Caught several times, yet I'm still with him!

[Sutherngrace]

So I met my man in 2011 on Plenty of Fish. He had Widower ashis status. Our 1st date, I ask about his late wife and he said she died of breast cancer. I found out 3 months later she’s alive andwell…married to the man she cheated on my man with. But I guess to my man…she’s ‘dead’. Still a lie none the less. This should havebeen my first red flag…

 

 

July 2011 I knock his phone off the counter. Pick it up to make sure the screen didn’t crack…see '1 message from Natalie: I miss you’. Hand him the phone and saidsomeone misses you. Crazy ex-girlfriendhe says and shrugs it off. Come to findout they dated 4 years on and off before I came into the picture.

 

 

I’ve been cheated on and lied to in the past, therefore I look out for #1. I know it’s wrong, but yes after the ‘I miss you’ text, my butt got nosey. I saw numerous texts back and forth between Natalie and my man. Could only see the phone log online so all I can see is phone numbers back and forth…not actual texts. I confronted him, he said he doesn’t know why he still talks to her, but that it will stop. 3 weeks later, I see back and forth texts again. Confront…it won’t happen again…blah blah blah.

 

After several busts, he decides to make up a secret email account…yeeeah, I bust him with that too. So then he moves to ‘burner’ phones. The 1st phone he uses to talk to Natalie and they make plans for her to come to OUR house (I moved in Feb 2012) on MLK Day 2014 to, I guess have sex…in OUR bed. I get up that morning like I’m going to work but instead go to my sister’s. Borrow her boyfriends truck and ride by the house every hour or so…Natalie never shows. I get home and confront him and he denies everything. Looks me in the eye and denies it. SO then I whip out the email I printed out at my sisters of him and Natalie making plans. He said he doesn’t know why he did it…he’s sorry, I’m the one he wants to be with blah blah blah. I told him if it happens again, I’m gone. I demand the phone…he beats itwith a hammer and gives it to me. It’s useless.

 

Sept 2015, I find another burner phone. See actual texts and *ahem* pics that he and Natalie have exchanged. A lot of sex talk but that’s it. I throw phone at him and never see it again, but he once again tells me he doesn’t know why he talks to her and that he loves me…omg! Well financially I can’t go anywhere.

 

Aug 2016 I finally move out. Now even though I move out, we’re still ‘together’. If he’ll talk to her behind my back when I lived under his roof, I damn sure know he’ll do it when I move out, so I keep watching the phone records online. Sure enough Oct 2016…she’s texting him again. I raise hell and we don’t speak for like 5 days, but then we start talking again. I’ve been watching pretty close and haven’t seen anything until March 2018…I see text on his normal regular non-secret phone. Sex talk again with Natalie. I tell him I’m done and he swears to me that I’m who he wants to be with. Said he had an ‘epiphany’ if you will at the end of Feb 2018 and he realizes with all his heart and soul that I’m the one he should be with (yay I win…eye roll).

 

 

Mid-April 2018, I’m looking in his tool box for a Philips head screwdriver…I swear I wasn't snooping and I found another phone. This makes #3! I take it home and scour thru it and it was activated June 2016 – Feb 2017. And yep, it was all Natalie again! This time raunchy sex talk with explicit pics AND videos! Lots of back and forth of what they want to do to each other. She tells him she’s coming to see him and each time, she bails and never shows. I honestly don’t think he’s laid eyes on her since before I came into the picture. She seems to be all talk. But he was telling her that he loves her and crap like that and yes, we were ‘a couple’ while all of this was going on! I confronted him and he really had nothing to says except for ‘I don’t know why I keep talking to her’…"I don’t know" is his fave go-to answer for everything! He swears he hasn’t talked to her at all since Mid-Feb and he hasn’t...that I can tell. Yes, she has texted him, but according to the phone records, he never replied. He swears he’s done with her, but man oh man…I’ve heard that line more time than I care to count. We’re not married, don’t have any kids together or anything of the sort. He expects me to focus on the past few months that he’s been ‘good’ and forget the past 7 years that Natalie has been in our relationship. He literally told me to let it go/get over it so we can move on and be happy…really? Why does he get a do-over? SEVEN years I’ve put up with this crap! Oh and he TRIED to turn it around and blame me. He said he knows I wasn't 'snooping' when I found this last phone, but when I did find it...I shouldn't have look at it! Seriously?? I quickly shut him down and told him that he was NOT going to blame me for this! There shouldn't have been a phone to be found in the first place!

 

 

Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed…

[BaileyB]

How long are you planning to stay with this man?

 

A pattern of behavior has clearly been established. How many more women and burner phones is it going to take before you leave?

[BettyDraper]

You clearly aren't interested in leaving.

 

I'm not sure what kind of responses you're looking for.

[TheRainbow]

Break up with him. Don't be like my husband, a doormat who is willing to take care of another man's baby. I'm in the process of trying to fix my mess as best as I can so I can divorce my husband and free him from my emotional abuse.

Edited June 1, 2018 by TheRainbow

[Mr. Lucky]

Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed…

 

You have an extremely high pain threshold. I stopped reading after the 5th "gotcha" since it was obvious nothing was going to change.

 

I'd guess there's other women neither you nor "Natalie" know about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BTDT2012]

Not married? No Kids? Just what are you getting from this relationship?

[TunaCat]

I did read the entire thing, but my opinion was already formed when you said that his supposedly dead wife was still alive. What kind of man would lie and say his wife was dead? That's despicable. I don't care if she cheated on him, saying someone is dead who really isn't, is disgusting.

[skywriter]

So I met my man in 2011 on Plenty of Fish. He had Widower ashis status. Our 1st date, I ask about his late wife and he said she died of breast cancer. I found out 3 months later she’s alive andwell…married to the man she cheated on my man with. But I guess to my man…she’s ‘dead’. Still a lie none the less. This should havebeen my first red flag…<snip>

 

Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed…

 

 

My thoughts are ,since you are hell bent on staying with "your man", at least use protection , and have yourself checked out by your gynecologist on a regular basis regardless.

Edited June 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncated quote

[S2B]

Work with a counselor on a healthy boundary and taking action to remove toxic people from your life.

 

 

Why are you still with him? He lies - he cheats. No reason to stay - he's a dirty bird!

[hippychick3]

So I met my man in 2011 on Plenty of Fish. He had Widower ashis status. Our 1st date, I ask about his late wife and he said she died of breast cancer. I found out 3 months later she’s alive andwell…married to the man she cheated on my man with. But I guess to my man…she’s ‘dead’. Still a lie none the less. This should havebeen my first red flag…

 

 

July 2011 I knock his phone off the counter. Pick it up to make sure the screen didn’t crack…see '1 message from Natalie: I miss you’. Hand him the phone and saidsomeone misses you. Crazy ex-girlfriendhe says and shrugs it off. Come to findout they dated 4 years on and off before I came into the picture.

 

 

I’ve been cheated on and lied to in the past, therefore I look out for #1. I know it’s wrong, but yes after the ‘I miss you’ text, my butt got nosey. I saw numerous texts back and forth between Natalie and my man. Could only see the phone log online so all I can see is phone numbers back and forth…not actual texts. I confronted him, he said he doesn’t know why he still talks to her, but that it will stop. 3 weeks later, I see back and forth texts again. Confront…it won’t happen again…blah blah blah.

 

After several busts, he decides to make up a secret email account…yeeeah, I bust him with that too. So then he moves to ‘burner’ phones. The 1st phone he uses to talk to Natalie and they make plans for her to come to OUR house (I moved in Feb 2012) on MLK Day 2014 to, I guess have sex…in OUR bed. I get up that morning like I’m going to work but instead go to my sister’s. Borrow her boyfriends truck and ride by the house every hour or so…Natalie never shows. I get home and confront him and he denies everything. Looks me in the eye and denies it. SO then I whip out the email I printed out at my sisters of him and Natalie making plans. He said he doesn’t know why he did it…he’s sorry, I’m the one he wants to be with blah blah blah. I told him if it happens again, I’m gone. I demand the phone…he beats itwith a hammer and gives it to me. It’s useless.

 

Sept 2015, I find another burner phone. See actual texts and *ahem* pics that he and Natalie have exchanged. A lot of sex talk but that’s it. I throw phone at him and never see it again, but he once again tells me he doesn’t know why he talks to her and that he loves me…omg! Well financially I can’t go anywhere.

 

Aug 2016 I finally move out. Now even though I move out, we’re still ‘together’. If he’ll talk to her behind my back when I lived under his roof, I damn sure know he’ll do it when I move out, so I keep watching the phone records online. Sure enough Oct 2016…she’s texting him again. I raise hell and we don’t speak for like 5 days, but then we start talking again. I’ve been watching pretty close and haven’t seen anything until March 2018…I see text on his normal regular non-secret phone. Sex talk again with Natalie. I tell him I’m done and he swears to me that I’m who he wants to be with. Said he had an ‘epiphany’ if you will at the end of Feb 2018 and he realizes with all his heart and soul that I’m the one he should be with (yay I win…eye roll).

 

 

Mid-April 2018, I’m looking in his tool box for a Philips head screwdriver…I swear I wasn't snooping and I found another phone. This makes #3! I take it home and scour thru it and it was activated June 2016 – Feb 2017. And yep, it was all Natalie again! This time raunchy sex talk with explicit pics AND videos! Lots of back and forth of what they want to do to each other. She tells him she’s coming to see him and each time, she bails and never shows. I honestly don’t think he’s laid eyes on her since before I came into the picture. She seems to be all talk. But he was telling her that he loves her and crap like that and yes, we were ‘a couple’ while all of this was going on! I confronted him and he really had nothing to says except for ‘I don’t know why I keep talking to her’…"I don’t know" is his fave go-to answer for everything! He swears he hasn’t talked to her at all since Mid-Feb and he hasn’t...that I can tell. Yes, she has texted him, but according to the phone records, he never replied. He swears he’s done with her, but man oh man…I’ve heard that line more time than I care to count. We’re not married, don’t have any kids together or anything of the sort. He expects me to focus on the past few months that he’s been ‘good’ and forget the past 7 years that Natalie has been in our relationship. He literally told me to let it go/get over it so we can move on and be happy…really? Why does he get a do-over? SEVEN years I’ve put up with this crap! Oh and he TRIED to turn it around and blame me. He said he knows I wasn't 'snooping' when I found this last phone, but when I did find it...I shouldn't have look at it! Seriously?? I quickly shut him down and told him that he was NOT going to blame me for this! There shouldn't have been a phone to be found in the first place!

 

 

Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed…

 

This is when you should have left him. Everything after is meaningless. He had already shown you who he was.

 

So, even if he never uses another burner phone again or stops contacting Natalie....it does NOT matter. There is absolutely nothing that can happen from this point forward that would make him worthy of being anyone's "man."

 

Not one person here will tell you anything you don't already know. You need serious help, because no sane person would have tolerated any of this mess.

[merrmeade]

Even the title "Caught several times, yet I'm still with him!" sounds like you're talking about yourself with surprise and disbelief. "Strangest thing, but I'm still with him. Wow, what a surprise! I wonder why?" Your brain is in permanent shock and denial.

 

Don't believe him. He's an unconscionable liar. You're worth more than this.

[Sutherngrace]

Oh wow...you people are brutal! LOL

 

 

No seriously...y'all are saying stuff that I need to hear. I see many asking why am I still with him and it's simple...I don't want to be alone (yeah I know).

 

 

I really don't know why I stay. Aside from being a cheating liar, he is actually a good person. Just not a good person to be in a relationship with. We click on so many levels that it's scary. That's why I can't figure out why he continues to talk to Natalie behind my back. But on the flip side, he's not really suffered ANY consequences for his actions. Yes we fight and I do the silent treatment...I threaten to break up and I do for like a week or two but we start talking again, blah blah blah. I guess he knows I'm all talk and don't ever follow through with what I threaten. We actually have a good time around each other. He has a motorcycle and we love riding and spending time together, but I ALWAYS have what he did to me in the back of my mind. And at times when I'm alone, I replay everything and get all pissed off all over again!

 

 

I don't trust him and honestly have lost all respect for him, yet I'm still there. I just don't know...companionship maybe? It is nice to have someone to do stuff with. Yes I have friends, but most are married or in relationships so there ya go.

 

 

I'm 48 and looks are quickly fading. Gravity has set in and things are not where they're supposed to be lol and frankly I just don't know if I could meet anyone else. Although most would say that being alone would be better than being with someone you can't trust. And I have to admit it's exhausting b/c I'm constantly on my toes...questioning him about stuff and being all up in his business. But for me, it's become a way of life, ya know.

 

 

Thanks y'all for listening and offering advice.

 

 

For people who have been where I am...what did it finally take to say 'that's it....I'm done'?? I know I'm not the only doormat out there...

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't trust him and honestly have lost all respect for him, yet I'm still there. I just don't know...companionship maybe? It is nice to have someone to do stuff with.

 

It is nice for him, he's got you... and Natalie... and probably Suzie. You get the picture.

 

Sutherngrace, you're effectively in an open relationship. Stop and think, both emotionally and health-wise, what that means ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

You call him "your man" when he isn't your man at all. When are you going to let this guy go?

[anika99]

So I met my man in 2011 on Plenty of Fish. He had Widower ashis status. Our 1st date, I ask about his late wife and he said she died of breast cancer. I found out 3 months later she’s alive andwell…married to the man she cheated on my man with. But I guess to my man…she’s ‘dead’. Still a lie none the less. This should havebeen my first red flag…

 

 

July 2011 I knock his phone off the counter. Pick it up to make sure the screen didn’t crack…see '1 message from Natalie: I miss you’. Hand him the phone and saidsomeone misses you. Crazy ex-girlfriendhe says and shrugs it off. Come to findout they dated 4 years on and off before I came into the picture.

 

 

I’ve been cheated on and lied to in the past, therefore I look out for #1. I know it’s wrong, but yes after the ‘I miss you’ text, my butt got nosey. I saw numerous texts back and forth between Natalie and my man. Could only see the phone log online so all I can see is phone numbers back and forth…not actual texts. I confronted him, he said he doesn’t know why he still talks to her, but that it will stop. 3 weeks later, I see back and forth texts again. Confront…it won’t happen again…blah blah blah.

 

 

Thoughts/comments/opinions welcomed…

 

You should look out for #1, but you don't look out for yourself, at all. If you did then you would have kicked this guy to the curb back in 2011. You talk big but your actions don't back up your words.

 

Don't know what to advise someone who has put up with blatant lying sneaky dishonest behavior for 7 years. I guess to you the pain of leaving is worse than staying. In a later post you talk about your fading looks and fear of not finding another man but I don't think the guy you have right now is going to stick it out with you into your old age anyways.

[Confused48]

Aside from being a cheating liar, he is actually a good person.

 

This is like what neighbors of a serial killer would say. Aside from all those murders, he was a really great guy! lol

 

No. Run. This guy is not a great guy no matter what else he does. He is dangerous and just clever enough to fool you into thinking he's not that bad. He is. Believe it.

[Be_Strong]

If you want to be with him because you like his company and don’t want to be alone, you’ll just need to accept that you’re in a non-exclusive friends-with-benefit arrangement with him. Seriously, if you can just accept that premise, all the stress, anxiety and anger will go away. Let him have his sexting or whatever else on the side and just enjoy his company when you’re with him.

[Bufo]

I’ll play the optimist and suggest one good thing you are getting out of this relationship. You are earning your PhD in Sherlockholmesology. One more episode of catching him and Cheaters University will grant you your diploma.

 

The final exam question is what exactly do you get out of this relationship? I hope you don’t want to be the next Natalie.

 

The physical education department of Cheaters U wants you to enroll in Running 101 to learn how fast and far to run away from him.

[Sutherngrace]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story and reply. Your feedback and definitely given me food for thought. 7 years is hard to let go of...

[skywriter]

How are you ever gonna know 7 years are hard to let go of, since you aren't letting go?

[Mr. Lucky]

7 years is hard to let go of...

 

And yet, as you can clearly see, your BF already has. He's not only lined up your replacement, he's actively auditioning her right under your nose.

 

Don't you deserve more than this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Adotta]

Nice to be back people. Very happy to find the site back up and running.

 

Now on to the thread.

 

You say 7 years is a lot to let go of. Imagine it being 20 or 30. What about 40? What about sitting on your deathbed and knowing he cheated till the very end? Or what if he dies first and you fins more evidence after? What then?

 

At one point you have to cut your losses or you will be destroyed. I know cutting your loses sounds awful. Business men cut losses. Politicians cut losses. The words shouldn't normally be used in loving relationships, but you don't have that. You have a chameleon who is trying to leach off of you. He sucking your soul and vitality out. BURN HIM OFF.

 

Op.... gently, in certain circumstances I feel some people lose the ability to completely blame their abusers. Yes that is what your so is. An abuser. Say it aloud. He mentally abuses you. He manipulates you. He gaslights you. He lies to you. When he looks you in the eye and says he loves you and does all the romantic things that make you feel great he is secretly betraying you.

 

Again onto your own accountability. You hold no accountability for his abuse. None at all. BUT at a certain point you have to realize YOU have become a somewhat willing participant in your own abuse. YOU have to put an end to this cycle. HE will not. Stop hoping for change that you yourself don't initiate. It's not happening.

 

If you want out of infidelity YOU have to drag YOURSELF out of it. I'm sorry to say, but your SO will not be joining you. He has shown his true colors time and again. Yes there is something wrong in him. Something twisted. Normal healthy minded people don't do what he does, but that is not on you. At a certain point you have to cut the umbilical cord. You tried. You really did. Noone here will ever claim otherwise. You stuck it out and survived what could easily destroy the soul and mind of others. You have weathered amazingly harsh abuse. Now it should end. You need to value yourself. Noone will save you besides yourself.

 

This is a cycle that ends three ways as I see it. YOU break it. You get up and leave. You try your damn best to never see this man again or speak to him in any fashion. You can try dating or you can stay single. You can go to orgies or sex clubs or try FWB arrangements. Who knows? That's up to you, but any option is better then staying put right now.

 

OR

 

You continue hoping for change while initiating no change. He will keep receiving one last chance one after another and never take the threat to heart. It hasn't worked so far. What does he have to lose? This continues for the rest of your life. You spend the rest of your life wondering if he's currently cheating and the honest answer is...... PROBABLY. If he isn't it's because noone is willing to do it with him. On your death bed you may even look back at your life and hate it. Hate what your love for a toxic man has done to you. All the life and joy and feeling of security ripped away bit by bit. Your sanity going with it.

 

OR

 

He leaves you once he finds a piece of ass that exited him and is willing to let the creep move in or perhaps marry. The guy is cruising for love/sex/ego strokes and he isn't seeking it from you. He's looking right now. Lining up his choices and this woman is only at the top of his list. Probably only catfishing him in one form or another from the sounds of it, but that doesn't matter. Once this OW is gone, which she may never be gone, then he will just move on to a new target.

 

Don't let this creep be the one to drop you. You hold the power right now. If you let him back in you lose that power. Life will move on without him.

 

What is it that makes this guy so special to you? Why do you need him so much that you are willing to suffer through this? Do you not see yourself as valuable? Desirable? Do you have a bad self image? Do you think you deserve this. Or is it just blind hope and naivety? Are you afraid of being alone?

 

What kind of childhood did you have? I feel like we should talk about you. Not to put you under a microscope, but I really feel you need to find out why you believe it's ok to be treated like this. I'm guessing you would tell me you don't feel it's alright, but your actions show otherwise.

 

I'll leave you a quote to close. Rather well known one in fact. Guess the creator! I can almost guarantee you won't get it.

 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Edited June 14, 2018 by Adotta

[merrmeade]

Take some time to put yourself in his head. What is happening in there when you ask questions and he gives different answers that you are able to expose as untrue? Think about what he sees, how and why he reacts these ways.

 

He says he doesn't know why he does what he does. So why do YOU think he does it? Just because he can? Because he's not afraid. Because it's fun and exciting? Because it's naughty?

 

I think if you found more out about their relationship you'd get some more answers, too. With their history and familiarity, the phone calls, pictures and texts can provoke, tease and excite as they share stories and intimacy in a way that creates ongoing arousal. That's what keeps him coming back and continuing this extreme form of flirting with her. You have NOTHING to do with what they're doing. He's not thinking about you for one second while that's going on and it's irresistible for him. Obviously. Because he keeps going back for more.

 

When you confront, he gives the answer that most quickly and easily gets you off his back. He gauges how much he has to tell you based on your reaction. It's all calibrated to see how much he can get away with.

 

So that's just to give you a start. If you think about this long enough, it should make you realize that you don't have a chance of changing him.

[Sutherngrace]

Thank you Adotta & merrmeade for your thoughtful and insightful responses. And yes Adotta, I know that quote very well! And apparently I'm insane lol!

 

 

I feel he keeps doing it because he can...plain and simple. I never stick to my word. I threaten to leave, but then never do. I mean yes, I moved out after living together for 4 years, but we still remained a 'couple'. He and Natalie have a freaky sex-based relationship. She's not catfishing him...they used to date. I've seen pics of them together at the beach and pics taken at his house so she is real. They are into some really kinky, freaky fetish sex stuff and that's all they talk about when they talk. She'll ask 'do you love me' and 'I want us to be together...what about you' and crap like that and he says yes I love you, yes I want to be with you...now how fast can you get here. Then she never shows and I know b/c I saw the texts and I saw how pissed he was that she didn't show. So he tells her whatever she wants to hear so she'll come over and fool around b/c she's already gotten him so worked up on the texts with all her ***** talk. Not that I'm defending him...was just explaining 'them'. And I honestly do not think he's talking to any other women bc if he were, he woulda been talking to them on that last secret phone I found bc I'm sure in his mind, he didn't think I'd ever find it...and it was all Natalie. No one else. In all the 3 phones I have found...it's only Nat that he talks to. So no...it's not like he has them lined up. Trust me...he ain't 'all that' in the looks dept!

 

 

And right now sex ain't even on the table b/c I'm still mad about the phone I found back in March. Yes I withhold sex and yes I hold one hell of a grudge!

 

 

The reason I'm still with him...hmmmmm. Honestly, it's because he does 'stuff' for me. He will get up on my roof and clean my gutters, he did a plumbing job for me that woulda cost about $400 for a plumber to do...didn't cost me a dime. He cleaned the coil on my a/c unit...again, didn't cost anything. I need trash taken off, he does it. Need something heavy moved...he's there. Need something done to my car...he's my man! I live alone...money is tight and he's a jack of all trades. Yeah I know that's crappy, but something like that is hard to cut loose. Plus believe it or not, we actually get along good and have fun together. But do I trust him...hell no! But in doing all of this, I am cheating myself out of possibly having a decent relationship with someone I CAN trust. Do I think he will contact Natalie again...absolutely. And it's like I tell myself 'ok next time I catch him...that's it; we're done'...then it happens and I stay! Also every September we go to the beach for 2 weeks and he pays for the WHOLE trip! He drops about $3000 and I get a free vacation! So now my excuse for staying around is September is coming up! YES I know...it's so f'ed up!

 

 

We have 'broken up' many times...the longest was like a month lol! And I missed him. I missed our inside jokes and having someone to bitch about my day with. I hear certain songs and miss him...just crap like that. So I'd reach out and he's always here...willing to talk and we slowly make our way back to each other.

 

 

But he does lie, he does manipulate and he does take me for granted. I do need to have more pride in myself than to allow this to happen. I can either take it for what it is or leave...but September is coming up! I'm kidding!

[Mr. Lucky]

The reason I'm still with him...hmmmmm. Honestly, it's because he does 'stuff' for me. He will get up on my roof and clean my gutters, he did a plumbing job for me that woulda cost about $400 for a plumber to do...didn't cost me a dime. He cleaned the coil on my a/c unit...again, didn't cost anything. I need trash taken off, he does it. Need something heavy moved...he's there. Need something done to my car...he's my man! I live alone...money is tight and he's a jack of all trades. Yeah I know that's crappy, but something like that is hard to cut loose.

 

I think a handyman would ultimately be cheaper and less emotionally taxing...

 

Mr. Lucky