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How do I get my life back?


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Demundavid

So, long story short. Wife cheated. Multiple times. Multiple people. Chose another man over our family. Two kids. In the midst of it all. A friend and I became more than friends. It grew into an affair of my own. Well, let me reiterate. Wife and I seperated, during this is when the affair began. Still wrong I know.

 

My wife has pleaded to me to try for the family when she chose otherwise in the past. I love my kids and want to be with them always. So I'm now stuck in an affair and my wife is wanting to try again. Everything, including my new interest is stressful as anything.

 

What are you thoughts? Should I give my wife another chance? If I do, do you think she'll continue the same behaviors? How do I tell this other person whom I love and care for deeply? Do "love affairs" turn out to be solid lasting relationships? I rarely get to see my children who are my world. There is constant tension between me and my new interest over my wife. She is pushing for me to REALLY commit. Divorce, move in with her, etc. This has been going on for roughly a year. My wifes had for several on and off.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

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somanymistakes

Your wife will probably cheat again once she feels safe and secure in her relationship with you.

 

If you were officially separated and on the path to divorce, it is not an affair. Don't call it that, because that will confuse you into thinking that your actions and your wife's actions are equivalent. Separated people are allowed to date.

 

Your wife cheated. You did not. Don't let her convince you that it's exactly the same and therefore you should both forgive and forget.

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somanymistakes

Your new relationship is not an affair but it is almost certainly a rebound. Did you date anyone else between your wife and your friend? I'm guessing not. I'm guessing that you were emotionally vulnerable because of what was happening with your marriage and so you latched onto your friend who was caring and supportive, and transferred all your love and need feelings onto her.

 

It's not impossible for a rebound relationship to work but they often fall apart when you realise that you weren't thinking clearly at the time. If you do go through with the divorce, don't move in with your new girlfriend right away. It's better for you to take some time to be comfortable with yourself and be sure that you know what you really want out of life.

 

Right now you may want to prioritise getting a custody settlement worked out. You should be entitled to 50/50 with the kids. Again, don't let your wife steamroller you into thinking that you don't deserve to see them!

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After learning your wife cheated multiple times with multiple people you turned to someone else for comfort thinking your marriage was over. While that is not an ideal beginning, as compared to your wife you are on the moral high ground.

 

 

Because your wife cheated multiple times with multiple people this new claim of remorse & expressed desire for reconciliation sounds highly suspicious to me. She wants her cake & to it eat too. If it was once & she expressed genuine remorse I might be inclined to say maybe you could try to rebuild with marriage counseling & a whole lot of transparency.

 

 

If you stay with your wife now, what message does that send your kids? I submit that they will learn it's OK to lie & cheat, because there are no consequences. They will also never learn how to stick up for themselves when somebody wrongs them. Are those really the messages you want them to get?

 

 

What's in it for you? You can still see your children even if you divorce their mother. You never stop being their dad.

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What are you thoughts? Should I give my wife another chance? If I do, do you think she'll continue the same behaviors? How do I tell this other person whom I love and care for deeply? Do "love affairs" turn out to be solid lasting relationships? I rarely get to see my children who are my world. There is constant tension between me and my new interest over my wife. She is pushing for me to REALLY commit. Divorce, move in with her, etc. This has been going on for roughly a year. My wifes had for several on and off.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Divorce your wife, end this second ill-timed relationship and focus on being the best person - and father - you can be.

 

Everything else will come with time. And yes, I'm speaking from experience :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Everybody says that serial adulterers cannot be changed. I believe that is probably true. Your wife is one. I bet she's having trouble supporting herself on her own, and needs you to continue financing her lifestyle of affairs.

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She's a serial cheater. There is no risk factor of her cheating again. It's guaranteed.

 

Don't be a fool for punishment.

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BluesPower
Divorce your wife, end this second ill-timed relationship and focus on being the best person - and father - you can be.

 

Everything else will come with time. And yes, I'm speaking from experience :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am going against lucky...which is unusual.

 

I say give me a break about getting back with your wife. I mean you are kidding right? How weak do you have to be to even think that?

 

Your new relationship while not perfect in its start, is not an affair.

 

As someone said, you are on the high moral ground.

 

So absolutely DIVORCE, DIVORCE, DIVORCE your wife. I mean, that question was a joke for sure, right?

 

With the other girl, what is wrong with seeing where it goes? You don't need to marry her by any means right now. But what does it hurt to date her and see how it goes?

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I am going against lucky...which is unusual.

 

I don't take it personally :) .

 

With the other girl, what is wrong with seeing where it goes? You don't need to marry her by any means right now. But what does it hurt to date her and see how it goes?

 

Here's the issue:

 

There is constant tension between me and my new interest over my wife. She is pushing for me to REALLY commit. Divorce, move in with her, etc. This has been going on for roughly a year.

 

BP, I know you're divorced, so am I. Were you ready to deal with this kind of pressure to commit in the middle of wading through the debris of your marriage? The OP's focus should be sorting out his life and maximizing his time and attention with his young children. Right now, everything else is excess baggage...

 

Mr. Lucky

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DavidJoseph

It sounds like your wife only wants you because you found someone else. I think that is common. I've seen it many, many times. There are two ways to look at it:

 

1) She is like a child and doesn't want to play with her old "toy," but doesn't want any other kids to play with the toy, either. It is hers. She is not sharing. Even if she doesn't want it anymore.

 

2) She took you for granted, when she found out you were moving on with another woman, she realized what she had in you and now appreciates you.

 

If she has cheated on you multiple times, with multiple guys, let's face it, she might just finally have come to Jesus, but far most likely she will keep doing the same old stuff she's always done. Probably she still is doing it.

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Demundavid

Thank you all for the replies.

With children and so much time invested it is hard. Someone here said with the pressure from my girlfriend its excess baggage. I hate to admit it, but it has been taxing.

 

I am feeling like I was living be her rules. Because of her emotional games with me. At the same time, I feel like I'm being pressured into the things my new interest wants.

 

I am just exhausted and want some stability and to "get my life back". Start living for me. I've thought about counseling, for myself of course to kind of sort through my feelings and emotions. I feel like I need to talk to somebody.

 

The problem is, with my job.. I work closely with all therapists, counselors, etc in my trials county area. It feels embarrassing to open up to associates and co workers as a client. I spoke with my chaplain who pushed for the godly path between my wife and I. I'm religiously, morally, emotionally, lost.

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Thank you all for the replies.

With children and so much time invested it is hard. Someone here said with the pressure from my girlfriend its excess baggage. I hate to admit it, but it has been taxing.

 

I am feeling like I was living be her rules. Because of her emotional games with me. At the same time, I feel like I'm being pressured into the things my new interest wants.

 

I am just exhausted and want some stability and to "get my life back". Start living for me. I've thought about counseling, for myself of course to kind of sort through my feelings and emotions. I feel like I need to talk to somebody.

 

The problem is, with my job.. I work closely with all therapists, counselors, etc in my trials county area. It feels embarrassing to open up to associates and co workers as a client. I spoke with my chaplain who pushed for the godly path between my wife and I. I'm religiously, morally, emotionally, lost.

 

obviously your chaplain has no experience with Infidelty much less a serial cheater. Real bad advice.

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Thank you all for the replies.

With children and so much time invested it is hard. Someone here said with the pressure from my girlfriend its excess baggage. I hate to admit it, but it has been taxing.

 

I am feeling like I was living be her rules. Because of her emotional games with me. At the same time, I feel like I'm being pressured into the things my new interest wants.

 

I am just exhausted and want some stability and to "get my life back". Start living for me. I've thought about counseling, for myself of course to kind of sort through my feelings and emotions. I feel like I need to talk to somebody.

 

The problem is, with my job.. I work closely with all therapists, counselors, etc in my trials county area. It feels embarrassing to open up to associates and co workers as a client. I spoke with my chaplain who pushed for the godly path between my wife and I. I'm religiously, morally, emotionally, lost.

 

you are the only one who can do that. The only one who can keep you in the viscous circle your wife put you in is you.

 

Start thinking with your head or you'll get more of what you've already gotten

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you are the only one who can do that. The only one who can keep you in the viscous circle your wife put you in is you.

 

Start thinking with your head or you'll get more of what you've already gotten

 

 

Thank you Marc, any advice on backing away from this new interest? Honestly we bonded over similar situations and now that she is divorced and moving on, she expects me to as well. I dont know that I'm comfortable moving into something so soon after, well..considering my wife and I aren't divorced..so quickly.

 

I would like to focus on myself and my boys. My chaplain I think sees the part of me that is lost and broken. He is telling me what I feel he is reading from me. I dont fault him by any means, I just dont know if I agree with him.

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End the marriage. There's not one single reason to stay with someone that cheats more than once.

 

End the other relationship too - since you aren't thrilled with it and it's still early in the relationship.

 

 

Be on your own and learn to be happy. Prioritize your kids and the time you have with them.

 

 

Find hobbies and interesting things to keep you happy and busy.

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End the marriage. There's not one single reason to stay with someone that cheats more than once.

 

End the other relationship too - since you aren't thrilled with it and it's still early in the relationship.

 

 

Be on your own and learn to be happy. Prioritize your kids and the time you have with them.

 

 

Find hobbies and interesting things to keep you happy and busy.

 

Take this woman's advice. It's the best you'll get.

 

Get yourself out of infidelity as quick as possible!!!!!! You will never have a future with a serial cheater.

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Thank you Marc, any advice on backing away from this new interest? Honestly we bonded over similar situations and now that she is divorced and moving on, she expects me to as well. I dont know that I'm comfortable moving into something so soon after, well..considering my wife and I aren't divorced..so quickly.

 

I would like to focus on myself and my boys. My chaplain I think sees the part of me that is lost and broken. He is telling me what I feel he is reading from me. I dont fault him by any means, I just dont know if I agree with him.

 

Most clergy types want to save the marriage at any cost. He obviously has no experience with infidelity let alone serial cheaters. He maybe well meaning but he's dead wrong on this.

 

Google serial cheater. You'll understand it better.

 

You can't fix her and I doubt she will even try.

 

Her words are totally meaningless

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With children

The children are a completely seperate issue altogether. They're NOT reliant on your relationship with your wife. Any damage that comes out of this towards them was done by her. And it will only increase, as your wife WONT, probably CAN'T change. Right now all she is trying to do is rope you back in, you're her meal ticket. The safe guy she keeps in her backhand to pay for stuff as she goes out on exciting adventures. You shooting her down is really inconvenient for her.

 

Also this might sound horrible but, are you sure your children are indeed yours?

and so much time invested it is hard.

Sunk cost fallacy. That time and investment was lost the moment your wife started doing this stuff. You were effectively conned. Ask yourself, how often would you keep giving some shady conman money, who constantly promises you huge riches and an enormous payout but never delivers. You'd think you were being stupid after the first time, no?

Someone here said with the pressure from my girlfriend its excess baggage. I hate to admit it, but it has been taxing.

I don't know your new girlfriend, nobody else here does. However, if she wants you to NOT get back with your wife even out of her own self interest she's right on that. Absolutely so.

I am feeling like I was living be her rules.

You were. She ran complete roughshod over you. You were more akin to an household appliance or pet. One that paid for stuff. You contemplating going back to her despite what she has done sadly shows, she was right to treat you this way. Because you're willing to let her treat you this way.

I feel like I'm being pressured into the things my new interest wants.

This might very well be, it might also be that she genuinely has your best interest at heart and doesn't want you to go back to your wife. In which case she's right.

 

Then again, this is NOT a two solution choice. You can kick BOTH of them to the curb. You're holding all the cards right now, all the decision making power, the moral high ground and you're completely unaware.

 

I am just exhausted and want some stability and to "get my life back". Start living for me. I've thought about counseling, for myself of course to kind of sort through my feelings and emotions. I feel like I need to talk to somebody.

Your life was a sham, it was a lie build by your wife to finance and secure her escapades. It was a lie from the get go. Go back and reevaluate all your interactions, all your memories, all the stuff. You'll find in hindsight much of what she has done, said and how she behaved will be completely tainted.

 

Your wife is NOT going to give you stability, you wont get your "life back" because you never had it to begin with. How about instead of being exhausted, you startt getting angry?

It feels embarrassing to open up to associates and co workers as a client.

Don't! They wont be neutral one way or another. They might even know your wife for that matter.

I spoke with my chaplain who pushed for the godly path between my wife and I. I'm religiously, morally, emotionally, lost.

Frankly speaking. Tell your Chaplain to stuff it. Most every religion pretty much NUKES a relationship when one person steps out. It's completely gone and done when it happens more than once. So if anything, this would be anathema to the "godly path".

 

Your Chaplain doesn't seem to have your best interest at heart, merely his own religious feelings on this matter or your wifes. The sancticity of marriage in most established religions requires exclusivity, honesty etc as some of its core pillars.

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Why are you so worried about ending the new relationship? If you're not comfortable in the new dating relationship then just end it. Tell her you're not ready. Are you always so scared to end relationships?

 

Just be on your own to do whatever you wish.

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Thank you all for the replies.

With children and so much time invested it is hard. Someone here said with the pressure from my girlfriend its excess baggage. I hate to admit it, but it has been taxing.

 

I am feeling like I was living be her rules. Because of her emotional games with me. At the same time, I feel like I'm being pressured into the things my new interest wants.

 

I am just exhausted and want some stability and to "get my life back". Start living for me. I've thought about counseling, for myself of course to kind of sort through my feelings and emotions. I feel like I need to talk to somebody.

 

The problem is, with my job.. I work closely with all therapists, counselors, etc in my trials county area. It feels embarrassing to open up to associates and co workers as a client. I spoke with my chaplain who pushed for the godly path between my wife and I. I'm religiously, morally, emotionally, lost.

 

Maybe you don't need to be in a relationship at this point. Definitely don't go back with your wife no matter what. You'll be miserable because she will never change. The kids will be grown soon so don't stay for them. Also they will also lose respect for you for putting up with their mother's infidelity. Get counseling from someone you don't work with as you will be more comfortable. Just don't go back to your cheating wife or you will never find happiness because she is not going to stop.

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My wife has pleaded to me to try for the family when she chose otherwise in the past.

 

 

What has she done other than talk?

 

 

As far as the new love interest, don't allow her to pressure you to formalize the relationship with her. Counseling for yourself would be good.

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Man oh man, I don't know where to start.

 

You said that you wanted to "get your life back". What life? The one that you did not have? Your wife was a serial cheater. Are your kids even your bio kids? Heck, even if not, they are your kids. Still, the life you thought that you had never existed. Let that sink in real good.

 

You are in a rebound and it sounds bad. That tells me that YOU need a time out from all relationships to get YOUR mind right. You seem to gravitate to women who are troublesome. Figure that out NOW!! Once you do, then your perspective on all of this will change. Right now you want to exchange your new scorpion for your old cobra. Neither one is good for you.

 

WHO CARES what your wife wants?! She wanted other dudes and got them and look at you now. Her wants are toxic. She is toxic.

 

Your new girl is right to pressure you, not that you should be in a relationship now. You pick a team and stick with it. She has a life too and it does not revolve around you waffling on who you want to be with. I am re-thinking her being bad. She sounds like the sane one. She wants a relationship with 2 people in it and not 3. yeah, she's right.

 

Here is A plan for you: (1) Tell new lady that you are not fit to be in a relationship now and it is not fair to her. The best that you can do for her is to remove drama from HER life and YOU are bringing the drama. (2) Tell your wife that you guys are finalizing the divorce, DNA test your kids, work on visitation and child support. (3) DO NOT CONSIDER being in a relationship with anyone until you get your mind right with the help of a counselor. (4) Get your mind right. (5) Tell your ex that there is no prospect of any relationship UNLESS AND UNTIL she gets counseling for herself-she is a cheater currently unworthy of being in a relationship with you. (6) re-evaluate everything once you and your counselor feel that you are actually ready.

 

Lastly, don't bring religion as an excuse. Divorce is acceptable for adultery. (Red letter text). All of the "godly" stuff is really just a way for you to suck up a bad relationship and really take a second chance of screwing your kid's lives up. I don't shun religion and am very involved. I just know that folks who have accepted less than they were entitled to because of it end up losing faith. I know more EX Christians who became that way once they realized that "Christianity" was used to manipulate them into ultimately unhappy life choices. Let that sink in a bit too.

 

Good luck.

Edited by bigman1
omitted point
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Seeing your kids rarely is exactly why you need to formalise the divorce. Get proper shared custody in place (or go for full custody if you think she’s a bad parent). Your wife only wants you back because someone else wants you. She’ll soon enough go back to her old ways.

 

Your GF - is moving faster than you. Resist the pressure. Tell her you need to take it slow, and if she’s not amenable to that, it’s not meant to be. Do not feel pressurised into committing to her - or anyone. Enjoy the R as it is, or if you’re no longer enjoying it, tell her you’re not ready for a R and walk.

 

You don’t want or need your life back. You need a life that puts you at the centre, with your kids, not servicing the needs of others.

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So, long story short. Wife cheated. Multiple times. Multiple people. Chose another man over our family. Two kids. In the midst of it all. A friend and I became more than friends. It grew into an affair of my own. Well, let me reiterate. Wife and I seperated, during this is when the affair began. Still wrong I know.

 

My wife has pleaded to me to try for the family when she chose otherwise in the past. I love my kids and want to be with them always. So I'm now stuck in an affair and my wife is wanting to try again. Everything, including my new interest is stressful as anything.

 

What are you thoughts? Should I give my wife another chance? If I do, do you think she'll continue the same behaviors? How do I tell this other person whom I love and care for deeply? Do "love affairs" turn out to be solid lasting relationships? I rarely get to see my children who are my world. There is constant tension between me and my new interest over my wife. She is pushing for me to REALLY commit. Divorce, move in with her, etc. This has been going on for roughly a year. My wifes had for several on and off.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Yes your wife will cheat again. That is who she is. No don't take her back as the mind movies of her having sex with the other men and all that they did will drive you crazy. I wouldn't move on to the other woman but I would seek a divorce. After your divorce you should be free to meet other women and not settle for the first one that comes along.

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Even if she didn't cheat again (which she will) neither will she ever appreciate the pain and suffering she caused you. You'll never get that closure and you'll still be living with the cause of it. I guarantee. It's part of the serial cheater profile and leaves you forever alone without even the remorse you deserve.

 

Instead, walk away and turn your face forward. Focus on becoming the person you want to be. Choose yourself and your children as you move forward, always forward, staying busy with your future. Don't look back or sideways, always forward toward the man you were meant to be for your boys and for yourself.

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