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I found out a month ago that my wife cheated through some hotel keys and sent emails. When confronted, she said she was sorry, but didn’t cry or get emotional about it. I found out that it was someone she dated before and has know for 20 years. Now she is saying that she has trust issues with me because I read her emails and since she’s been friends with him so long that she still wants to talk to him. She told me it was only once or twice, but the email I saw speak otherwise. It’s complicated since we have an 8 year old child, but I don’t think I can ever forgive her or trust her again. She’s never been a very sexual person, but now I wonder if this has been going on for 11 years. The guy is also married and has 2 kids. Every day is a struggle for me to not put him to his wife. My wife said she would work on things with me, but it seems she not remorseful at all. I need a little encouragement I think. I know what I need to due but I’ve been depressed and feel like I lack the strength. I feel like this will financially break me. She pretending like everything is good, but I know she’s still talking to him. I’m seeing my options next week with a lawyer. As far as I can see, we’ll need to sell the house to clear up debts and move on. She’s completely unremorseful and I feel like she takes me for an 11 yr sucker and has even said she should have never married me. Should I pull the trigger on this and serve her papers and let everything fall apart. I’m assuming I won’t get custody and need to pay support, but as of now, I do everything around the house, take care of my daughter, AND work a full time job.

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I found out a month ago that my wife cheated through some hotel keys and sent emails. When confronted, she said she was sorry, but didn’t cry or get emotional about it. I found out that it was someone she dated before and has know for 20 years. Now she is saying that she has trust issues with me because I read her emails and since she’s been friends with him so long that she still wants to talk to him. She told me it was only once or twice, but the email I saw speak otherwise. It’s complicated since we have an 8 year old child, but I don’t think I can ever forgive her or trust her again. She’s never been a very sexual person, but now I wonder if this has been going on for 11 years. The guy is also married and has 2 kids. Every day is a struggle for me to not put him to his wife. My wife said she would work on things with me, but it seems she not remorseful at all. I need a little encouragement I think. I know what I need to due but I’ve been depressed and feel like I lack the strength. I feel like this will financially break me. She pretending like everything is good, but I know she’s still talking to him. I’m seeing my options next week with a lawyer. As far as I can see, we’ll need to sell the house to clear up debts and move on. She’s completely unremorseful and I feel like she takes me for an 11 yr sucker and has even said she should have never married me. Should I pull the trigger on this and serve her papers and let everything fall apart. I’m assuming I won’t get custody and need to pay support, but as of now, I do everything around the house, take care of my daughter, AND work a full time job.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. If she's not remorseful, that's not a good sign. You'll find lots of good tips on here, like insisting on transparency from her if you are going to try to work it out with her. She cheated, she has to open up her communication to you now. I'd also insist she goes to counseling with you. You should probably also be talking to an attorney about protecting your assets and custody rights in case things fall apart. In a nutshell, if she's saying she wants to try to fix things, that needs to be backed up by solid actions on her part.

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I found out a month ago that my wife cheated through some hotel keys and sent emails. When confronted, she said she was sorry, but didn’t cry or get emotional about it.

 

Sorry but zero remourse here so no chance at Reconcilliation.

 

I found out that it was someone she dated before and has know for 20 years. Now she is saying that she has trust issues with me because I read her emails and since she’s been friends with him so long that she still wants to talk to him. She told me it was only once or twice, but the email I saw speak otherwise.

 

She has a right to privacy so she can cheat? Really? Typical cheater script.

 

It’s complicated since we have an 8 year old child, but I don’t think I can ever forgive her or trust her again. She’s never been a very sexual person, but now I wonder if this has been going on for 11 years. The guy is also married and has 2 kids. Every day is a struggle for me to not put him to his wife.

 

No it's not complicated. She's a very typical lieing cheating wayward wife. This happens all the time. They are a dime a dozen. It's not your job to help them hide their affair. You should have already informed his wife. It sounds like you're living in fear of her leaving you. Don't be she's already gone.

 

My wife said she would work on things with me, but it seems she not remorseful at all. I need a little encouragement I think. I know what I need to due but I’ve been depressed and feel like I lack the strength. I feel like this will financially break me. She pretending like everything is good, but I know she’s still talking to him.

 

Everything is good for her. You are allowing her to cake eat. She's loving it. She has you to take care of the hose and home provide funding and she gets ts screw around on the side. You really need to wake up man

 

I’m seeing my options next week with a lawyer. As far as I can see, we’ll need to sell the house to clear up debts and move on. She’s completely unremorseful and I feel like she takes me for an 11 yr sucker and has even said she should have never married me.

 

Get some respect for yourself. If you don't have that no one else will either.

 

Should I pull the trigger on this and serve her papers and let everything fall apart. I’m assuming I won’t get custody and need to pay support, but as of now, I do everything around the house, take care of my daughter, AND work a full time job.

 

Right now you are her doormat. You are enabling her behavior. The only one keeping you there is you.

 

I suspect you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

 

You need to DNA your daughter. Don't be surprised at the results.

 

At this time you are living life under her control and her conditions.

 

You can change that. Fix yourself !!!!!!

 

Download and read "No More Mr NiceGuy" free PDF it's a good place to start

Edited by Marc878
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She refused counseling but I’m gong solo. DNA test sent off last Friday when she “needed space” and went to a fancy spa/ hotel. She’s too stupid to know that I could look at the phone bill and see she was texting him at midnight....on top of that she gave me her Apple Watch to charge and I can see her texts even though she changed her password on phone and everything else. For now I’m pretending like everything is okay like she wants but collecting info. I just am drained and feel like I need a shot of courage to finish this off.

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Lawyer meeting is next Thursday and I think there will be no gong back after that. I’ve already changed all my beneficiary info at my job. My company doesn’t require her signature like some policies do. I’m on the path and just need to stay strong.

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It's not really much of a marriage if your wife is sleeping with another man and not remorseful or willing to change her behavior...

 

Sadly, I think you are proceeding as only you can proceed. Gather your strength, find some support, and take each day as it comes. Best wishes.

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Lawyer meeting is next Thursday and I think there will be no gong back after that. I’ve already changed all my beneficiary info at my job. My company doesn’t require her signature like some policies do. I’m on the path and just need to stay strong.

 

Good. She's shown you and told you who she is (not stopping the affair). You really need to believe her.

 

If they have any contact the affair will continue and she is telling you this by her actions.

 

You need std testing. You have no idea on who this guy has been with.

 

I'd cut out intimacy with her. Go into a 180 no contact except for the child.

 

Stay strong you'll need it.

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She refused counseling but I’m gong solo. DNA test sent off last Friday when she “needed space” and went to a fancy spa/ hotel. She’s too stupid to know that I could look at the phone bill and see she was texting him at midnight....on top of that she gave me her Apple Watch to charge and I can see her texts even though she changed her password on phone and everything else. For now I’m pretending like everything is okay like she wants but collecting info. I just am drained and feel like I need a shot of courage to finish this off.

 

Jumping into marriage counseling is a waste of time and money with an ongoing affair. The same for offering R.

 

You really need to inform her other mans wife. Maybe time it with serving her D papers.

 

Does she work?

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Most in theses situations wallow in limbo hell because they can't make a decision.

 

Don't allow that. She's not some special snowflake that can't be replaced.

 

It's a shock upfront but as you reflect back you'll see what you've been blind to for a long time.

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I got tested already and I do know who he is now....got his cell#, home #, address and his wife’s name/ Facebook page. I’m struggling to be a big person EVERY day. I really want to torpedo all of it, but that can come after. Trying to figure out also where that line in the sand is for my own sanity. I really like myself and don’t want to end up making any more bad choices other than the obvious one i made 11 yrs ago.

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Most in theses situations wallow in limbo hell because they can't make a decision.

 

Don't allow that. She's not some special snowflake that can't be replaced.

 

It's a shock upfront but as you reflect back you'll see what you've been blind to for a long time.

 

^This. I wished I'd been more able to cut things off faster during my divorce.

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I hope you've saved evidence and stored it in a safe place. You may need it unless you're in a no fault state. But it's still good to have

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I got tested already and I do know who he is now....got his cell#, home #, address and his wife’s name/ Facebook page. I’m struggling to be a big person EVERY day. I really want to torpedo all of it, but that can come after. Trying to figure out also where that line in the sand is for my own sanity. I really like myself and don’t want to end up making any more bad choices other than the obvious one i made 11 yrs ago.

 

Just do all you can to minimize your focus on her and him, and maximize focus on what's good for you. The best revenge is living a good life.

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^This. I wished I'd been more able to cut things off faster during my divorce.

 

Learn from Fred. Everyone who goes through this says the same thing.

 

Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you can't do a hard no contact. I've seen it done well and the betrayed spouse is always better off for it.

 

Once you've filed:

 

Answer no phone calls, let them go to voicemail and respond to kids, business or D only in very limited text or email messages only. Ignore anything else.

 

You'll get the lets be "friends". This is all for her not you. Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

 

You can't control her or anything she wants to do. You have your time with your child and she has hers. Keep everything else separate. Holidays, birthdays, etc.

 

If you can't you'll keep yourself bound up in this and limit your ability to move on with your life. She's not worth an afterthought although it will take you time to get where you need to be.

 

NC only works if you fully apply it.

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I saved/printed emails and took screen shots of phone/ text records and pics of thecApple Watch texts too. I have 2 copies in different places and it’s all in a journal format that I add to as needed. I was told by the lawyer I’d only need it if I fought for custody, but I thought it would be handy since she only seemed to care about friends and relatives finding out. My initial conversation with the lawyer via phone said if we went to court and she denied, he’d drag the guy in to testify.

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You are much further along than most at this time. Kudos to you.

 

Don't trip up and falter.

 

Once she gets the D papers you'll probably get tears, I love you, etc, etc etc.

 

It will all be for one thing. She wants to continue to cake eat.

 

There's a huge difference in remourse and regret at getting caught but it sounds like she has neither so you have zero to work with.

 

Good luck and keep posting you'll get good support and info here.

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You can waste a lot of time/life in these things that you can never get back.

 

I've seen folks tied up in theres for 2 or 3 years. Even longer.

 

Mostly because they allow it.

 

The keys:

 

Make a decision and stick with it

 

No Contact, don't minimize how much this helps. Talking gets you nothing.

 

If you get strong, stay there and be decisive you'll come out of this better than most.

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Shock and awe. Move half of your joint funds into an account that only you have access to. Serve her with divorce papers. As she is receiving them, call the man's wife to inform her. Email her all the evidence you have. When you're wife angrily calls you, inform her of your attorney's plan to have her lover testify in court. Tell her that it is possible her infidelity will figure into asset division and custody. Encourage her to play fair and honest so that it doesn't need to get to that level. Reserve a room in your house for your exclusive use and put a lock on the door.

 

She's sleeping with another man but has "trust issues" with you. That's a classic.

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I am in agreement with the advice you are getting. I especially like what WilyWill said. You only have two choices that are to your benefit. You give her divorce papers and explain what is going to happen and how her and her AP's life is going to radically change. Or you tell her you weren't aware that she had declared your marriage "open" and since she has a boyfriend you are going out and get yourself a mistress. Both options, good or bad, are a lot better than spending the rest of your life living in mistrust, doubt, and misery. Personally I would go with divorce and destruction. Just remember, you have all the ammunition you need to burn both their worlds to the ground. Stay strong, stay alert, and plan wisely. I do wish you well.

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NotCamelot

I am sorry you are going through this. Being the victim of infidelity is one of the most hurtful and damaging things one can experience. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

 

Legal advice is best. Personal counseling is great. And, normally I would not agree, but, in your case, I think DNA testing on your child is good sense. It could save you thousands of dollars in some areas of the country. However, is some areas, since you have presented as the father for a period of time, a DNA showing someone else as the father would not relieve you of financial resposnsibility.......stupid, but true. Check with the lawyer on this. You may not want a DNA test if it won't make a difference with your financial outcome.

 

 

NOW......TELL HIS WIFE. Do this immediately!!!! First of all, she deserves to know just like you did. And, it will quickly burst that affair fog bubble your W and he are living in. It will probably bring a quick halt to the A. I doubt that he will continue with your W after his becomes involved. And, at the very least, he gets to suffer some of the same kind of pain that you are suffering......his W will too, but, again, she deserves to know what kind of scum she is married to - and kind decide what kind of path to take.

 

 

Loveshack is a good place. You will get lots of advice here. Some good, some bad. Use what works for you.

 

 

Take care of yourself.

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I’m pretty sure Texas is an at fault state. You can take her to the cleaners. Go for full custody and no alimony unless she makes more than you. If that’s the case go for alimony you and major child support.

 

Document everything.

 

Tell his wife immediately. There is no downside. Don’t you wish someone had told you a long time ago. It’s chicken **** not to. Plus, you need to put her back

on her heels. When he throws her under the bus to save his marriage, she will be easier to deal with. Especially when she finds out about Texas laws.

 

Your wife is one of the worst I have seen on these boards in ten years. Put her no account but in your rear view.

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aliveagain

There is a very good chance that everything you knew about your marriage is a lie. The affair may be as old or older then your marriage. What you know for sure is your wife is untrustworthy, she is unfaithful and she is a liar and there is now some doubt about your child. Talking to a lawyer is the right first step. Your next step is contact the other betrayed spouse and inform her, her health is at risk. Cheaters always lie about using protection. That is also the fastest proven way to end an affair.

 

Protect your child and protect your finances, do not finance her affair. Get tested for STD's if you haven't already done so, no unprotected sex with your wife until you do. Be clear about what your boundaries are and defend them once you have told her what they are. Having boyfriends while married to you should be at the top of your list. Having male friends that aren't friends of both of you should be second. Decide if she is a good candidate for reconciliation, if that is what you want. If she isn't don't waste anymore time on her, read up on the "180" and implement it immediately. Let your lawyer deal with her. If she agrees with your terms for staying in the marriage and the marriage is really what you want have your lawyer draw up a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the assets if you divorce because of another infidelity. That's a consequence of cheating.

 

If you do everything around the house as well as be the main care provider and keep a full time job, what are you getting back if you allow her to stay in the marriage? A lifetime of policing her?

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drifter777

Assume nothing regarding custody or support. Go talk to a divorce lawyer - they will lay out the most probable outcome. My bet is that it's nowhere near as bad as you fear.

 

 

It’s complicated since we have an 8 year old child, but I don’t think I can ever forgive her or trust her again.

 

To this I say that you are probably right. Having a cheating wife who doesn't give a $hit about you, your marriage or family is NOT a candidate for reconciliation. Add to that the disgust you feel for the sexual component of her cheating and you have the makings of a miserable life if you simply stay for the kids or fear of being alone. Talk to a lawyer.

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Your goal, I assume, is to get out of infidelity. That means D or R. Right now you are in Limbo. It isn’t a good place to be.

 

If the affair is a deal breaker for you, then work on getting your ducks in order before filing for divorce. There is little benefit in acting to repair this mess if D is the end game. To paraphrase a wise poster on another site, tell her she’s free to do what she wants, but not as your wife. Employ the 180 to detach and don’t get sucked up into her head games. She really likes the current arrangement and will do what she can to keep eating the cake you provide

 

If R is your goal, employ the 180 to let her experience life without you. You can’t nice her back.

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