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Just found out about wife's 3 year affair


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A few weeks ago I discovered an from 2-2018 email by accident that she sent to someone I did not know. In the letter, she was asking forgivingness about something that happened 4 months earlier at the airport. she was expressing her desire to be with him and divorcing me, and that their 3-year relationship should not be just tossed away. She said they only been together twice. He lives 1000 miles away.

 

In the letter, she said sometime about all the trips they took together. She only traveled alone to 5 places that I know about because I have to take care of the girls and they were all for work. I know 2 times and I ask about the other trip and she said no.

 

I confronted her about and after a denial that he was just an old friend from school. i told her what i read. she admitted to the relationship. I also found an airline receipt where she paid $900 to fly him to a city she was in that month. she lied about that as well but soon admitted.

She says it over and i believe he but no real proof.

 

We had our own issue with my lack of affection and deal with ED. I'm more than a decade older than my wife, but we have two wonderful kids 9 and 5. We spoke about our issues but not really and i never confided about the ED issue either. Meds were really expensive and we didn't extra money for that.

 

We agreed to try to work it out...but she has said it many years of my lack of attention and was it really going to change. we are going to see a counselor but can't get in for 20 more days. We are still together and I've been giving her the space she wants for now. For now its civil and we talk about how are feeling are going, but she keeps saying it going to take time and baby steps. I love her still and I want things to work out for us and the kids. We are both on second marriages. I asked if she was sorry for what she did and she said yes but does not seem remorseful.

 

Her best friend knew about this because she helped edit her letter to him. She works with her daily and they are traveling with the kids in a couple weeks, and this friend of hers is also going a divorce. My point is I'm not sure how to do what she said I didn't do for so long and now said it only trying because we are in this mess. She really has not opened up about this whole thing and wants to discuss with a counselor when we meet in 20 days. in the meantime, I'm going nuts trying not to mess this up any more than it is.

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They had a 3 year relationship while you were married?

 

She spent $900+ so they could be together, but there wasn't enough money for medication?

 

I've been through this, it really sucks. You might be in shock right now, because I was when I found out. She made decisions every day for 3 years to keep this from you. That's pretty much countless lies from the person that you're supposed to trust more than anything. That's a lot to swallow.

 

I'd speak with a lawyer, and whatever you do, don't let her minimize what she's done, and don't let her blame you. If she was that unhappy she could have talked it out with you, or at least suggested divorce.

 

She acted like an entitled child while she had her cake and ate it too.

 

Don't stand for it. Respect yourself.

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So, I have not had coffee today, thus I will be very blunt, but I am not bashing you.

 

1. You have already blamed yourself for the affair. ED and lack of affection and you did not confide in her about your ED. Yeah, that is not an excuse for a 3 year affair.

 

2. You admit neglecting your wife for a bit, so I am gonna have to ask how you thought that your marriage was going? I mean, you can't hide ED. Either it gets up or not. Besides, you still have hands and a mouth, so unless she did not like those, ED was not a deal breaker. OF course, not talking to your wife about ED is not a good sign of a healthy relationship anyway. Doesn't excuse cheating.

 

3. You acknowledge that she needs space from you. Think about that for a minute. She, the cheater, needs space. She, the cheater, is not sorry. You, however, are sorry or whatever guilt emotion that you feel.

 

4. You are either going to (A) put up with whatever crap she dishes, make excuses for her, argue with forum folks who call for ANY type of measures or who talk bad about her and you will be miserable and constantly "lost" as to what to do OR, (B) you won't and instead, choose to take action, demand immediate changes and accountability or alternatively work to end this marriage. If you want to be successful, whether you D or R, you should pick B.

 

5. R or D is your choice, but she was planning to leave you and had no problem spending $900.00 which I can't figure out why you did not use some of that cash to buy some ED pills. Seriously, what's up with that? That part makes no sense. You had it laying around and not a single blue pill? Really?!

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Start setting some firm guidelines!

 

She either does these things or you divorce her immediately!

 

Expose to all family... including OM's wife if he's married!

 

She quits that job today!

 

She ditches the friend immediately - the one who helped her cheat!

 

She either gives you 200% of her energy or she's out.

 

She does counseling to find out why she's so broken that she couldn't be honest with you - her husband!

 

Stop allowing her to blame you for anything that has to do with HER cheating!!!! That's dispicable of her!

 

If she won't do all those things - pack her one bag and change the locks and file for divorce. Make sure you keep the kids.

 

Stop being so nice to her... she's not been nice to you!

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Why is it always like this...

 

First off, wake up a little. What you need to know is that she is lying about everything. Get that? She has screwed him absolutely as many times as possible, in three years.

 

You know she flew him to her city for a month. So right there you know she is lying.

 

Frankly, it does not matter if it was 2 time or 2000 times.

 

So let's get that clear first off.

 

Next, dude it was a 3 year affair, 3 YEARS, it is really hard to come back from that, not to mention the fact that she wanted to leave you and go to him.

 

Are you with me so far.

 

So lets talk about the ED, not that you need to have sex with her, but the overseas stuff works just a well as the name brand, and for a lot less that 900.00.

 

Are you with me so far? If you understand this, then reply and I will spoon feed you the rest.

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They had a 3 year relationship while you were married?

 

She spent $900+ so they could be together, but there wasn't enough money for medication?

 

I've been through this, it really sucks. You might be in shock right now, because I was when I found out. She made decisions every day for 3 years to keep this from you. That's pretty much countless lies from the person that you're supposed to trust more than anything. That's a lot to swallow.

 

I'd speak with a lawyer, and whatever you do, don't let her minimize what she's done, and don't let her blame you. If she was that unhappy she could have talked it out with you, or at least suggested divorce.

 

She acted like an entitled child while she had her cake and ate it too.

 

Don't stand for it. Respect yourself.

All valid points. The $900 was her credit card, not mine. We have always had separate credit cards but joint on house cars and other large purchases.

Oh I’m pissed, but to me and the kids I want to see if she willing to be remorseful and willing to fix this....I’ll know after first session if she really going make this work or just going through the motions in a effort to save face.

One important point I failed to say. A month after we started dating I cheated on her and in the end we married the next year. But it the only time. I realize 10 years of marriage is not even comparable to one month and a single indiscretion.

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All cheaters lie lime hell. That's all you're getting.

 

Jumping into R was a huge mistake. You should have taken dome time to think it through.

 

Inform her other mans wife immediately without warning. Ding make a mistake of helping them hide their affair.

 

Get checked for STDs. You don't know where this other guy has been.

 

You are going to get trickle truthed and gaslighted.

 

Blaming yourself is foolish. You didn't cause her yo have a long term affair.

 

You don't wake up you're going yo get played badly.

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OH god jumped tight into marriage counseling too.

 

You get a bad one they'll blame it on you and you'll go down the path of saving the marriage at all cost. That cost will be all yours.

 

She's been with another man over 30% of your marriage.

 

You are heading down the path of limbo hell.

 

You don't wake up you'll wallow in this awhile. You wife is a cake eater. Stop feeding her.

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OH god jumped tight into marriage counseling too.

 

You get a bad one they'll blame it on you and you'll go down the path of saving the marriage at all cost. That cost will be all yours.

 

She's been with another man over 30% of your marriage.

 

You are heading down the path of limbo hell.

 

You don't wake up you'll wallow in this awhile. You wife is a cake eater. Stop feeding her.

 

Marc I don't think... he is anywhere close to understanding.

 

He is working in another city for Christ's sake.

 

Buy what he has written so far, think this one is lost...

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Give me one good reason why YOU should go to counseling?

 

Have HER go! SHE cheated - she's broken! She needs the help, not you!

 

Reconciling? You need to inform her right now that you haven't decided whether you wish to reconcile! That it will depend upon her actions and IF she repairs all this damage she's cheated.

 

Threaten divorce. You haven't made your wife nearly uncomfortable enough to change everything about herself!

 

Comfortable = she will cheat again.

 

 

What consequences has she had?

 

Is she actually still working that job? If she doesn't quit asap - YOU file for divorce!

 

And now we know why she has had a separate credit card. That card closes too. All her separate ways she hides things from you close - including her email and cell phone.

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Read some of the threads here. You will not e the ones that sounds like what you are doing never work out. You’re being a pushover and women do not respect that.

 

How long has ED been a problem? Do you watch a lot of porn? It may have something to do with the way you have been treated by her too. You seem to think she doesn’t know about it, why?

 

Have you found out who he is? Is he married? The first thing is always inform his wife. Not doing this inured failure.

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Next, dude it was a 3 year affair, 3 YEARS, it is really hard to come back from that, not to mention the fact that she wanted to leave you and go to him.

 

Exactly. eg1460, 3 years isn't an affair, it's a double-life. And it sounds like she's so vested in it that, even caught red-handed, she can't commit to you.

 

I'm normally for marriage and working it out. But, in your case, I'd save myself an awful lot of heartache and file for divorce. Your wife isn't sorry, she's sorry she got caught...

 

Mr. Lucky

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So she cheated on you, and she's the one calling the shots in reconciliation?

 

What. The. ****.

 

Do you seriously not see anything wrong with that? If your answer is no, then you'd best prepare for a lifetime of heartache and heartbreak dealing with her stepping out over and over and over again. If she knows she can walk all over you AFTER you've caught her cheating, well then she will see you as nothing more than the perfect patsy husband that will provide stability and security, yet shell get her sex elsewhere.

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I see that you chose option A. So as it seems, your cheating back when you first started dating makes 3 years of cheating less bad.

 

Prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. Let me give you a way to think about any excuse you make for her or any credit you give for your shortcomings. Here goes: Imagine that she had to come and tell you of each problem in your marriage. Every time she told you a problem, you had tell her how you think to resolve that problem. Now, how many of those problems would cause you to say, "go sleep with AP"?

 

Let's practice. Honey, remember you cheated when we were dating? You reply. Go sleep with AP. Her: hey babe, you are not having sex with me. You: Go sleep with AP. Her: Lot's of stuff is happening that I don't like. You: Go sleep with AP for 3 years just to cover all of my shortcomings.

 

If it works for you.

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somanymistakes

This is not going to work out. She is USED to snowing you and getting whatever she wants!

 

You need to get out of this situation and look after yourself. She certainly is not going to.

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Superchicken

So, what I read is that she lies until you provide proof, then she admits it.

 

 

She'll keep lying until you prove otherwise, you know that yes..

So what's Truth, and what's Lies with her, and your lives together.

That's not a life, its a habit.

 

 

Break the bad habit, and find a real life, were you don't question everything.

 

 

Ted.

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A few weeks ago I discovered an from 2-2018 email by accident that she sent to someone I did not know. In the letter, she was asking forgivingness about something that happened 4 months earlier at the airport. she was expressing her desire to be with him and divorcing me, and that their 3-year relationship should not be just tossed away. She said they only been together twice. He lives 1000 miles away.

 

In the letter, she said sometime about all the trips they took together. She only traveled alone to 5 places that I know about because I have to take care of the girls and they were all for work. I know 2 times and I ask about the other trip and she said no.

 

I confronted her about and after a denial that he was just an old friend from school. i told her what i read. she admitted to the relationship. I also found an airline receipt where she paid $900 to fly him to a city she was in that month. she lied about that as well but soon admitted.

She says it over and i believe he but no real proof.

 

We had our own issue with my lack of affection and deal with ED. I'm more than a decade older than my wife, but we have two wonderful kids 9 and 5. We spoke about our issues but not really and i never confided about the ED issue either. Meds were really expensive and we didn't extra money for that.

 

We agreed to try to work it out...but she has said it many years of my lack of attention and was it really going to change. we are going to see a counselor but can't get in for 20 more days. We are still together and I've been giving her the space she wants for now. For now its civil and we talk about how are feeling are going, but she keeps saying it going to take time and baby steps. I love her still and I want things to work out for us and the kids. We are both on second marriages. I asked if she was sorry for what she did and she said yes but does not seem remorseful.

 

Her best friend knew about this because she helped edit her letter to him. [/b]She works with her daily and they are traveling with the kids in a couple weeks, and this friend of hers is also going a divorce. My point is I'm not sure how to do what she said I didn't do for so long and now said it only trying because we are in this mess. She really has not opened up about this whole thing and wants to discuss with a counselor when we meet in 20 days. in the meantime, I'm going nuts trying not to mess this up any more than it is.

 

Please read the bold print a few times. Friend, she was preparing to take your two children and leave you for the other man and her friend was helping her with that. For a big part of your marriage your wife had a secret life with another man, why do you want her back, what is it you want back? Do not waste your money on marriage counselling until your wife gets independent help as to why she gave herself the approval to have a three year relationship with another man. She was only part time, a part time marriage never works, it's guaranteed to fail. I suggest you take your time deciding if you stay married to her, at least until she can prove to you she is a safe partner.

 

Expose the affair to the other man's wife or girlfriend, that is an absolute must. Talk to a lawyer regardless, you need to know your rights and you need no less then a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Your wife is broken and the onus is on her to fix her issues and prove to you that she is worth being married to. Read up on the 180 and implement the behaviors you need to protect yourself while you decide your future with her. She has shown you that if the opportunity arises and she thinks she can get away with it she will act on the opportunity. She is sh*tty wife material by her actions. Get rid of the friend, the friend is not a friend of the marriage. Don't settle, never settle, your worth it and stop accepting her blame shifting. The worst form of disrespect a wife can show to her husband is to cheat on him, a 3 year relationship with another man is one hell of a lot of disrespect. Most men would never get over that amount of humiliation. Talk to a lawyer, stop letting someone who makes really shi**y choices have that much control over your future and the future of your children.

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RideTheLightening
All valid points. The $900 was her credit card, not mine. We have always had separate credit cards but joint on house cars and other large purchases.

Oh I’m pissed, but to me and the kids I want to see if she willing to be remorseful and willing to fix this....I’ll know after first session if she really going make this work or just going through the motions in a effort to save face.

One important point I failed to say. A month after we started dating I cheated on her and in the end we married the next year. But it the only time. I realize 10 years of marriage is not even comparable to one month and a single indiscretion.

 

Here is the thing. She cheated on you because you acted like a weak man... a doormat. Even now she blames the whole thing on you and you just accept it... afraid she might leave.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but there is nothing in the world women despise more than a weak man. You may think of this as strength and maybe it is... but she despises it and will give you all the mercy of a shark.

 

My greatest suggestion is to show her your strength. Boot her out. Make her earn back your affections. Cut off any access she has to your money. Do things like this to show her that you will not be pushed around. Be a hard man. Do the hard thing. If you don't... even your children will grow up to look down on your weak cowardice. Nobody will love a man who lacks a spine.

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She is lying plain and simple that they were only together two times. Read past stories in this forum; it's ALWAYS like that. The cheater minimizes and, because the betrayed spouse doesn't have a reference and is used to trusting his spouse, he believes her.

 

Regardless, you know there was an affair. You know she lied about several things. It's therefore not much of a jump that she's lying about how much they were together. You need to accept this and realize that you didn't "mess things up." She did, and she's not even that sorry. In fact, she's begrudgingly agreed to give him up and work on her marriage with you and only too happy to blame you!

 

You are worth more than this, and she has proven that she is not worth any of the agony you're putting yourself through. Worse, you're making it easy for her not to be remorseful by rushing to counseling and trying to fix the giant crater she just blasted out of your marriage. Know that it's rare to get a counselor that doesn't expect you to share evenly in the responsibility and effort to move forward. But it's not even and you will not be able to ignore the ever-widening hole in your gut. Take it from me, this is an agonizing effort, if you trying to focus on mending the relationship while ignoring the colossal hole in you. Trying to do marriage counseling before dealing with that hole is putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound.

 

If she can't muster enough accountability for what she's done to you, she won't be the remorseful partner that you need and deserve. I suggest you convey unequivocally that you fully expect her to deal with the reality she created. it's on her to fix this. See what she does to make things right and don't give instant approval for tiny gestures. You don't have to. The standard is and should be much higher and harder now. If she doesn't reach for it, then she doesn't deserve you.

 

Know that it will NEVER go back to any semblance of the previous 'normal.' You've lost the happy, normal family you thought you had. You can't pretend this past away. But it's still not on you to fix her. You just need to take care of yourself and your children until and if she proves herself. But don't hold your breath and be prepared to let her go. Nothing less will work in the long run for any of you.

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OP, please spend a lot of time on loveshack reading other people's experiences who were in similar situations. Read hundreds and hundreds of posts, until the reality of your situation starts sinking in.

 

I know these are hard times for you. Maybe all of this is a shock to your system, or maybe it is causing depression. Betrayal can really mess people up.

 

Get your wife away from you for now. If she thinks she can guilt-trip or blameshift her responsibilities on you, you might just accept her lies. You need clarity...time for yourself to figure out how you feel and what is real, instead of her trying to manipulate you.

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Colin Grant

You made a mistake offering reconciliation, as she hadn't earned it. So, the possibility or even probability of her not respecting you or the marriage will continue. Remorselessness is advanced when the ws respects you and the marriage so greatly, that they also feel the pain. If your child disobeys and disrespects you, consequences imposed upon them will determine if they repeat the same violation.

 

Same with your wife. Consequences WS feels is fearing the marriage is possibly lost. Knee jerk reconciliation and committing to fixing it removed this fear from ever taking place. One other thing. Can't fix the marriage until she has fixed her issues that allowed her to risk losing her marriage and family. This is a 'her' problem, not a we problem. You are 50% of marital issues and 0% of the infidelity issues. Until she can fully understand through counseling what was in her psychological background that may have led to her indiscretion, then marriage counseling will do no good, as that's on her 100% .

 

In addition to that, you need to recover from the one person you trusted the most in the world from betraying you. Don't underestimate this. Respect yourself as you move forward and operate fearlessly for you and your family, first and foremost. After you and your family are on stable footing and your wife has engaged in getting independent counseling and is committed to it, then and only then do you proceed with CONSIDERING infidelity. You still have to evaluate her and whether she's safe for you and your kids.

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Thread starter has been absent for a couple weeks so I'll thank members for their input and will close this up pending their return.

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