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Wife having emotional affair


tokentowely

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tokentowely

Hello, i will try to keep this brief:

 

My wife and i have been married over 10 years and have a wonderful 4 yr old daughter. She has been in social dance and dance competitions for longer than weve know each other. Though i have had issues with the dancing in the past due to how sexual they can get, i have sucked it up and been ok with her doing her passion (dancing).

 

After some feeling that something was wrong when she came back late one night, i decided to check her phone to see what was up? What i found was far worse than i expected. She had been having a very flirtatious and sexually explicit messaging with a man that she had known before me whom she admitted she had a crush on. They were averaging somewhere around 35-75 messages a day for 5 months (he is older and a batchelor). The details of their conversations were too lengthy and painful to go into any detail, but they were actively moving towards a physical affair. She said she was falling for him and she was seeking romance from him. He was more than happy to oblige her and was clearly only trying to get in her pants.

 

On one hand, i am relieved to no longer be a fool in our marraige, but i am devistated beyond measure and, at least right now, i dont see ever trusting her or being intimate with her in any way again. What makes it worse is she hid it from me, and lied constantly up to, and after, telling her i knew. Still, she wanted to remain friends with him and continue dancing with him. I insisted she end everything right away, which she reluctantly did.

 

I am so tore up right now and dont know what to do. I hope some decent advice can come from this post, thank you in advance.

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somanymistakes

She's not thinking clearly at the moment.

 

Many people will suggest that the two of you should read 'Not Just Friends' together, to help her understand how an affair chips away at the marital relationship, even if it never progressed to a physical affair. (And most of the posters in the other sections will insist to you that it DEFINITELY progressed to physical, even if there's no evidence, even if all the evidence points against it. Just be prepared for that.)

 

It is okay for you to decide that you can't handle this and that you need to move towards divorce. I would suggest that you not act too hastily, but you can if you feel that you need to.

 

Right now, her head is full of happy sparkles. Her emotions are telling her that everything she was doing was fun and exciting and wonderful, and that being cut off from those things is miserable and crushing her spirit. Talking to you feels like a drag. She wants the rush, and she may well continue to lie and sneak behind your back unless she truly, deeply understands how much pain she's caused.

 

Just telling her to cut that out, while she sulks like a little kid, will not fix things. She'll feel put-upon, and justified in going around you in the future.

 

She needs to realise that she has already caused a lot of damage. SHE needs to become upset over what she's done and be willing to work desperately, not grudgingly, to try and make up for it. Otherwise, there's no hope.

 

You can't force her to be sorry.

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Welcome to LS, sorry about the circumstances which brought you here....

 

Roughly how old is your wife and how would you characterize the foundation of your ten year marriage and any relationship prior to it?

 

While you're waiting for further responses, try reading some other threads in this forum on emotional affairs and peruse the threads of an old member no longer posting here but sharing much wisdom about how he and his wife resolved her emotional affair.

 

One day at a time. You've confronted your wife and she's agreed to cease contact. OK, let's go with that. Work out your boundaries and how you'll both enforce NC (no contact).

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tokentowely

Thanks for that. Based on her many previous lies, i do not necessarily believe her when she says it never got physical, however she is adament and will stick to that, true or no. We are seeing a counselor soon, and i am seeing a lawyer as well just so i know my options. Right now, our relationship is shattered. She acts sorry for what she was doing, but neither of us know how to move forward? The thought of divorce is horrid to me, but i dont want to keep living without trust, and my dignity and honor is once again something i have to just swallow if we are to move on in our relationship. This sucks SO MUCH!!

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tokentowely

My wife is 45, I am 40, and the other guy is 47. While we hit rough spots fairly often, i thought our relationship was ok, and it had been trending up before this discovery. She is panicing now and does not want our marraige to end, and the last thing i want is another man raising my daughter. At what point does having self-respect trump over what is good for the children? Thanks.

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IMO, set the counseling appointment first, see how that goes, and then as appropriate deal with the lawyer stuff.

 

When was your W's last physical? At her age, worthwhile to get her thyroxine and estrogen checked. I'm older and have seen numerous MW's go sideways in late 40's. Hormonal changes, menopause, mid-life-crisis, etc. Not an excuse for infidelity but something organic to check out.

 

If not for this incident, how would you rate your marriage?

 

If you choose MC, the marriage is the client and the counselor will task both of you. It won't be a pile-on the wife for her emotional affair free-for-all. You both are responsible for the marriage. She's responsible for her infidelity.

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salparadise
She is panicing now and does not want our marraige to end, and the last thing i want is another man raising my daughter. At what point does having self-respect trump over what is good for the children? Thanks.

 

Children are resilient and no other man is going to replace you as her father. You'll almost certainly be able to get 50/50 custody and time with her if you decide to divorce. At 4 years old she won't know much about what's going on, she'll roll with it however it turns out, assuming that you'll both make her your priority. If you and your wife can't return to a good loving marriage, it's better not to try to keep her in a home where there's animosity and conflict.

 

Your happiness is important. This is your life, and you only get one go-round. If you really can't trust again, that's one thing... but pride and ego are something else. If you love your wife still, and she loves you, and she's willing to do whatever it takes to repair the relationship, you can probably evolve the need to divorce over wounded pride and a bruised ego. This would be something to explore in counseling.

 

However, if she's not telling you the whole truth and just wants you to rug-sweep all of this pain and betrayal, then you might as well cut your losses sooner rather than later so the healing can begin.

 

I guess one big question is whether it was she's lying about it being limited to an emotional affair. This assumes that the difference between the two is important to you. As someone else said, many will say it was physical because in their experience that's the way is usually turns out. Sadly, I think they're right ninety percent of the time. The standard move to uncover the full truth is to schedule a polygraph and tell her divorce is a certainty if she's lying. Sometimes people get parking lot confessions to try and avert the poly, but it's still not the whole truth. It's a hard, awful way to go about it, but the reality you're dealing with it equally hard and awful. If your decision swings on truth, do it. Otherwise, straight to the lawyer and file.

 

Your child will be ok, but your child needs a father who is okay too. Part of it is not within your realm of control. I say do not settle for the pretense of a functional family and honest relationship. If your wife is remorseful and truthful, there's a chance. Otherwise, you have to take care of you first.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

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tokentowely

Not sure how i would rate my marraige, but it seemed to be decent? We have problems just like anyone else. I work a lot, so the lawyer is getting seen first, however i truly only want to know my options and potential outcomes. I do not want to make a rash decision. Rebuilding trust will be the most difficult for me. It can never be the same between us again. I can never trust her again completely. Also, it does not seem right that this other guy gets to just move on and probably wreck more homes, i want him to feel my pain and more..... I will try to keep my ego in check, thank you for the advise.

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So, will you tell your wife you're seeing a lawyer or will you omit that information? Is mediation available in your jurisdiction?

 

Does your work allow for vacation, sick time, family leave, etc?

 

Does your wife work outside the home?

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tokentowely

The lawyer is simply a free consultation, and i see no need to tell her until if it ends up being necessary. This is also in response to her threatening to take full custody of our child if i divorced her. I am self employed, so time off is pretty much non-existent. Wife works both from home and in office. I can not monitor her every move, and she is smart enough now to keep anything else well hidden and not just sitting out on facebook messenger, so if she wanted to keep doing these behaviors, she probably could and i’d never know.

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Not sure how i would rate my marraige, but it seemed to be decent? We have problems just like anyone else. I work a lot, so the lawyer is getting seen first, however i truly only want to know my options and potential outcomes. I do not want to make a rash decision. Rebuilding trust will be the most difficult for me. It can never be the same between us again. I can never trust her again completely. Also, it does not seem right that this other guy gets to just move on and probably wreck more homes, i want him to feel my pain and more..... I will try to keep my ego in check, thank you for the advise.

 

If you don't know your marriage is great, then it isn't. You say you work a lot. It's tough to have a strong connection with a partner if you share little quality time together.

 

She wandered because she was lacking something. Maybe she didn't communicate well (or strongly enough) what she was lacking.

 

People often don't set out to have affairs, they fall into them because there's a vacuum in the relationship that needs to be filled. You'll read conflicting advice here but I lean towards revenge not being the best option, ie don't take it out on the other man.

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All cheaters lie and if she was out late they weren't talking and holding hands.

 

You can't trust her do your marriage is over.

 

File and get on with your life.

 

Unless you like living in drama and limbo.

 

Just let her go.

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bathtub-row

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think you should give this some time and don't do anything at all to control or manipulate your wife. Both of you are now dealing with off-the-charts emotions and you're not going to make good decisions because of that.

 

I'd hate to see your marriage end over this, however, separating right now might be the solution so that she can get a taste of reality. I agree that you should go to counseling and see where you're at. One thing you should do is make sure your wife knows the amount of pain and hurt she has caused you. Not because you want to put her on a guilt-trip but because I suspect she thinks you don't love or appreciate her. Whether you stay or go, it would be in your best interest that she knows you do care.

 

You're a hard-working guy and you should be commended for that. I know being self-employed can consume you and that may be her problem - that she lacks attention. Regardless, she doesn't know the hell-storm she'll call on her head if she continues down this path. At this stage of her life, she is - quite frankly - being extremely stupid. I hope it all works out for you both.

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Did I miss somewhere...where somebody told him his wife is lying to him about everything?

 

Dude, it has been physical for the whole time, you know that right?

 

And then she did not want to stop dancing with him?

 

You believed this crap?

 

She has been sleeping with him since she met the guy basically.

 

You need to file for divorce and have some balls please...

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OP, a few more questions:

 

She had been having a very flirtatious and sexually explicit messaging with a man that she had known before me whom she admitted she had a crush on

 

Did you know about her crush on him when you married her?

 

After some feeling that something was wrong when she came back late one night

 

How did she smell?

My wife is 45, I am 40, and the other guy is 47.

 

So, she was 35 or so when you got married. Were things 'complicated' when you met her? Did she present as a monkey brancher back then? Promiscuous? Was she married before? Past behavior is the clearest indicator of present and future behavior, all else being equal. Would her having sex with this crush and lying about scan with her past behavior, or not? Why?

 

Sorry about the inquisition but details matter. If you don't want to mess with it, retain your lawyer and file for D tomorrow and have her served. Sometimes that will jolt things loose. However, guys file at a substantially lesser rate than women do so you filing would be in the minority. Great exclamation point though.

 

Scary version? She cheated sexually, hires a bulldog lawyer, gets a favorable settlement, custody and child support and dances into the sunset with the 47 yo. You filing first puts her under the gun. It's a risk.

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Book a polygraph test for her. You'll have the examiner ask questions like: Was there any physical sexual activity? Were there any other affairs before this? Were you planning on leaving your husband if dance-geezer made himself available?

 

Some people don't believe in the accuracy of polygraphs. I say that's fine--maybe they're right. But the value of a polygraph is in your spouse's reaction to the mere suggestion. If she gets angry and indignant, you can assume that the affair went much further that what she's told you. You'll hear protests like "I'm not a criminal!" Yes, you are, honey.

 

If she willingly agrees to the polygraph, that's a good sign. But make sure you stick to it. Often cheating spouses agree to the exam just to bluff you into dropping the request. Don't let this happen--keep the appointment. Often what happens is that the cheater makes a big tearful confession in the parking lot of the examiner's office. Even then, you should continue to the examiner's office.

 

The best outcome is that she answers the questions the way you had hoped, and the examiner reports her answers as truthful. This is an outcome that occurs quite often, I'm glad to say.

 

Before the exam, monitor her Internet searches for questions like "how to beat a polygraph" etc. That, alone, means you don't have the full truth.

 

When you speak with your lawyer, ask him about the viability of postnuptial agreements in your state. Can your wife be compelled to sign a document where she forfeits assets in the event of a divorce related to future infidelity? Even if the agreement is not enforceable, it sure would be a sign of good faith for her to agree to such a thing. It would also scare the pants back onto her and help ensure that she never thinks of straying again.

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bathtub-row

Yes, polygraphs are useless. I know this from personal experience from when I was young and had to take one in order to work at a jewelry company. I told the truth and it indicated I was lying. I got the job anyway.

 

In the case of his marriage, I think this is also a useless exercise because when you've reached that point of requiring one, it's pretty much over with.

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She could be a CIA operative too so the polygraph would be useless ;)

 

Seriously though, it's been awhile since that's been suggested so new member worth a shot.

 

Hopefully the OP will read Owl's posts and see how a marriage can be reconciled in a healthy way. IMO it's nice to have a balance of perspective.

 

For the OP, near term, resist the temptation to call a break and go out and bang a random. IMO it's not worth it. High road.

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She has lost my trust, so i do not believe much of what she is saying. It is so messed up to be in this position....reality bites.

 

Don;t do a poly right now but you should get an STD test as should she. Her dance/affair partner may have a couple side pieces at different dance groups. If he is attractive and good dancer he will get a lot of attention from the gals, both single and married.

 

If nothing else it it show her that you are serious...

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tokentowely

CIA operative? :D I thought of that one, maybe some other agency?

 

To me a polygraph would be a little extreme, it would be just better to leave to me.

 

I am terrified of divorce, especially if she is not lying and nothing physical happened. That said, the kind of straight faced lies she has told me the past few days (found out friday) has made me question how much i actually know her? There doesnt seem to be anything in her past to suggest a pattern of being a cheat, but being able to lie like a pro isnt something i onew she was so good at.

 

She knew her crush before we met and she was atteacted to him then, but he was with one of her girl friends at the time. She mentions everyone in her dance circle, but never makes mention of him? He came back in her life back in January over dance and it went from there. Petty compliments from basically a stranger over texts made her swoon, yet when she gets home from her dance or activities, she slaps on the headphones and into the phone. Bonding with another man and ignoring her husband who is home caring for the child while she has her fun...It is also very stupid that she, while stating there was never any intention to get physical, would lead this guy on in such a sexually suggestive way. People can get the wrong idea.....She knows she F’d up and she is incredibly stupid and naive and selfish, in so many ways. If she is lying about the physical part, then she will take it to her grave, but other layers of the onion have been easy to peal away. She has lost my trust, so i do not believe much of what she is saying. It is so messed up to be in this position....reality bites.

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To me a polygraph would be a little extreme, it would be just better to leave to me.

 

Knowing is always better than not knowing. I've seen members here post decades after the fact, still tormented by uncertainty over what actually occurred. Don't put yourself in that position.

 

With a child involved, it's always good to consider healing your marriage. But you should schedule the polygraph so you know just what you're healing from...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You may want to get a paternity test done on your child… especially if the geezer has any kind of resemblance. She has known him long enough for him to be the daddy. Also, do not believe anything she says. If she says it is daylight outside, look out the window yourself. She is running scared and will say anything she needs to placate you because she doesn't want to loose your paycheck, not because she loves you. Sorry. You have provided her with all the opportunity she needs to step out on you, providing free baby-sitting while she dry humps her geezer-bud under the guise of 'dance'. And about that - she must give up her passions, both of them: dancing as well as the geezer. If she objects, simply tell her you have lost faith in her and she needs to work to get it back. If she balks, throw her out with the trash because it means she is sexing with her OM, and she has no intention of being honest with you ever. Keep the appointment with the lawyer, and begin divorce proceedings. You can call it off at any time, but it may provide your cheating wife with the painful reality check she needs to snap her out of the fog she is currently lost in. Good luck.

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salparadise
To me a polygraph would be a little extreme, it would be just better to leave to me.

 

I am terrified of divorce, especially if she is not lying and nothing physical happened. That said, the kind of straight faced lies she has told me the past few days (found out friday) has made me question how much i actually know her?

 

If she is lying about the physical part, then she will take it to her grave, but other layers of the onion have been easy to peal away. She has lost my trust, so i do not believe much of what she is saying. It is so messed up to be in this position....reality bites.

 

 

You are contradicting yourself. Hey, we all know it's difficult and confusing.

 

So, here's what you're saying: a) whether or not it was a physical is a critical distinction, b) you're terrified of divorce, c) you can't believe a word she says.

 

The ambiguity is easier for you to cope with right now than getting to the truth... you don't want to hear what you suspect is true because you're terrified of what that means (divorce, loss of the dream). But the fact exists whether you're aware or not. She's obfuscating to keep you suspended, and you're playing right along because you're afraid to know what you don't know.

 

The polygraph will bring it all to a head. Just tell her that you've scheduled a poly and watch her panic. Keeping your head in the sand does not get you closer to resolution. Scheduling a poly will, and although it may not be your preferred outcome, it's better than remaining suspended.

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Maybe you think you can live with her taking the secret to her grave. But the truth is it will gnaw at you for the rest of your life: Did she or didn't she? Was she telling the truth? Just how far did she go with him?

 

You'll already be living the rest of your marriage with a dark cloud hanging over it. The polygraph will bring some closure and clear the atmosphere a bit.

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tokentowely

I was able to check out some of the posts by Owl, and has been somewhat helpful, so thanks for the link. I have been struggling to find things to read on it, and the internet is full of a lot of trash. Its sad too that so many people stray and damage their partners.

 

Here’s a question i am wondering:

 

Is their a difference between an emotional affair and a physical one with regard to the effects on the relationship? Is one worse than the other? Is one more forgivable than the other?

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