situation is no different. Do the right things, stay NC and this too will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're right. I feel like I have stayed NC but I learned here that not blocking her on social media isn't really NC. I'm struggling mightily to do it.

[Ravensglen]

Our thoughts control our emotions. Read up on Cognitive behavior theory (CBT) - I learned about it in counseling. Your thoughts are stuck on her so your feelings are, too. Change your thoughts, eventually with time and persistence, your feelings may change as well. It’s the story you are telling yourself about her in your head that is keeping you stick.

 

What do you have to lose by blocking her? Tell yourself you’re blocking her for a week as an experiment, then see if you can keep going.

[Luvmykidz]

Our thoughts control our emotions. Read up on Cognitive behavior theory (CBT) - I learned about it in counseling. Your thoughts are stuck on her so your feelings are, too. Change your thoughts, eventually with time and persistence, your feelings may change as well. It’s the story you are telling yourself about her in your head that is keeping you stick.

 

What do you have to lose by blocking her? Tell yourself you’re blocking her for a week as an experiment, then see if you can keep going.

 

OK I'll look that up today, thank you. What do I have to lose by blocking her? Good question. I have loved this woman for more than half of my life but I need think really hard to figure out why I'm struggling to cut ties completely.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like I have stayed NC but I learned here that not blocking her on social media isn't really NC.

 

No, that's not No Contact. Here's a good summary of the rules:

 

You do not call them (either on the telephone or through any Internet applications).

You do not text them or message them (either through SMS or any social media application).

You do not answer your ex's calls or reply to their texts (except in the case of an emergency).

You do not stalk your ex, either in-person or on social media sites.

You block them from all social media sites.

You do not go places where you're likely to run into your ex in order to "accidentally" bump into them.

You do not use your mutual friends in order to be updated about your ex's current status, asking if they're seeing someone else or if there's any indication they want to get back together.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Luvmykidz]

No, that's not No Contact. Here's a good summary of the rules:

 

You do not call them (either on the telephone or through any Internet applications).

You do not text them or message them (either through SMS or any social media application).

You do not answer your ex's calls or reply to their texts (except in the case of an emergency).

You do not stalk your ex, either in-person or on social media sites.

You block them from all social media sites.

You do not go places where you're likely to run into your ex in order to "accidentally" bump into them.

You do not use your mutual friends in order to be updated about your ex's current status, asking if they're seeing someone else or if there's any indication they want to get back together.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's a lot more comprehensive than I thought. I figured that ignoring was NC.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's a lot more comprehensive than I thought. I figured that ignoring was NC.

 

I think you figured you could go through the motions rather than doing the real work. If life was like that, I'd be thinner, have more hair and a larger bank account...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Luvmykidz]

I think you figured you could go through the motions rather than doing the real work. If life was like that, I'd be thinner, have more hair and a larger bank account...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Real work? Do you realize that ignoring OW and treating her as if she doesn't exist is huge for me? It's very difficult to act that way towards someone that's my best friend. It takes effort. Could I do what you suggest? Yes. When I'm ready to and not feeling conflicted about it. I'm still grieving. This is a process, I know. Each step is very difficult for me.

[BluesPower]

Real work? Do you realize that ignoring OW and treating her as if she doesn't exist is huge for me? It's very difficult to act that way towards someone that's my best friend. It takes effort. Could I do what you suggest? Yes. When I'm ready to and not feeling conflicted about it. I'm still grieving. This is a process, I know. Each step is very difficult for me.

 

Look hot rod, I don't want to be mean, but dig this. All the fairytale love stuff that you have going on, would you please get real.

 

These people are trying to help you.

 

Man up already. You either want to be married or you don't.

 

Pick a side...

[Lotsgoingon]

Someone mentioned Cognitive Behavior Therapy ...

 

And there is another aspect to that that is relevant here ... There are thoughts involved that you want to spell out ...

 

Really you need to activate your rational brain ... and get it engaged in this problem ... Are you really gonna die if you don't contact this person? Is life really empty without this person? ... Are there activities and hobbies I can engage it that would get my mind off this person ...

 

Another CBT method ... realize that just because you FEEL a certain way ... doesn't mean that the feeling is right ...Look up "CBT" and "emotional reasoning" ... and write out a response to the emotional reasoning you have going on ...

 

And then there is another method here ... sometimes we have to act first ... before we feel like acting ... and then the feelings shift later. How many times have I gone to parties against my will ... when I thought there is no way I'm in the mood for this party? ... And then I go ... and literally have the time of my life ... My feelings ahead of time ... were completely wrong ...

 

You've got to get involved in some activities, hobbies, reading ... something ... that engages your mind ... then the feelings will shift ... If you feel really stuck ... and this continues ... go see a therapist ... Really you won't even need that many sessions to loosen up the attachment-desperation you're feeling now ...

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you realize that ignoring OW and treating her as if she doesn't exist is huge for me?

 

Except you're not ignoring her and denying her existence, you're eagerly waiting by the computer for her next post online.

 

Two. different. things.

 

I'm assuming you've pulled the plug on the affair in the interest of salvaging your marriage. I'd have to assume much of this wasted emotional energy would be of benefit if placed there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Real work? Do you realize that ignoring OW and treating her as if she doesn't exist is huge for me? It's very difficult to act that way towards someone that's my best friend. It takes effort. Could I do what you suggest? Yes. When I'm ready to and not feeling conflicted about it. I'm still grieving. This is a process, I know. Each step is very difficult for me.

 

This just speaks to the fact that you are still very emotionally invested with this other woman and that you have one foot in your marriage.

 

If you are going to commit to your marriage, you need to be all in - either all in or all out. Not to be harsh, but enough already with the "woe is me" story...

 

Your wife deserves more than a man who is "trying" to fall back in love with her, while stalking another woman online.

[Luvmykidz]

Look hot rod, I don't want to be mean, but dig this. All the fairytale love stuff that you have going on, would you please get real.

 

These people are trying to help you.

 

Man up already. You either want to be married or you don't.

 

Pick a side...

 

I don't want to divorce. I do appreciate the help I'm getting though.

[Luvmykidz]

Someone mentioned Cognitive Behavior Therapy ...

 

And there is another aspect to that that is relevant here ... There are thoughts involved that you want to spell out ...

 

Really you need to activate your rational brain ... and get it engaged in this problem ... Are you really gonna die if you don't contact this person? Is life really empty without this person? ... Are there activities and hobbies I can engage it that would get my mind off this person ...

 

Another CBT method ... realize that just because you FEEL a certain way ... doesn't mean that the feeling is right ...Look up "CBT" and "emotional reasoning" ... and write out a response to the emotional reasoning you have going on ...

 

And then there is another method here ... sometimes we have to act first ... before we feel like acting ... and then the feelings shift later. How many times have I gone to parties against my will ... when I thought there is no way I'm in the mood for this party? ... And then I go ... and literally have the time of my life ... My feelings ahead of time ... were completely wrong ...

 

You've got to get involved in some activities, hobbies, reading ... something ... that engages your mind ... then the feelings will shift ... If you feel really stuck ... and this continues ... go see a therapist ... Really you won't even need that many sessions to loosen up the attachment-desperation you're feeling now ...

 

No, I wont die if I don't contact her. I haven't reached out to her in almost a year and I'm still alive. Regarding getting involved in things, my kids keep me very busy. Their life is my social life.

[Luvmykidz]

Except you're not ignoring her and denying her existence, you're eagerly waiting by the computer for her next post online.

 

Two. different. things.

 

I'm assuming you've pulled the plug on the affair in the interest of salvaging your marriage. I'd have to assume much of this wasted emotional energy would be of benefit if placed there...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not eagerly waiting but it's refreshing to see her face every now and then. I ended it to keep my marriage. I wish I could just turn it all off.

[Luvmykidz]

This just speaks to the fact that you are still very emotionally invested with this other woman and that you have one foot in your marriage.

 

If you are going to commit to your marriage, you need to be all in - either all in or all out. Not to be harsh, but enough already with the "woe is me" story...

 

Your wife deserves more than a man who is "trying" to fall back in love with her, while stalking another woman online.

 

I would like to believe otherwise but you are right. And my wife deserves more. Why doesn't she see that? Nothing I have done has helped her to see that and leave. If the roles were reversed, I would leave her.

[BaileyB]

My wife deserves more. Why doesn't she see that? Nothing I have done has helped her to see that and leave. If the roles were reversed, I would leave her.

 

But, the roles are not reversed. And I do not believe that you would have the strength to leave her. You don’t have the strength to do what is required now.

 

Does your wife realize how emotionally involved you are with this other woman?

 

My friend, if you were a man of integrity you would make the difficult decision and not wait passively, hoping that your wife will step up to be the courageous one and do what you should have done all along...

 

There is absolutely nothing to respect about a man who cheats on his wife and then says “well, what can I do? She just doesn’t want to leave. I’ve made her life hell hoping that she would take the fall and make the difficult decision, but here I sit because she just won’t do it...” I’m sorry, I don’t say this to be mean, but that is the very definition of a weak and cowardly man.

[Luvmykidz]

But, the roles are not reversed. And I do not believe that you would have the strength to leave her. You don’t have the strength to do what is required now.

 

Does your wife realize how emotionally involved you are with this other woman?

 

My friend, if you were a man of integrity you would make the difficult decision and not wait passively, hoping that your wife will step up to be the courageous one and do what you should have done all along...

 

There is absolutely nothing to respect about a man who cheats on his wife and then says “well, what can I do? She just doesn’t want to leave. I’ve made her life hell hoping that she would take the fall and make the difficult decision, but here I sit because she just won’t do it...” I’m sorry, I don’t say this to be mean, but that is the very definition of a weak and cowardly man.

 

You are a tough crowd. No, she doesn't know how emotionally involved I am with OW. She found out about her and told me if I talk to her again, it's over for the marriage. So here I am.

[BaileyB]

You are a tough crowd. No, she doesn't know how emotionally involved I am with OW. She found out about her and told me if I talk to her again, it's over for the marriage. So here I am.

 

Well, then you can't really blame her for not walking away and say "if the roles were reversed, I would leave..." She doesn't have all the information. You continue to hold all the cards...

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm hearing from you, "I don't want a divorce."

 

That's different from "I want to stay in my marriage."

 

Which is different from "I really love my wife and like her and I wanna make our marriage better."

 

But ... then you say ... that you don't know why your wife doesn't divorce you ... This statement sounds like you secretly WANT her to divorce you ... and such a move by her would eliminate the guilt, because SHE'S ending the marriage, not you.

 

So what is it that you really want?

 

Holding your nose and staying in the relationship doesn't really work.

[Luvmykidz]

Well, then you can't really blame her for not walking away and say "if the roles were reversed, I would leave..." She doesn't have all the information. You continue to hold all the cards...

 

You're right. I can't tell her I never stopped loving OW from when we were kids. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

[Luvmykidz]

I'm hearing from you, "I don't want a divorce."

 

That's different from "I want to stay in my marriage."

 

Which is different from "I really love my wife and like her and I wanna make our marriage better."

 

But ... then you say ... that you don't know why your wife doesn't divorce you ... This statement sounds like you secretly WANT her to divorce you ... and such a move by her would eliminate the guilt, because SHE'S ending the marriage, not you.

 

So what is it that you really want?

 

Holding your nose and staying in the relationship doesn't really work.

 

I have loved OW my entire marriage but I also wanted to stay in my marriage. Now is no different. My W and I get along fine, she's a funny woman and keeps me laughing. We are having fun raising the kids. I cannot abandon my family just because I love OW. That's insane. The fact that I'm M means that it's not meant to be with OW so I'm not going to force it.