Coming up on 2 years NC

[alsudduth]

Just thought I'd drop in and let everyone know that things are going fairly well here for us in R.

 

In just about a week it will be 2 years of NC with OM. It hasn't always been easy - but I know what I want more, and that is to be a person of integrity.

 

Lots of people say Once a cheater, always a cheater...but in my case I know that is not someone I ever want to be again. Not only for the pain I caused my husband and the potential pain I could have caused my kids, but also for myself. Some people can be truly remorseful. I really like to think that I've taken many of the proper steps to prove that I am even though I still have things to work on. For example I have gained quite a bit of weight. Through self reflection I have realized that I do this as a sort of defense mechanism I think. My fear is that when I lose weight, my confidence goes up, and confidence is a turn on for lots of men, and I feel like they gravitate towards me. I know that I've had poor boundaries in not handling that kind of attention well in the past, and I'm afraid to lose weight and have to deal with all that again. I would rather just feel unattractive. Obviously this is something I need to work on.

 

I deserve to be and feel beautiful, and my husband deserves a confident and happy wife. But I'm so scared to fall back into old habits even though I know it's not what I want to do, that I sabotage myself out of losing the weight. It's starting to really affect me though, I know I need to take the training wheels off and lose the weight, how can I ensure when I do that I won't fall backwards? I would like to say all day that I'll never cheat again, never ever. And I really don't think I would as I know the pain, but I also never thought I'd cheat in the first place. If you had asked me 7 years ago or so, I would have said never in a million years would my husband cheat on me nor would I cheat on him, people that cheat are the scummiest people on earth....and look where it got us...we both cheated.

 

I know my husband finds me attractive, and loves me, but when you don't feel those things about yourself it really puts a damper on things, and I don't want that to be the case. Especially when things are going so well for us.

 

Anyways, I feel like this is all over the place so if you read it great, otherwise just consider it my mind purge for the day.

[Luvmykidz]

Good for you. I hope I get to that point one day. The longest I've done is 9 months.

[Colin Grant]

"confidence is a turn on for lots of men, and I feel like they gravitate towards me"

 

Men could care less about confidence if they see you in a sexual way. I'm a man and I will tell you what makes a man gravitate to a woman. Communicative and non-communicative signals indicating sex with you is NOT out of the question, whether that be weeks or months. Not probable, but possible. No more is needed. Confident women are inherently friendly, chatty and at times, borderline flirty. It's not that men like confident women, it's that confidence allows a woman to easily engage a man in communication which is the first step to hitting a home run. Using that analogy, talking to man with ease tells him he's in the game.

 

Married or attached men with poor boundaries are really good at this. They'll make a woman thinking he's into them, when in truth they're into the p___y. Next thing you know, the woman is wondering what hit them and how could they have allowed themselves to have been reduced to prey by a predator. It's somewhat comical and sad. Grown women seemingly fall for this so often. They will say, later.

 

• He's my soulmate. (No, the p____y was his soulmate. You just happened to be attached to it).
  
• We spoke of a future of us together.
  
• I loved him and he loved me.
  
• He hates his wife and seeking ways to divorce her........
  

 

......and so on.

 

If you want to determine for sure if sincerity is present, tell him how awesome your boyfriend or husband is, brag about him and see if he sticks around. Men know when you are treating them like they're your girlfriend and they know they can't get to you if you think of them in a non-romantic way. Conversely, if you want them to pursue you, don't speak highly or at all of your boyfriend or husband. Then they will agree with you on ALL THINGS YOU say because they know, the woman will think, "he gets me".

 

He gets you because he doesn't care enough about you to disagree or challenge you. That's for husbands and boyfriends. To stay as FWB, this requires agreeing with the woman and never, ever making her think she's wrong being in your company. Much like politicians. Politicians, never disagree. They just nod and expand on what you are thinking to make you think you are smart. The prize is p___y.

[alsudduth]

"confidence is a turn on for lots of men, and I feel like they gravitate towards me"

 

 

Married or attached men with poor boundaries are really good at this. They'll make a woman thinking he's into them, when in truth they're into the p___y. Next thing you know, the woman is wondering what hit them and how could they have allowed themselves to have been reduced to prey by a predator. It's somewhat comical and sad. Grown women seemingly fall for this so often. They will say, later.

 

• He's my soulmate. (No, the p____y was his soulmate. You just happened to be attached to it).
  
• We spoke of a future of us together.
  
• I loved him and he loved me.
  
• He hates his wife and seeking ways to divorce her........
  

 

......and so on.

 

If you want to determine for sure if sincerity is present, tell him how awesome your boyfriend or husband is, brag about him and see if he sticks around. Men know when you are treating them like they're your girlfriend and they know they can't get to you if you think of them in a non-romantic way.

 

THANK YOU! This makes me feel like I can give myself a little more slack, because I AM doing these things for my husband (and for my own integrity) I make a point to say nothing negative about my husband. Even to my girlfriends. I really build him up by his positives these days, and it feels really good, actually. I also guess I do know what signs to look for when some guy strikes up a convo. I immediately identify the convo with "We's" and not "I" when speaking of my life so that it is clear that I have a "We". It does help.

[GoldenR]

I really like to think that I've taken many of the proper steps to prove that I am even though I still have things to work on. For example I have gained quite a bit of weight. Through self reflection I have realized that I do this as a sort of defense mechanism I think. My fear is that when I lose weight, my confidence goes up, and confidence is a turn on for lots of men, and I feel like they gravitate towards me.

 

So you gained a lot of weight so that way guys won't hit on you and then you won't be tempted to cheat?

 

I seriously can't believe this is real. So, you'll give skinny, hot you to AP. But for your BS, you gain a lot of weight ON PURPOSE, because if guys aren't attracted to you, you won't cheat.

 

This is insanity, and very unfair to your BH. If the weight gain is natural, fine. My wife has put on a lot of weight in recent years. Doesn't change how I feel about her or how I see her. But to do it on purpose? So guys won't want you and then you won't cheat?

 

Jesus...

 

How about staying faithful bc you love your BH? Or is that just too much to ask?

[alsudduth]

So you gained a lot of weight so that way guys won't hit on you and then you won't be tempted to cheat?

 

I seriously can't believe this is real. So, you'll give skinny, hot you to AP. But for your BS, you gain a lot of weight ON PURPOSE, because if guys aren't attracted to you, you won't cheat.

 

This is insanity, and very unfair to your BH. If the weight gain is natural, fine. My wife has put on a lot of weight in recent years. Doesn't change how I feel about her or how I see her. But to do it on purpose? So guys won't want you and then you won't cheat?

 

Jesus...

 

How about staying faithful bc you love your BH? Or is that just too much to ask?

 

No. I didn't actually consciously gain weight on purpose. My weight has always fluctuated up and down, and I feel like right now it's up because I'm afraid to feel confident.

 

As I mentioned, my husband finds me attractive, he likes me a little thicker, what he also deserves is to have a confident wife who loves herself.

 

And that is something I'm trying to work on and can admit that I'm scared about getting back due to past behaviors. I like to believe that I have made enough progress in our journey so far that my responses and interactions would be different now. It doesnt mean I can't be scared or nervous about it.

[frigginlost]

"confidence is a turn on for lots of men, and I feel like they gravitate towards me"

 

Men could care less about confidence if they see you in a sexual way. I'm a man and I will tell you what makes a man gravitate to a woman. Communicative and non-communicative signals indicating sex with you is NOT out of the question, whether that be weeks or months. Not probable, but possible. No more is needed. Confident women are inherently friendly, chatty and at times, borderline flirty. It's not that men like confident women, it's that confidence allows a woman to easily engage a man in communication which is the first step to hitting a home run. Using that analogy, talking to man with ease tells him he's in the game.

 

Married or attached men with poor boundaries are really good at this. They'll make a woman thinking he's into them, when in truth they're into the p___y. Next thing you know, the woman is wondering what hit them and how could they have allowed themselves to have been reduced to prey by a predator. It's somewhat comical and sad. Grown women seemingly fall for this so often. They will say, later.

 

• He's my soulmate. (No, the p____y was his soulmate. You just happened to be attached to it).
  
• We spoke of a future of us together.
  
• I loved him and he loved me.
  
• He hates his wife and seeking ways to divorce her........
  

 

......and so on.

 

If you want to determine for sure if sincerity is present, tell him how awesome your boyfriend or husband is, brag about him and see if he sticks around. Men know when you are treating them like they're your girlfriend and they know they can't get to you if you think of them in a non-romantic way. Conversely, if you want them to pursue you, don't speak highly or at all of your boyfriend or husband. Then they will agree with you on ALL THINGS YOU say because they know, the woman will think, "he gets me".

 

He gets you because he doesn't care enough about you to disagree or challenge you. That's for husbands and boyfriends. To stay as FWB, this requires agreeing with the woman and never, ever making her think she's wrong being in your company. Much like politicians. Politicians, never disagree. They just nod and expand on what you are thinking to make you think you are smart. The prize is p___y.

 

This post needs to be pinned!!

 

Outstanding stuff, Colin.

 

Ladies, this information Colin has put forth is GOLD. This is how men "test the waters" with women. This is also how a player lines up a victim.

 

Take note of the words on "testing" a males intention regarding talking about your boyfriend or significant other. I actually "reverse test" a woman who seems "flirty" with me who has a significant other. If she responds with great words of her significant other, I know that she (and her significant other) are possible friends in the making. If she utters anything negative about him, I point her in the direction of players...

[alsudduth]

Made it past the 2 year mark with NC. It was easier than I thought considering I just spent the last week in my hometown (where OM lives) with my parents, my brother and his kids and my kids. My husband couldn't come.

 

I really tried to not leave my parents house too often for fear of running into him (it's a small town) This isn't the first time I've been back to my hometown, but it's the first time I've been back for such a long stay.

 

I focused on checking in with my H, hanging out with my brother and nieces who I hadn't seen in about 3 years, and hanging out with a couple friends with my brother included vs going out by myself.

 

It was actually over all a great trip. I even did a couple of massages (Former career) for some extra money to do fun stuff with the kids while we were there. I was happy to get home and see my H, and I believe he was happy to have me home as well.

[burnt]

With respect...

 

There's something "off" with your posts and I'm not sure what. I do not meant to offend you--I'm just trying to understand what's going on.

 

(1) May I ask about the meaning behind the picture you chose as your avatar? A woman dressed sexually, with an appearance of a cold hearted person, with blood on her and in her mouth... A strange choice, I must say. Is that how you view yourself? Is that a form of self hate you invented to "punish" yourself to redeem yourself of your past crime?

 

(2) Why does it sound like in everything you are saying that you are "trying" hard and forcing yourself to love and respect your husband? Do you love your husband because you actually feel it or because you think that's what you are supposed to do?

 

(3) In your recent visit back to your hometown, why does it sound like you are afraid of running into the OM? What are you afraid of? What would happen if you did see him?

 

(4) You sound as if you are extremely proud of maintaining NC for two entire years with OM. Meaning what... that you have felt tempted to reestablish contact with him? What do you feel when he crosses your mind? What emotions run through your mind when you think of him?

 

(5) Your entire comment about using your weight as a buffer to keep men away from you--very strange. Again, so does that mean if you lose weight and men approach you, you will fall into another affair? Is your weight your only defense against approaching men who may get you into affairs?

 

FYI:

I am an xOW.

I have been in strict NC for about four years and I am not afraid of 'bumping' into him. I see him as a sub-human now--it would have no effect on me other than disgust and annoyance to see him or hear from him.

 

 

I agree with you that not everyone falls into "once a cheater always a cheater". I know at this point the sight and sound of a cheater makes my skin crawl and I would never engage in an act as that again--but I don't feel like it's something I have to "work at". I just find the entire notion beneath human level and UGLY.

 

I get the feeling you are trying hard to convince yourself of something -- why am I getting the sense that you are forcing yourself to believe that you actually do love your husband, when deep down you actually don't feel that way.

 

To add, it doesn't sound like you actually feel loved by your husband either. It sounds to me you are telling yourself and reciting loving things just so that in time you can actually convince yourself that both you and your husband love each other.

 

Am I wrong?

I am sorry if I am--but sorry I'm sensing something odd and off here.

[FMW]

I actually do get what she's saying about the weight. If you don't have that "issue" then I can understand why it's hard to believe.

 

It's a subconscious thing, it's not something that you purposely do. Some of us hide behind the weight for various reasons. I've done it before because I felt like withdrawing and being left alone and didn't want to attract attention for some reason. It's a self protection tool. And even when you realize it's happening it's really hard to get a handle on. She's not purposely disrespecting her husband.

 

But it does mean something needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. So alsudduth you need to do some work on figuring out what the problem is - still stuck on xAP, not in love with your H, something in your past - and then come up with a solution. You shouldn't have to be white knuckling it after 2 years.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I actually do get what she's saying about the weight. If you don't have that "issue" then I can understand why it's hard to believe.

 

It's a subconscious thing, it's not something that you purposely do. Some of us hide behind the weight for various reasons. I've done it before because I felt like withdrawing and being left alone and didn't want to attract attention for some reason. It's a self protection tool. And even when you realize it's happening it's really hard to get a handle on. She's not purposely disrespecting her husband.

 

But it does mean something needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. So alsudduth you need to do some work on figuring out what the problem is - still stuck on xAP, not in love with your H, something in your past - and then come up with a solution. You shouldn't have to be white knuckling it after 2 years.

 

I agree about the weight as well. I put on weight since the whole A mess. My H recently said I look like a real mom now. This is not a compliment. For me it's not so much that I put on weight so men would not find me attractive (I still get hit on as men are not as strict about the weight thing as women think) but more that I hated myself and just took no self care. So I get it. I recently started back losing weight and I'm not sure I'll be shopping in Forever 21 but H likes a certain type wife, and I liked being that person, and we both deserve it.

 

I did not want to post as I really have never spoken to alsudduth but yes, it is a bit off to be counting NC at this point. It should be like any other ending. You just move on. Obviously the OP has not moved on, mentally at least. IMHO it is fantasy at this point but who am I to say.

[DKT3]

With respect...

 

There's something "off" with your posts and I'm not sure what. I do not meant to offend you--I'm just trying to understand what's going on.

 

(1) May I ask about the meaning behind the picture you chose as your avatar? A woman dressed sexually, with an appearance of a cold hearted person, with blood on her and in her mouth... A strange choice, I must say. Is that how you view yourself? Is that a form of self hate you invented to "punish" yourself to redeem yourself of your past crime?

 

(2) Why does it sound like in everything you are saying that you are "trying" hard and forcing yourself to love and respect your husband? Do you love your husband because you actually feel it or because you think that's what you are supposed to do?

 

(3) In your recent visit back to your hometown, why does it sound like you are afraid of running into the OM? What are you afraid of? What would happen if you did see him?

 

(4) You sound as if you are extremely proud of maintaining NC for two entire years with OM. Meaning what... that you have felt tempted to reestablish contact with him? What do you feel when he crosses your mind? What emotions run through your mind when you think of him?

 

(5) Your entire comment about using your weight as a buffer to keep men away from you--very strange. Again, so does that mean if you lose weight and men approach you, you will fall into another affair? Is your weight your only defense against approaching men who may get you into affairs?

 

FYI:

I am an xOW.

I have been in strict NC for about four years and I am not afraid of 'bumping' into him. I see him as a sub-human now--it would have no effect on me other than disgust and annoyance to see him or hear from him.

 

 

I agree with you that not everyone falls into "once a cheater always a cheater". I know at this point the sight and sound of a cheater makes my skin crawl and I would never engage in an act as that again--but I don't feel like it's something I have to "work at". I just find the entire notion beneath human level and UGLY.

 

I get the feeling you are trying hard to convince yourself of something -- why am I getting the sense that you are forcing yourself to believe that you actually do love your husband, when deep down you actually don't feel that way.

 

To add, it doesn't sound like you actually feel loved by your husband either. It sounds to me you are telling yourself and reciting loving things just so that in time you can actually convince yourself that both you and your husband love each other.

 

Am I wrong?

I am sorry if I am--but sorry I'm sensing something odd and off here.

 

I've said the same to her since she very first started posting here. It's like she believes staying is the "RIGHT THING " to do, but not what she really wants.

 

The weight thing is an extension of that, she is sending a message that if guys hit on her she would go for it, as well as going out of her way to avoid OM.

 

With that being said, I do see progress.

[alsudduth]

With respect...

 

There's something "off" with your posts and I'm not sure what. I do not meant to offend you--I'm just trying to understand what's going on.

 

(1) May I ask about the meaning behind the picture you chose as your avatar? A woman dressed sexually, with an appearance of a cold hearted person, with blood on her and in her mouth... A strange choice, I must say. Is that how you view yourself? Is that a form of self hate you invented to "punish" yourself to redeem yourself of your past crime?

 

There is no meaning. I didn't want a pic of myself, and I just like zombies, and that is a picture of Marilyn Monroe as a Zombie. I also have zombie pics saved of Audrey Hepburn, Nicolas Cage, Bill Murray and David Bowie.

 

(2) Why does it sound like in everything you are saying that you are "trying" hard and forcing yourself to love and respect your husband? Do you love your husband because you actually feel it or because you think that's what you are supposed to do?

 

I love my husband. It is certainly guarded now, and a different kind of love than the young ideal I had of love when I was a teenager or even when we first got married, but I love him nonetheless and so yes, I do try everyday to remember where we've been, where we want to go, and how to get there. It's not like every day I get up and give myself a pep talk about how I can get through this day, that doesn't happen at all. But I do make an effort every day to be better than I was the day before, not just a better wife, but a better me.

 

(3) In your recent visit back to your hometown, why does it sound like you are afraid of running into the OM? What are you afraid of? What would happen if you did see him?

 

I don't want to run into him. If I had seen him, I would be concerned that my husband would think it wasn't an accident. That would be the main reason I would be afraid of running into him.

 

(4) You sound as if you are extremely proud of maintaining NC for two entire years with OM. Meaning what... that you have felt tempted to reestablish contact with him? What do you feel when he crosses your mind? What emotions run through your mind when you think of him?

 

I am proud. This was a long term emotional affair. The fact that I've been NC almost as long as the affair lasted is big for me. I am not tempted to reach out to him.

The main emotion that runs through my mind when I think of him is embarrassment and shame.

 

 

 

 

I agree with you that not everyone falls into "once a cheater always a cheater". I know at this point the sight and sound of a cheater makes my skin crawl and I would never engage in an act as that again--but I don't feel like it's something I have to "work at". I just find the entire notion beneath human level and UGLY.

 

I'm not working at "not cheating" I'm working at fixing the things that led me down that path in the first place.

 

I get the feeling you are trying hard to convince yourself of something -- why am I getting the sense that you are forcing yourself to believe that you actually do love your husband, when deep down you actually don't feel that way.

 

There are lots of things about my husband that I do not love. As I'm sure there is plenty about me he doesn't love. Just as there are lots of things we DO love about each other.

 

 

Everything I've read says reconciliation takes at a minimum 2 years, My husband and my story of the worst part of our marriage lasted almost 5 years starting with him cheating and asking for a divorce, to me cheating and getting caught, to me finding out he was still lying about his affair as recently as a year ago. There is a lot to heal. So yes, things are not perfect, and yes we still have to work at our marriage, but I don't want to be anywhere else.