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A is over but I don't want to unfriend the OW


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I'm new here. I was reconnected with my hs sweetheart for over 15 years. We are both in our 50's now and M with kids. For 98% of those 15 years, it was all emotional. We didn't see each other but I fell madly in love with her all over again. I knew when I married my W that I still loved the OW but I figured she was gone forever and done with me, so I moved on.

 

My W and I had three kids before we got M. I wanted to do the right thing and be a present and hands on dad so getting M was the decision I made. I don't regret that decision because it has allowed me to be a full-time dad and keep my family intact without having to do visitation and CS. My own father walked out on us for another W so I vowed not to do the same to my kids. About two years into my M, OW came back into my life via social media and we RC.

 

The spark was still there but I felt guilty about still loving her, so I would cut it off for a few months or a year but then I would return because I was so drawn to her. It also bothered me that I couldn't have her as my W so to cope, I cut her off many times with no explanation. Eventually, her M ended and we met in person for the first time in over 35 years. The way I felt seeing her, I cannot begin to describe. It was very powerful and it brought feelings out of me that I never felt for my W. She was extremely beautiful and has gotten even better looking over the years.

 

Anyhow, I felt guilty immediately after seeing her and started to back off. The feelings scared me.. Long story short, we ended up seeing each other again a few years later and ended up in bed all night. It was incredible. During this time, I was having major problems in my M and had been for years. I wanted to leave but W will fight tooth and nail to keep me. BTW, this isn't my first A. But that A, I didn't love that OW.

 

Getting to the crazy part, my W looked at my phone and noticed some texts from OW. I think she was already suspecting that something wasn't right, finally after 15 years of me being into OW secretly. She demanded answers, I told her it was someone I knew from childhood and that we had a one night stand. I didn't feel guilty when I did it because my M was on the rocks and I felt neglected by my W for years. W told me I could never talk to her again and started questioning my commitment to the M..

 

I didn't want to lose my family and kids, so I went along with it. I decided that I needed to give 100% to the M, otherwise any possible demise was my fault too. So, I immediately stopped talking to OW without any explanation to her. This time, I'm done. I don't want to lose my family. I still see OW on social media because I still follow her. She looks so beautiful and I still love her very much but I know she's off-limits. I mean business. I will not like her pictures or posts and definitely will not comment on anything she posts. I don't want to give her the attention or any false hope and also I don't want anyone to see my name under her posts or pictures. I don't want anyone to try to make that connection or try to figure out/track down her BF if she has one and tell him the truth. I don't want her life to her ruined.

 

Today I liked one of her posts by accident and had to quickly go back and unlike it. I don't want her to think I'm into her again. I know I have to completely cut ties to get past this. After 15 years of being in touch with OW off and on, I know this is what I have to do. I did slip up and wish OW Happy Birthday when her birthday was in January, but since then, NC in way, shape or form. I'm sure OW is hurt by the way I treated her by disappearing again and probably wants nothing more to do with me.

 

She has not tried to contact me at all. She's not the type to chase. I feel kind of bad but I'm set on keeping my family together. W asked for more details such as the name of OW but I feel like its irrelevant and we should just move on. Also, I don't act her to track down OW and confront her. How can really get past my feelings for the OW?

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somanymistakes

Unforunately you are going to have to make a choice.

 

Do you want to be married, or don't you?

 

Do you want to be with your wife, or do you want to stay connected to your old flame?

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Unforunately you are going to have to make a choice.

 

Do you want to be married, or don't you?

 

Do you want to be with your wife, or do you want to stay connected to your old flame?

 

I feel like I made my choice. I chose my family. I am done with the OW and don't want to give her any false hope. I have changed my cell number, deleted any apps I used to talk to her on, etc. What else do I need to do to prove n committed to my M? My W said NC and I agree and have stuck with it since January.

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DavidJoseph

It's tough, because it seems you really don't love your wife. Definitely not 'in love' with her. It seems you have some grudges against your wife because of the way she's acted in the marriage. You seem resentful.

 

Definitely, too, you have a wayward mind. A wayward attitude. Those rules you've drawn up about yourself, what you can and can't do about Facebook, is a thing of beauty.

 

You say you choose your wife, but I think that's only because your wife won't stay if she keeps catching you contacting your girlfriend. It sounds like if you could not get any consequence, either through being permitted or know that you won't get caught, you'd keep your wife for family and appearances, and your girlfriend for romance.

 

Why don't you stop focusing on your girlfriend and start focusing on your wife and your marriage? Follow your own wacky rules for a while but focus on your wife.

 

What can you do to improve the marriage?

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I still see OW on social media because I still follow her. She looks so beautiful and I still love her very much but I know she's off-limits. I mean business. I will not like her pictures or posts and definitely will not comment on anything she posts. I don't want to give her the attention or any false hope and also I don't want anyone to see my name under her posts or pictures. I don't want anyone to try to make that connection or try to figure out/track down her BF if she has one and tell him the truth. I don't want her life to her ruined. Today I liked one of her posts by accident and had to quickly go back and unlike it. I don't want her to think I'm into her again. I know I have to completely cut ties to get past this. After 15 years of being in touch with OW off and on, I know this is what I have to do. I did slip up and wish OW Happy Birthday when her birthday was in January, but since then, NC in way, shape or form. I'm sure OW is hurt by the way I treated her by disappearing again and probably wants nothing more to do with me. She has not tried to contact me at all. She's not the type to chase. I feel kind of bad but I'm set on keeping my family together. W asked for more details such as the name of OW but I feel like its irrelevant and we should just move on. Also, I don't act her to track down OW and confront her. How can really get past my feelings for the OW?

 

You do not have the mindset of a man who really wants to reconcile and give his marriage 100% You say you want to save the marriage but your thoughts and actions say something else entirely.

 

Also you are a serial cheater so your issues aren't even really about this OW. You have poor boundaries and coping skills. You don't respect your marriage or your wife. I don't think your marriage vows said "forsake all others, but if we have problems then I get to cheat on you"

 

You are more interested in staying connected the OW and protecting her than you are in loving your wife and helping her heal. Healthy marriages have to include openess and honesty. You are not being open and honest with your wife. You want her to just sweep everything under the rug for your comfort, you don't really care about her.

 

If you had 3 kids before you were married and before this OW came back into your life 15 yrs ago then your kids must be almost all grown up by now. It's time for you to start acting like a mature authentic adult. Take responsibility for your actions and start being honest with your wife for once. If you never loved her and you only stayed with her so you wouldn't have to leave your kids and pay child support then you need to tell her that and then you need to pack your bags and start divorce proceedings. Stop keeping everyone trapped in this agony by your dishonesty

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MidnightBlue1980

You are going to have to either tell your wife the name of the OW or delete all social media. I went through this, he gave me a fake name. In this age of the internet, you would be surprised how easy it is to find someone's identity. If she saw the texts, she has the number. That is how I found the woman's identity. I just googled it. Trust me that it makes it worse to hide it.

 

How to get over the OW? You have to obviously unfriend her. She sounds like a strong woman, so she may unfriend you but regardless, watching someone on social media is not a way to move on. It's a way to feed the fire. But it's bigger than that. I know people in your situation, hung up on the high school flame. I can't really relate but in none of the cases did it work out. Maybe it's something to do with getting older, missing lost youth. Everyone did divorce in these situations.

 

I would suggest you talk about why the fixation on the past, fear of dying, getting old, perhaps? Since your wife already knows about the A, I would open up and tell her all this. I'm generally on the fence about too much info but she deserves to make a well informed choice. It may burst the bubble.

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It's tough, because it seems you really don't love your wife. Definitely not 'in love' with her. It seems you have some grudges against your wife because of the way she's acted in the marriage. You seem resentful.

 

Definitely, too, you have a wayward mind. A wayward attitude. Those rules you've drawn up about yourself, what you can and can't do about Facebook, is a thing of beauty.

 

You say you choose your wife, but I think that's only because your wife won't stay if she keeps catching you contacting your girlfriend. It sounds like if you could not get any consequence, either through being permitted or know that you won't get caught, you'd keep your wife for family and appearances, and your girlfriend for romance.

 

Why don't you stop focusing on your girlfriend and start focusing on your wife and your marriage? Follow your own wacky rules for a while but focus on your wife.

 

What can you do to improve the marriage?

 

 

I love my wife. She's stood by side all these years and she's the mother of my kids. Even after the first A, she refused to let me go and let the OW "win". I feel like we are meant to be because she continues to stay no matter what. I also love the OW. She's my soulmate and always has been. We have a very deep connection and nobody knows me better than she does. My W seems to only want me and to meet my needs when she feels threatened. Once she's "won" me, it's back to neglect. Regaurdless of all that, I made a commitment to my M so I have to get over that lost love.

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You aren't NC if you're stalking the OW on Facebook, you know that, right?

 

Even if I'm refusing to directly interact with her on there? I'm very stubborn and feel like I can stick to not contacting or interacting with OW again. I'm trying to gain control of my life.

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You do not have the mindset of a man who really wants to reconcile and give his marriage 100% You say you want to save the marriage but your thoughts and actions say something else entirely.

 

Also you are a serial cheater so your issues aren't even really about this OW. You have poor boundaries and coping skills. You don't respect your marriage or your wife. I don't think your marriage vows said "forsake all others, but if we have problems then I get to cheat on you"

 

You are more interested in staying connected the OW and protecting her than you are in loving your wife and helping her heal. Healthy marriages have to include openess and honesty. You are not being open and honest with your wife. You want her to just sweep everything under the rug for your comfort, you don't really care about her.

 

If you had 3 kids before you were married and before this OW came back into your life 15 yrs ago then your kids must be almost all grown up by now. It's time for you to start acting like a mature authentic adult. Take responsibility for your actions and start being honest with your wife for once. If you never loved her and you only stayed with her so you wouldn't have to leave your kids and pay child support then you need to tell her that and then you need to pack your bags and start divorce proceedings. Stop keeping everyone trapped in this agony by your dishonesty

Well, I cut the OW off completely, which is something that I never did before so I feel like I'm making some progress. I still have two kids at home, they will not be grown for about 7 and 10 years. It's nice to know ther OW is OK but to save my M, I'm OK with never speaking to her again or otherwise interacting with her. Again, I don't want to give her false hope. I've hurt her enough and most importantly, I just want to focus on my M. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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whichwayisup
Even if I'm refusing to directly interact with her on there? I'm very stubborn and feel like I can stick to not contacting or interacting with OW again. I'm trying to gain control of my life.

 

If the OW is truly out of your life, then cut her off of facebook too. Lurking counts and all it does is keep the OW alive in your head and heart.

 

Your wife probably feels like you're protecting the OW by not telling her who it is.

 

And I will say, if you feel neglected in your marriage, fix that! Communicate with your wife and let her know how you feel. She has to make effort too and not slip back into old habits that aren't healthy for the marriage.

 

Anyway, I hope you can forget the OW and focus only on your wife.

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You are going to have to either tell your wife the name of the OW or delete all social media. I went through this, he gave me a fake name. In this age of the internet, you would be surprised how easy it is to find someone's identity. If she saw the texts, she has the number. That is how I found the woman's identity. I just googled it. Trust me that it makes it worse to hide it.

 

How to get over the OW? You have to obviously unfriend her. She sounds like a strong woman, so she may unfriend you but regardless, watching someone on social media is not a way to move on. It's a way to feed the fire. But it's bigger than that. I know people in your situation, hung up on the high school flame. I can't really relate but in none of the cases did it work out. Maybe it's something to do with getting older, missing lost youth. Everyone did divorce in these situations.

 

I would suggest you talk about why the fixation on the past, fear of dying, getting old, perhaps? Since your wife already knows about the A, I would open up and tell her all this. I'm generally on the fence about too much info but she deserves to make a well informed choice. It may burst the bubble.

 

I immediately turned that phone off and also took the phone from my W so she wouldn't see the details like the number. I don't want to drag the OW into that drama with my W so that's why I cut all ties. I'm having a hard time getting over OW because I was never over her in the first place. I regret losing her so many years ago and feel like I lost my sense of identity after we were broken up by her parents when they caught us losing our virginity to each other. I've never been the same since but I had to go on with my life. I told my W I wouldn't contact OW again and I'm dead set on sticking with that.

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I love my wife. She's stood by side all these years and she's the mother of my kids. Even after the first A, she refused to let me go and let the OW "win". I feel like we are meant to be because she continues to stay no matter what. I also love the OW. She's my soulmate and always has been. We have a very deep connection and nobody knows me better than she does. My W seems to only want me and to meet my needs when she feels threatened. Once she's "won" me, it's back to neglect. Regaurdless of all that, I made a commitment to my M so I have to get over that lost love.

 

[]

 

Notice how in ALL your posts you've never looked at how your wife must feel!

 

What you've done to her is despicable! Yet YOU keep protecting yourself and the OW by rug sweeping and being secretive to the wife that you say you love!

 

You're not showing loving behavior to your wife! Why should she be blamed when you've been slighting her for 15 f***ing years? Why?

 

Dude, you're not getting much out of the marriage because you haven't INVESTED in the the marriage!

 

Your wife... she hasn't had Love. She hasn't had emotional support! She hasn't had honesty and she hasn't had a husband! YOU short changed her for 15 years!

 

 

Tell her who it is now! Block and deleted that OW from EVERY SINGLE area of ever knowing about her again!

 

You're still sneaky and hiding things from your wife so she still doesn't have all of you! That cruel and mean that you would do that while saying you're all in the marriage!

 

You're not all in - you're still secretive and pining after your fantasy. You're still lying by omission to a woman who's trying to believe that you can be a better man.

 

If you can't let that OW completely go - then divorce your wife so she can have a REAL husband instead of half a man who's pretending to be married.

 

 

 

You haven't kept your vows. You did what your Dad did. Now you're doing it even more but being sneaky about it.

 

 

You can't keep two fires burning at the same time! Pick one and fuel THAT fire! Let the other one burn itself out by ignoring it completely - don't even look in that direction!

 

 

You got here by being selfish and secretive and self centered! Start changing those things about yourself!

 

And get honest with your wife! Poor thing - you barely mentioned her besides criticizing her here. Change that too dude.

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I feel like we are meant to be because she continues to stay no matter what.

 

My W seems to only want me and to meet my needs when she feels threatened. Once she's "won" me, it's back to neglect.

 

I also love the OW. She's my soulmate and always has been. We have a very deep connection and nobody knows me better than she does.

 

I made a commitment to my M so I have to get over my lost love.

 

With all due respect, I don't think that you are "meant to be" because she stays despite your indiscretions. I think that is fear of losing the life she knows, or stubbornness, or denial... I don't know that it is love because two people who truly love each other don't do this to each other.

 

It seems quite clear that you love your OW - at least you believe that you love her.

 

You made a commitment to your marriage, but you have not honored that commitment for the past 15 years... Forgive me, if I am sceptical that you have now decided to recommit to your marriage.

 

If your kids are almost grown and gone, perhaps it's time for you to make a decision. Do you want to stay married to this woman for the rest of your life. Or, is it time to be honest and move on...

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I immediately turned that phone off and also took the phone from my W so she wouldn't see the details like the number. I don't want to drag the OW into that drama with my W so that's why I cut all ties.

 

Look at the above. All you care about is how things affect the OW. You have the nerve to accuse your wife of neglect. Pretty sure it's the other way around, dude. Would you want to be with you?

 

You're just like your father. Do you admire what your father did? By your own admission, you're still a cheat even without OW.

 

For whatever reason, your actual wife wants to stick it out. Step it up and treat her halfway decently. I do not for a minute believe she is neglecting you, it's the other way around.

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[]

 

Notice how in ALL your posts you've never looked at how your wife must feel!

 

What you've done to her is dispicable! Yet YOU keep protecting yourself and the OW by rug sweeping and being secretive to the wife that you say you love!

 

You're not showing loving behavior to your wife! Why should she be blamed when you've been slighting her for 15 f***ing years? Why?

 

Dude, you're not getting much out of the marriage because you haven't INVESTED in the the marriage!

 

Your wife... she hasn't had Love. She hasn't had emotional support! She hasn't had honesty and she hasn't had a husband! YOU short changed her for 15 years!

<snip>

 

You just tore me a new one. Damn. Anyway. I am ignoring the OW. I don't contact her at all. I just don't want to be the one the block her. She can be the one to block though. So was I supposed to tell my W I never stopped loving the OW? I feel like that's too much information to tell her, especially since I never had any intention on leaving the M. I made a commitment and I don't want people to know I failed. People look up to our M. I feel like I'm letting people down if I D. Also, I can't be the one to leave, only the W can. I don't want to be known as the man that abandoned his family.

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I made a commitment and I don't want people to know I failed. People look up to our M. I feel like I'm letting people down if I D. Also, I can't be the one to leave, only the W can. I don't want to be known as the man that abandoned his family.

 

So ultimately, this is the reason you stay, not love or to honor a commitment. It's about your reputation. To be known, as your father was known, as an adulterous man who left his family would be hurtful to you.

 

You would much rather keep the facade, because "people" look up to your marriage. If only they knew the truth.

 

But, who cares what people think. Let them think what they will think. You know, and your family knows, that you are not a man of integrity. Those are the people who's opinions really matter.

 

You don't want to let people down. My friend, you have already let people down. You have let down the most important people in your life, your children and their mother.

 

You have already abandoned your family. You just haven't actually left the home yet.

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With all due respect, I don't think that you are "meant to be" because she stays despite your indiscretions. I think that is fear of losing the life she knows, or stubbornness, or denial... I don't know that it is love because two people who truly love each other don't do this to each other.

 

It seems quite clear that you love your OW - at least you believe that you love her.

 

You made a commitment to your marriage, but you have not honored that commitment for the past 15 years... Forgive me, if I am sceptical that you have now decided to recommit to your marriage.

 

If your kids are almost grown and gone, perhaps it's time for you to make a decision. Do you want to stay married to this woman for the rest of your life. Or, is it time to be honest and move on...

 

And because my W won't leave, I told OW a few years ago that if wasn't meant to be between us. I figure it's not meant to be unless I become involuntarily single. I cannot change the last 15 years. I can't change the fact that I love the OW too. But I guess I should focus on not loving her and tell myself that I don't is what it seems like people are telling me to do here. My W came from a broken home too, her parents abandoned her and what she loves about me is that I refuse to abandon my family and that I provide financially. She told me that's love for her.

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Look at the above. All you care about is how things affect the OW. You have the nerve to accuse your wife of neglect. Pretty sure it's the other way around, dude. Would you want to be with you?

 

You're just like your father. Do you admire what your father did? By your own admission, you're still a cheat even without OW.

 

For whatever reason, your actual wife wants to stick it out. Step it up and treat her halfway decently. I do not for a minute believe she is neglecting you, it's the other way around.

 

I'm not sure that's right. Right now I'm being mean to the OW by acting like she doesn't exist. I've iced her out. That's my cold side and I'm good at it when I want to move on. I do not admire what my father did at all. Being a cheater is one thing, leaving your family is another. I can't do the latter.

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So ultimately, this is the reason you stay, not love or to honor a commitment. It's about your reputation. To be known, as your father was known, as an adulterous man who left his family would be hurtful to you.

 

You would much rather keep the facade, because "people" look up to your marriage. If only they knew the truth.

 

But, who cares what people think. Let them think what they will think. You know, and your family knows, that you are not a man of integrity. Those are the people who's opinions really matter.

 

You don't want to let people down. My friend, you have already let people down. You have let down the most important people in your life, your children and their mother.

 

You have already abandoned your family. You just haven't actually left the home yet.

 

Staying is not honoring my commitment? I'm willing to put my own desires and feelings for OW aside to keep my family under one roof.

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I guess I should focus on not loving her and tell myself that I don't is what it seems like people are telling me to do here.

 

My W came from a broken home too, her parents abandoned her and what she loves about me is that I refuse to abandon my family and that I provide financially. She told me that's love for her.

 

If you read my post, I was essentially encouraging you to be honest and leave your wife, if you are not in love with her. You don't get any awards from me for making yourself a martyr and staying with a woman that you do not love or want to spend your life...

 

If staying in an unhappy marriage with a man who stays out of duty while engaging in an extramarital affair with another woman who he says is his soulmate, is her idea of love... Well then, that makes me very sad for her.

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If the OW is truly out of your life, then cut her off of facebook too. Lurking counts and all it does is keep the OW alive in your head and heart.

 

Your wife probably feels like you're protecting the OW by not telling her who it is.

 

And I will say, if you feel neglected in your marriage, fix that! Communicate with your wife and let her know how you feel. She has to make effort too and not slip back into old habits that aren't healthy for the marriage.

 

Anyway, I hope you can forget the OW and focus only on your wife.

 

I have a hard time unfriending her for some reason. Am I wrong for wanting to know how she's doing but never actually speak to her again? I am trying to work on my marriage, seriously.

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Staying is not honoring my commitment? I'm willing to put my own desires and feelings for OW aside to keep my family under one roof.

 

You are not staying as much to honor your love or commitment for this woman as much as you are staying to keep your own repuatation. You basically said as much in your last post.

 

Sure you are honouring your commitment. But, those are just words. It's semantics. Your actions have proven otherwise for the past 15 years.

 

Are your kids still at home? What are their ages?

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You just tore me a new one. Damn. Anyway. I am ignoring the OW. I don't contact her at all. I just don't want to be the one the block her. She can be the one to block though. So was I supposed to tell my W I never stopped loving the OW? I feel like that's too much information to tell her, especially since I never had any intention on leaving the M. I made a commitment and I don't want people to know I failed. People look up to our M. I feel like I'm letting people down if I D. Also, I can't be the one to leave, only the W can. I don't want to be known as the man that abandoned his family.

 

Quit lying to yourself. YOU can make a conscious decision to block that woman that helped you completely ruin your marriage and your family! You haven't blocked her because you like looking at your fantasy and secretly longing for her! IF you intend to stay married this is SO not fair to your wife! Remember you said you loved her? Well ACT like you love her! She's the victim in all these lies and deception... when does that crappy behavior stop? You're still doing it to her. You're not acting on your vows you took! YOU are the single problem in your deficient marriage because you haven't participated 100% for 15 f...ing years! Your wife should be SO mad at you that you're living in the gutter - yet you're not and you still aren't willing to OFFER her your truth! This marriage will continue to be garbage as long as you keep dumping your garbage into it.

 

How about you get completely honest? How's that? If not then quit wasting your wife's time and energy.

 

And if you don't - you don't really intend to work on the marriage.

 

Trying to keep up appearances while knowing that for 15 years you purposely ruined the marriage? Dude, what delusional world are you living in? You did this! Own it!

 

Get professional help because you just aren't honest with yourself and you aren't mentally processing what a crappy husband and father you've been.

 

If you're not willing to throw ALL your secrets out onto the table a deal with what's real - then it will only be a deficient marriage based on deception and lies.

 

Which is it gonna be? You gonna block her completely and tell your wife who it is?

 

 

And quit kidding yourself - you haven't been a good Dad - a good Dad would never do this to his family. You did it for 15 years... that's very purposeful. Let's see if you can change the man you've been and actually BE a good dad now and moving forward.

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Why did you lie and tell your wife it was a one night stand when it was an affair that spanned 15 years?

 

Have you told your wife you're a serial cheater and cheated earlier in the marriage as well?

 

 

Why do you minimize your behavior?

 

Your wife doesn't actually know who she's married to.

 

If you can become a husband to your wife then let her go so she can find a man who actually SHOWS her what it's like to really be loved and honored.

 

 

I hope your wife exposed you to all friends and family! Or... have you gone unscathed on exposure as well?

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