ItsameMaria Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 My husband and I have always had a very honest loving relationship. So much trust it made other people grossed out. My husband went to his high school reunion last night lone. He’s known about it since February, said no way, and then changed his mind a few days ago that he really wanted to go. He told me that there was this one girl he did want to see (making me think she was his whole reason for changing his mind on going) They never dated in high school, he just said she was really nice to him. One of his friends went live on FB and I saw some pretty hard-core flirting between them. I texted him and told him that I feel really uncomfortable and insecure right now. He said I didn’t notice flirting and continued hanging out with her (and of course others for another 3 hours) Well they exchanged numbers. He said he felt bad for her because she’s going through a rough divorce. He said he hesitated when she asked for his but he still gave it to her. This is unprecedented in our relationship. He still sees it as no harm but the fact is this one person was the reason for his going and ends in a number exchange. This is the very first time in my life I’ve ever had to deal with this sort of thing and I’m not taking it too well. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 Put your foot down! Seriously this is over stepping his boundaries. Tell him how would he like it of you did this with some guy at a party. See what he says. This is unacceptable. If he digs his heels in, put his stuff out on the stoop and tell him to live somewhere else. Is it cheating? not yet, but it is betrayal. Make him feel your wrath. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsameMaria Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 Is it cheating? not yet, but it is betrayal. Make him feel your wrath. Betrayed. That’s the perfect word for how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 To me, there is no such thing as "mild cheating." Either, he is being faithful and respecting healthy boundaries with other women, or he is not. And, he is not. It's his decision, he either respects your feelings and stops contacting and flirting with this woman. Or, he doesn't. In which case, the intent is clear. He values this blooming "relationship" with this other woman more than he values his relationship with his wife. I wouldn't be very happy either... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 I can't tell you how many affairs start out like this. Her divorce isn't his problem but it could become a problem for your marriage. Better deal with this right now. Before it goes any further if it hasnt already 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 He told me that there was this one girl he did want to see (making me think she was his whole reason for changing his mind on going) Disclosed he changed his mind about going to reunion and told you why. One of his friends went live on FB and I saw some pretty hard-core flirting between them Whatever it was it was in full public view and broadcast live on Facebook. He said I didn’t notice flirting and continued hanging out with her (and of course others for another 3 hours) Answered text at the venue and gave his opinion. Remained at the reunion. Well they exchanged numbers. He said he felt bad for her because she’s going through a rough divorce. He said he hesitated when she asked for his but he still gave it to her. Volunteered this? More disclosure. --------------- Not seeing deception here, a hallmark of cheating. Inappropriate behavior in your marriage, apparently. Compare this to other socializing you and he do. Out of character here? Typical? How is he with your female friends? His male friend's spouses? Etc, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 I hate FB live. You know it's now against the law to post pictures or video of people without their express permission in the UK now. If your husband wants to see this woman or go out where she will be there, you go too. If she is no threat she will easily be friends with you too. If not, she will quickly fade away. Giving your husband an ultimatum may backfire. You will only make contacting the woman seem more enticing, especially since he feels sorry for her. Men love birds with broken wings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 It's not cheating, not even mild cheating (whatever the heck that is). Your husband was kind to a woman he knew a lifetime ago. There might have been some flirting. The flirting may be inching up to a line that shouldn't be crossed but the flirting itself is not cheating. If this woman calls your husband for marital advice amid her divorce, his reaction will say everything. If he says why don't you come over & have dinner with my wife & me because ItsameMarie will have some good advice for you, then you have nothing to worry about. If he starts getting sucked into the drama of her life, then you need to learn more about emotional affairs & convince him to be more transparent in his dealings with her as well as to interact with her less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 You have a right to be concerned ... I was listening to a marital therapist a few years ago ... and this therapist was speaking about times people were vulnerable to having affairs. Those times were, often as not, times when the person did NOT think anything was happening ... Near the top of the list: having dinner with an old flame ... or running into someone at a high school reunion. There could be some innocence in your husband's little crush ... Definitely confront him ... Don't minimize your fear ... that fear and worry and jealousy is your alarm system. Pay attention. But no, he did not cheat ... and as long as he told her about you and didn't hide you ... he didn't even betray you ... He was possibly naive ... or in a high-school crush state ... might just be a nice little passing feeling he has ... he now gets to talk to a girl he was afraid to talk to years ago ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Indeed, it appears the husband broached the idea of an open marriage last year, the first post focusing mostly on his desire for the OP to explore her pleasure: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/631726-my-husband-i-considering-open-marriage At that time, OP felt confident that H wasn't secretly cheating and looking for an out. How's that going OP? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Indeed, it appears the husband broached the idea of an open marriage last year, the first post focusing mostly on his desire for the OP to explore her pleasure: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/631726-my-husband-i-considering-open-marriage At that time, OP felt confident that H wasn't secretly cheating and looking for an out. How's that going OP? It would seem that he’s decided on a new partner... I’m sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 IDK, OP seemed pretty confident that cheating wasn't a part of her H's personality, along with circumstances generally inhibiting it. However, I get the dynamic a bit better now, since apparently the OP is bi-sexual: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/611474-happily-married-man-desire-touch-woman I've met MW's like this. One I know in particular is opened to women by her H but not men, meaning her sexual interactions with other women aren't considered a breach of the marital agreement (infidelity). It appears this marriage is a bit more complex than a high school reunion flirtation might indicate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 He said he felt bad for her because she’s going through a rough divorce. He said he hesitated when she asked for his but he still gave it to her. This is unprecedented in our relationship. He still sees it as no harm but the fact is this one person was the reason for his going and ends in a number exchange. This is the very first time in my life I’ve ever had to deal with this sort of thing and I’m not taking it too well. i wonder what support he could offer someone he hasn't seen in decades, a virtual stranger? And why he'd value her needs above your obvious discomfort? Cheating, no. Suspicious, yes. Plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 I can't believe the men are being so black and white! No, obviously husband and ex-classmate didn't do anything at the reunion. It's about what's going on in his head right now and about the possibility of an emotional connection/relationship starting. The bottom line is that her intuition is piqued and things are not normal. That is not to be dismissed by LS analysis based on the limited information available in a narrative post. People delude themselves as well as others when they're doing something they really, really want to do but have good reasons why they shouldn't do them. They dismiss, minimize, rationalize and generally distort reality. They don't tell everything they're thinking and say just enough to get someone who's questioning their behavior to leave them alone. "Disclosure" can be partial truth, just enough truth to justify actions. The main thing is, if she saw them flirting, why completely discount her perception because what he's said and done isn't YET. If she's uncomfortable, why isn't that valid? Why should that be dismissed because he (apparently) seemed to follow some unwritten guideline. Why does she have to prove herself? I think she has good reason to feel uncomfortable and that should be more important to him than (supposedly) helping out an old high school classmate, which, by the way, is about as lame as it gets. She needed helping out THEN maybe, but if she's hot now, successful and available, she'll be vulnerable and appreciative. He's no fool. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 OP, I did something similar at my 20 yr reunion I was with my wife, hit it off with an female acquaintance...I did not date her back then....swapped numbers..yada yada, and I didn't really realize my wife's perspective at that moment. I was read the riot act on the way home with the wife...got my mind right and through out contact info. Mea culpa! Do the same with you husband...tell him he has crossed a line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 I suspect that he... may have crossed the line in a way that throwing away the number would not fix it. Hopefully not... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 OP, I did something similar at my 20 yr reunion I was with my wife, hit it off with an female acquaintance...I did not date her back then....swapped numbers..yada yada, and I didn't really realize my wife's perspective at that moment. I was read the riot act on the way home with the wife...got my mind right and through out contact info. Mea culpa! Well, there you go. ItsameMaria, I'd be curious to know your H's reaction when you told him how uncomfortable this made you? It might be telling... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 My husband went to his high school reunion last night lone. He’s known about it since February, said no way, and then changed his mind a few days ago that he really wanted to go. He told me that there was this one girl he did want to see (making me think she was his whole reason for changing his mind on going) He said he felt bad for her because she’s going through a rough divorce. In post #1 of a previous thread that you posted, you stated that "It was seeming once sided so we discussed when he goes on guy trips or conventions that I wouldn't mind him having a one nighter here and there when he's away." Well your husband went on a trip without you, primarily to see a particular girl that is going through a divorce, and he did so with your permission to have "a one nighter" when he's away. Of course they exchanged numbers, after sleeping with her it would have been rude not to; after all it's common courtesy to call the next morning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SunGenie Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Lonely divorcee needing attention. He is giving it to her. Wrong on all counts. He should have never given her his phone number. She is feeding his ego and he is opening the door to an emotional affair. If he refuses to ignore her, call her and tell her your husband is not available, find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Cheating? Not necessarily. But if you told him you were not comfortable and he ignored it or justified his behavior, completely out of line and disrespectful. And after reading about past experiences, I'm not sure how you can say you fully trust him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
inpeices Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 It's not cheating, not even mild cheating (whatever the heck that is). Your husband was kind to a woman he knew a lifetime ago. There might have been some flirting. The flirting may be inching up to a line that shouldn't be crossed but the flirting itself is not cheating. If this woman calls your husband for marital advice amid her divorce, his reaction will say everything. If he says why don't you come over & have dinner with my wife & me because ItsameMarie will have some good advice for you, then you have nothing to worry about. If he starts getting sucked into the drama of her life, then you need to learn more about emotional affairs & convince him to be more transparent in his dealings with her as well as to interact with her less. Sorry but this is exactly how affairs start, and exactly what happened to me.. I invited the other person into the home to offer support and they ended up in an affair with my ex. So really, one has to ask, was this re-union excluding partners and if so, on a base level, is the relationship between the poster and husband ok? If there are underlying issues or a hidden history with this girl from the past, this should be explored/checked out thoroughly before jumping to any conclusions.. Transparency by posting a video for all to see might seem stupid if you are interested in having an affair.. but as a well seasoned cheater once told me.. the best lies are closest to the truth. Anything that rattled your gut instinct is worthy of looking at, unless you are emotionally unstable or otherwise, it is rarely wrong.. Link to post Share on other sites
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